Confessing on a Desperate Need for Change

I confess that somewhere along the way I lost site of my goals and dreams.

Since I was 7 years old I have dreamed of being a writer.  I have not written anything other than a blog since I was a teenager.  Though I love my blog dearly, why have I never sat down and written out the novel that's been in my head since I was 13?  Why have I never successfully finished participating in NaNoWriMo?  Or tried to be published?

The day I received my scholarship in 2004.  I was so excited-just not to have my photo taken! HA! 

When I graduated high school I received a small scholarship so that I could go to school to become a theatre teacher.  Teaching was always something I had a high regard for and wanted to do.

I took a year off after graduating to work full time, which was a big mistake.  I should have just gone straight to school and kept moving forward.  By the time I finally tried college I was working 60 hour weeks to help support myself and my boyfriend in a little apartment in Ogden.  Working 60 hour weeks and trying to go to school full time (12-18 credit hours were the same cost) to get the most out of your tuition is difficult.

A photo of me from 2006.

About half way through both semesters I attempted, I broke under the pressure and quit.

I stopped attempting to go to school and just went into working full time or more.  First in a restaurant, as a nanny, in a bowling alley, and in 2008 I was offered a better paying position in technical support.  I have now been working in technical support for 5 years.

While I've been extremely grateful for the opportunity, the pay, the benefits, and for not smelling like a grease fryer any longer-what child dreams of being a Technical Support Representative when they grow up?  Certainly not my wandering gypsy soul.  Working in a cubicle every day is soul-sucking.

It's been extremely difficult lately to continue working all day in this little box.  Not getting enough sunlight is depressing.  Sitting on my butt all day and getting fatter and fatter is depressing.  No options for career advancement is depressing.  You get the picture.

I need a change, and in a big way.  But I'm not leaving this good job for a job with less pay, less benefits, or in another technical support position.  This is a good job, with a good company, and hey-I get to blog during the day.  So the change has to be in a completely new direction, and I need a serious attitude adjustment in the meantime.

I confess that I filled out an application for Community College yesterday.  The goal is to go to SLCC and get my Associates, and then transfer to the U to finish up my bachelors.  I am going to go into Education, and go back to my original dreams of both becoming a teacher and a writer.  In the meantime I'll keep working my job here (which should help pay for school) and I'll take a lighter class load until I get into the swing of things.

We'll see what happens, but this time it has to work out.  My soul/heart/life/you name it depends on it.  Now if I can only get over the stress about the fact that it will take me 4 years at the very least and I'm just now starting... blah.

Heartache

Last night my roommate, the same one I'm constantly mentioning here in the blog and talking about how grateful I am for having him, told me that he no longer wants to live with me.  Apparently he's been thinking it over for quite some time, but I was the last to know.  

When he told me I was stunned, and of course like the emotional being I am I immediately felt my heart sink and my eyes well up with tears.  I just sat there while he told me how he needed a change, my mind was spinning-why does that change have to be me? Why out of all the million things in life does it have to be me that gets left behind?

Not being one to not express how I feel, I threw those questions at him through my tears.  I've always felt so lucky to have him, like we were a family there and like he truly helped make that apartment home for me.  Now it was all falling apart, and I couldn't help the enormous hurt that was building inside me.  I felt abandoned, and like there was something wrong with me that would encourage him to leave.  All in that moment the best part of my life, the apartment-the home I loved, my little family I had built, was being torn down.  I felt as if I was losing my best friend.

A little while later my other best friend Kristi called me and we had a long talk. I cried, she supported me, and together we formed a plan on how I can make it on my own once he leaves, and where I should plan to go.  She has an Aunt and Uncle who own a hippie house (literally) with apartments in it.  They compost, have gardens, would allow pets-plus I'd get to be part of a cool hippie commune type thing, which would be an awesome experience. I wrapped my brain around that process, trying to make the best of what I was being given, and decided I couldn't go to bed Angry because things will always work out. 

I knocked on his door and asked if I could talk to him, I just couldn't leave things unresolved.  We hugged, and we both cried.  He clarified that he's not leaving me, and he's loved our time here-he just needs a change and most of all-wants his own place for the first time in his life.  He said we were too safe here, both so completely comfortable we were allowing ourselves to stop growing, or trying to go after things in life. I can try and understand that, and while it may be true, I am happy in that comfort.  We talked, we planned, and were able to feel mostly resolved before we turned in for the night.

But then I crawled into bed and started remembering how empty the house feels when he's not around, and how much I have loved this time together, and I was sad again.  I didn't really sleep, I tossed and turned-and woke up even more sad this morning. 

Hopefully a little St. Johns Wart will help me perk up, but it's not a cure for sadness.  I guess I have to let myself grieve and mourn as this change happens.  I just wish I didn't feel so depressed.

Allow Me to Wallow a Moment

I have no energy, and very little motivation.

I want to crawl inside myself and not come back out.

I don't feel sad, or upset, or angry-I'm not suicidal or lonely.

I just don't feel like I have enough space to breath these days.

Or enough energy to support myself, let alone anyone else.

Drained. I feel so very drained.

Maybe it's the fact that everything around me feels like it's changing.

I get that change is necessary, and often good...

I just feel like there's so much to take in, and no time to do it.
There are so many feelings I'm not allowing myself to feel.
I'm just swallowing them and pretending they're not sharp like razor blades.

I feel like I keep telling myself "Just keep going."

Don't stop.  If I stop everythig that is wrong will hit me like a ton of bricks.
So I pour myself into all of these projects and activities.
Slowly suffocating the ache inside.

It works until the flame goes out and I'm left feeling burnt out.

I really need to start taking my vitamins again.

Musical Mondays: Ready to Love Again

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com"><img src="http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww257/agofish/For%20Blog/musicalmondays.jpg"></a>

This week's song:

Ready to Love Again
by Lady Antebellum

 

I know I posted about this back on an old Mixtape Monday post, but it's Spring and I'm feeling it, so I feel it warrants a re-posting.  It's just a song I connect to very strongly, almost every single line.

I do feel like I've spent most of my life walking in the wrong direction.

I really don't recognize myself anymore; I am scared of love but scared of life alone.

I used to go out on dates all the time, I was confident (even with my insecurities) and dating was fun.  Then I was burnt hard, and burnt again, and burnt again.  Eventually the walls started coming up.  I decided that taking a break from dating and sex was in my best interest.  I was good at being alone, I'd done it most of my life, so after a brief stint in the dating world-with some good experiences and a lot of bruises from the bad-I needed to remind myself that it was ok to be alone.  I needed to give myself time for the wounds to heal and the bruises to fade.

The few months I promised myself turned into a year, and as the year came and went I tried my hand at a few dates.  I'd talk to these guys online, they'd seem really awesome, and then we'd go out and after 10 minutes I was ready to go home.  I found a fault in them big enough to scare me away (to be fair, I wasn't attracted to them-but it does kind of feel like finding fault because I was afraid) and make an excuse to end the date early.  I'd go home and give up dating again for a few months, then repeat the cycle.  

Eventually there was one I liked, however I followed my pattern, I slept with him early and he didn't call again for a few months.  Then he turned up and I gave him another chance, and he stopped calling again.  This is a horrendous pattern that needs to end, I recognized this and gave up on the dating again...

Many more months have gone by now and I find myself with the urge to follow this song.  To let go and be ready to love again.  I want to go on a date, meet someone wonderful, and not be afraid of the fall down.  I want to move on now without the fear of how it might end.

But I'm scared.

What if I repeat the same cycle?
Or what if I go out with someone and find fault enough to stop dating again?
What if I'm stuck in this forever and there's no happy ending?
What if some people are meant for love and some are not?
Maybe we're not all supposed to be happy...
If that's the case, how do I convince myself to be ok alone forever?
How do I forget that desire to love?

I'm about to make a plunge...
I'm tired of playing on the safe side 
building walls around my heart to save me...

So come and find me

I'll be waiting up for you

I'll be holding out for you tonight

What's your song this week?
Link Up!



Also, while you're here, look at today's Reminder!

Sunday Citar: Good Intentions

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

***

Sometimes, when you intend to do the right thing, it's completely wrong.
You can have good intentions, and end up completely shattering someone.
Causing unnecessary re-hashing and hurt.

You can take a good lazy day and turn it around;
leaving them crying for 45 minutes on the couch.

You can re-open all the wounds before they're ready to take the bandage off.
Pour a little salt and lemon juice in, rub it around.
It hurts like hell...

Just think about it before you do it.
Maybe when they tell you not to do anything, you should listen.
Maybe it's not your place.

What a rough day...

Sorry For the Negativity

I guess, before I get this pity party started, I should apologize for the negativity in advance.  So... I'm sorry. However, I think you all deserve an excuse as to where I've been lately...

I've been trying so very hard to remain my usually optimistic and positive self; but I'm at my breaking point right now.  Lately, I've been making an effort not to talk about work on my blog, even though it gets mentioned here now and again; I've kept a lot of the details private.  Today, I think I'll go ahead and share a few of those details.  I do so, in hopes that you'll all understand why I have been slacking when it comes to leaving comments on your blogs and updating mine with actual content and not filler.  I love quotes and pretty pictures, but let's face it-it's been my excuse to not have to sit down and write.

When my last job was about to lay me off (most of you remember me praying for them to keep me) I took another job as a "just in case" scenario.  That scenario became reality as they didn't keep me on at the end of the season, with which it turned into an "until I find something better, or the last job takes me back" job.  I severely disliked it from the very start, but kept telling myself something better would come along.

The reasons I don't like it?  A: The facility is severely ghetto, and I don't say that lightly.  The grounds are covered (and I do mean literally covered) by several thousand cigarette butts that never get cleaned up and the bathroom is disgusting and too often stalls are unavailable do to used sanitary supplies and clogged toilets.  AND B: The pay is pretty low for training, and then it turns into performance based pay.  Now, I like to give it all I have, so I should do pretty well... BUT, it's also the type of job where you're only being paid for the time on a call.  If I'm at work on time, sitting there waiting for a call to come in and it's slow, I'm not getting paid.  This has me severely stressed. 

Well, in the course of looking for something else, an old manager from an old job of mine (from 2 years ago) emailed me to say they'd fired some of the upper management that had outsourced the company to India, and they wanted to hire me back.  I applied, interviewed, and was told I had done very very well.  They called and offered me the job.  No benefits, but the raise in pay was significant enough to make up for any of that.  I accepted.  The next day they called and changed their minds.  I was pretty upset...

Luckily for me, the very same day they reneged on their offer, my most recent job called and told me to reapply for the new positions they had available, and so I did.  I am now waiting for their reply with strong hopes and crossed fingers.  I would very much like to go back to work there, and I know that my most recent experiences will make me one of the most grateful employees they have.  I don't think I'll take my job for granted ever again, if I can only get one I like.  I like that company.  I like the product, and I know it well enough to do a good job and continue to learn more.

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about my work situation right now, and I kind of want to go curl up in bed and hide from it all... However, I can't. Ever the responsible one, I'll keep trekking back and forth to a job I hate, while searching diligently for one that I can really shine in.  I'm an excellent employee.

Keep your fingers crossed for me friends, and please be patient with my absence and lack of comments.  I'm still here and reading, I just sometimes don't have the energy to leave word or write a detailed post... Hopefully when the stress calms down I'll be back in full force.

I love you all!

Playing Catch-Up

Hey guys.

I realize that yesterday was the first day I've missed a post since I promised myself I would post every day this year.  Part of me feels like I've failed a little bit, but the rest of me is just exhausted.  

I feel a bit... Defeated.

Like I've been fighting tooth and nail for two weeks, to no avail.

I was given the job I wanted.

She called, offered it to me with .50cents more an hour than I planned.

But the next day she called and reneged. 

My old managers were in an uproar over it.

I'm really grateful that they have my back like they do.

I was just so frustrated.

But at this moment?

I just feel defeated.

Like there isn't much fight left in me at the moment.

The last job I had?

You know, the one I kept praying that they'd keep me?

They called...

There are 3 more positions open.

Resubmitted my resume.

I'm praying one of these places will take me on.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, k?

I went to the bar with people from work last night.

It was quite a bit of fun, and for the evening I forgot most of my work troubles.

I'm working on catching up on blogs for the next day or two.

If you haven't heard from me, hopefully you will here in the next little bit.

I miss all of your blogs! 

Also, if you've given me an award (because I know I've missed a few) and you don't see it over on the left side of my blog with a thank you to you specifically, or you haven't seen a post thanking you for it, please let me know! I need to get caught up on my awards too.

(Miss Krista, I'm reading but for some reason it wont let me comment on your blog.)

Thanks for listening to me vent lovelies.

You all make so much difference in my life!

Random Thoughts From Today

I am suffering from an acute case of blogger's guilt. 

It hit just now as I tried to go to bed that I hadn't posted anything today.

AND, I haven't gone and commented on blogs today.

So here's my post, and I promise I'll be around to comment and read up on you all soon! 

Please prepare yourself for a random/jumbled accounting of my day.

I'm so tired.

Interviewed at my old job today.

Rushed there very very quickly to make it on time.

I think the interview went really well.

I really really really hope I get it.

I am a legend there.

I was called "THE Angie" today.

I was also called "The most-renowned Angie" by the guy interviewing me.

That's really good.

I have to thank D for giving me that opportunity.

He's a great guy with an awesome family.

I hope to find someone that awesome to have a family with someday.

I saw a few old friends at work.

An old manager who said my bubbly nature would be welcomed back.

He said my laugh is great to hear in the office again.

A coworker who recognized me.

The Sales Manager recognized me.

He remembered so many good things about me.

I was an awesome employee.

I told them they wouldn't regret hiring me back.
They won't.

Another coworker.

I'd almost forgotten I'd had a crush on him back in the day.

There were actually a few of us who did.

But one is gay, and this coworker is not.

He doesn't count.

Bad memories about another...

I still think he's cute.

I told him.

He's feeling a bit down on himself.

He shouldn't.

Yep, this is the beginning of this girl reminding herself to take distance.

I play with fire way too much.

I like to tempt fate, and get my emotions involved in dangerous situations.

What can I say?

I'm a lost cause.

Bought my grandparent's ice cream and visited.

I love them so very much.

Even though they're different after his stroke and her brain surgery.

It's hard to see my once strong grandmother weak like that.

I still love her more than anything.

Drove the long drive home thinking about the day's encounters.

Texted David to tell him that coworker was still cute.

He said "Awwe" in return.

First time in a long time that I've felt that old familiar "crushin'".

It was good for a minute.

Just for a minute.

Until I reminded myself not to without just reason.

Silly me with my silly attractions.

I'm worried about my friend and his heartbreak.

I love him so, and this would be the first time if it happens.

Nothing in me ever wanted him to have to experience this.

I want only happiness for those I love.

Can I give up my happiness for them?

Why not? 

I'm not using it right now...

It's time for bed...

I feel pretty melancholy right now.

*Sigh*

(Photo Found on PhotoBucket)

Some Getting Used To

Last night I stared at the sky

The stars were nowhere to be seen

but the hope of tomorrow night

Gave me the power to dream

But it's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

It's been too long since I've seen you

I've been doing what I've gotta do

Everyday I tell my heart

Someone is coming for you

And I hope to God

That my words tell my heart it's true

But it's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

It's been too long since I've seen you

I've been doing what I've gotta do

I wanna know the further I go

There's somethin' out there for me

I will find my place to show me

Who I'm made to be

Who I'm made to be

It's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

Well, it's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

Well, it's taking some getting used to, Some getting used to.

It's been too long since I've seen you

I've been doing what I've gotta do, what I've gotta do.

-Eric Himan "Some Getting Used To"

I've been listening to this song over and over and over again.  Perhaps repeating the words will make it sink in, will help me stop feeling the way I do.  I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to feel this hopelessness that overwhelms me and suffocates me.  

I don't want to spend every night curled up on the couch watching my comfort show because I can't face the weight of the world;  because I can't face the fact that I'm alone and may always be.  The fact that I can't seem to pull myself out of this sadness is daunting, and I keep trying to rally but I can't help but feel as if I'm losing everything, and that every time I love something it will be taken away from me.  Happiness ends, and I tell myself every day that it was worth the time to have had it-to have loved and lost rather than never loved at all-but it doesn't help...  I still feel this loneliness like a knife to the chest.

I'm praying that it passes, and that I make peace with the facts that things will never be the same again, but god I miss people so damned much.  It's as if there's now a distance with all of my friends, and I never thought it would happen to those that are closest, but it is.  I feel clingy and needy, and I"m not used to it so I'll fight it.  I'm not a selfish person, I have no right to feel this way, no right to make a claim on anyone's time.

Just like the song says, it's taking some getting used to... One day I'll be used to being alone; I'll be used to everyone going off and doing their own thing with out me; I'll be used to being left behind.  Maybe when I'm used to it, it wont hurt so much and I wont feel so lost.  So I'll keep telling my heart that it wont always be like this, and perhaps someday I'll convince it.  Please God, let me convince it...

For now, I try to be positive, but the optimism has left me... Here's to brighter tomorrows.

This Too Will Be Swept Away

Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong as its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away. - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

This is how I feel right now.  I feel like the river of time and events is flowing steadily by me, and I'm just sitting on the shore watching in solemn regret.  I want to dive into the river and immerse myself in it's current, letting it take me to life's next grand adventure. 

However, I haven't the motivation to leave my quiet perch on this rock overlooking the chilly waters.  It's like I am stuck here, a heavy weight on my chest holding me back from taking the leap I so long to take.

Problem is-I wish there were someone to leap with me.

Feeling Alone

As of late, it's been a daily ritual to stop and say a prayer.  The goal being sending it into the Universe in hopes of manifesting a better outcome than the world has been offering.  I stop.  Look up to the sky and whisper my desire solemnly, asking whatever God is out there to influence the will of the heavens, maybe swaying it in my favor.

This weekend, I got what I've been asking for.

I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

My manifestation wasn't for myself.  I have not been asking for more money, better looks, or for someone to fall in love with me.  These wishes have not been for myself for a while.  It's too exhausting to keep hoping for something that never comes, and even more exhausting are the times when it appears to happen and then I am left yet again disappointed.

These requests have been for one of the most important people in my life.  For one of the best friends life has ever given me; for a person I will never stop loving as long as I live.

It was his turn to get lost in the moment, that giddy up-rush of laying in someone's arms for the first time and contemplating the vast expansion of possibilities that lay before new lovers.  Too many years of thinking it would never happen, and then just the one right person to come along and change all that around.  The right person who can't wait longer than an hour after you part to text you and tell you they miss you and can't wait to see you again.  His turn. 

I'm so happy for him, more than I can ever possibly express in writing or even in vocalizing.  He deserves this more than anyone I've ever known, including myself.

However, there's this part of me that is deathly afraid of losing my friend.  The happiness overwrites this automatically, because I know without a doubt that this is right and will be a extremely wonderful thing for him.  Even in the knowing and the not doubting, I still wonder what this means for us.  How selfish are these thoughts?  Is it caused by the fact that I fell in love with him once and will never truly get over that?  Could this be something every friend feels when someone they've been close to finds someone to be even closer to? 

I don't know if this is a normal feeling, or something else.  I feel horribly guilty and selfish for feeling like this; I wish this feeling would leave me.

There is no luck in my dating life.  Am I doomed to only date liars and losers?  To  never have that love and family I so desire?  I miss that rush that comes with falling in love, but I will no longer sacrifice the "long run" for that thrill.  No matter how much I desire to fall into someone's arms and write their name in hearts on my notebooks (metaphorically, I'm an adult now after all) it isn't worth it if three months later I find out they're seeing someone (or many someones) behind my back, or that they only wanted a cheap fling, or that they don't want to settle down and have a partner for life.  I want to start out knowing that I can have both the electric charge of new love, and the possible stability of a lifetime full of partnership.

Can I have both?

Wow, this blog sounds like a lot of whining and self-pity... I want to clarify just so everyone knows that I would not change anything about what he's getting, I've wanted to see him happy and in a healthy relationship more than I could even bear.  I just had to get these thoughts out of my head and down in writing.  There isn't anyone to speak them to any longer, he was my confidant and most of my friends are coupled up, married, or not close enough to have these kind of conversations with.

"I Won't Know What to Say Except Fuck You"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady

i don't want nobody to follow me

'cept maybe you

i could make you happy you know

if you weren't already

i could do a lot of things

and i do

tell you the truth i prefer

the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning

and my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon

rubbing elbows with the moon

a safe haven of sleepless

where the deep fryer's always on

radio is counting down

the top 20 country songs

and out on the porch the fly strip is

waving like a flag in the wind

y'know, i don't look forward

to seeing you again soon

you'll look like a photograph of yourself

taken from far far away

and i won't know what to do

and i won't know what to say

 

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed

what was i thinking?

what will i think of next

where can i hide

in the back room there's a lamp

that hangs over the pool table

and when the fan is on it swings

gently side to side

there's a changing constellation

of balls as we are playing

i see orion and say nothing

the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

-Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco

I have loved this song since I first heard it 5 years ago, and yesterday driving home from work it came across my iPod and found me singing along to it just like old times.  It's like I couldn't have said it better... Everytime I get angry I remember to get angry at myself, because I'm the one who lets people affect me so.  I was the one who didn't see through all of the lies and bullshit, and I'm the one that's left with fears. 

Discussing this with a friend the other night (whilst bawling and under the influence of some mighty-fine rum) I finally admitted to myself my fears out loud.  I'm afraid to trust someone again, and on some small part of me, afraid to sleep with a guy again because of what he did... Because he lied about the protection, because I could have been so much worse off than I am.  Mostly though, because he was so sly that I had absolutely no clue that everything he said was a lie, so how do I know that wont happen to me again?  How can I ever trust my own judgement again?

I don't know.  Honestly, I haven't figured anything out yet, and I'm mad at myself for it.

A Hiatus in the Fog

I'm officially on Hiatus.  We went out, we sat down with our coffees, perched in our seats trying to learn about each other.  She was nice, and all of those nice things you might want in someone else; if you want someone else.  Almost instantly, I looked at her face and the realization hit me.  My mindset isn't in the right place for dating, relationships, or even for sex.

The numbness is back, but this time it brings with it a certain element of clarity.  Relationships are troubling and cause your life quite a bit of upheaval.  It doesn't matter if they're good or bad, they take center stage and you have to focus on them; at least you do if you want them to work.  These only work if both people want it to work, and both people try for it to work, that doesn't always happen.

Am I broken?  Well, everyone is broken in some way.  We all come with our share of issues, our baggage upon our backs, and the scars from previous lovers etched forever into us.  Someone betrayed your trust?  You are forever going to question future promises.  Your last lover didn't like something about you?  That will be an insecurity you carry with you along the path you walk.  These things will always be with you, stowed away in some dark corner of your mind, like the shoe box under your bed holding memories... You only pull it out when occasion calls, and it turns up a whole new set of issues with it; at least until you let it go.

Let it go?  How on earth do you let something that hurt you so harshly go?  When an incident so totally broke your heart and shattered your dreams?  The pain becomes so deeply engraved on your very existence it's hard to remember the good times you had from the relationship, and it's hard to walk away and pay attention to the lessons you just learned.  However somewhere through the fog of the anger and hurt, you need to remember to focus on what will get you through.  Put on  your high-beams and trudge through it, because you can make it to the other side.

I don't think that needing a break means I'm broken inside, at least not anymore than average.  This is just the time to step back from it all, and to gather my wits about myself.  There are things that need focusing on, like working as much overtime as humanly possible in order to pay of debt.  Also, the idea of starting my writing back up is titillating, and I must say I'm inspired by a few people that have come into my life right now.  They write so beautifully and eloquently that I can't help but remember the days when I filled my deviantart with poetry, and my computer files with novel ideas.  I really want that back, and to do so I need to spend less time focusing on being in love and finding someone else to make me happy, and spend that time alone with my muse and my heartache.  Heartache makes beautiful writing, and I've so missed the feel of the pen in my hand and the tap tap tap of the keys under my fingers. 

One day my friends, we will find our way through the fog and find that happy medium between happiness and good writing.  When we do, life will be a beautiful place.  Until then, my heart is on vacation.

Have You Ever Felt So Lost?

I'm out on my own again

Face down in the porcelain

Feeling so high but looking so low

Party favors on the floor

Group of girls banging on the door

So many new fair-weathered friends ooo

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Caught in the eye of the hurricane

Slowly waving goodbye like a pageant parade

So sick of this town pulling me down

My mother says I should come back home but

Can't find the way cuz the way is gone

So if I pray am I just sending words into outer space?

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Another night waiting for someone to take me home

Have you ever been so lost?

Is there a light?

Is there a light?

At the end of the road?

I'm pushing everyone away

'Cause I can't feel this anymore

Can't feel this anymore

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Another night waiting for someone to take me home

Have you ever been so lost?

Have you ever been so lost?

-Lost by Katy Perry

I feel like I'm sinking further into a hole that I can't climb out of... It just seems to get worse and worse... 

The Calm is Starting to Slip

I woke up surprisingly calm this morning, and with the way I left my conscious state last night, that was a surprise to me.  Mostly, I feel fine, other than my eyes are extra puffy from all the crying I did last night, and my stomach did not sit well with five shots of Canadian Host in it overnight. 

There really hasn't been an occasion on which I've downed liquor because I wasn't feeling emotionally well; I'm really not much of a drinker.  However, last night I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.  My head was spinning in so many directions, I wanted something to dull the thought process and basically knock me out.  The Whiskey was disgusting, and those five shots in succession without a chaser were foul, but I took it quick like medicine, and let the warmth flow over me.  Feeling all my emotions through the alcohol haze was a new and interesting sensation, and though it took longer than I had hoped for, it did the trick and I slept as soon as put down the computer and laid my head on the pillow.

 This morning I climbed out of bed as normal, acknowledged the eerie peace I felt, climbed in the shower and consciously told myself not to think about it.  The thoughts cannot all be kept at bay however, and the conversations with myself were endless.  Should I pack a bag?  No, I shouldn't, I'm not going to stay at his house like previously planned.  What if I change my mind?  Should I pack a bag anyway?  No, I really shouldn't, even if I change my mind I need to stick to my guns today.  Should I shave my legs?  He's not going to see them.  But what if?  And so forth throughout my morning routine. 

The drive to work was quiet and slow, the roads had yet to be plowed and the freeway moved at a steady pace of twenty miles per hour.  My radio was tuned to Radio From Hell, talk radio avoids songs that may trigger an emotional reaction, which would in turn ruin my makeup and poised exterior.  I don't want to cry again, at least not yet.  When I'm ready for the catharsis I will immerse myself in it and let it flow through me, but now is not the time.

It saddens me that I was supposed to go over there tonight. I have loved going over there, and now it's over.  If I wanted to, I'm sure I still could.  He probably doesn't even know I'm upset yet, but with news like this, how can I not be?  I sit a mere three feet from him all day, and have found that not even looking at him or speaking to him is probably what will get me through this day.  It's strength and maturity I need to show here, and I do not want to lose this composure I currently carry.  There was one moment today when I made eye contact, and I felt how easily it would be to slip, and I don't want to lose my footing here. 

Some gratitude is in order here, as for the last month and a half I have been happier than I have in a long time.  There have been moments of pure joy and love, where I felt lost in the moment and the feelings I began to feel deeper and fall harder.  At this moment in time, I miss that more than I can possibly say, and the loss is tearing at me... But I will survive it, I always do.

So this is my question:  Was it better for me to be living on in oblivious happiness?  To be content thinking he really cared about me when he was out seeing other people and not being up-front with me?  I was so happy... Now I'm miserable, but aware.  I know what is going on, and I know that in the long run I'll just get more attached and end up being more hurt... We never agreed to exclusivity, I can't fault him for that, but we did agree to honesty, and he didn't disclose the information to me.  Do I walk away now before I end up screwing myself over?  Or do I go back and try to be happy and content with what I have, because I care about him so? 

I'm not sure I can go back without feeling like I am not enough.  I want to be enough for someone.

I feel lost.  There are some difficult decisions to be made.  The calm is starting to slip...

The Musician is an illusion.  Nothing more.

I feel like such a fool for letting myself be happy.  For letting myself buy into the lies.

I feel so deceived.

I hate myself for believing it.

I hate myself for always being this person.

I hate that I couldn't just have one happy holiday season, I was so happy and so excited and now it's all crashing down.  I have to end it.  I will not be the girl that lets herself get fooled over and over again.  I will not be that person who lays down and lets herself be walked over.

When do I get to be happy?

You Liar Sun, Send Me Snow.

The sun lies to me.

Looking out the window to my left, I see blue skies and rays of sunshine reflecting off of the pavement. Not a leaf is stirred by wind, as it is still and bright out; yet it is a brisk forty-nine degrees. The picture-perfect day I face away from is a facade, much like the smiles many of us wear plastered across our faces like camouflage as we make our way through this masquerade we call life.

Never in my life have I wanted it to snow, like I do now.

When everything is covered in a thick blanket of snow, it is as if the world has stopped to hold it's breath, and when it is not breathing the silence is almost deafening. As the noise stops there is nothing but you and the snow-covered calm. All you can hear is your own heartbeat as you watch the soft flakes drift down through the cloudy haze your own breath makes as it exudes from between your lips and out into the chilly winter air. Oh, to look over and see the world covered in white desolation, and to stop and breath in the beautiful solitude the falling snow brings.

I want the view outside to reflect how I feel inside.

It can only be described as a snowfall, this beautiful sorrow and forlorn feeling I harbor. A sort of detached downpour of emotion, like watching the once green ground slowly being covered in layers of powder-soft ice, becoming deeper and deeper by the hour. Both awe-inspiring and disheartening; both alluring and repulsive, resplendent and disheartening...

I pray for the snow, so I wont feel so alone in this world.

To Feel OR Not To Feel

I miss writing, I mean really writing. It seems that all I've done lately is participate in Memes from other blogs (which I enjoy) and I haven't posted much from the heart. Did this stem from realizing how public my blog is? That not only my mother reads what I write here, but also my coworkers? Is that reason enough to mask what I'm feeling and hide my true thoughts? I honestly don't know...

I'd love to post something deep and agonizing here. To bleed it out like I can with my paper journal, letting everything flow directly from my heart to the paper in dark obsidian ink. I just can't. I sit here and stare at the blank "New Post" window, willing myself to be vulnerable. Begging the Universe for something thought provoking and terrifying that I can spill forth for the world to be astounded by; but I feel nothing. The feelings in my chest are as numb as the cool black keys that click with every stroke of my fingers. There is nothing.

Recently, I started taking St. Johns Wart, an herbal anti-depressant that you can buy over the counter nearly anywhere these days. Having many of the same mood-elevating benefits as prescription anti-depressants, it has far fewer side effects than most of the chemical remedies we too often give out in our culture. This small herbal capsule once daily is a test for me, as I've never seriously considered doing anything about the lows I often feel due to genetics and other influencing factors I've recognized since my years in high school.

I love feelings, and I love to feel them as strongly as possible. When I feel sad, I want to dive into the despair and wallow in it, feeling every heartbreak and as much ache as humanly possible. On the other end of it, if I'm happy I love to engulf myself in the joy and ride the high as far as I can. I just like to feel things, to taste every different emotion on my tongue, and to really live.

So for me to knowingly put something in my body that levels out those highs and lows, goes against everything I've been telling myself for years. I have been able to tell how it affects me, and I feel... Numb.

Numb is at once both saddening and relieving. To feel numb is to stop experiencing the wide spectrum of emotions and energies the world throws at you, and to stop learning from them. However, it is occasionally a very nice reprieve from the overload emotion can cause.

The way I see it, I'm due for a little numbness.

I have always been a person who is pushed towards love. Chasing it, aching for it, and waiting for it to happen. Taking a break from the overwhelming emotions I've experienced this year is allowing me to step out of this race for love, and to just enjoy being with myself, and making decisions for myself, and not because of how I feel a relationship may or may not turn out. It's strangely liberating to feel so free, without the constant manipulation my affection can be.

This is not the time for foolish dreaming, it is the time for taking control of my life with logic, and not emotion. It's time for my heart to take a rest and stop dictating towards my mind. That same mind which can now take the lead and make something happen using cool intellect instead of the usual fire that burns too hot to let anything else through...

Maybe We Aint Meant for This Love

Here we stand, somewhere in between this moment and the end

Will we bend? Or will we open up and take this whole thing in?

Everybody else is smiling

Man, their smiles don't fade

And you don't even wonder why

You just don't think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on and we can't stay here

Well maybe we've just had enough

Maybe we ain't meant for this love

You and me tried everything

But still that mockingbird wont sing

Man this life seems hard enough

Maybe we ain't meant for this love

Take my hand, and I will lead you through the broken promise land

Yes I can, oh yes I can, I can be there when you need it

I give it all til you can't feel it anymore

I don't wanna love you now if you'll just leave someday

I don't wanna turn around if you'll just walk away

[Chorus Repeat X2]

-Mockingbird by Rob Thomas-

I don't know why I haven't blogged about this song until now, but here I am, finally writing with it repeating in my ear.

A lot of you here in bloggy land have witnessed me writing about the relationship troubles I've had, and the back-and-forth my heart has had to endure over the last year and a half. Granted, my first blog was written in February, so you didn't see all of it, but you did see the most brutal part of it; that which has been the last 6 months. I'm going to be the first one to admit, a lot of it was my own damn fault. However, it takes two to tango (as the old saying goes) and I was really put through the ringer on a lot of stuff that wasn't fully on me.

I've always been a person who moves forward with life, and if I set my mind to getting over someone, I usually can, and there have been times I've really needed to. So what is it about this year that seems to have stopped me in my tracks? It seems like both times I tried to move forward when I knew full-well that I should, I fell flat on my face. Like quicksand, the harder I tried to pull out of it, the faster I was sucked back in.

I've made my peace with the one experience, and accepted what we actually are now. Great-moving on-we're not talking about him. However, the experiences were so intertwined with each other, that I can't help but mention him in the same post. It's inevitable, but it's also not the point, so we'll move on. We're talking about E, and the fact that he the memory still pops up and haunts me now and again.

Are you wondering how this song relates? Well, I think I connected with this song because the lyrics (and I am SUCH a lyric person) woke me up a little bit. I was in the driving with my iPod on shuffle, and it came on for the first time and stopped my thought process dead in it's tracks while the song registered.

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on and we can't stay here

Isn't that the truth? Somewhere in the shuffle, and the back and forth of the relationship, we lost ourselves. Maybe I shouldn't speak for him, but at least I know for me. I lost the strong, logical person that is me, and turned into this emotional doormat who hung on to what wasn't there. Oh, how I wanted it to be there, and I think I hung on to the "idea" and not reality. Reality was, if he'd wanted to be with me he would have made time. He was too busy and I couldn't take being stood-up and canceled on all the time.

Again, I'm not passing the blame here... I did my fair share of being uncertain at a time when he was, and he wanted something real. However, after working through most of those issues, and me being ready to step-up and have a real relationship, he wasn't anymore. Our timing just never matched up, no matter how hard I tried. It was a year and a half of trying, and failing every time. You can only fail so much, before you just have to give up and move on.

Well maybe we've just had enough

Maybe we ain't meant for this love

I wrote a blog on Myspace the other day, that I didn't post here because it was so angry. Truthfully, it was all of the things I had wanted to say to him, all of the truth that I had kept locked up inside of me, and it had to be let out. Since I wrote that blog, I've felt much more free and able to move on and let go. I think I just had to stop bottling up the emotions and vent them out before I could move on and continue with my life and other options.

I've always been a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to be will be. So maybe we weren't meant for that love. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

So this is good. This is me letting go and moving on to bigger and better things, and planning on being happy. :)

A Better Friend

I haven't been this low since high school, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I've known I'm chemically depressed, but always refused to be put on medication for it. I usually revert to the mind-over-matter theory. Just after high school I made a conscious decision to bury the depression as deep as I possibly could so that I could continue with life and not feel so terrible all the time. It's worked fairly well (on and off, of course) until now, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

Even when I'm out with my friends, it's a very rare moment when I forget the ache inside and am able to just be. It's like being miserable all the time, and just pretending it isn't right there under the surface waiting to bubble up and destroy me. I try so hard to put on a good face, to smile and pretend, but I just cant anymore... Where did my act go? Why can't I pull myself up from this? I'm scared. So very scared. It used to be that even when the rest of the world was tumbling down I could be with my friends and feel sanity. What happens if I lose that?

When I was driving home today, a thought occurred to me, and I started bawling. Is this how you feel all the time? How could I have overlooked it? I've felt the depression before, but it's been so long since I've been at these depths that it's almost as if I had forgotten how bad it can be, and then I overlooked it in you... How could I have done that? How could I look at you and mentally log how you felt, but not realize the magnitude of it, even though I had been there before? I have kept thinking "If only you could pull yourself out. If only you could hear everything we're telling you, and how much we love you. If only you could accept that and pick yourself up." Oh my god, I feel so terrible. I had forgotten how it feels, and now I'm reminded and I hurt for you much stronger than the hurt inside of me is.

How could I have been such a bad friend and not recognized the level of hurt here? I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I hope you know I love you, and I wont try to fix you anymore. I'm just here, as your friend, someone you can rely on and talk to. Maybe now, I'm finally in the right mind set. Perhaps I had to feel this way to understand, and to be the friend that you deserve.

I love you my friend, and I really hope it gets better for you. I hope it gets better for us all some time soon...