"Please Don't Tell Me That I'm The Only One That's Vulnerable, Impossible."

How do I let myself end up here time and time again? I should expect it. I should know better by now. I shouldn't be sitting here breaking and bawling because once again I was fooled into letting my guard down and allowing myself to be crushed!

I am deflated.

I am a puddle on the ground in a spot where once stood an independent and strong woman.

You asked me to let my guard down, to trust you enough to let you see me vulnerable; all my emotions exposed; to let my heart be placed in your hand even if only for a few moments.

You dropped it.

No, it's not completely shattered. I can piece it back together, but will I let you hold it again?

Doubtful.

I was going to tell you I loved you. That I wanted to stop worrying and jump in and just be with you. To love and experience you, to achieve what we've been trying for all along. All this time we've spent fighting for it, yet fighting against it at the same time. I felt it was finally time to just close our eyes and leap.

Maybe the cake just isn't ready to be pulled out of the oven after all.

Adventures (and Injuries) at Lake Powell

My good friend Josh and I when we stopped at Hanksville on the way to Lake Powell.

This past week was spent in a houseboat at Lake Powell. I was able to ride down with Josh on Monday, and spend the week with him and his family. They'd rented a large houseboat, there were bedrooms inside but we spent our nights sleeping up on the top deck where it was cool and you had the gorgeous view of a sky full of stars.

I made him pose by the boat name. Didn't think anyone would actually believe me.

This is the back of the houseboat after we parked it.

Not only did I have a wonderful time, I met some really awesome people too! Josh's Mom Pam was so friendly and really made me feel welcome and like part of the family while I was there.

Josh and his mom sitting on the front of the Blue Duck.

Josh's step-dad Dave was also very welcoming, and I had a good time boating with him!

Dave and Josh riding in the Blue Duck.

His step-sister Stephanie was there with her husband Mike. They are so fun to hang out with and always seem enthusiastic to hang out. They really made me feel welcome and like they enjoyed having me there too.

Stephanie and Mike.

His other step-sister Jaque was there with her husband Tyler and their two kids Macy and Keaton. They are all so funny, and very intelligent. Not only were Tyler and Jaque awesome to talk to and learn things from, but their kids are scary genius too! Keaton is 2 and can talk very well, and he can count to ten already. Macy is only four, but when she talks you can mistake her for a teenager. She is very eloquent and knows some pretty big words for her age. Even when she was arguing with her dad, we all sat shocked at how smart she was.

Jaque and Tyler

Macy climbing out of the water.

Keaton. He took to calling me his friend, it was so cute!

Day one we were still stuck in the dock because the boat was not in functioning order, but on day two we were able to go and anchor it down in our own little cove where we could swim and hang out. There was even a slide on the back, as well as if you gather up enough courage, you can jump off the top deck! I actually did it! I also jumped off of some rocks that were a bit higher up, kind of like cliff jumping. It was scary, but so worth being able to have done it!

The view from the back of the boat. Pam, Mike and Stephanie swimming.

Josh swimming by the houseboat loading ramp.

Across the way from the boat was a little island. Here's Josh posing on top of the rock.

Stephanie, Jaque, Pam, Josh and Macy standing on the island.

I was also able to try tubing! We hooked up a three-man tube to the back of the little boat that Dave brough with them, and then had to hang on. It takes an amazing amount of strength to hold on as you go over the waves, and your arms feel like jello after!

Jaque, Mike and Josh riding the tubes.

Speaking of tubing, it's time to mention my injury! I took a turn riding the tube, and hung on pretty well until we stopped and Tyler helped me let go of the tube. By that time I was done, so I decided to come around and climb onto the boat. Now, not having much upper body strength normally, in addition to the gravity of pulling yourself out of the water and having jello arms, led to me slipping and falling off the boat. I landed directly on the motor and was flung back into the water. My first thought was that my leg was broken, but fortunately it was just badly bruised and bleeding a little.

My bruise on the 4th day, this is pretty much what it looks like now. It hurts a lot! I'm a gimp.

We did a lot of touring canyons on the Blue Duck. We saw the "floating crapper" (a floating restroom in Forgotten Canyon) along with Moky canyon, The Defiance House Ruins in Forgotten Canyon, Iceberg Canyon, and Slick-Rock Canyon. It was very neat!

Josh and I while touring Iceberg Canyon on the Blue Duck.

Here are some further pictures I took of the canyons! Check it out!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Whew! OK, taking a breather from everything right now and finally updating my blog. So hang on a minute, it's going to be a long update. This summer has been crazy for me so far, and it's all been completely unexpected! I expected to do some moving, and to try and find a job. I didn't expect all of the other fun stuff!

Last week I saw [womanizer] again! I had written him an email looking for a little closure, but instead I got a response from him and then a phone call where we had a long talk. It ended up being a really good thing because we worked some things out and are going to start dating again. Not exclusively, but we're taking things as they come and enjoying the ride along the way.

Camping last weekend was a blast! Unfortunately it was a bit muddy and wet, so everything that came home had a nice layer of mud on it, including the brand-new tent that had never been used. Saturday we got to ride our tubes down the river, and unfortunately one popped so Joshy had to sit it out, which makes me feel a little bad. It was the first time I'd ever done anything like this, and Kristina and I ended up getting separated so we just floated along and bonded. I have lovely bruises on the inside of my arms from holding onto the ropes too! Unfortunately we were rained out the second night, which a few of us would have stuck out, but we left because of a few people who decided they were done. It was all good though, because we stayed at Josh's mom's house, and it was a disgustingly massive (though beautiful) mansion and we still had fun.

Can I also add that before camping, we stopped at Wal Mart in Logan and it was absolute HELL. A: because Wal Mart sucks anyways, and B: because I've recently learned that Logan sucks too. Sorry Logan friends (i.e. Kara) loves you anyways, but it was terribly congested and I couldn't wait to get out of it! Argh.

Today I finished moving the last of my stuff out of the house I was staying in with Ken and Kristina, and into my grandmother's house. They finally closed on their house (despite the fact that their mortgage company needs to be turned into the BBB due to their shiesty ways and lack of knowledge about houses) so that will be fun for them! I'm sad I wont be around to celebrate!

Ugh, also today I lost another filling. :( I need to get insurance so I can go to the dentist and take care of these problems. They'll only get worse if I don't get in due to lack of funds and the fear of the drill. Double ugh.

As for being insanely busy, it's not likely to stop anytime soon. I'm currently spending time with my mother, have to make time to see my grandmother, drop my travel bag at the dry cleaners, pack and then I'm headed to Lake Powell with Josh and his family on Monday. This is exciting, though I am a little nervous because I won't know anyone, but hopefully I'll stop being shy enough to enjoy myself. I'm sure I'll have fun!

Also, when I get back from Powell I'll have 2 days to pack and then catch a plane to Vegas! Yes, that's right, I'm headed to California to visit my family and play nanny for Brianna and Mason! I'm so psyched! I'm going to go to a No Doubt concert, spend a few days in Vegas, and genuinely enjoy going to the beach and having a hot tub in the back yard.

Wish me luck and sanity in my non-stop adventures this summer!

Three Reasons, Pride & California!

I have so much I want to say about what is going on inside my head, yet the words wont come so I'll just talk about a few things that have happened as of late!

Life has been hectic and unsure as of late. We're still in the process of moving, or rather in the Limbo before the move. Ken & Kri's house still hasn't closed, so they can't move into the new house and I'm still here with them, which I'm enjoying right now. Also, I'm not moving into Matt's apartment at all now, which I was a little sad about, but it's for a few very good reasons. His new girlfriend needs a place to stay and she has 3 kids, so he wanted her to move in and this gives them the opportunity while I'm away.

Yes, I said away. I'll be spending the month of July in California! I'm so excited. My cousin Melanie has invited me down to play nanny while her sitter is out of town, which will mean I'll be paid for the time there, plus I'll get to go out and see the sites and be in Cali! This wont be the first time, as I spent about 6 months with them in 2006 being the nanny, but it will be the first time I'm driving there all by myself! That's the part I'm nervous about, but I should do alright.

Went to Pride this weekend, and it was a lot of fun! It's just fun to walk around and people-watch and be with very good friends while supporting something important. It's important that we as a country finally find common ground and equality for all of our citizens, and the more people who see that everyone is beautiful and human, and that all love is equal, the more likely that is to happen.

Also went to a benefit for Homeless Gay Youth in SLC on Friday night. We took donations of clothing and blankets, which got us buy one get one free tickets to the show. The band that was playing was Three Reasons, and they are amazing! I suggest if you have a chance to see one of their gigs do it, because one day they will hit the big time and you'll be lucky enough to say you've seen them. Plus, the lead singer in her tattooed glory, is insanely hot and an amazing performer. She throws her soul into not only the lyrics she's singing, but her strong gorgeous voice, and her entire body on stage. It's magic!

Mamarazzi's Red, White & Blue Swap

It's time to sign up for Mamarazzi's Swap again! This time the theme is Red, White, and Blue! I'm so excited!

Madness

This song caught my attention the other day, and I've been listening to it over and over again ever since. So I'm sharing, and trying to pull myself out of the darkness tonight...

Madness - Alanis Morissette

I've been most unwilling to see this turmoil of mine

The thought of sitting with this has me paralyzed

With this prolong exposure to mirror and and averted eyes

I've feigned that I've been waiting: such mileage for empathizing

[Chorus]
And now I see the madness in me is brought out in the presence of you

And now I know the madness lives on when you're not in the room

And though I'd like to blame you for all, I'd miss these moments of opportune

You've simply brought this madness to light and I should thank you

Oh thank you, much thanks for this birds eye view

Oh thank you for your most generous triggers

It's been all too easy for me to cross my arms and roll my eyes

The thought of dropping all arms leaves me terrified

[Chorus]

I'd have to give up knowing and give up being right
You inadvertent hero, you angel in disguise

[Chorus]

QOD - Thanks Melissa!

Melissa over at Above the Starlit Night (who was my swap buddy) posted this quote today, and I agree with it and love it so much I had to share. Thanks Melissa!

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

- Unknown