Festival of Colors

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama

Rama Rama Hare Hare

Saturday afternoon Josh, Paul, Angel, Max and I all hoped in the car and made the trek down to Spanish Fork for the Festival of Colors. This is thrown annually at the Hare Krishna Temple, and we had found out about it on our last trip down there. We didn't end up leaving Ogden until almost 4pm, and since it started at 4 we were considerably late. When we got there we had to park about a mile away and hike through a maze of fields to get there. What we didn't realize was that the fields were swamp land, and I managed to ruin my really nice new shoes. *Sniffle* They were the new ones I got at Forever Young and Josh said they looked "French", they were also extremely comfy. But it was still worth it.

There was easily a thousand or so people there, and a live band playing the Hare Krishna chant over and over in different fashions. Angel and I spent the first 20 minutes waiting in line for the port-o-potty and then we all wandered around for another 45 minutes looking at things and observing people. Everyone was so colorful! We hadn't managed to get there in time to get any chalk, but Josh and Paul got splattered with some Fuchsia chalk, and were all too happy to share with me! ;) I want to earn some more pink chalk!

Then Josh decided he'd lead the way and head down into the crowd. Angel and I trotted along behind him, then Paul came. Max was all too happy to stand up on the hill and watch. So we danced and it was so much fun! People were throwing shoes up on top of the Gazebo/Stage and crowd surfing, there were guys dancing around in their underwear, and we just stayed on the edge and danced. It really was a blast!

Stopped for gas and dinner at the Flying J in Payson. It was fun to sit around and chat and catch up after the Festival. We weren't the only people there covered in chalk, but the employees there got a kick out of our colors. Then driving home we happened to pass Shayla (my little sister) and her new boyfriend on the freeway, so we all pulled over at Wal Mart to say hello and chat for a minute.

We sang along to Dr. Horrible and the Buffy musical in the car, and by the time we got to my house we smelled badly of swamp water, were covered in dirt and chalk, and poor Josh was asleep in the back seat. We stopped and grabbed me some new shoes and pants, dropped off Paul and Angel, then Max and I settled in at Josh's house for the night so we could do our Sunday morning breakfast at the Star Cafe. It was so much fun! A pretty great weekend overall!

Here's some more pictures that I took at the Festival!

Numb

Today finds this blank "create post" screen taunting me, as I am finding it difficult to make any sense of the emotions that are swirling around so quickly inside of me that they leave me numb. At this moment, numb is good. Numb keeps me from breaking down in public, it keeps me closer to the edge of self-control, and it allows me to distract myself with work and editing stories. However, numb is not conducive to good writing and/or good blogging.

So here I sit, staring at the screen in front of me and typing out my numbness in hopes that it will flow into some form of actual expression, anything at all. Even as I explain this emptiness inside of me I am teetering on the verge of breaking that barrier, that thin line between numb and overwhelmed, that I dare not cross for fear I will lose my ability to function. When you're working an eight hour shift dealing with customers and coworkers, some sense of normal functioning is a necessity. That ability must be maintained until I find myself in the security of my bed, under the blankets where I can hide myself away from the world once more and allow myself to fall to pieces.

Something slightly funny, in an effort to distract myself I decided to check my horoscope today. How accurate can these things be really? "Boost your blue mood with some nice conversation today. Seek out a funny friend." My moods generally don't get any more blue than what I'm feeling right now, and how I wish I had contact with a funny friend right now... I could use a pick-me-up. Unfortunately the people that I would normally contact first, are inappropriate or unavailable at this time. That leaves me wondering who to turn to besides myself, and feeling awfully alone.

I'm just not sure exactly what to say or do to make everything ok, I'm not sure how to turn things around and make it better. How can you show someone that everything you say has more meaning that they're absorbing? That you not only speak from your own heart but with the wisdom of the Universe whispering in your ear as well? There's no way I can give up the fight, not when it's this important to me, I will not lay down and surrender. This is not over.

Astrologically Speaking

I enjoy Astrology, I'll admit to it. That doesn't mean I rely on a horoscope or live my life by it, but it's fun to think about and observe. You'd be surprised how many people live up to the description of their signs, myself included. So here's a little about me... Astrologically speaking, that is.

Birthday: April 18th, 1986 at 8:15pm in Orem UT.

Your sun sign represents the sign of the Zodiac that the sun was in at the time of your birth. It rules willpower and ego, and is said to influence the main direction your life takes. Supposedly, it's a representation of the your core, of your true self. Think of it as the "Soul", your inner personality and potential.

Sun Sign: Aries Element: Fire Quality: Cardinal
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, kind of like being the first born child. They tend to take the role as leadership and put forth the effort in kicking projects off, but not necessarily finishing them. This sign is a bundle of energy and tend to rush head first into things without fully thinking them through first, and just like a burst of fire they can rush into something and rush back out just as quickly. The dawning of a new day -- and all of its possibilities -- is pure bliss to an Aries. People who are Aries are charming and intelligent, but they speak their minds and at times can be too blunt. However, their sheer force of nature is enough to get anyone excited and on board with just about any project.

Your moon sign focuses more on the inner depths of you, and touches more on an emotional/domestic level. This refers to where the moon was at the time of your birth. Think of it as your "Heart", your emotional core.

Moon Sign: Leo Element: Fire Quality: Fixed
Leos are warm and loving and generous, but they tend to think of themselves as the royalty of the Zodiac and expect to be treated as the Queen/King that they feel they are. They inspire loyalty and devotion in their loved ones, which is good because they will never settle for anything less. They are very prideful, and have the strong need to feel recognized and appreciated. The only way to hurt their feelings is to ignore them. Others find them very difficult to resist, due to the amount of love and affection they lavish on the people they care about. Leos are genuine and sincere and have a strong sense of personal integrity.

Your rising sign or "ascendant sign" is in reference to which Zodiac sign was ascending on the eastern horizon at the time of your birth. Think of it as your "physical self", or basically the face you present to the world. People tend to use their rising sign as a "mask" to hide some part of their inner self they don't feel like revealing.

Rising Sign: Scorpio Element: Water Quality: Fixed
Scorpio as a rising sign there is the possibility that your intensity can become intimidating. People are inexplicably drawn to you and tend to tell you things they wouldn't tell other people. The downside to having Scorpio for your ascendant sign is that you can seem a little moody or dangerous, but at least there is an air of Mystery to you! Scorpio's are a water sign so they're very emotional, but also a little emotionally withdrawn.

Chinese Sign: Tiger Element: Fire
Magnetic and self-possessed Tiger signs are born leaders. They are magnetically charming and fun to be around, but there are times when they really need to go it alone. A Tiger's main interest is following it's own ambitions and maintaining control. Tigers have a noble raw appeal that is extremely attractive to other signs, and they will fight the good fight until the very end if they feel their cause is worthy. Tigers can pounce without warning and are prone to mood swings and they often feel things more intensely than others. They need to learn moderation.

So I'm a Fire-Fire-Water with an extra dash of Fire! Does it all seem a little off-balance? It's definitely fitting though. I am headstrong and fiery and I definitely rush into things head first and keep fighting if I feel the cause is worthy. Yet also, there are these underlying emotional feelings and it causes turbulence within me. Intense and energetic, and there are definitely times of mood swings. Haha!

*All artwork here copyright one of my favorite artists Josephine Wall www.josephinewall.co.uk.

I'm Impossible to Forget

So they always say "You never know what you have until it's gone," and personally I haven't experienced much of that. I usually experience the "You always want what you can't have" and avoid the other by getting over things fairly quickly. However, I have to admit that I've been the cause of the former feeling in several people.

Now I know that sounds a bit conceited, but all but one guy I've dated (in any loose interpretation of the word "dated") has come back within 6 months to a year (or at least some point) and tried to get me back or professed their remorse for letting me go. It fascinates me that I should have such a pull on them all. What is sad for them though, is that with my ability to get over things so quickly, by the time they come back I'm completely disinterested.

The most recent case of this is Travis. A guy I was seeing right before I met Matt, and who I really had liked at the time. He stopped calling, then I met Matt and continued on with my life. Well a few months ago he started texting me again, and just yesterday we had an interesting conversation about how he feels like an idiot because he really liked me and he screwed things up.

The moral of this story? The guys I date need to wake up BEFORE they miss their chances! The moral applying to me? That even if it fails with the guy I'm currently dating, there will be others and he will regret it. Mwahahaha! That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! It's always nice to know that you're really hard to forget, and that you have the uncanny ability to get over them much more easily than they do you.

I feel a bit better now. *Grin*

Deflated

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world

There are arms to hold you

You've always known your heart was on it's own

So laugh at your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to love the life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

Live can be lived, life can be loved alone

Learn to be Lonely

From The Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack

I am deflated. Monday was a good day, I walked with my head high and my heart was singing because I had such an awesome time Sunday night. Tuesday was still good, and I was still feeling flushed with excitement about upcoming relationship possibilities. About 11pm last night, it all just seemed to come crashing down on me, and I seemed to lose hope.

It had been such a fantastic date, with so many wonderful things that seemed to have been set in motion, and so many beautiful words said between the two of us that I would have expected some contact by now... At least a call or text message, or a response to one of mine, but there has been nothing. The logical me calmly says "Trust it, it'll be ok, don't jump to conclusions." However, the emotionally vulnerable me (which I opened specifically for him) nags much more loudly in my head "There's a reason you haven't heard from him." Then the worrying starts.

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm meant to have a real relationship. There are my friends, and they are wonderful and close to me, but when it comes to dating/romantic relationships, I haven't very much faith. That's when I begin to wonder if I am meant to be alone, and if I shouldn't just get used to it. Perhaps there is a divine purpose in my being unattached in such a way, and perhaps I should learn to accept it. The song above played through my head as I tried to sleep last night but couldn't because I was shaking with disappointment.

Today I have the following playing in my head:

Did I give my love to soon or wait to long?

Did I take it a little to easy or put it on too strong?

Julie Roberts - Rain on a Tin Roof

The Art of the Human Relationship

There is a drive deep inside of us that pushes us to get close to people. It doesn't matter who you are, or how much you deny it, contact is a part of our baser human needs. Science has proven that babies who aren't touched enough, die. So it goes as we get to be adults, those of us who are not loved and touched, tend to hide ourselves away from the world and continue to shut people out until it gets worse and worse and we finally try to kill ourselves because we just can't take it anymore. Therefore even as adults if we aren't touched enough, we die.

My father often tells me that at about the age of two I stopped cuddling. I was always too busy for such things and when you're a toddler on the go, you're lucky if you stop to give hugs and kisses. As I grew older this stuck with me, and I eventually gained a bubble in which I didn't let people through for much more than a quick-awkward hug. When you're constantly blocking the physical attention, you also learn to distance yourself emotionally. You start to justify it in your head, calling yourself "self-reliant" and "independent", but deep down you're shutting yourself off and blocking people out. What they say is true; old habits do indeed die hard.

Since my first boyfriend had to burst through the bubble, I've done pretty good for dropping my defenses and starting to let people close. Physical contact has become much easier for me, but I'll still admit to a certain level of emotional distance. Yes, I call it "self-reliance/Independence" but honestly, it's a self-preservation tactic I've picked up to keep myself from getting hurt over the years. If I let someone in, I get attached quickly and easily, and that attachment only gets stronger over time. I have several dear friends in my life that I feel as if I couldn't live without, and I like it that way, but attachments don't always end as well as these have.

This distance, has also gotten me into trouble a few times. The most recent being my first date with [womanizer] after he got back, where I distanced myself so far that I pushed him away even though I very much wanted him close. Fear is stupid, but I let it get in and build walls and I didn't fight hard enough to keep the door open because I was afraid. For my last date, I tore the walls down and left myself open and vulnerable. This was a much better night which has left me feeling a bit "twitterpated" and attached, as usual. Now I can't help but keep thinking about it and I'm trying very hard not to over-analyze anything.

This was a very long post when what I really wanted to say was that I'm not sure I like being left open and vulnerable. It's been a long time since I let myself start to fall for someone who might actually reciprocate the feeling, and it's making me feel a bit... Needy? Is that the word I want? I want him to call me, and it's making me a little crazy that I haven't heard from him... I know he's busy, I just want some inkling that he's still feeling the way I am. Or that I have indeed been forgiven for the freak-show that was our first date, because I was so incredibly awesome & natural (though klutzy - which is also natural) on our second date. Gods help me, I don't know if I like being a girl in the relationship!

*Sigh* I'm definitely going to fall for him...

Here's To A Better Week!

Last week had to have been one of the worst weeks of my life. There was incident after incident, and super drama on Friday which I'm not going into because I'm entirely too sick of talking/hearing about it. I'm to the point where it doesn't matter anymore, I'm going to let it go and if other people can't (i.e. the person who caused it all) then that's fine, as long as there's still civility. Kristina, Melissa and I were counting down the minutes until the clock struck Midnight on Saturday night/Sunday morning, and then we all took shots to ring in the new week. I already can tell this week is going to be better, I just feel it in my bones and not even the snow is bringing me down today.

So who wants to hear about my date with Enoch last night? It was terrific! The best part is that I didn't screw it up at all! Following the advice of some of my very dear friends, I was completely open and totally myself, and that was definitely the best thing I could do. I laid my emotions out on the table for him, and I was affectionate and honest and we had a great time because of it.

We met at Barnes & Nobles and walked around looking at books & movies for a while. We discussed our favorites and what we did and did not like. Then we went down and had coffee, which I promptly showed my super-klutz side and spilled mine all over the place. Once that got cleaned up we sat and talked for a while, lucky to be in a corner booth where we had some privacy to chat. I showed him my list of things (which he had requested) and he asked if he could keep it, which was ok with me. It was a really good conversation, and the night ended with some really good affection and I think we both walked away really happy.

He's decided that at the end of the month he's going to take me up to the Castle Creek Inn for a romantic get-a-way so that we can spend the weekend getting to know each other and just spending time alone together. I'm so excited! I've never had anyone do anything so romantic for me, and if it goes through it will be a wonderful first for me! Here's to romance, and falling in love because that's the path I think I'm headed down!

Ostara/Spring Equinox

Well it's the first day of spring, and I find myself in a much better mood today. The sun is shining, there's nothing but blue in the sky, and I had a very good conversation with [womanizer] last night. When I got off work, I texted him and told him that I was feeling really terrible, and I would really appreciate it if he called me. He called around 11:30pm when he got off work, and we talked for an hour. In that amount of time I spilled my guts and opened up all of my emotions to him, and then asked him if he forgave me at all. He told me "I forgive you a little, but you still owe me." Get this - I responded with "Well, what if I told you I was prepared to spend the rest of my life making it up to you?" To which he responded "I think I'd be ok with that." WOW! A little scary, and when I told Matthew about it, his jaw dropped and he said "I can't believe you said that and I can't believe he said that back!" It's kind of crazy.

Also, Happy Birthday Amber! We all love you, and we're lucky to have a friend like you!
On a different note, my thoughts and prayers are out to Josh today. He's headed down to St. George to be with his family because his grandfather is dying. You can read his blog about it here: La Vie & Times de Josh: Death and Love. I know how hard it is to lose a grandparent, two years ago I lost my great grandfather Orson Leavitt (who I was close to) and benefited greatly from the support of my friends. Melanie Grace actually came with me to the funeral and I really appreciated it. Just last August I then lost my great grandmother Bernece Leavitt (also close) and it was hard to deal with without a friend. In any case, I wish I wasn't working today because I would offer to go down for support, because I know how much it can help to have an outside friend who doesn't need you to console them there to help or to listen, and to just be there to support you.

I'm sending you love and light Josh, please don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything at all, and call/text me if you need to talk or just need someone to listen. I'm here for you, and will be for whatever you may need me for.

Still Learning How To Bend

I'm still learning how to pray, trying hard not to stray,

try to see things your way, I'm still learning how to pray.

I'm still learning how to trust, it's so hard to open up,

but I'd do anything for us, I'm still learning how to trust.

I'm still learning how to bend, how to let you in.

In a world fill of tears, we'll conquer all our fears.

I'm still learning how to fly, I wanna take you high.

I'll be there til the end, I'll be your lover and your friend,

I'm still learning how to bend.

I'm just trying to understand, it's all in someone else's hands,

there's always been a bigger plan, that I don't need to understand.

I'm still learning how to bend, I wanna take you in.

In a world full of tears, we'll conquer all our fears.

I'm still learning how to fly, I wanna take you high.

I'll be there til the end, I'll be your lover and your friend,

I'm still learning how to bend.

I'll be there till the end, I'll be your lover and your friend,

I'm still learning how to bend.

-Gary Allen

After the week I've had so far I find myself in this rut, without the motivation to pull myself out of it. It's been a very long time since I have felt so low, and I keep telling myself that there has to be more to it, it can't just be because of my fear of losing him... Yet I continue to stress about it, and worry, and replay it all in my head. I'm worried about my friends too, a few in particular who are going through some stuff now... This week has just been awful, and not only for me.

I am feeling so down that I almost didn't write anything in here today, even though I've been on a roll of writing every day, because it has felt so good to get those creative juices flowing and it's such a great outlet... Today however, I just stared at the "New Post" window and felt too numb to write anything until the above song came on my MP3 player. This song always reminds me of Enoch, has since I very first heard it months ago, and it's extra fitting right now.

"21 [35] Things I Want in a Lover"

I'm very worried that I might have screwed things up with [womanizer] due to my own emotional inadequacies. When we had our date last week, I was awkward and quiet, but genuinely thought by the end of the night that I had warmed up a bit, and that when I kissed him goodnight I was showing that I was still interested. Apparently, it didn't come off that way, and thus one of the reasons I ended up pretty low on his priority list come Sunday when he forgot our plans. He even said the kiss seemed awkward and he thought I was only doing it because I felt it was expected.

Yesterday on my break I spoke with him, and he was starting to write me off. After our date on Thursday he drove home and was really discouraged, but thought he had at least made a good friend, because he felt the emotion was all one-sided. For the record, I want to be more than just his friend! There were things he said to me that I could have been a little hurt by (though he wasn't meaning to be hurtful, just truthful) but all I could think was that I had hurt him so much with my wish-washy back and forth attitude, and that tore me up inside. He told me he had opened his chest up and laid it all out on the table for me, and I just sat there and stared at him. He wanted me to speak from the heart and show him how I really felt, and I didn't. This makes me feel horrible and like a failure, because it was never my intention, and I do indeed care for him a great deal. I'm really worried about this, because he matters to me, and sometimes I think I never see my future so clearly as when I'm imagining it with him... He still feels right.

Suffice it to say I didn't sleep much, and I probably wont this week. We've planned to get together on Sunday and talk about it a little more, and I know I have to go the extra mile and fight for what I want. I've pushed him too far and he's shutting me out, and I realize now that I had walls up that weren't letting me be completely real with him the other night, and now I have to tear them down and be as vulnerable as I can be. For I honestly believe, it will only be when I show him my every vulnerability and leave myself emotionally exposed will he see how I really feel. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty scared to do so, but I have to take this risk because I know it will be worth it.

He asked me to make a list of the 10 things (or more) I wanted in a significant other, so I thought I'd include it here. I ended up with 35 things, and I may add more to it before we discuss it on Sunday. This was a good idea, it'll make it easier for me to talk about it all, because I'll have it in writing!

1. My best friend, one who I can do just about anything with and never get sick of.
2. The person who can look at me first thing in the morning, with no makeup and messy hair and tell me I am still the most beautiful woman they've ever seen.
3. They will not want to cage me, instead take my hand and run with me forever, and settle with me when we're ready to settle together.
4. "Someone dorky, because I'm a dork and I want dorky children." - Alanis
5. They should be sensible, and have a good head on their shoulders but still not afraid to let loose once in a while and run through the sprinklers at 2am on a random night.
6. Someone goal-oriented, who chases after what they want in life and doesn't let stagnancy take over.
7. A man who will woo me for the rest of my life, and make me fall in love with him every second of every day.
8. One who gets my quirks, and understands my need for everything to be unique. I don't want romance like everyone else has, I want my own memories and I want them to stand out. For example: stopping to hand pick a handful of wildflowers rather than buying roses, or buying a cheap ring out of a vending machine because it reminded him of me.
9. A person who loves to be outdoors in nature, who will hike, camp, ride and play with me in the dirt and lake.
10. Someone good with kids, who loves them and they love him back.
11. Passion and fire, the man who will grab me and push me up against the wall just because they want to kiss me that badly.
12. Someone who is never afraid to try new things, or if they are they will do it anyway at least once.
13. A person I can have long in-depth conversations that last hours, and who I can also sit in total silence with when the need is there and not feel the need to talk.
14. A travel companion, who will go with me to see the world and escape at times.
15. Someone who understands my need for change, and wont get mad if I rearrange the furniture every few months or want to re-paint the bedroom, or dye my hair a funky color.
16. An animal lover who will allow me to have pets, because I love them.
17. Chivalry is not dead. If he opens the door for me, he definitely gets bonus points.
18. He needs to understand it's the little things that matter. Grand gestures are marvelous, but they're not always necessary. Sometimes writing "I love you" on the back of an envelope on the way out the door in the morning is enough.
19. Someone who thinks I'm a priority, and who values my company above all others.
20. A person who enjoys his friends, and who enjoys my friends as well. He has to want to hang out with my friends as much as he wants me to hang out with his. My friends are my family.
21. One who loves me even when we're fighting and angry at each other.
22. A man who knows how to man up and be strong when necessary, but who also can let me see his sensitive side, like crying when handed his child for the first time.
23. Variety. Maybe one night we want to stay in and watch a movie, but the next we want to go out dancing, and then the next we have a couple friends over to play games and/or BBQ.
24. Someone active, who will run and jump and play with me and go climbing all over the mountain just because we're curious what the view is from the top.
25. He has to get along with my family, and his family should love me too.
26. Give and take. We both have to be able to give at times, and take at times. Balance is necessary.
27. The person who at the end of the day, just can't wait to get home to me so they can kiss me and tell me all about their day - no matter how boring, just because they want to see me.
28. Someone I want to fall asleep next to each night, and awake next to every morning & who feels likewise.
29. A true romantic. The kind who hears a song that reminds him of me, then comes home and plays it for me and cuddles or dances with me in the living room while we listen. (My daddy used to do this.)
30. Someone who matches my drive in bed! :P
31. A person who pushes me to better myself, but still loves me even if I fall short.
32. Honesty. Always always Honesty. This should be number 1!
33. Someone who has faith in something. I don't want someone who never believes in the magic of the universe. Be it God, or the Universe, or anything... Just as long as it's something...
34. A guy who has "guys night out" or spends time with his friends outside of the relationship and who allows me to do so too at times, but who still misses me because I'm not there.
35. Someone who doesn't "need" me, but rather "wants" me with every fiber of his being.

Happy Birthday Sneeze!

My Aunt does these kind of posts, and I think it's pretty cool to honor them in a blog for their birthday... So here's a happy birthday to my roommate and dear friend Sneeze! Sorry it's a day late buddy!

Here's to a guy who's a great friend and a great dad, and who is working hard to get custody and give his kids a better life. Who is currently taking classes to become a paralegal, because the fight for his children has inspired him to go and learn more about the laws and help others with similar situations, as well as provide for his family and further his career.

Here's to the guy who's not afraid to get down and play "horsey" and let his kids ride around on his back, even though he has a bad back. To the guy who has a hard time punishing his little girl because she's too cute, and the guy who is best friends with his son. The dad that inspired his son to want a set of tools for Xmas "just like my daddy" as Devin put it. The dad who's children cry when they have to go back to their mom's house, because they love him so much. To uncle "Matt-Mew" who Kaden just adores, and who Kailee counts as one of her favorite uncles!

We love you so much Sneeze!

(Even when you're obsessing!)

Glitter In The Air

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face

And said I just don't care

It's only half past the point of no return

The tip of the ice burg

The sun before the burn

The thunder before lightning

The breathe before the Fraze

Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?

You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone

Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?

Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion

The hourglass on the table

The walk before the run

The breathe before the kiss

And the fear before the flames

Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden

Clutching my coffee,

Calling me sugar

You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?

Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight

Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

Tonight

-Glitter in the Air by Pink

So Kristina and I went out for a girls night last night. The plan was to go to a movie together and then go shopping to get Matt something for his birthday. We ended up going and seeing He's Just Not That Into You which had a slew of names in it. Click here to see the who they all are. Basically in the story you have the couple who got married right out of college, the couple who's been together for 7 years and he wont marry her, the lonely girl longing to find true love but who scares them all away with her desperation, the guy who's in love with the girl who doesn't really want him but strings him along, the girl who keeps meeting guys online, and the guy who becomes the friend who points out that the guys just aren't that into the lonely girl. It was crazy, and there were times through the movie where we were just about yelling at the screen because these people were SO messed up. It was cute, and ended kind of cute, but it was also a little depressing. It really makes me lose more and more faith in my species, because all the while you're sitting there thinking "these characters are pretty real" and then shaking your head because it's so pathetic.

Then of course Kristina and began talking and analyzing the movie on our way to the car and then applying it to our lives and our relationships. This made me even more depressed. It's not like I have any lack of love life, by any means, it's just that it's all so confusing to me! I just don't know if I'm coming or going, or which way is up anymore. The main problem seems to be that what I want, and how I feel, fluctuate so often that I not only leave my partners spinning, but myself as well.

I wont lie, I'm a still a little hurt that I was forgotten. He left me a message apologizing and saying he "spaced it." What is that? Just about the time I make up my mind to stop running and put myself in place to just go with the flow and perhaps take a leap in the right direction, he goes and forgets me. It's this "one step forward, two steps back" thing and now I don't know what to do. What I want is no mystery to me, but how I want to get there, the path is yet undetermined...

Anyway, Kristina and I ended up driving around for 2 hours last night and didn't get home until about 3am. We just looped through all of the neighborhoods in Layton, South Weber, Riverdale, and South Ogden with the windows down and singing along at the top of our lungs to Alanis. It was exhilarating and helped clear our heads and give us a small rush when life can become so monotonous sometimes. It was worth being extra tired today, and I loved it!

Stood Up

So I totally got stood up yesterday! [[Womanizer]] and I had planned to get together on Sunday, and I knew it wasn't set in stone, but he did promise to call me when he woke up on Sunday to arrange things. I never heard from him, even after trying to call him twice to see what was up, when 8pm rolled around I decided it was ok for me to be angry. It's not so much that I was stood up, because I was more than happy to just chill with my friends, but it's the fact that I didn't even get a phone call or a text. Like I didn't matter enough for that. That's what frustrates me!

Anyways, this weekend was pretty fun. I worked until about 4:45pm Saturday (bailed early because it was slow, and I really only needed to make up 7 hours) and got home and found myself bored there as well. Hopped in the car and ended up at Josh's house again. We picked up Paul and Max, went to Chinese food and then went home and played Ultimate Street Fighter and Gloom while we drank alcoholic Orange Dreamcicle's. It was a lot of fun! We all crashed there, and then Sunday we got up and went to IHOP for breakfast. We spent 3 hours sitting there chatting, it was a lot of fun.

Next week is Spring Equinox, and we're talking about going to the Sun Tunnels for it. The only problem is that Max works on Saturdays until about 4pm, so it might not work out... It might even be too cold and snowy up there for it to matter. It may only work on Solstice too, I need to do some more research...

In any case, I really love my friends! They complete my world and make me sane! I'm so glad I have them and that they've always been there for me when I need them!

Can I Be That Girl?

After three years of casual dating and small flings, I find myself lacking the practice at relationships. I had one long-term relationship which started in 2004 when I was 18 and ended in 2006 just before I turned 20. Since then there have probably been about 12-15 guys that I would consider dating experience. These are guys that I had a small fling with, or went out with a couple of times, tried to have open relationships with, or some would even classify as a one night stand. They were not, by any means, lasting relationships.

That doesn't mean I don't remember them all pretty well, and chalk them up to experience, it just means that I feel inexperienced when it comes to relationships. Love is a different story. I have always been a person that was capable of opening up and fully loving just about anyone I decided to, and I love all of my friends more than I could possibly explain. Even a few of the "flings" I would admit to have loved some of them, as it is easy for me to love people, and to love whole-heartedly. I do not doubt my ability to love, however I wonder about my ability to function in a proper relationship.

It's not that I don't want to ever have a normal relationships, it's just that for three years it's been a different story, and even before that you could hardly call it functional. So forgive me if I'm a little gun-shy, but I honestly find myself asking "could I really be that girl?" Before, I'd always thought I'd make an awesome girlfriend, so why now the hesitance? Why am I so afraid of failure here?

I think I've just gotten to where it's comfortable for me here. I'm used to this, this is the rythm and the flow that I've settled into. There's no telling who I'll be if I shake that up too much.

Oh well... I guess I just jump and see where I land...

I Hate Dating

So I had my date with [Womanizer] last night. The whole day I stressed that I would get stood up, and when he didn't return my call when I called him at lunch (like he asked) to make plans, I got worried. When I tried again at my last break, no answer either. So I texted him to make sure he wasn't going to stand me up. He replied that he'd gotten a job, and he was sorry but he was going to work late.

So that set me into a foul mood to begin with, because I really thought he was going to be canceling on me. Found out, he was just going to be late. Yeah yeah yeah, I shouldn't jump to conclusions, and I shouldn't overreact. In any case, he showed up at my house about 9:30, and picked me up. We went to IHOP to have dinner (since it's Utah, there's not much open after that time) and we sat and talked.

I was awkward, I wont lie. I pretty much just sat there and didn't make very good conversation. He was confused, and I felt bad. You could definitely tell that he was expecting more when he came home, and honestly that's my fault. Argh! Why do I have to go back and forth so much and flip flop on what I want? It's all because one moment I really want it, and then another I get scared and tend to shy away from it. Blech!


Also, I really know I shouldn't make comparisons... Especially not when I'm feeling awkward. What on earth is wrong with me? Why do I always have to be so Jaded, and why do I always have to try and screw it up for myself? Gods, some of the things I found myself failing to explain, left him looking like I'd killed his cat or something. Awful!

The conversation was pretty serious, he told me basically everything he wants and what time frame he is looking at. What's funny is, I want all of those things too! I just think my time frame is a little different, I'm a little slower, and it takes me longer to make up my mind. I've been impetuous before, I don't want to rush right in to rush right back out again. But I don't want to hesitate so long I lose my shot at something that could potentially be great for me.

By the end of the evening I'd warmed up enough that I offered my hand, and was talking and opening up a bit more. I still wasn't wavering much on my uncertainty, but I was doing a better job of explaining it. *I think* He had to go home about 11:00, because he had to be up at 5am the next day, but we discussed seeing each other Sunday, and I got gutsy enough to give him a quick peck or two before he left... I still hope I'll get over the nerves.

Rescuing Friends

This whole week has been crazy, as it's just seemed to be one thing after the other, and everything just seems to be coming out of left field and blindsiding me. Yesterday, by far, had to be the craziest day of them all!

When I'm bored at work, I can check my facebook account from my phone (I have unlimited data usage, it rocks!) and just happened to do so about 7pm last night. One of my very dearest friends had changed his status to say "I just have to say goodbye and I love you even if you wont understand." Now, this could be passed off as anything if you don't know him, and don't know his history. This worried me, so I immediately messaged another Josh (his best friend) and asked him if he knew what was going on. He was in class, but as soon as it ended he headed up to see what was going on. All the while I was very antsy and wanted to run up too, but was stuck on call after call at work, and didn't get out of their until about ten after 8pm. The update I got via text said that Josh was out looking for him, and that friend's family didn't know where he was either, and was out looking for him. Had to stop for gas and then drove as fast as I possibly could to get up to Ogden to help look.

I met up with Josh at that friend's house, and we stopped and talked to the family a while. The first place we checked was a trail head up on Mountain road where we knew this friend frequented, and we ended up hiking up it. Having had asthma since I was a child, my poor lungs really had a hard time with the cold air, not to mention my chest and ribs were still sore from having the stomach flu the day before. I had had an intuition that morning that I should wear my boots rather than my little slip on mary-janes, but I went with the fashionable shoes because it was warm outside. Boy, did I really wish I was wearing my boots when I was trudging through the snow and the mud on the side of that mountain!

It really frustrates me! Why on earth did the universe give me this "witch intuition" and these abilities if I can't use them for things that matter? It's not fair at all! What is the point in having the psychic ability tell me to wear boots (no matter how useful that would have been to listen too) and not be able to locate a missing friend? I want to be able to hone my ability more, and be able to use it for things that matter and not silly things like shoes! Josh and I discussed it and we thought it might have something to do with our emotion getting in the way, because we're both super gifted, but then we may be too close to the situation! I want to be able to put emotion aside and use my gift for anything!

Anyways, we ended up back at his house with his family and the police were finally involved. His brother had seen him about a half hour before, so we went and drove through the cemetery and the ATC looking for him, and by the time we got back to the house we were surprised to find an officer already there. After the officer left, we finally found him walking home and got out of the car to talk to him. He wouldn't talk to us, and seemed pretty upset, so we just walked in silence with him home. Immediately he locked himself in his room, and we talked with his family a bit more and then headed home. I really wish I could show him how much we all loved him, because not only was his whole family there looking for him, but Josh and I were too, and I was getting calls/texts every 10 minutes from friends who wanted to be there but couldn't and were looking for an update. We do love him so much.

That wasn't the end of my night, I realize this post is long, but it was such a crazy day I have to share! I get home about 11:30 and Kristina is sitting on the couch reading Mark's most recent blog. Turns out there was a huge mishap at work (I wont go into too many details) and he was put on administrative leave. There was an incident that happened, and it wasn't even on his shift, but he happened to have been in charge the shift before where they say the precipitating events occurred, and they may need a fall guy. In any case, they've put him on paid leave until they can get the whole thing sorted out. Well he really needed a friend or two, but couldn't come up because he'd been drinking (alone) since about 6pm and was feeling really down.

So I said "What the hell!" and Kristina and I jumped in the car, cranked up the music, and were on our way to Salt Lake City to pick him up. The drive down was super fun, and we sang at the top of our lungs to Alanis in the car and drove with the windows down part of the way... Swung into SLC, picked up Mark at his apartment and drove back home. We chatted along the way about Mark's woes, and then stopped and spent 45 minutes fooling around in Wally World and getting groceries because we really don't have much in the house. It was kind of fun actually.

Anyways, I'll end my long post here, but can you seriously add this to the list I'm quickly wracking up here of reason's why this week is one of the most INSANE I've ever had to live through? I still have at least two & a half more days of this because IT'S ONLY THURSDAY! But tonight, Enoch is coming over... I'm both nervous and excited, and I have butterflies making my tummy all grumbly! So I'll be sure to have another post with an update tomorrow morning... If anyone reads these long things.. I hope they're at least entertaining!

What a Weekend!

Whew! What a weekend! This past weekend, I took 4 days off of work so that I could watch Kailee and Kaden while Ken and Kristina were in Vegas. Also, Matthew had his kids up for the weekend, so there were 4 children under 4 running around the house. I wont lie, there were a few times where I very nearly considered having my uterus taken out! All in all however, we did just fine and I had some fun with them too.

Saturday night, after the kids were put to bed we were supposed to have a bunch of friends over to watch movies, but they all bailed but Josh. No biggie though, we had a good time and he's enough company for me! ;)

On Sunday, I got a huge surprise via voicemail. [Womanizer], whom I know I've mentioned that he was coming home on the 20th, called me and I missed it. His voicemail said he was home already, and I dropped the phone. The shock was huge, because I thought there would be a few more weeks for me to get ready for it and figure out what I want. At first I really stressed about it, because I'm not sure I want to have a serious relationship yet, because I'm having so much fun with my friends and dating around right now.

I've had a friend or two express their worry about when other friends get into a relationship, their single friends stop seeing them as much or at all. They tend to disappear, and I worried about that too, because I love my friends more than you can possibly imagine. However, I don't' see why I should have to give any of that up at all. I'm going to do my best to merge those relationships, so they become his friends too! Besides, look at Ken and Kristina, they do really well at maintaining friendships and they have been married 5 years with 2 small children...

Anyways, after thinking about this a lot, and coming to the conclusion that I'm pretty sure I don't really have to sacrifice much and that I can maintain close friendships, I feel a lot more calm about it all now. That doesn't mean I'm rushing right into a commitment, I'm still going to take things slow and just let things take their natural course... No rushing, no blocking, just go with the flow and see where I end up... Should be fun! As for those friends that worry, I'll just have to prove their fears wrong, and show them that I'm still there just like before! :)

So, [womanizer] is supposed to be coming up either tonight or tomorrow... I'm a little nervous! I don't think I'll really believe he's here until I see him once or twice!

Just a Quickie - Cuz I'm Freaking Out!

I just got a voice mail... [[Womanizer]] is in Salt Lake!!!! I'm really freaking out right now, I don't know why it freaks me so badly, but it does...

I thought I had a few more weeks... A few weeks to prepare and reconcile some emotions I've been having, but I DON'T! It's now! He's home and I have to be ready now! Whoa..

I had a bit of a panic attack... I'm so not ready!

I wish I could take the sight from my eyes, and make it replace yours.  How I long to be able to show you the way I see you!  If only there was a way to capture the beauty as it pours off of you and to cup it in my hands and share it.  It fills me up, with so much light and so much awe that sometimes I feel as if I might burst!  My chest is tight, it constricts, and tears roll down my face simply as a release mechanism... As your love, and your purity flow into me, flushing out any lingering negativity or fear.

You are a work of art, from the very paintbrush of the heavens... Every flaw, a different brush stroke, and every color coming together to make perfection.  Pure and utter perfection.

Tell me you think I don't want you, or don't want to be near you, and I will refute any such charge that escapes your lips.   Every moment longing to prove it to you, longing to rip the heart from my chest long enough to place it in your hands for you to see... Just to show you how much I really do love you, how much you truly mean to me, and that I want you in my life.  It would be the smallest token really, and I would lay down my life and still feel it were not enough...  I would circle the heavens, and still pray there were something more I could do for you, and try through each rebirth, and each death... 

You fill my life with such meaning, and such beauty.  There is a purpose here, that goes beyond comprehension, and fills me with the drive to keep you close.  The longing to have you near me when you are not.  The need to speak to you again, to grow once more from your presence, and to learn everything you have to teach me.  For my spirit soars as my knowledge advances, and you teach me so much more than either of us are aware of at the time... You feed my soul, and nourish the desire inside of me to be a better person.

Do not think you could ever let me down or disappoint me.  You are, and you just are.  I don't expect you to be anything more than what is natural, and what is right and beautiful like you are every single day.  I love you when you are at your worst and when you are at your best, and that love never falters or fluctuates, because as you are just you, it is just it and will continue to be so... 

Even now as you read this, I am sure that you are having difficulty absorbing or believing it all... I assure you I speak only the gods honest truth, and even as these thoughts flow through my fingertips and onto the page, they are barely skimming the surface.  The true emotion, deep down, is much to complex and beautiful; words would not begin to do it justice... 

I love you, my dearest friend, and will always.  Thank you for how you brighten my world, and how you make everything in it so much more spectacular.  It was a truly beautiful thing when we created each other into our worlds.  

Quote

Josh just sent me this quote, and I had to share it.

"You could sleep with the whole world, and still feel rejected."

It just fits so well with my recent blog, and my mood...

Let's Psycho-Analyze Me

I am exhausted. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Kailee, Devin & Hailey Waiting for their story at bedtime.

First off, I'm physically exhausted because I went to the midnight showing of Watchmen last night which was an absolutely awesome movie! Totally worth it to get less than three hours of sleep because I had to get up with Kristina's kids which I'm watching this weekend. Matt's kids are here as well, which makes it super exhausting. Beyond exhausting as I just cannot always handle 4 kids under the age of 4, it's too much. By noon I was craving adult conversation, and let's face it, Matt doesn't count. (Usually because he's too focused on legal stuff, so he doesn't really count for conversation at all most of the time.) It can be fun playing Mommy, but it can also be WAY too much. I was happy to read them a story and put them to bed tonight.

Otherwise, I'm emotionally exhausted because I just don't get why it all has to happen at once when it isn't wanted. I came to the conclusion tonight that I choose to have messed up relationship issues. Matthew told me that I was like a cat - If you love me and want to come up and pet me I run from you, but if you're unavailable and don't want me at the time... Well then I go chasing you and try to climb into your lap and beg for loving. It's so messed up, and it's so damned true! So how does this apply to real life? Let me break it down...

I have this awesome guy who is madly in love with me, who is probably perfect for me in so many ways, who is coming home from the military in two weeks and is all psyched to be with me. How do I feel? I'm freaking out. The line from Dr. Horrible keeps going through my head "With my freeze ray I will stop, the pain..." All I can think is how I wish I had a freeze ray to stop time because I feel it's going too fast... Mr. Awesome? Don't know if I want him. Why? Maybe because I just don't know him enough to be in love with him yet... OR just maybe it's because he's emotionally & physically available and he wants me back!!! WTF mate?

So ask me what I'm going to do, hell if I know... Maybe go chasing after the one guy who doesn't want me to chase after him? The one guy who doesn't want me! Yay! Let's go fall in love with that one! Better yet, let's make him the one that doesn't like intimacy and is probably a raging homosexual. Yes, you can see the real him, and you honest-to-god love the real him because he's super amazing, but he DOESN'T WANT YOU!!! That will be fun... He can reject me, I can let myself be heartbroken for a day (because I always bounce-back super quick), and then go back to having a good reason for being single... Uh oh, I think we may have just found the root of the problem here Doctor!

Maybe I'm not built for real relationships... Do you think that could be the case? I've had one serious long-term relationship before, and we all saw how that went. Granted, it was my first relationship at all, and it was my first heartbreak when it ended a 2 years later, but that was 2006... But come on, it's 2009 now! And I've had 3 years filled with meaningless flings, short-term relationships and one night stands... Oh let's not forget the poly amorous stint and also the FWBs along the way... But oh how much fun I've had with my FWBs. I'm not sure I really want to give that up just yet...

So is it my fear of failure? Or a fear of commitment? I'm deathly afraid of stagnancy, and even more afraid of becoming some caged little bird... I need a partner that is ever changing and growing with me, and who can be spontaneous and give me space to spread my wings when needed. Someone who understands that I'm a total freak who is positively giddy when they cut the guys arm off with a chainsaw in the movie, but who is also a lover and a nurturer who has an uncanny way with children and animals... That I'm the girl who's drinking and dancing and flirting, and then the next day meditating on some rock in the forest all earthy and beautiful. The girl who secretly longs for the picket fence, but who also wishes that picket fence had wheels so she could keep moving, and that if it's posted into the ground... Well she worries that one day she'll get bored and tear it down...

Wow... I just re-read this and I sound like a total psych case... I mean really... It's probably just because it's tonight, and I feel a little emotionally unstable, so I'm just writing and pouring out thoughts as they come... Please take everything I just said with a grain of salt, because knowing me... I may feel entirely differently tomorrow... Also, a lot of it is complete exaggeration! LOL, because it was just fun to tear into my issues for a moment... lol

In Response To My Previous Post

These comments were in response to my previous blog called I Support Human Rights and were posted on a blog of Josh's called My Comment on Angie's Blog and I just felt I should share them.

Josh said the following:

Max brought up and interesting point the other day. He said "the LDS church has been kicked out of how many states and be persecuted against for years and they constantly whine about it and they are willing to persecute another group extremely quickly. It doesn't make sense!" I don't know a whole lot about the church. I did when i was younger just so i could argue points but then I realized I didn't need to argue and since I don't believe in "missionaring" I didn't see the point me trying to change peoples minds. Laissez faire, if people choose that faith and those beliefs that is their choice, I don't agree with them but I don't need to change them to my thinking because that would be just like them and I don't believe that way. Love is what I believe in and anytime there isn't love in that space it's not the best space to be in, so going from their beliefs if god is love what is the other? I throughly believe that inhibiting the rights of a human being is not love and I implore christians to ask WWJD? Remember Jesus loved everyone and did not discriminate and never said anything about people being evil, shellfish being a sin, or beating your wife is ok, or homosexual acts being a sin, read your praised book Jesus never said any of those things so think "judge not least ye be judged" and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

My reply to this, that I felt I had to share:

I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, even back when I was actively attending church and trying very hard to believe it, I didn't see how the rest of the congregation didn't see it the way I did. I think that's one of the main points that allowed me to rethink my believe and my choice of religion as a teenager. I had friends that were gay, and friends that weren't LDS, and I was constantly taught "Jesus said love everyone no matter what" and in the same breath "Don't associate with sinners, and being gay is a sin. Also, try and convert those friends that arent." I didn't see how the two could go hand in hand, because they can't.

They can use their bible, and find millions of passages to throw at you. Like 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." OR Exodus 22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." But they also say "We believe in the bible so far as it is translated correctly." But it can't have been translated completely correct because it was originally written in ancient Hebrew, and even with more modern languages things don't always transfer over with the same meaning. Even look from French to English, there are so many things that don't have the same meaning when translated.

Not to mention it's been translated how many dozens of times by how many dozens of different men who could have let their own bias get in the way of what they were translating? I mean look at how many different versions of the bible we even have available to us now, there are about 11 and each christian religion chooses a different version to base their beliefs off of. Even the Book of Mormon (as per their own legends) was translated by Joseph Smith using glowing stones inside of a hat, while he dictated it to Martin Harris who scribed for him. There are two different men translating an ancient text (that neither of them knew previously) by "the power of god" allowing them to understand.

The way I see it, the entire religion (and most Christian religions) are based on bias. No person is completely unbiased in their beliefs, and no person can translate anything without putting a tiny amount of their own biased into those pages. So yes, Jesus really could have existed - I personally believe he did and he was a good man with a good message to spread. I don't beleive he died for my sins, but I classify him with Ghandi, and Buddah, and other great teachers/prophets who had a good message of love and peace to spread. But somehow that message gets lost in translation, and even if they get the basic meaning of it, they don't seem to understand that what he taught, and what they teach now days - are two totally separate things.

I Support HUMAN Rights

Growing up in Utah, and also spending the first 17 years of my life as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I know the teachings pretty well. Since I was old enough to be a sunbeam I was attending church on my own, as my parents were inactive and my grandmother would take me. At the age of 10 I was baptised on the same day as my 8 year old brother Cole, and I still have the picture of my standing next to the missionaries. Into my teenage years I continued to go, even when I would be the only one in my family to attend. Called into positions such as Beehive Secretary, Mia maid President, and I was even serving as the Laurels President when I stopped attending church at the age of 17.

After 4 years in LDS seminary throughout high school, I have read the Book of Mormon, The Old & New Testament, The Pearl of Great Price, and various other readings. I spent nights on my knees, praying that god would teach me what was right, and that he would allow me to feel that the church was right. Fast Sundays, I would stand in front of the congregation and my classmates and bear my testimony nearly half-hearted because it was just a repeat of what everyone else says when they say theirs. My mother and father still don't think I tried hard enough to believe in it, but I know that I did everything I could do.

I wanted to believe, I wanted desperately to live that life and to follow the teachings of the Mormon doctrine. That was what everyone told me was right, that was what everyone else around me believed was the right way. I'll admit, there are quite a few of the teachings I am very grateful for, and still believe in; but there are also quite a few of the teachings I strongly disagree with, and that is why I do not consider myself as that religion anymore. This is probably one of the strongest reasons: I support equal rights.

A brilliant friend of mine, who actually is bisexual, said something very awesome to me. He looked at me and said "I don't support gay rights." Then in response to my confusion, he said "I support HUMAN rights. That everyone should be equal, and not treated differently because they are a minority." I completely agree.

To me it is inconceivable that anyone should have any lesser rights than anyone , and that any organization should fight so fiercely to prevent it because of a word. Back in the 60s it was equal rights for people of different races, and now it's a matter of fighting for equal rights for people of different orientations. There really is no difference in the fight or cause, just a difference in the people who are fighting for it, and yet it is still the same issue! How does saying that they shouldn't have the right to love as freely as you any difference from saying a black person should sit in the back of the bus or go to a different school than your children? How does this make you any different than a racist?

I honestly don't know how some of my family and friends will feel when they read this, and by no means do I intend to offend anyone, but I do feel the need to bear my testimony here that bigotry is wrong! Discrimination in any sense of the word is WRONG! These are people, they were created in God's image just as you were, and they just want to be allowed to love and live and raise a family just like you do. All of these rights you take for granted, all of these things you do without even thinking twice, are being withheld from honest citizens who come from the same place as you do. They have the same ancestors who immigrated to this company for freedom, and yet this country really isn't free. This country, and so many of it's people, are hypocrites.

I will continue to stand up for this belief, and continue to fight for equal rights. Last November I marched in an equal rights march and shouted with the crowd, and I will do it again at the next available opportunity. At that time I truly felt like I was part of something marvelous, and that I was fighting for a most worthy cause. What if your rights were taken from you because of something that was not uniform? Because you were a blond, or because you didn't like milk? It doesn't make any sense.


So suffice it to say, I really hope that Prop 8 gets overturned tomorrow. With all of my heart I hope that the government comes to it's senses and stops segregation and discrimination. It's not right, it's immoral and it's disturbing that human beings can be so horrible! Also, I hope the rest of the country comes to it's senses, and that we can fix the laws in all 50 states!

Here are some links I feel are important:
Sign The Petition Here!
Stop8.org
Gay_Blog.blogspot
Article: Amnesty, Overturn Prop 8
Article: March 5th, Overturn Prop 8
Article: The Court Will Overturn Prop 8


*All of these photos were taken by me at the November Equality march that I attended.