And I'm Caught-I Forget All That I've Been Taught...

It's kind of humorous, how even as a strong and independent woman who has learned multiple times, through mistakes both my own and others, not to wait for a man-I find myself doing it anyway.  Dating over the years has taught me a few things, and usually it all comes back to the whole 'he's just not that into you' thing (even though a lot of my old reasons in that post no longer hold water with me).  If a guy wants you, he'll make it happen, you shouldn't have to wait around like a fool trying to decide whether he does or not.

However, sometimes I think you need to throw the rules into the wind and blaze a newer braver path.  There's no reward without a little risk, is there?  This time it's different.  I'm not waiting around blindly for what I want.  Instead, he's been very clear with me from the get go about what he plans to do, how he feels, and what is happening along the way.  It's kind of remarkable, this full honesty policy we're working with, and I think that makes all the difference with people.  It's nice to find someone who can be as blunt and honest as I can-it's really remarkable.

But one thing is for sure, I'm caught.  I want to see what happens next, and I trust him enough to give it time and know he's working on it.  Here's hoping the time goes by quickly, and things fall into a great place for the both of us again.

This week's song:

Caught

by Florence + The Machine

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do

To try and keep from calling you

Well, can my dreams keep coming true?

How can they? Cause when I sleep I never dream of you.

As if the dream of you, it sleeps too, but it never slips away

It just gains it's strength and digs its hooks to drag me through the day

And I'm caught

I forget all that I've been taught

I can't keep I can't keep still

Pulled apart against my will

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to prove

You turn to salt as I turn around to look at you

Old friends have said, the books I've read say it's the thing to do

But it's hard to see it when you're in it because I went blind for you

Then you leave my head, crawl out of bed, subconscious solipsist

And for those hours deep in the dark, perhaps you don't exist 

But I'm caught

I forget all that I've been taught

I can't keep I can't keep still

Pulled apart against my will

And I was thrashing on the line

Somewhere between desperate and divine

I can't keep calm, I can't keep still

Persephone will have her fill

And I'm caught

I forget all that I've been taught

I can't keep I can't keep still

Pulled apart against my will

(x2

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com/search/label/Musical%20Mondays" target="blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtV_QpFuWBTwQpTCc7Em7jiVq3BuJNTezvriGP4loOKnoXMiFwZDw6ALEWjpQEnPKkrCx8OiyOvKnv2NLAUTGqO4Hn9gOlsd4Nor5UZo-V1r7oJmiivpnKAyRwYwT5eXlui8JBFkybxUJN/s1600/MMNewButton.jpg" alt="Musical Mondays at My So-Called Chaos></a>

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where you can share songs or other music-related posts each Monday and link up with the linky.  Then you can enter the monthly giveaway and visit the other music posts linked up. To join us:

• Write a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
• Include the Musical Mondays button (code below) and/or a link back.
• Link-up in the linky below.
• Visit other Musical Monday links in the linky.
• Enter the Giveaway below.

This month's giveaway is going to be a book, about music, because I decided to combine to things I love-books and Musical Mondays!  So you can enter to win a copy of Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield.  Giveaway is open Worldwide and ends on July 1st at 12AM.  Entering below agrees to all terms and conditions within the Rafflecopter.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

My Heart Lives In My Vagina - Or Why Attachment Does NOT Equal Love

I still remember this episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Okay, I remember all of the episodes because it's my comfort show and I may or may not have watched most of the seasons like five eleven times.  When the "Perfect Little Accident"episode (season 6, episode 16) aired Kristina immediately turned to me and said "THAT'S YOU!"  And I just blinked at her.  I couldn't deny it then, and I definitely can't deny it now.  For those of you who haven't seen the show, the little sister character (Lexi) is planning to sleep with a mutual friend of theirs (again), and the big sister (Meredith) warns her not to because she'll get attached.

One night stands don't work for me.  Sleeping together without having feelings for each other doesn't work for me.  This is something that time and a lot of experience with the matter have taught me.  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to convince myself otherwise because I was thinking with my hormones and not with my head, only to have another lesson-induced smack down from the Universe saying "You can't do this."

Why don't they work for me?  I get attached.  It's just something that happens, and I've come to accept that about myself.  My heart does live in my vagina, and chances are if I choose to be intimate with someone like that I already have feelings for them-feelings that can only be intensified after being so close and releasing all of those love-like chemicals into the brain.  You see sex, or most physical contact, releases all sorts of hormones and makes your Dopamine skyrocket.  This is much like a reaction to a drug or any other addictive substance, and that is why when it goes away we crash so hard.  They're love withdrawals, and I get them bad.

I've spent a lot of my life fighting this fact. It seems to me that it would be much easier if I could just satisfy any physical need I want without wanting anything more than that from people. However, I've come to realize that feeling something for people isn't a bad thing.  How can it be wrong to love with all you have?  It's not.  I'd rather fall for every person I'm intimate with and get hurt than be numb or unfeeling.  I honestly believe we should go out there and love anything and everything we have.  We should love the people who love us, and we should love the people who don't.  There's far too much else in this world, a little extra love isn't a bad thing.  Spread it around freely.

The problem comes with the attachment. To be attached to something means we're placing the power of our happiness or love on the condition that the thing we're attached to will always be there.  When we get attached to something we forget that nothing is permanent, and that the only thing we can control is our own actions and reactions.  That thing we're attaching our hopes and dreams to could be gone in an instant, and when it goes we're going to hurt-a lot.

Attachment does not equal love.  When we attach to something or some one, we are trying to control it and the situation because we feel so out of control about it it-but that's the thing-you can't control love, and you can't control the person you're loving.  We have to learn to relinquish control and just go with it. If we are able to just go with it, and not attach ourselves to it in order to try and control it, then we can love freely and accept that whatever will be will be.  It will probably still hurt when it ends, but it wont break us as badly as that severed attachment does. We have to accept that nothing lasts forever, and a little bit of hurt lets us know that we're still alive. It lets us know we're a living, breathing, feeling thing-and it allows us to appreciate when we feel the good things in life.

No one is perfect.  Here I sit talking about how to love and not attach to things, when I fully admitted that I get attached.  I'm working on it, and it's a long and difficult process.  It's hard to train yourself to love a different way when the one way is all you've been doing for your entire life, but let's be honest-that way hasn't been working for me.  It has just left a lot of heartache and apprehension for the future.  I'd become afraid to love someone, because in my head loving someone was always this big painful process that ultimately led to me being alone and hurting.  It doesn't have to be like that, and I'm trying to learn that I can love openly and fully, and then if the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea if needs be.  There's something ultimately poetic about a goodbye that's as peaceful as the tide washing the sand away... Perhaps that's how it's supposed to be.

And If You Come Around Again-Then I Will Take The Chain From Off the Door

It's funny how fast things can change.  Sometimes I'm left spinning so quickly that I wonder why I even bother to get excited anymore.  I mean it was just last week's Musical Mondays post where I wrote about how excited I was to see where things were going with this new guy I've been seeing, and then it ended.  On Tuesday.  The very next day.

This guy and I had been seeing each other for only a few weeks, talking longer than that, but we had just clicked so well.  Everything was easy, comfortable, and fun when we were together.  He was hooked, I was hooked, and it looked like everything was primed for us to enjoy more time together for a while going forward at least.  Except it wasn't.  Sometimes the Universe throws a wall up on the path you're walking more suddenly than you expect-and you're left trying to decide which route to take around.

In this case the monkey wrench happens to be a giant mess involving other parties and previous feelings with a touch of guilt.  Not on my part, of course, I burn bridges for this exact reason-so I don't get sucked back into messy situations like that.  However, not everyone is like me, and sometimes I have to pull out my compassion and remember that everyone experiences and handles things differently.

All I know is that this mess really has nothing to do with me.  I was an unexpected bystander in the whole thing, but I want no part of it.  I mean, I want him-I want him quite a bit, but at this current point in the process I can't have him.  He's entangled in a whole pile of baggage that he has to sort out for himself before he can invite another person to share any of his time.

We've talked it out quite a bit to determine where we stand.  He honestly has no idea where he stands.  So that leaves me having to make a choice on my position.  I'm open to us giving this another shot if he can get it together and make a decision that moves him back in that direction, but I can't wait for it.  I will not be that girl who is waiting around hoping the guy decides he wants her and comes back.

Yes, it sucks.  Yes, I'm disappointed and thoroughly bummed about the whole thing because I really did want more time to see where this goes.  However, I told myself I could have through Monday to grieve it, and today I'm picking myself up by the bra straps and moving forward.  I have to live my life as if it's over, so I'm not hoping or waiting for something that may never happen, but that doesn't mean I can't reopen the door in the future if the opportunity arises.

So if he comes around again-and I'm still unattached and feeling it-then I will take the chain from off the door.

This week's song:

The Chain

by Ingrid Michaelson

The sky looks pissed, the wind talks back

My bones are shifting in my skin, and you my love are gone

My room feels wrong, the bed wont fit

I can not seem to operate, and you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels and promise not to promise anymore

And if you come around again, then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say that I'll never love

Oh but I don't say a lot of things, and you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels and promise not to promise anymore

And if you come around again, then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

(Repeat in round)

And if you come around again

Then I will take, then I will take, then I will take

The chain from off the door

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com/search/label/Musical%20Mondays" target="blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtV_QpFuWBTwQpTCc7Em7jiVq3BuJNTezvriGP4loOKnoXMiFwZDw6ALEWjpQEnPKkrCx8OiyOvKnv2NLAUTGqO4Hn9gOlsd4Nor5UZo-V1r7oJmiivpnKAyRwYwT5eXlui8JBFkybxUJN/s1600/MMNewButton.jpg" alt="Musical Mondays at My So-Called Chaos></a>

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where you can share songs or other music-related posts each Monday and link up with the linky.  Then you can enter the monthly giveaway and visit the other music posts linked up. To join us:

• Write a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
• Include the Musical Mondays button (code below) and/or a link back.
• Link-up in the linky below.
• Visit other Musical Monday links in the linky.
• Enter the Giveaway below.

This month's giveaway is going to be a book, about music, because I decided to combine to things I love-books and Musical Mondays!  So you can enter to win a copy of Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield.  Giveaway is open Worldwide and ends on July 1st at 12AM.  Entering below agrees to all terms and conditions within the Rafflecopter.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Musical Mondays: Unapologetic B**** & Why Some Bridges Should Burn

They talk about different stages of grieving even pertaining to relationships, and in my personal experience I've found that to be very true, though in different ways each time.  The five stages of loss/grief are as follows-and I've related them to a breakup instead of a death:

1. Denial.  "I can't believe it's all over.  It can't be.  How could he/she/they do that to me?"
2. Anger. "What a stupid a**hole. What gives him/her/them the right to treat me like that?"
3. Bargaining. "Maybe if I just text them something nice they'll see they want me and take it back."
4. Depression.  "It's really over.  I'll never find real love."
5. Acceptance. "You know, it really wasn't working out. Time to move on and find someone better."

Sometimes you can jump around and go back and forth between different stages, and sometimes you can spend a lot longer in one stage than an other.  These days, I mostly skip denial-I'm so used to breakups that I just kind of jump right into Anger.  I don't spend a lot of time in bargaining for that same reason-it doesn't do any good-so while I generally touch on those still I mostly go right into Anger, Depression, and Acceptance-and I'm okay with this.

I think it's definitely healthier to stay a little mad.  No, you definitely shouldn't hold onto the anger that hurts you, the kind that eats away at you should be let go of, but you do need to hold onto the memory of why you were angry.  This came up in my feed on Facebook the other day:

When I was in my early twenties I used to think you could be friends with all of your exes (except my one stalker, but that's another story for another day.)  It wasn't until my mid to late twenties that I started realizing that being friends with exes generally is a bad idea.  Sure, sometimes it works out fine-but those are the exceptions and not the rules.  

When you love someone, real honest-to-goodness love, you never truly and completely stop loving them.  You love them less, you move on and love someone more, but there's always a small part of you that remembers why you loved them-and that part of you can so often easily be fooled if they're part of your life, and that makes it hard to every fully and truly move on.  I've given more second chances than I'm proud to admit to, and they always end the same-with a strong reminder of why the relationship failed the first time, and why I should have burnt that bridge before it could be crossed again and instead end up burning me. Twice.

So I agree.  Some bridges should just be burned, and sometimes you just have to be an unapologetic b*tch about it.

This week's song:

Unapologetic B*tch

by Madonna

Note: This song is explicit so if you don't like that please skip listening or reading the lyrics below.

Musical Mondays: Tightrope

Walking away from someone you love, even knowing they don't love you back in the same way, is made even more difficult by knowing how hard it is to find anything good out there.  Dating is a rough venture, and giving your heart out to someone is never an easy task.  So when you do give your heart out, whether you intended to at that point or not, it's no light thing.  It's a rough task, and doing it requires a lot of bravery that can take a lot to build up.  So giving it out again after you've already given it out once can feel damn near impossible.

That's why I chose the song Tightrope by Kelly Clarkson for this week's Musical Monday song.  When I heard this song on the new album Piece by Piece (which is my current obsession-I've been listening to it over and over again in the car) I cried.  It hit home.  Especially when she says "'Cause I've looked, and I ain't seen nothing like you the way you light up every room..." and it's true.  Especially when you've been out there a long time and you've spent a lot of your life looking for someone special... It's hard to think you'll ever find someone like them, or someone that feels that special to you... Especially when no one before has felt quite like that before.

But then she goes on to say "And I have moved mountains babe just to stumble into your good grace and I, I still can't compete..." and you have to remember all the work you've put into it without it matching.  All the time you spent giving and traveling and working towards it without actually making much of a difference for the other person.  Without actually making them want to do the same for you back.  That's when you have to look at it and weigh the benefits vs. the cost it takes on your heart.  Yes, it'll hurt to walk away, but is it going to hurt as much or more if you stay and keep trying and never getting anywhere?  You have to decide which is worse, and what will be better for you and your heart in the long run.

Here, have a listen:

This week's song:

Tightrope

by Kelly Clarkson

I'm on the tightrope, you've got your reasons

When did it get so hard to breathe?

Out in the spotlight I'm feeling so tired

Your hands are burnt from holding me

And maybe you and I will fall in time eventually

Maybe we'll both die trying but I can't bring myself to leave

'Cause I've looked

And I ain't seen nothing like you

The way you light up every room tonight, so easily

And I have moved mountains babe just to stumble into you good grace

And I, I still can't compete

You're on the tightrope, I've got my reasons

How did we get so tangled?

You turn, I stay straight-I bandage, you break

We're so messed up but I know

That you and I will fall in time eventually

Or maybe we'll both die trying

And I ain't seen nothing like you

The way you light up every room tonight, so easily

And I have moved mountains babe just to stumble into you good grace

And I, I still can't compete

Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh

Oh you and I will fall in time eventually

Or maybe we'll both die trying

And I ain't seen nothing like you

The way you light up every room tonight, so easily

And I have moved mountains babe just to stumble into you good grace

And I, I still can't compete

See?  Doesn't that song just show you the emotion that comes with making a decision like that?  She talks about how hard she keeps waiting for it to just "fall in time eventually" or how they might just "both die trying."  

That's how it feels.  Waiting for someone to love you back as much as you love them, even if maybe you "weren't supposed to" fall in love with them in the first place, can really feel like this.  You're always just hoping that one day they'll ask you to be with them.  Hoping beyond home that they'll change their mind about wanting something real and just ask-because they love you.  They always loved you.

But that's a pipe dream.  We have to learn to take people at their word.  If they told us right from the beginning that they didn't want it to ever become something serious; well then we need to believe them.  I don't know why so many of us think we can go into something like that and not get attached, or why once we are attached we don't believe that they meant what they said originally, because they did.  They meant every word.  We're the ones that tried to change the bargain, and it's on us to remember that we may be the ones that have to make the decision to walk away, no matter how much we love that person.  

And maybe that person does love us back, but loving us back doesn't mean they have changed-or will ever change-their minds about what they want.  It also doesn't mean that they love us back in the way we want them to.  So there comes a time when we have to accept that, give the dream we thought we had for that love one last embrace, and then move on with our lives.  I think that we can only start moving on once we've accepted what we feel and that it won't be what we need.  Then the process can start and we an start working towards finding what we deserve-even if it's with someone else.

Cheater McCheaterson

It's been a while since I shared a good horror story from my dating life with you.  Why's that?  Partly because I think I've distanced myself ever so-slightly from getting too personal here on the blog.  I'm not sure why-but that's going to change pretty quick here.  I miss getting personal.  I miss sharing bits of my heart with you all.  Also, I think part of it is likely that I've been breaking from the dating world-though it always feels like I'm breaking from it.  The older I get the longer it takes for me to bounce back-or to care enough to try and bounce back.

I'm going to tell you the story of a liar.  This story is a good few months old at this point, but still good for a laugh.  What shall I call him?  I think we'll nickname him "Dodgy" since he was not only dodgy (as in fake as hell) but he was also British, and it's a nice UK term meaning "something shady."  He certainly was shady...

Let's go back a few weeks before it all went down.  I started getting lots of random comments and flirty messages on Facebook from this guy I used to know.  He was my manager at work years ago, and we hadn't talked or known each other outside of Facebook since late 2008.  All of the sudden I start getting "suggestive" comments and messages from him.  I knew almost instantly what he was doing by trying to hit on me without sucking it up and actually asking me out, and since I don't go for that underhanded chicken way of doing things-I just let it go.  I played dumb.  I dodged his comments.

Eventually I actually did engage him in conversation and we started catching up on previous gossip from the old days, and eventually he did tell me he wanted to take me to dinner.  He said he'd been living apart from his wife for a while and they'd decided to get a divorce.  He followed that up with a very shmoozy rendition of "I've always had a thing for you but couldn't act on it until now" flattery.  Seeing as I've been on the outs with dating, I avoided giving in for a while, but I finally relented and gave him my number.  

We started texting back and forth all day long.  It was actually kind of fun to get caught up in the anticipation of the next text, and the flirting, and playing a little coy when questions of a much too personal nature were asked.  After a lot of talking he asked the inevitable "Why are you still single?  You seem so perfect!" question that we always dread.  My answer?  I make bad choices when it comes to men.  He assured me that he was not a bad choice.

Somewhere along the way he deleted me on Facebook.  Which I thought was weird, so I called him out on it and he said he'd thought I had deleted him.  We decided that it must have been an accidental deletion during some drunk texting.  It seemed weird, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  

After thousands of texts and over a week of flirting back and forth, I let him know I'd be in his area on Saturday and Sunday night.  Saturday was girl's night at my friends' house, but Sunday I was free to get dinner and catch up in person.  He was all gung-ho for it and told me he'd text me the next day to let me know what time he was free, as he was picking up his kids for the afternoon earlier but wanted to get together after he took them home.

I never heard from him again.  He blocked me fully on Facebook and then never texted me again.  So I looked up his ex-wive's Facebook page and it turns out that she had just posted some family photos in July.  Family photos where he was standing there smiling next to his wife and two kids-indicitive of the fact that he had not been separated for "many months" as he had told me.  In fact, I doubt he was separated at all.  It hit me that he was probably trying to trick me into cheating on his wife with me, and that he lost his nerve and chickened out.

What a horrible human being.  His poor wife deserves something much better.  So I leave him this...

What about you?  Ever had someone try something like this with you?

Musical Mondays: The Fade Away

No matter whether you're the one making the call, or you're the one living with another's decision on the matter, ending a relationship is never easy.  If it's not working out for one person, or both, someone has to be the one to call it quits-whether they want to or not.  Most of us have been on both ends of the experience, and neither one of them is particularly enjoyable.

When I think about it, I can't honestly say whether I have more experience dumping or being dumped, but I can say with certainty that the majority of what I remember is the latter.  The memories I can call to mind quickly make me think I've been on the receiving end of bad news more often than the giving, but if I really stop and think about it in terms of "the fade away" I can't honestly say one way or another.  

What's the fade away?  Well it's basically ending it like a coward... You just kind of let the relationship fizzle out and, as it states, fade away.  Usually one person is more into it than the other, and the one that's not just kind of keeps blowing them off until they get the hint.  It's not usually something that happens when two people have been in a serious relationship, but more so when it's just been a couple of dates and one or the other just isn't feeling it.

Remembering those times when I've been interested and then just never heard back from the person I was trying to date, it sucks.  I remember calling them jerks and wondering why they couldn't just "man up" (that's a sexist term-but fitting in this description) and tell me it was over.  Then I'd go on with my life, whether grieving the lost opportunity or laughing it off, and move on.

I never really considered the fact that I'd been that jerk a few times myself until recently when it was pointed out to me.  In October I went on a date with a guy who was nice, but also kind of weird... He was jittery, and he made paying this whole ordeal.  I didn't mind paying for myself, but when they accidentally put both our coffees on one check he acted like he'd have to go out to his car to dig pennies out of the cup holders if I couldn't convince them to split it.  Then he wanted to go on a second date to which he invited me, and when he picked an expensive type of food to go out for, he decided he wanted to go dutch instead of taking me as he'd orginally offered.  Really, not a big deal, but it was enough of a hassle and I hadn't really been that into him to begin with, that I just kind of stopped responding.  I did the fade away.  Which is when Kristina pointed this song out to me: 

This week's song: 

The Fade Away

by Garfunkel and Oates

Note: There are some adult lyrics so listen/read on at your own discretion.

Now That I Am Clean I'm Never Gonna Risk It {Musical Mondays}

Many of you may remember an ex of mine who I've nicknamed Sneeze on this blog.  Sneeze and I met a long time ago via Yahoo messenger.  I was just getting my hopes crushed by yet another in a long line of guys that did (and would) stand me up or disappear after we'd been intimate, and he was hopped up on Ambien and decided to shoot me a message and ask me out.  This was probably about eight or nine years ago... At first I was put off-I mean who meets a guy who's badgering you over instant messenger?  But he was persistent, and we scheduled a date.

That date just so happened to date number three in a week of four dates.  The other three included the guy I'd originally been crying over when Sneeze messaged me originally, a guy who made me cry on the first date and was a total jerk who played mind games, and a nice guy who was very into me but I just wasn't into him at all.  I still remember my first date with Sneeze, and somehow he's the only one I really kept in touch with out of that week.  For our date we met at my work, a bowling alley, and he brought me a bag a cough drops since I'd almost backed out of the date because I was sick.  We bowled, we had a few beers, and when he left we had a friendly hug but otherwise he made no moves on me.

I don't remember exactly how he was the only one I stayed in long-term contact with out of all those dates, mostly because I'd thought "he's nice, but I don't know if I feel anything for him", but we very quickly became inseparable.  He was just getting out of a messy divorce and getting custody worked out for his two and three year olds, and we just about became insta-family.  We were spending a lot of time at his house, taking the kids to the zoo, and throwing parties.  When I moved back in with my grandmother, he moved to an apartment nearby so we could stay close.  I loved him, and I loved his kids like they were my own.

I Deleted All Online Dating Profiles {Musical Mondays & Giveaways}

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was thinking about deleting my dating profiles, and I followed through on that just less than a few days after that post when live.  I logged into Plenty of Fish, deleted.  It's partner site EVOW?  Deleted immediately after... When it came to OKCupid, a site/profile I've had for nearly 8 years and which I had a paid subscription to, I hesitated.  I'd met lots of great people through OKCupid.  It was pretty much the only site I'd had any kind of luck on, and while nothing lasting has occurred from it-I'd made some good friends along the way.  Deleting that profile, well, that made it real.  That made my online dating search over.  A final concession that I was no longer going to be using that method, the only method I honestly know of, to meet potential love interests.

Was I giving up on myself entirely by deleting it?  Was I conceding to a life of cats and celibacy if I clicked the little delete button in the settings?  It's almost painful to think about when you're someone who is very into sex and relationships in dating.  In today's society, a society centered around the web, what other ways are there to find and meet new people to date?  All I do is work and go to school, and work is definitely out for dating (had that backfire more than once) and none of my classes are particularly social-except French, which is all girls and one guy-who likes guys also.  

However, when it came down to it I hit that delete button with only a cringe as a side affect.  Removing eight years of dating history from the web.  Removing any online dating possibilities.  Why? Because I couldn't do it anymore.

Logging in and checking emails had become something I procrastinated so long, that while I received quite a few emails, they'd all but given up on me by the time I forced myself to respond.  The idea of going out on a first date from the internet had become physically painful, and I found myself filled with anxiety over each one until I was actually on the dates, which I was ready to bail on about half way through.  My heart wasn't in it.  It had become something I forced myself to do in order to not be alone anymore-and it wasn't something I actually had any desire to do.  So why was I doing it?

Fear.  Fear of being alone forever.  Fear of never meeting the right person.  Fear of having to actually be social in real life and find new ways of meeting people.  Fear of change, since I'd been doing it for so many years... Friends, fear is no reason to force yourself to do things you don't want to-that's not a healthy way to live.  Remember my 2014 word of the year? Yeah, it was fearless.  I realized that by forcing myself to do online dating because I was afraid of ending up alone, I was just feeding the fear monster inside of me.  I was letting it win, and all I got in return was more fear. So I deleted it.

Can I honestly say it was the right decision?  For now it is.  Will I ever go back?  Maybe.  I've  told myself I'm going to give myself some time without it for now.  The goal is a year, but I'm not setting an exact amount of time because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, let alone in a year.  I'm just giving myself some time to focus on me and my weight loss journey, to try and be social and go out and meet people in real life, and to just breathe without those profiles looming over me for a while.  If at some point I feel like I can try online dating for the right reasons, none of which being fear, then I will.  We'll see what happens.  I've already had a few twinges of lonely-induced-wanting to go back, but I wont let that be my reason.  So maybe I'll try it again in just a few months, or maybe I won't ever go back... We'll see.

So that brings us to my Musical Mondays choice this week.  I got this song when it was an iTunes free single of the week, and I was glad I did.  It's one of those songs I just needed to hear, because this is where I am right now.  I'm done looking.  It'll happen if and when it happens.

This week's song:

Dear No One

by Tori Kelly

You Have to Want to Stop Being Alone. {Musical Mondays}

What is Musical Mondays?

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us.  Along with talking about music, I host a month-long music related giveaway. 

This week's song:

Would You Fight For My Love

by Jack White

And I Know Now, I Know You Were Wrong

I've owed you, my readers, this story for quite a long time.  It's been one I've kept pretty tight lipped about because there are situations and people that are close to me involved, and it's complicated.  As I type these first few sentences I'm still struggling with whether or not to post this on a forum so public as my blog.  But this is my space-a space where I'm supposed to speak my mind; this blog has seen me through so many joys and heartaches that stifling it all away seems unfair to this blog, to those of you who are reading, and to myself.   Censorship is not a thing I do if I can help it-I'm not going to edit myself out of fear. I want to be real here.

Last week I finally accepted that I had been used.  This was a fact those closest to me had been trying to convince me of for a while now.  How is it that your friends always know before you do? Yet, ever the optimistic, I spent a lot of time defending the actions of someone who was supposed to be my friend.  Friend...  That's the word he used after it was all said and done. He had a rough childhood.  He has trouble connecting.  He's just clueless. He doesn't mean to make me feel like this.  I didn't think there was any way he could have malicious intent because he was my friend...  I'm finally going to tell you about Frank.

Healing Wounds & the Scars That Remain

I've been thinking a lot about "being over" things.  Are you ever truly and 100% over anything?  

I'm not so sure... I think everything that happens to you leaves it's mark.  These marks could be as small as a freckle or as big as a six-inch scar... Or, in extreme circumstances, as painful and obvious as a missing limb.  

These marks also have the ability to change on a day-to-day basis.  One day you barely notice the scar-it's tiny and easily covered up with makeup and your daily routine.  You can go weeks or even months without noticing it or thinking about it-then BAM-you look in the mirror one day and wonder where all the blood came from.  That emotional blood-the kind that others can't always see even at those times you can see it all over yourself and you're frantically searching for the source of the bleeding to stop it, and then desperately trying to clean it off while praying it hasn't stained anything.

Sometimes I think about guys from my past.  Okay, sometimes may be the wrong word-we'll say often.  Especially ones that keep coming back like herpes-you can't quite get them out of your life because they're always there in one way or another.  You know the type, the ones that don't realize that exes should really just disappear and be dead to you.  They want to be friends.  They want to keep having something with you without giving you what you expected or wanted.  It doesn't work that way.

A lot of the time I find myself thinking "what is wrong with him?" when thinking about past them as they pop-up and try to play it cool like there is no history there.  Sometimes I get stuck stewing over their gall.  Who do they think they are?  How dare they think what happened doesn't matter!  Over and over and over again in my head.   This cycle repeats until one day, recently, I stopped and thought to myself "Wow, he's occupying way too much head space for someone you thought you were over... Why?"  Well, because it's possible that you are never truly over anything entirely, and trying to pretend you are can be so misleading.  You fool yourself into thinking you don't care about them any more, or that you don't hurt over the pain they caused anymore, and that can be damaging.  

Don't get me wrong, there's a good amount of "fake it til you make it" that I believe in, but not if you aren't also honoring your feelings.  Please, fake it til you make it-when you're out in public.  Don't break down crying every time you're out and about and see something that reminds you of them or freak out at a friend who tries to console you but doesn't really understand... But when you are alone with you-you need to honor what you're feeling.  You need to make peace with the fact that you feel that way before you can start working through it.  You need to work through it before you can move on.  Not "get over." Move on. Move forward.

So if you're reading this right now, and trying to ignore a nagging hurt in the back of your mind-don't.  Say hello to that hurt.  Embrace that hurt.  Make friends with it and start moving it over into the realm of healing so that it will stop popping up and destroying you for ignoring it.  I'm working on that now too, and we can do this together-a little love and a little friendship can go a long way in the healing process.

Olympic Ski Jumps, Dating Duds, & Word Art

I confess... I really enjoy these Flipagram year in review videos.  Here is a very quick glimpse at some top moments of 2013 for me:

 I confess... I had a fantastic after-Christmas party with my friends. It was so much fun!

I confess... I was sort of seeing this guy last week.  Yes, that's exactly how I'd put it.  We were talking all through Christmas and really hitting it off.  Then we met for coffee, did pretty well, so I went to watch movies and cuddle at his house the next day... We texted throughout my party on Saturday, and I woke up early Sunday morning for a surprise date with him (all he told me was dress warm).   He took me up to see the ski jumping qualifications for the Olympics, which was really cool! 

I confess... I even got to see Lindsey Van (one of the big names in the sport) qualify-here's one of her jumps!

I confess... I was just starting to really get into said guy who took me on said date when he pulled the disappearing act.  It was so out of the blue, and not in what seemed to be his character that I felt like I was just left spinning.  What the hell just happened?  How can someone who seemed previously so on suddenly just ignore me?  Jerk.  Seriously, I thought he was such a nice guy-but was sadly mistaken I guess.

I confess... They say the fastest way to get over someone is to get onto someone else.  Well, I'm just going to keep moving forward and leave the trash from 2013 in 2013.   

I confess... I finished up the gifts for Kristina and my godkids at the last minute before going up to spend NYE with them.  Here is what I made them:

I confess... I found these two photos on my phone from my Seattle trip-I don't think I'd ever shared them before, but look how cute:

What do you have to confess this week?
Linking up with:

What a Way To Be Loved {OCD Spoken Poetry}

"But how can it be a mistake that I don't have to touch her! Love is not a mistake!"

What a way to be loved.  I had to share this video because it was beautiful and and impressive.  In the video the guy is talking about his OCD and how he loves someone so much that his OCD doesn't matter.  The phrases above and below this paragraph seem so simple to us people without the disorder.  It's easy to think "I don't ever have to wash my hands, lock the door, or leave the lights on" but for someone with OCD to do those things it's a huge deal-and he talks about how he breaks down that disorder barrier for love. Beautiful. Someday someone will love me that much.

"I want her back so bad-I leave the door unlocked.  I leave the lights on."

Video originally found HERE on UpWorthy.

1000 Times {Musical Mondays & Giveaway}

What is Musical Mondays?

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us.  Along with talking about music, I host a month-long music related giveaway sponsored by wonderful people!  July is sponsored by Joanna Marie Art who is giving away a musical makeover for an old pair of shoes for you!  I'll explain more later in this post-let's get to the music.

This week's song:
1000 Times
by Sara Bareilles



Back of the room, lookin' at you
Counting the steps between us
A hundred and five little blades in a line from your skin to mine
And I feel it...
Eyes on the ground, but I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away-my secret...

In another life my teeth and tongue
Speak aloud what until now I've only sung

'Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind
I would come back a thousand times
You can make me wait forever
Push me away, and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind
I would come back a thousand times

(Hey Hey)

Kiss me goodnight like a good friend might
And I'll do the same, but wont mean it...
'Cause love is a cage,
These words on a page carry the pain
They don't free it...

In another life  I wouldn't need to
Console myself as I resign to release you

'Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind
I would come back a thousand times
You can make me wait forever
Push me away, and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind
I would come back a thousand times

Again, again I let it go, let it go
Cover my mouth don't let a single word slip out
Wouldn't wanna tell you no, tell you no
Nothing could be worse than the risk of losing what I don't have
I'm weaker by the minute though
Is it so bad if I wanna cry out?

I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry almost every time
But I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back a thousand times
Make me wait forever
Push me away, tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind
I would come back a thousand times
I would come back a thousand times
(Hey-yeah, hey yeah)

I would come back a thousand times

When a song hooks me emotionally I play it over and over until I have every single word memorized.  If it makes me cry, I keep it on constant repeat until I haven't any tears left to cry over it.  It's my process.  I figure if there's something in that song my heart is reacting to then I'd better work through it. It's catharsis.  Most of the time I end up analyzing how I'm feeling about the lyrics, or  the line, that set me off on that emotional tangent, and then I think about why I'm reacting to the song and let it work through my head until I have the situation figured out enough to make sense of it.  Of course, then I share it with you-my amazing readers and friends who often sympathize, relate, or at least care to know.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this here on the blog before (probably not since he can read it-whether he does not I don't know-I don't ask) but a part of me really loves Mr.Bingo. We met in October and something clicked, which happens so rarely these days that I relish when it does.  He was honest with me from the start, and then I got caught up in the time we spent together-I really enjoyed time with him.  Then I visited and had an amazing escape in November, and in December I asked him if it was going anywhere.  He said no.

Since then we've talked on and off and seen each other a few times.  The last time I was there I caught myself in the game, acknowledging that I was playing pretend-and I accepted that.  There was a moment when I was with him and I simultaneously thought "I love this guy" and "I need to go home and meet someone that will love me back."  It was eye-opening because I don't think I've ever felt like that about anyone.  It was healthier.

To be able to feel love for someone and not expect anything in return has been a good experience for me.  There have been ups and downs-moments where I got lost in the emotion and felt sad or longing and there have been moments where I didn't feel or think much of it at all.  It's those moments when I'm wishing for more that I find interesting, because instead of feeling sad about it I have more often than not turned around and said to myself "It's ok, there'll be another" or "In time you'll meet someone new, and you'll move on" and I'm impressed with my ability to understand that it's not the end of the line just because one relationship is fated to end.  Brilliant.

This song made me think of him, but all the while I was repeating it and singing loudly along with it in the car I knew in the back of my mind-she says a thousand times, and while she may say "make me wait forever" she always says "I would come back a thousand times" which is a definite number.  It's not infinity.  You come back as many times as you need to, be it three or a thousand, and then you move forward.   I don't know when it will end, just that it probably will, and that I will always have a special place in my heart for this lesson I have learned and the teacher who honestly taught me.

What are you listening to this week?
I'm in Seattle still, but as soon as I'm back I'll be by to check it out!
Please make sure you grab the button or link back if you're linking up.

<center> <p style="text-align: center;"> <a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com/search/label/Musical%20Mondays"><img src="http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww257/agofish/For%20Blog/MusicalMondaysJULYbutton_zps29932d28.jpg" alt="Musical Mondays"></a></center> </center> </div> <br /> <center> <img alt="xoxo Miss Angie" src="http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww257/agofish/For%20Blog/MSCC%20Buttons/MissAngieSignature_zpsf7b0c664.png" /><br /> </center>

Now for the giveaway:

Joanna Marie Art is giving away a musical makeover for an old pair of your shoes! You'll mail her an old pair of shoes (heels recommended, but not required-though you may have to work out with her if they're something too far off) and she'll give them a sheet music makeover like her cute heels shown in this post!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Giveaway is open to US & Canada only.  Entries will be verified.

You will have to ship your heels to Joanna in the US.  See rafflecopter for full terms and conditions.