My Heart Lives In My Vagina - Or Why Attachment Does NOT Equal Love

I still remember this episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Okay, I remember all of the episodes because it's my comfort show and I may or may not have watched most of the seasons like five eleven times.  When the "Perfect Little Accident"episode (season 6, episode 16) aired Kristina immediately turned to me and said "THAT'S YOU!"  And I just blinked at her.  I couldn't deny it then, and I definitely can't deny it now.  For those of you who haven't seen the show, the little sister character (Lexi) is planning to sleep with a mutual friend of theirs (again), and the big sister (Meredith) warns her not to because she'll get attached.

One night stands don't work for me.  Sleeping together without having feelings for each other doesn't work for me.  This is something that time and a lot of experience with the matter have taught me.  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to convince myself otherwise because I was thinking with my hormones and not with my head, only to have another lesson-induced smack down from the Universe saying "You can't do this."

Why don't they work for me?  I get attached.  It's just something that happens, and I've come to accept that about myself.  My heart does live in my vagina, and chances are if I choose to be intimate with someone like that I already have feelings for them-feelings that can only be intensified after being so close and releasing all of those love-like chemicals into the brain.  You see sex, or most physical contact, releases all sorts of hormones and makes your Dopamine skyrocket.  This is much like a reaction to a drug or any other addictive substance, and that is why when it goes away we crash so hard.  They're love withdrawals, and I get them bad.

I've spent a lot of my life fighting this fact. It seems to me that it would be much easier if I could just satisfy any physical need I want without wanting anything more than that from people. However, I've come to realize that feeling something for people isn't a bad thing.  How can it be wrong to love with all you have?  It's not.  I'd rather fall for every person I'm intimate with and get hurt than be numb or unfeeling.  I honestly believe we should go out there and love anything and everything we have.  We should love the people who love us, and we should love the people who don't.  There's far too much else in this world, a little extra love isn't a bad thing.  Spread it around freely.

The problem comes with the attachment. To be attached to something means we're placing the power of our happiness or love on the condition that the thing we're attached to will always be there.  When we get attached to something we forget that nothing is permanent, and that the only thing we can control is our own actions and reactions.  That thing we're attaching our hopes and dreams to could be gone in an instant, and when it goes we're going to hurt-a lot.

Attachment does not equal love.  When we attach to something or some one, we are trying to control it and the situation because we feel so out of control about it it-but that's the thing-you can't control love, and you can't control the person you're loving.  We have to learn to relinquish control and just go with it. If we are able to just go with it, and not attach ourselves to it in order to try and control it, then we can love freely and accept that whatever will be will be.  It will probably still hurt when it ends, but it wont break us as badly as that severed attachment does. We have to accept that nothing lasts forever, and a little bit of hurt lets us know that we're still alive. It lets us know we're a living, breathing, feeling thing-and it allows us to appreciate when we feel the good things in life.

No one is perfect.  Here I sit talking about how to love and not attach to things, when I fully admitted that I get attached.  I'm working on it, and it's a long and difficult process.  It's hard to train yourself to love a different way when the one way is all you've been doing for your entire life, but let's be honest-that way hasn't been working for me.  It has just left a lot of heartache and apprehension for the future.  I'd become afraid to love someone, because in my head loving someone was always this big painful process that ultimately led to me being alone and hurting.  It doesn't have to be like that, and I'm trying to learn that I can love openly and fully, and then if the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea if needs be.  There's something ultimately poetic about a goodbye that's as peaceful as the tide washing the sand away... Perhaps that's how it's supposed to be.

I Deleted All Online Dating Profiles {Musical Mondays & Giveaways}

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was thinking about deleting my dating profiles, and I followed through on that just less than a few days after that post when live.  I logged into Plenty of Fish, deleted.  It's partner site EVOW?  Deleted immediately after... When it came to OKCupid, a site/profile I've had for nearly 8 years and which I had a paid subscription to, I hesitated.  I'd met lots of great people through OKCupid.  It was pretty much the only site I'd had any kind of luck on, and while nothing lasting has occurred from it-I'd made some good friends along the way.  Deleting that profile, well, that made it real.  That made my online dating search over.  A final concession that I was no longer going to be using that method, the only method I honestly know of, to meet potential love interests.

Was I giving up on myself entirely by deleting it?  Was I conceding to a life of cats and celibacy if I clicked the little delete button in the settings?  It's almost painful to think about when you're someone who is very into sex and relationships in dating.  In today's society, a society centered around the web, what other ways are there to find and meet new people to date?  All I do is work and go to school, and work is definitely out for dating (had that backfire more than once) and none of my classes are particularly social-except French, which is all girls and one guy-who likes guys also.  

However, when it came down to it I hit that delete button with only a cringe as a side affect.  Removing eight years of dating history from the web.  Removing any online dating possibilities.  Why? Because I couldn't do it anymore.

Logging in and checking emails had become something I procrastinated so long, that while I received quite a few emails, they'd all but given up on me by the time I forced myself to respond.  The idea of going out on a first date from the internet had become physically painful, and I found myself filled with anxiety over each one until I was actually on the dates, which I was ready to bail on about half way through.  My heart wasn't in it.  It had become something I forced myself to do in order to not be alone anymore-and it wasn't something I actually had any desire to do.  So why was I doing it?

Fear.  Fear of being alone forever.  Fear of never meeting the right person.  Fear of having to actually be social in real life and find new ways of meeting people.  Fear of change, since I'd been doing it for so many years... Friends, fear is no reason to force yourself to do things you don't want to-that's not a healthy way to live.  Remember my 2014 word of the year? Yeah, it was fearless.  I realized that by forcing myself to do online dating because I was afraid of ending up alone, I was just feeding the fear monster inside of me.  I was letting it win, and all I got in return was more fear. So I deleted it.

Can I honestly say it was the right decision?  For now it is.  Will I ever go back?  Maybe.  I've  told myself I'm going to give myself some time without it for now.  The goal is a year, but I'm not setting an exact amount of time because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, let alone in a year.  I'm just giving myself some time to focus on me and my weight loss journey, to try and be social and go out and meet people in real life, and to just breathe without those profiles looming over me for a while.  If at some point I feel like I can try online dating for the right reasons, none of which being fear, then I will.  We'll see what happens.  I've already had a few twinges of lonely-induced-wanting to go back, but I wont let that be my reason.  So maybe I'll try it again in just a few months, or maybe I won't ever go back... We'll see.

So that brings us to my Musical Mondays choice this week.  I got this song when it was an iTunes free single of the week, and I was glad I did.  It's one of those songs I just needed to hear, because this is where I am right now.  I'm done looking.  It'll happen if and when it happens.

This week's song:

Dear No One

by Tori Kelly

Chandelier: Why We Can't Cover Our Problems with Pills & Alcohol {Musical Mondays & Giveaway}

What is Musical Mondays?

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us.  Along with talking about music, I host a (usually) month-long music giveaway. 

This week's song:

Chandelier 
by Sia

+ cover by Sarah Bareilles

10 Practical Tips for Lowering Stress at Work

If you're human-things bug you.  If you're anything like me, nearly everything bugs you-sometimes even to the point of total overload.  That level of stress is not good for you, and it's certainly not good for your interactions with other people-specifically if those people are the ones who are bugging you.  I could try and be zen and tell you "just ignore it" or "water off a duck's back" but let's be real-how often does that really comfort you when you're trying not to snap?    So instead, I've come up with some practical tips to try and cut down on the stress in your life.

1. If you work in a place where you can, wear headphones at work.  This will cut down on the amount of sound annoyance you receive while working.  For example, you wont be distracted by those coworkers that never stop chatting, the guy on the other side of your cubicle who burps and farts all day, or those coworkers who just don't understand that you silence your cell phone in an office.

2. Stay out of the passing lane.  Nothing is more stressful than being in the passing/fast lane and some a-hole is going 5 miles under and holding up the line.  It's a fact that there are too many people out there that don't understand how the passing lane works-and it just causes stress for those of us that do.  But why do we always have to be in such a rush?  If we just kept to the right, went the speed limit, and put some music on we'd save ourselves a lot of trouble.  (Just ask my roommie, he gets 60+mpg staying at 60-65mph and doesn't have to stress about passing people.)

3. Leave your desk for breaks and lunch.  That's exactly what breaks and lunch are for-to get away from the stuff you do and stress over all day.  There are times I stay at my desk working on stuff over my lunch break and those are the days I go home feeling more beaten down than ever.  Give your brain a break and go talk to a coworker, take a walk, or at least get outside for some non-fluorescent lighting.

4. Don't skip lunch.  Skipping eating is not only not healthy for your body, but it also can cause stress binging later.  Avoid the overeating by eating regularly.

5.  Keep healthy snacks on hand, and a little bit of chocolate.  We all know what hangry (hungry+angry) is, and we've all seen the commercials saying "You're being a cow, have a Snicker's bar" (well, or something similar) so keep a little healthy snack on hand, something like nuts or fruit (protein without the sugar crash) will keep you happier longer and lower the stress levels.  Oh and having a little chocolate (dark chocolate is even good for you in small amounts) on hand for those mood-swing days is a lifesaver!

6. Drink lots of Water.  Dehydration stresses your body out, and if you're body is stressed-all of you is stressed.  It's hard to remember, but hydrate hydrate hydrate!

7. Kill 'em with kindness, a.k.a. be nice to people even if they aren't nice.  You'll feel better, I promise-if not for just being nice, for showing them up by being super sweet even if they were a raging beeyotch.

8. Log off of Facebook.  We all know that Facebook is a perpetual drama machine.  Even if you don't have friends stirring up trouble there's always a minefield of stress on Facebook-friends going and doing something without inviting you (hello, feeling left out is stressful), people posting political rants they haven't researched at all (I hate when something political happens, because I realize I hate like half of the people I'm friends with on Facebook), passive aggressive status attacks, inviting you to play Candy Crush eight-million-and-one times, etc.  I'm not saying forsake Facebook forever, just take a freaking break from it.

9. Unplug.  We're too attached to technology in general.  Turn off your phone and read a book or escape to the mountains where there is no cell phone coverage for a little while-even an hour helps (though I recommend an entire weekend for de-stressing).  Cellular devices are causing so much more stress now that we're all attached to them like a lifeline.

10. If all else fails, do something silly.  Stand up and dance like a fool at your desk or read Damn You AutoCorrect (I've banned myself from reading that at work because I absolutely can not control my laughter, it's ridiculous!).  A little laughter or some movement can really take the edge off.

What do you do to relieve stress throughout the day?

Hurt People Hurt People

I don't think I know a single person that hasn't been lashed out by someone and not understood why.  On that same note, I'm not sure I know a single person that has never lashed out at someone for no obvious reason.  Everyone does it.  I have done it more times than I am proud of.  In turn I've far too often been the brunt of it from others as well.

Recently, I caught myself doing just this-in a moment of rejection I cracked a joke at a friend which instead of being funny, came off sounding really mean.  Almost instantly after I said it, I realized what I'd done and felt horrible.  Even now, days later I feel sad that I hurt a friend because of something that didn't even have anything to do with him.  He forgave me, but my heart still hurts to think I may have caused someone I love pain.

Hurt people hurt people.  It really is as simple as that.  People who are hurting lash out at other people who are hurting, and if you're the one being lashed out at-there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.  You can choose to take in that anger and lash out at other people in return, lash out back at the person lashing out at you; or you can choose to rise above and react to that person with compassion and understanding.

That doesn't mean you have to take it-no one deserves to be abused.  You are allowed to walk away.  You are allowed to stick up for yourself.  It's not worth starting an argument over, but you're allowed to say "I love you, I understand that you are hurting, but I cannot allow it to hurt me in return-so I'm going to walk away and we can talk about it later when we have both calmed down."

"Those who hurt us are usually hurting themselves, and their pain may be so strong that they are not even aware they are hurting us." - Joyce Meyers

But what if you find that you are the person hurting so bad that you catch yourself lashing out at the people you love?  What can you do to help prevent these things from happening?  Here are some ideas:

Allow yourself to feel your pain.

Often times when you find yourself lashing out at others, it's because you're fighting against your natural feelings of hurt and pain.  You're bottling it up so tight that it's like a carbonated beverage that has been shaken one too many times and is about to burst-little bits are spraying out from the cap that's not quite on tight enough.

We've been brought up in a society of people who are taught that we're not supposed to express our feelings-which just doesn't work.  Your body/mind/soul are telling you that you feel that way for a reason and the only way to get through it is to acknowledge it and let yourself feel it.  Let yourself be angry/sad/hurt/frustrated, etc.  The only way out is through. Just don't let that fill you up so full that you break apart and hurt the people around you.

Don't hold grudges.

Holding on to grudges really only hurts you.  The other person isn't necessarily hurt by it-they go on living their life while you are the one stuck dwelling on the things you feel they did.  You are the one that continues to hurt inside, hurt yourself further, and hurt those around you by lashing out.  In turn, forgive those who have lashed out at you-it's not worth ruining a friendship over just because a little anger burst through.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burnt." - Buddha

Always think before you speak.

Consider what is about to come out of your mouth before you let it slip past.  Always think about how it would make you feel.  If you still feel it needs to be said, perhaps the better option is waiting until you're not so hurt and angry to say it.  Sometimes it can be something not mean, or even as simple as a joke (as was my case), but your tone in that moment can turn it into something harsh and hurtful that sticks with that person you care about.

Accept that it happened, say sorry, and move on.

There will probably always be a time you slip up and lash out.  At that point, beating yourself up over it isn't going to help you or the person you hurt-so all you can do is take responsibility for your actions, apologize sincerely (because if they matter, you truly will be sorry) and keep moving forward.

Work towards healing.

Hurt people hurt people, however healed people heal people.  If you work on your issues and work towards healing (whether it's by simply accepting it and moving on, or seeing a therapist, etc.) you will then be able to go out into the world and spread that good energy that comes from you being healed.

I'll Be My Own Valentine

Well heh-hey there lovelies, and happy Valentine's Day.  Or V-Day.  Or Singles-Awareness-Day.

Personally I've spent most of the Valentine's holidays of my life single-it never seems to quite work out that I'm coupled up-or coupled up long enough-to celebrate it with anyone.  I've spent a great deal of these Singles-Awareness-Days entirely too bitter about that situation-but still having fun.  Usually watching horror movies and eating good food with friends and getting drunk, all the while complaining about how I'm still single-year in and year out.

But you know what?  I'm tired of being bitter.  So this is me trying to focus on the positive-and what better way than joining in Shelby's Single Ladies Link-Up and talking about 10 things I love about myself?  I'll be my own Valentine!

10 Things I Love About Myself

1. I love with everything I have.  This used to be something I hated about myself, because loving so hard and so fast is the easiest way to get your heart broken.  However now I realize that it also makes me unique-it makes everything I do genuine and it helps me feel alive.  I love feircely.
2. I bounce back quickly.  When you love with everything you have, heartbreak is inevitable, but luckily I just keep on loving and I'm never down for long.
3. My brain is like a sponge.  I remember things-things from years ago, and I'm able to regurgitate that information back and teach other people what I know as well.
4. I can't hold grudges very well.  Forgiveness is something I do nearly as easily as loving-for me to hold any kind of grudge for very long you really have to hurt someone I love-and it had to have been BIG.  Luckily that doesn't happen too often.
5. I don't give up easily.  Yeah I try and fail alot (i.e. weight loss attempts) but I always try again.
6. I'm an open book. I don't have many secrets of my own, and I share most of what I am with people.  I like that what you see is what you get with me, and that I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.
7. I tell the truth.  Honesty is important to me, and sometimes I am honest to the point of bluntness.  It's good though-you will always know how I feel and I hope others will be honest back.
8. I'm loyal to a fault.  The fault being that I'm often loyal to people who aren't loyal to me, but I'd rather be loyal than not-and at least I can never be deemed a cheater.
9. I am an artist.  I may not always be the best at my art, writing, or creating-but I love being an artist none-the-less.  It's wonderful to be able to express myself that way.
10. I hope.  No matter how many times I say "I'm done with love" or I try to convince myself that maybe some people aren't meant to find love-I always come back to hoping.  Hope is a wonderful thing that keeps me moving forward.

(P.S. I am having dinner with Rocky tonight, but I don't think he even thought about it being Valentine's day-and I don't know where we stand right now, so that's probably a good thing.  Maybe it will all work out between us (there's that hope I mentioned) or maybe it wont (realism) but either way I will know that I tried.)

I Believe

Thanks to Living in Yellow for hosting and starting this new link-up, and to Lattes & Love and Rockin' Mama for pointing it out to me!  I felt inspired, and had to join in the inspiration.  I'm too late for the link party, but wanted to share anyway.

I believe in being true to the real you deep down.

I believe that hooping is an amazing form of exercise and one of the best depression fixes.

I believe in Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

I believe in acting silly, whenever possible.

I believe in changing into my PJs the minute I get home, even if I have to change again to go out.

I believe in not wearing those PJs outside of the house.  Put on real clothing!

I believe in Death Stars.  Especially when shared.

I believe in getting pampered every once in a great while.

I believe in flip flops for as many months of the year as I can get away with.

I believe in documenting as many moments as possible.  You'll miss them when they're gone.

I believe in buying a new pair of shoes every now and then.

I believe in going barefoot whenever possible.

I believe in bug-eye sunglasses.  The bigger the better.

I believe in Cheese Momos and Sweet Chai tea from my favorite Tibetan Restaurant.

I believe in working hard, but playing harder.

I believe in group photos.

I believe in honesty.

I believe in more love than I can ever express.

I believe in Haunted Houses, as many as you can get to.

I believe in a cup of tea at the end of the day.

I believe that the best cure for a bad day is booze and good friends.

I believe in teaching children about the world around them.

I believe in funny hats.

I believe in HONEY BADGER DON'T CARE.  It's not my problem.

I believe in family.

Especially the family your make for yourself.

Chaotic and Filled with Wanderlust

I Am

I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust
I wonder when the time will come to move
I hear the elementals whisper "go! go!"
I see glitter-shaped sun spots on the horizon
I want to know what it feels like to fall
I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust

I pretend to be fine with these roots
I feel like I am part of so much more
I touch the hidden corners of my heart
I worry that they'll become eroded over time
I cry because I can't not cry at times like these
I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust

I understand the fine line between crazy and brilliant
I say those differences are a matter of perception
I dream sun-kissed mountain tops and far away places
I try to be everything I know I should be
I hope that I am enough
I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust

A House Full of Snakes

For being a person who is not afraid of snakes, and who even owns one, I often have nightmares about snakes.

via

Sometimes I have dreams that my apartment is filled with little tiny snakes like my Tess, and I am frantically trying to scoop them all up and put them in cages.  Other times one of the snakes follows me around like a dog, or I find him cut in half and growing another head like a worm.

The other night I dreamt that I bought a new house.  It was a duplex or a twin home, and my friends and I were hanging out in just one side of it, but we wanted to go into the other.  Upon entering the other side of the home, we quickly found that it was pretty battered, and full of very large snakes.  The snakes began jumping at us and we fled back to the safe/clean side of the home. In the clean side I started finding lots of little nice snakes again, and trying to put them all in the tank with my snake.

via

So what does it all mean? According to Dream Moods: "To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you."  A lot of sources say more simply that they stand for "change."

It seems logical to think that I would dream about snakes, or change rather, when dreaming about buying a new house. The fact that the one side scary snakes (a negative symbol), and the other side were nice snakes (a positive symbol), just reflects the duality of my situation.  On the one hand I'm very excited to be buying a house and have even started looking for options; on the other hand-I'm scared to death of it.

There's a lot of change coming my way this summer.  I find myself on the edge looking out into this great vast cavern of change coming and feeling two ways about it; first being, that I should enjoy every single day until that change because life will never be the same.  On the other hand I feel like that girl in the movies who's sitting with her back to the serial killer... You know he's coming for her, but the suspense waiting for what you know will arrive is so thick you find yourself hoping he'll just get it over with.  Weird.

Is it strange to be excited and scared to death of it all at the same time?  There is so much unknown out there right now.  For now, I guess I'll just keep dreaming of snakes and hoping for the best.

Grieving

"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 2

***

I've been thinking a lot about the five stages of grief (the Kübler-Ross model) lately, and how it affects both the people I know and myself.  I'm in a weird place.  I smile and go through the day like normal, but inside I feel like a can of carbonated emotions that has been shaken so many times it's about to pop and spray everywhere. The hardest part for me is that I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like this.  I shouldn't be having a hard time letting go, I should be able to just pick myself up and move on like I usually do.  It's just not happening.

***

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.  It isn't just death we have to grieve, it's life, it's loss, it's change."  

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 2

***

I've been watching a lot of my friends go through their grieving too, and contemplating how it works for each of us.  I have friends that have experienced deaths both tragic and natural within the past year, divorces that left them aching, and all around life altering change and acceptance of past events they've blocked out for too long already.  They hurt, and I hurt for them as well.  

I'm not very good at knowing what to do or say when they're hurting like that.  I think it's mostly because I don't even know how to handle my own grief.  Everyone reacts differently.  Some people want to be held and around people all the time, and I just want to pretend nothing is wrong until it gets too hard and then I want to shut myself away from the world and be left to it until I'm ready to talk.  Then when I need to talk, I want to process it and regurgitate everything I've been thinking out loud to someone until it actually makes sense to me.

I'm grieving, and I've been having a hard time understanding why exactly I'm grieving so hard.  Why can't I just accept that he's just another asshole ex and move on instead of torturing myself with the process?  I mean it's been years since we were actually in a relationship, the last few years we've just been friends.

This weekend I came to terms with why this has been so hard.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure he's the only one of my exes I've ever actually loved.  Which would make him my first love.  Which means he's stuck being the one I never really let go of completely.  Damn it.  I hate him.

I hate him for using me for as long as he needed me and then just dropping me when he decided he didn't any more, for stopping being my friend so he could sleep with my friend, for pulling me into his life and getting me attached to those children of his and then just shutting me out, for trying to turn my friends against me, for saying hateful things about a mutual friend when that friend needed love most, and for being everything I never thought he was.

Mostly I hate that I know the hate will fade.  I want to hang on to the anger, because angry is so much easier than sadness.  I'd rather hate him than miss him, because I really don't want anything to do with him ever again.  He's proven that he'll never be the person I thought he was.  The hardest part for me is the kids.  I miss them more than my heart can take.

 I've got some healing to do, and I'm not sure where to start.  I'll just keep moving forward and hoping that with a little love and support, the pain I feel will fade as I go.

***

"And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we've got to remember is that it can turn on a dime.  That's how you stay alive.  When it hurts so much you can't breath, that's how you survive.  By remembering that someday, somehow, impossibly, you wont feel this way.  It wont hurt so much.

Grief comes in it's own time for everyone, in it's own way.  So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.  The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can.  

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.  And always, every time, it takes your breath away."

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 2

If My Life Were a Movie

Prompt: "Your life is being turned into a movie...who will play your cast of characters?"

I thought this would be really fun! 

Playing Me: Melissa Mccarthy

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Click read more to see the rest of the cast!

Somebody That I Used To Know

This is my favorite song right now.

Now and then I think of when we were together

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

I told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

[[chorus]]

[But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

Guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know]

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something I had done

But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on 

somebody that you used to know

[[chorus]]

When do you decide that something is actually over?  How do you determine when it's time to let go of something that you've held onto so tightly and fought for over and over trying to make it work for so long?  Can exes ever actually be friends without it being weird?  I used to think so, but I think I may have been wrong all along.

Something always goes wrong.  There's always a certain kind of awkwardness between you, a tension that neither of you can ever quite let go of.  I fight that tension by joking about it.  Nothing is sacred.  Make fun of the things that feel awkward or make you sad, because then they become less-that's how I was taught.  That's how the world shaped me.  Make fun of it until it becomes a joke, and you can just laugh at it instead of feeling hurt.

Unfortunately that doesn't work for everyone and some people would rather just ignore any of the history you had together to avoid having to think about it or resolving it.  They swallow it down and pretend it never happened. Maybe those people aren't meant to be a part of your life. That reason you broke up in the first place, maybe it's the reason why you can't actually be friends later on either.

I held on for a very long time, because that's what friends do, and because there were kids involved. Kids I love more than I could possibly explain-kids that I loved like they were my own.  I held on because he was someone I cared about very much and who I enjoyed hanging out with.  Because despite the fact that I had loved him very much, he had always been a friend who I enjoyed -and that to me was more important than any intimate or romantic relationship we'd ever had.  

But it's over now.  We can't be friends.  All because of something I didn't actually do, and can't figure out why I'm getting all of the blame for it.  I wont go into details, I'm just saying that it's done.  But I think he was just looking for an excuse to burn the bridge.  So I'll let him burn his bridge if it makes him feel better and I'll walk away.  Change can be good, maybe this will work out to be better for me in the long run.

A Return to Dating

The course of a year can be both a very long and very short time.

When you first start off looking down the barrel of an entire year, dedicating yourself to that vast amount of time-it can seem like the finish line is nearly impossible to reach.  Yet once you're there and looking back on it, it's but the blink of an eye.

I took a year off of dating.  An entire year where I swore I wasn't going to date, I wasn't going to have sex, and instead take the time to focus on me.  The year started as an escape; it started as running away from the frustration and heartache that had been imposed on me from previous attempts at love.  Even though I knew I was hiding from the emotions and the self-inflicted pain of investing my heart where it didn't belong-I just kept telling myself I was doing this to heal and just be me.

Without even knowing it, this year transformed into exactly what I was trying to convince myself of.

Somewhere in the last few months my closest friends started "calling me out" on the fact that I had been telling myself lies and hiding from the world.  Though I met each situation with some amount of denial-their words begin to sink in.  It then took an apology for feeling bitter and some tears, but the weight of all those previous misgivings started to fall away.  I was released.

Suddenly I returned home with the desire to put myself out there again.  I was craving the human interaction I had denied myself for the last 365 days and I was going after it with zeal; no matter how scary or daunting the task may be.

However this time, it will be entirely different.  No more disrespecting myself, no more selling myself short or settling for less than I deserve.  This time I'm in it for something real and meaningful, and I will get what I set out for because I'm dedicated and because I love myself.

I love myself.  It has taken me a year to finally realize that no matter what I look like, which job I go to every day, what clothes I wear, who I'm friends with, where I live-or how many pounds I lose; I love myself enough to stop settling and start striving for more.  Loving myself means I am going to find someone who truly loves me too, just as much or more!

This is all made possible because, the course of a year can be both a very long and very short time.

Take Responsibility for YOUR Feelings

Looking back, I can't remember what it was that certain people did to me to make me dislike them, I only know that I do-because of the way they made me feel by whatever it was.  

For example: So-and-so made me feel small and unimportant; he whittled away at me with his cunning whit and sharp tongue. He told me I was a child, and then proceeded to scold me as if I were his.   Is it any wonder why my initial reaction when someone says his name, or mentions I'm going to have to be in the same room with him is resentment?  That my tone changes when I talk about him, filled with scorn-even when I don't particularly feel angry at him?

With that same logic, doesn't it stand to reason that certain ways I may have made people feel will forever haunt them about me? I don't think I've ever meant to hurt anyone in my life, it's not in my nature, but I'm completely sure there have been occasions when I have misspoken or done something accidentally which may have left a lasting scar on someone.  Made them feel a way I would not have wanted them to.

Well, that kind of sucks-to put it bluntly.  I guess it goes along with the same thought about first impressions being the lasting idea of someone... It's not often you get a second chance to leave an impression on someone who did not like you to begin with, however it's all-too-often that you leave a good first impression and then screw it up later on down the line-never to be repaired.

On the other hand, can you really blame anyone but yourself for how YOU feel?  So-and-so may have influenced it by saying hurtful things or beating me down with his words, but in the long run isn't it my decision to still let him influence my mood when he's around?  Isn't it my decision to be affected by something so stupid, and to still feel it even to this day?  So following that logic-if I accidentally hurt someone (no malicious intent required) isn't it on them how they feel?

My conclusion?

No, you should never intentionally try to hurt someone.

You should love madly and remind people how special they truly are to you.

However, no one is perfect.

You're going to unintentionally hurt people, it's part of being human.
There are occastions where you have to hurt someone, to save yourself.

Take responsibility for YOUR feelings.

Don't spend the rest of your life blaming someone else because you're sad.

If they hurt you, they're not worth the time it takes to think about it.

So if you keep thinking about it, it's your own fault.

I Was Labeled, but It Gets Better

Oh Mama Kat, you always know exactly which topics to pick to get us writing from the bottom of our souls and pulling from all of those memories we try so hard to repress.  I'm not sure whether I should hate you for it, or love you for forcing me to be a better person.  Forcing me to pour out my innermost pain right here in the blog.  Readers, if you want to link up with Writers Workshop, click HERE.

***

From an early age, I was a vibrant blonde-attention loving child.  I was normal sized at that point in my life.

Somewhere around the age of 8, I ballooned into a much larger-darker haired-less vibrant version of my younger self.  This earned me the label of "the fat kid."  A label I have been carrying with me my entire life.

(I'm on the left in the ugly denim dress.)

I was teased, I was picked on, and none of the boys liked me.  Between 4th and 6th grade, the elementary years, this didn't matter so much.  Kids would pick on me and I would retort with the phrase my dad had taught me to throw back at them.  "I may be fat, but you're ugly and at least I can lose weight!" It got me by.  I was smart, I had a lot of friends who really liked me, and my teachers seemed to adore me when I wasn't tagging along with the bad girls in school.

I was used to being chunkier, and it didn't seem so wrong at that point.  My grandmother's were soft and warm to snuggle into, and my mother was large AND the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my entire life (she still is the most beautiful, by the way) so what was so wrong with being big?  Everyone always told me how pretty my mother was, and if she could be big and pretty, I could too-right?

(Mom's on the left, holding my brother and sister.)

However, as I moved into those dreadful teenage years, it got harder and harder to be who I was.  Kids became more cruel, all mixed up in their own hormones and self-loathing, and the insults became harder to handle.  I spent a good chunk of my teenage years losing myself in my books.  My grades suffered, I chose friends who treated me horribly, and I convinced myself that it was my lot in life to forever be unloved.  How could any boy ever want this?  This chunk of human being all fleshy with mousy brown hair and acne?  

I'll admit it, there were days when I contemplated suicide.  Sometimes I felt like I would never come into my own.  I would always have friends that yo-yo-ed me, never real friends that actually cared.  I would never fall in love, never get married, never have children-all because no one would ever want to be with my lard-ass.  I felt worthless, and I had no hope for anything more for my life so I never tried to be anything more.  I never tried to get good grades, or go to college, or date; I was simply trying to survive.

 After high school things did get much better.  I learned how to dress, how to do my hair and makeup, and how to work with what I had.  Mostly meaning my cleavage, boy do I have some good cleavage.  But even with all of that, those words from high school still stick with you.

I tell myself I'm better off, tell myself it doesn't matter what people think, but as my roommate said the other day "We tell ourselves 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me' but it isn't true.  Words hurt, they hurt a lot."  

Not only do they hurt, but they work their way into your brain like little burrowing worms; planting themselves there with no way for you to extract them without a full on lobotomy.  There are days, even now-over ten or more years later, that I still think to myself "Fatty fatty, two-by-four, can't fit through the kitchen door."  There are times when I look in the mirror and taunt myself, that hurtful little rhyme running on loop in the back of my mind.  Those teenage years are permanently branded in my brain, and now and again I still feel that old burning pain-all hot and tender and stinging as if that the iron, pulled straight from the fire, was once again pressed tight against the mark left by those difficult years.

***

I'm going to end this with something I feel is very important.  So many teens are bullied these days, during the hardest years of their lives for things they cannot change.  It is becoming an epidemic in our country; all of these suicides we've been having lately.  It's tragic.

I just pledged to help support the IT GETS BETTER project, because it does.  Even though the old familiar sting of those words still creep up now and again, and we should put a stop to the bullying and teasing-I am so much better off where I am today than I was back then.  I have people in my life that keep me going, that love me, and who I love more than I can possibly say.  It. Gets. Better.

Let's help kids realize that even if they're being bullied, it isn't a reason to stop living; and let's help put a stop to the bullying by teaching our children to love and accept people.

Will you stand with me?

www.itgetsbetterproject.com

Breath Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me

Wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breath me

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend.

Hold me.

Wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breath me

(repeat)

Breath Me - Sia

I'm really feeling this song lately, and it's currently on loop in my ear while I type away at this post.  I've loved this song since I first heard it on the series finale of Six Feet Under, it was a really emotional ending and the song kind of stuck with me.  However, I haven't really listened to Sia for a while, and just got a few of her albums.  I'm reconnecting with this song, and after carefully reading the lyrics, I'm not so sure whether it's good or not.

It's beautiful, the whole song is beautiful... But in that "sorrow is beautiful" way I'm oh-so-familiar with.  I've been so numb for the past while, and listening to this song-I feel something again.  That longing, that ache.  I guess especially after Saturday night where I spent time with people that I love more than life itself. 

There was a moment where I was in on laying on the bed with the roommate and one of our newer friends.  We were all drunk, and mostly goofing off, but it felt really comfortable and warm.  Like family.  Suddenly I feel as if I'm overflowing with emotion, and it seems to be all the emotion I've had tucked away and hidden from myself after the last little while.

These are my people.  So often I feel so broken, so alone, and so afraid of ever standing up and trying again.  It's hard not to feel that way with so many past failures.  So many times where trust has been given, and taken, and then shattered in ways more painful than can be described.  I've given up trying.  Throwing myself into my work, into spending time at home with the roommate, into thinking up new projects, and into hosting parties filled with as many people take the pain away as I can.  

These are my people.  They truly take the pain away.  They wrap me up, they unfold me, they keep me warm and safe and feeling loved.  In turn, I breath them.  I feel them.  I hurt for them and I love them with more love than I ever thought was possible to carry.  I am so grateful to be surrounded by so many vibrant and beautiful people who can push me to be a better person, and love me in spite of all of my flaws and failures.  They can make me feel beautiful when I'm berating myself with negativity, make me feel smart when I feel like all I do is make dumb decisions, call me on my shit when I fail to see it, and hold me up when my heart is to heavy to for me to support.  

I hope you all know, just how much I love you, and how grateful I am that you're part of my life.  Without you guys, I would be a lesser person-an empty shell.  You are beautiful, and you make my life worth living.

How I Was Rejected By A Conservative

So I was sitting there eating cheese....

No, just kidding. Ray recommended I start this post like that.  To be honest, I wasn't eating at all, but I WAS drinking at the time.  In fact, we'd just made a liquor store run, and stopped off for some really gory movies, which resulted in us popping Sorority Row in the Xbox and sitting down with our boozey beverages.

This is why people-like me-need blogs; there's just too much crazy stuff that happens in my life not to be recording and sharing it all.  Case and point, being rejected by a member of the Tea Party (yeah yeah yeah, we'll get to that.) or finding out one of my exes might be a PEDO (freak, that's another post for another day, but I will tell you it's the Pothead, and that I'm so disgusted I ever knew him.) or how about finding out that my army-boy was sleeping with multiple women all the while we were dating and I found out FROM THIS VERY BLOG!  See?  Crazy stuff.  Are you all thoroughly entertained by my hardships and utter frustration with dating?  Good.  I want you to be, otherwise I wouldn't post this crap.  Please enjoy, and please laugh heartily.

Perhaps you want a little background on this first, so I'll fill you in, my darling readers.  The job I am currently working in is one I'm returning to after a year and a half absence.  I worked here before, and we had a rambunctious little gang of coworkers (it's just not the same now, but it's still good) that generally had an amazing time together.  There were three of us who had a crush on one of our coworkers (the hot-nerdy type) and we'd all have a good time discussing it.  He's not gay (I can't decide if trying to date a conservative is better or worse than when I tried to date a gay guy-yeah, I did that-don't judge) so David was out of luck.  That left two, Sheena and Me.

When I quit that job, he and I had a conversation and I told him how I felt, and that was that; we really didn't see each other until I came back in to re-interview for this position nearly a year and a half later.  At this time I was blissfully hiding away from the world of dating.  Okay, maybe blissfully isn't the right word... Let's try-bitterly, but I was content not feeling or caring about mushy-gushy love bullshit.  Yeah, that lasted right up until I saw him again.  I managed to cling to the fringes of it again until I started working with him (yes, I know what you're all thinking-BAD ANGIE, what happened to the no coworker rule?  I'm weak, and cute-nerdy boys with super-intelligence are my weakness, OK?) but then I'd decided I might as well enjoy liking someone again. 

This is where Sheena and her meddling came in.  She decided to have one of her friends that still works here tell him that I "dig" him.  I felt so humiliated over the whole thing-but life moves forward.

(This is the part where we get back to the drunken movie night-which was Josh's idea because he thought a nice movie filled with blood and ditzy girls getting slaughtered is the best remedy for his broken heart and my melancholy.)

The reason that is relevant, is because it was at this time the guy and I decided to sit down and talk about what had happened with the meddling.  To which I decided "what the hell" and said "To be fair to Sheena, I do like you."  Which he told me he already knew, since we'd discussed it a year before and I was fairly obvious (purposefully!) in my flirting.  Then he said "There are a few reasons that I've never pursued a relationship with you."

Now, before I proceed with his reasoning, you all should know that I'm sitting in a room with Matt, Jon, and Josh.  A Libertarian, a moderate liberal, and a HUGE liberal.  All of which were waiting to hear whether the guy I liked was interested in me too.

His reasons?  Religion (which to be honest, I expected) and politics (which I really hadn't expected.)  He's politically right-wing and aware that I am quite outspoken with my lefty beliefs (Hell, he reads this blog-everyone wave!) Now, since I like the dude, I proceed to say that I'm pretty open-minded and would probably be just fine dating a conservative, besides-hell-Ray (everyone wave again!) and I get along swimmingly and he's pretty conservative.

I wasn't prepared for the next statement.

"Are you aware that I'm politically aligned with the Tea Party?"

Shock.  My jaw literally fell open, and Jon (the bastard) upon seeing my disbelief at the screen in front of me and proceeding to check out why I was in shock, began laughing-which didn't stop for the next few days.  (It's ok, I still tease him about eating funny because that's the excuse his last girlfriend used to break up with him-she was crazy.)

Still, part of me actually considered it.  I'm aware it probably wouldn't have been the best move on my part, but I justified it with "But I really like him!"  He, however, pointed out that he reads my blog and has seen what I've posted about "tea-baggers."  (You know, now that I read that old post, it's not so much them themselves, but what a few members of that party were doing, that I was speaking out against) In any case, we agreed, it's great to be friends, but dating is probably not the best option for us.

That evening Jon, Josh and I poured our shot-glasses full and toasted always choosing the wrong people, and voiced our hope that the next person that comes into our lives, will be right for us.  The next morning, I woke up over it.   I'm content being friends.

Besides, can you guys see little liberal me trying to date a staunch religious conservative?

It'd sure as hell make for some funny blog material! :P

(Hope this made you laugh, rather than offending you)

(((Slurpees soon!)))