My Heart Lives In My Vagina - Or Why Attachment Does NOT Equal Love

I still remember this episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Okay, I remember all of the episodes because it's my comfort show and I may or may not have watched most of the seasons like five eleven times.  When the "Perfect Little Accident"episode (season 6, episode 16) aired Kristina immediately turned to me and said "THAT'S YOU!"  And I just blinked at her.  I couldn't deny it then, and I definitely can't deny it now.  For those of you who haven't seen the show, the little sister character (Lexi) is planning to sleep with a mutual friend of theirs (again), and the big sister (Meredith) warns her not to because she'll get attached.

One night stands don't work for me.  Sleeping together without having feelings for each other doesn't work for me.  This is something that time and a lot of experience with the matter have taught me.  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to convince myself otherwise because I was thinking with my hormones and not with my head, only to have another lesson-induced smack down from the Universe saying "You can't do this."

Why don't they work for me?  I get attached.  It's just something that happens, and I've come to accept that about myself.  My heart does live in my vagina, and chances are if I choose to be intimate with someone like that I already have feelings for them-feelings that can only be intensified after being so close and releasing all of those love-like chemicals into the brain.  You see sex, or most physical contact, releases all sorts of hormones and makes your Dopamine skyrocket.  This is much like a reaction to a drug or any other addictive substance, and that is why when it goes away we crash so hard.  They're love withdrawals, and I get them bad.

I've spent a lot of my life fighting this fact. It seems to me that it would be much easier if I could just satisfy any physical need I want without wanting anything more than that from people. However, I've come to realize that feeling something for people isn't a bad thing.  How can it be wrong to love with all you have?  It's not.  I'd rather fall for every person I'm intimate with and get hurt than be numb or unfeeling.  I honestly believe we should go out there and love anything and everything we have.  We should love the people who love us, and we should love the people who don't.  There's far too much else in this world, a little extra love isn't a bad thing.  Spread it around freely.

The problem comes with the attachment. To be attached to something means we're placing the power of our happiness or love on the condition that the thing we're attached to will always be there.  When we get attached to something we forget that nothing is permanent, and that the only thing we can control is our own actions and reactions.  That thing we're attaching our hopes and dreams to could be gone in an instant, and when it goes we're going to hurt-a lot.

Attachment does not equal love.  When we attach to something or some one, we are trying to control it and the situation because we feel so out of control about it it-but that's the thing-you can't control love, and you can't control the person you're loving.  We have to learn to relinquish control and just go with it. If we are able to just go with it, and not attach ourselves to it in order to try and control it, then we can love freely and accept that whatever will be will be.  It will probably still hurt when it ends, but it wont break us as badly as that severed attachment does. We have to accept that nothing lasts forever, and a little bit of hurt lets us know that we're still alive. It lets us know we're a living, breathing, feeling thing-and it allows us to appreciate when we feel the good things in life.

No one is perfect.  Here I sit talking about how to love and not attach to things, when I fully admitted that I get attached.  I'm working on it, and it's a long and difficult process.  It's hard to train yourself to love a different way when the one way is all you've been doing for your entire life, but let's be honest-that way hasn't been working for me.  It has just left a lot of heartache and apprehension for the future.  I'd become afraid to love someone, because in my head loving someone was always this big painful process that ultimately led to me being alone and hurting.  It doesn't have to be like that, and I'm trying to learn that I can love openly and fully, and then if the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea if needs be.  There's something ultimately poetic about a goodbye that's as peaceful as the tide washing the sand away... Perhaps that's how it's supposed to be.

Musical Mondays: Rebel Heart

This past Saturday I turned 29.  I celebrated with a few close friends for what will probably be the last party thrown in an apartment that has hosted so many wonderful ones throughout the years.  It's only natural that with everything going on, coupled with a birthday, I should be feeling a little introspective. I can't help but feel like I've kind of made it through... I mean I understand that there are so many more years ahead of me that will be filled with good times and bad things.  Years that will be filled with new lessons learned, heartbreak, and a million new experiences.  But the last 29 years?  I made it through.

My friend Jan looked at me the other night as I was offering her advice on dating (it's okay to laugh here lol) and she said "I look at you and I don't know how you do it.  But I want to.  You are at such an amazing time in your life and you are so independent."  I think it was right there at that moment when it hit me that everything she'd just said was right.  I am standing on my own two feet, and damn that feels good.

Here I am, 29 years old and I have so much going for me.  I'm in school, I own my own car (two actually until my brother pays the one he's driving off!), I have a good job with grown-up benefits, and I'm buying a house.  On. My. Own.

I spent a good chunk of my twenties waiting for "Mr. Right" to come along.  I met a lot of "Mr. Right Now", and a lot of "Mr. Totally Wrong For Me", but never the right person who would love me back as much as I loved them, or who would be on the same page at the same time with me enough to try for something real. There were all these things I told myself I would do when I met "Mr. Right", and buying a house was one of them.  Buying a house is such a huge responsibility.  It requires a lot of money, time, and adult decision making-it all just sounded so much easier with a partner.  But he never came, and I finally stopped waiting and decided to just buy a house on my own.

It is both the scariest and most empowering thing I've ever done.  The scary part is understandable, but the empowering part comes from a place where I am doing this without anyone else making the decisions for me, or anyone else providing money for it... Just me.  I'm sure I"ll have a lot of help from friends and family with the process-I've already been talked down from the ledge a few times, and my friends and family have provided very valuable input-they're great like that; but the main stuff?  That's all me.

And "Mr. Right"?  Maybe he'll turn up one day, or maybe he wont, but either way I'm going to be just fine, better than fine...  I'm kind of amazing at 29 years old.

This week's song:

Rebel Heart

by Madonna

Musical Mondays: I Wanna Get Better

When it comes to making changes, sometimes, you can really only make lasting ones if you actually want it.  I mean really want it.  You have to want it with every fiber of your being-and that want has to drive you.  That want has to push you harder than you've ever allowed yourself to be pushed, and it has to keep pushing you even when you get discouraged or start to lose faith.

Sometimes it's hard though.  What you want can seriously clash with what you're willing to do, and you really have to evaluate and weigh out whether you're willing to do the things you don't want to in order to get the things you want most.  That's hard.  Sometimes, it's even harder when you're battling inner demons... The voices in your head.  Those things hold you back and sometimes convince you that what you want isn't worth it.

There are things I think I want more than anything.  Things like a relationship with a nice guy or to finally lose all this weight and get healthy.  I know what I have to do for both, but year in and year out I somehow find myself in the same place battling those same demons.  Have I lost the weight?  No.  Have I found a lasting relationship?  No.  Have I put in the work?  For a little while, then I get discouraged and lose the battle.  So, no.  

Let's break it down, shall we?  If I want a relationship I have to put myself out there. I have to actively date, meet new people, and give them a chance further than the first date before giving up on them or on myself.  I can't hide from it.  I can't chicken out.  I just need to bury the fear that I'm not good enough, or my fear of losing my independence, or my fear of getting my heart broken and TRY.

If I want to lose the weight I need to eat right and work out.  I need to continue to do this even when I get discouraged because I've gained or not lost as much as I wanted, and I need to continue to do it even after I'm feeling better and have lost the first 20lbs.  For some reason I always give up at that point-I'm feeling great, it's working, and then poof-I quit.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it's the unknown... Having self-identified as the funny fat girl my entire life, I'm not sure of who I'll be when I'm no longer what I identify as, and that is scary as hell.  It's a stupid fear, but there none-the-less.

I want to get better.  I want to be better.  I want to stop getting discouraged and push myself in spite of the fear and the doubt.  This year everything changes.  No more giving up on myself.  So this is me-"standing on the overpass screaming at myself hey-I WANNA GET BETTER!"

This week's song:

I Wanna Get Better

by Bleachers

Chandelier: Why We Can't Cover Our Problems with Pills & Alcohol {Musical Mondays & Giveaway}

What is Musical Mondays?

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us.  Along with talking about music, I host a (usually) month-long music giveaway. 

This week's song:

Chandelier 
by Sia

+ cover by Sarah Bareilles

I Confess... I'm Not 100% Sure I Can Do This

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I confess... I'm having trouble coping-much more trouble than I ever expected to have. I knew the transition would be difficult and that I'd miss my best friend like crazy, but I didn't expect to feel so lost. Change is hard, I know that, but this feels like everything is different. Nothing feels the same. Nothing feels quite right. I'm not 100% sure I can do this.

I confess... I finally got my second tattoo!  I'd wanted to get one with Josh before he left for Canada so we made an appointment and just did it!  I got "rester sauvage" which means "to stay wild" in French on my foot with these beautiful little birds.  If anyone ever tells you that the foot is one of the most painful places-believe them.  It hurts so bad.  I want to add some color but that will have to wait for me to build my courage up again.

I confess... Josh got this little Sanskrit word on his wrist.  The closest translation of it is "faith" or "trust" and it's a pretty little reminder to have faith in himself and the world around him.  I really like how he got it done in brown ink so it looks like henna-a little bit of permanent henna.  

I confess... On top of all of that change my mother texted me Saturday to let me know they had to put down my family dog.  Tanner was supposed to be my little brother's puppy.  He was a reward for learning to sleap in his own bed.  But that dog chose me.  He used to sleep with me every single night when I lived at home, and even as he grew old and became both deaf and blind-he knew me.  Somehow he still knew me.  My heart was broken.

I confess... I was lucky to have it dragged out as long as it did.  Josh was supposed to move to Tremonton with all of his things when his mother came and got them last Friday.  However his stepdad had a golf tournament and was stressed so she thought it better if I brought him up there on Sunday.  I was ecstatic-a whole other weekend with my best friend.  Then Sunday came and I drove him home and it got so late while I helped unload and store things that I ended up spending the night and didn't have to say goodbye until the next day-I stretched our time together as far as it could possibly go and for that I'm grateful.

I thought I could get away without crying but I didn't.  I started the minute I hugged him goodbye, and then had several small cries from his mother's house to the freeway.  I was fine the rest of the day as I went about work-but driving home I realized I was going home to an empty apartment and I lost it.  I don't know that I've fully regained my composure again since.

[buy this print]

I confess... I've been drinking my feelings away a bit.  No, I'm not an alcoholic, but a little whiskey has gone a long way to calming my nerves and the bouts of grief I feel when I think about all the empty spaces in the apartment.  Empty spaces I really thought I'd be excited to fill with my things, but that I haven't been able to touch.  I'm working on putting at least one new thing in these empty spaces each day until it feels right.  It's slow going.  I also find it very hard to sleep knowing I'm the only one there.  I know it'll get better, but for now-it's spooky a little bit.  It didn't help that there was the loudest thunderstorm outside my window which pulled me out of a sleeping-pill induced sleep the other night.  I was scared to death.  lol

I confess... I have a new car.  Well, new to me.  I bought Josh's little Fiat 500 since he had to sell it when he moved.  It's a stick shift, so that's been exhausting for my brain and I killed it like 3 times the other day in the rain.  Thank goodness for sport mode.

I confess... I drove my old Civic to school and work once or twice this week.  I told myself it was because I need to get it out so people can see the For Sale signs in the window, and because I hadn't purchased a parking pass for the new car yet-and the old one's is still good until the 31st... But honestly?  It was because I just needed something to be the same.  The apartment feels different, my work schedule is different, I'm in new classes, my car is different, and I'm missing my best friend.  It didn't feel better.  It didn't feel the same.  I just kept thinking about how I really should have been driving my new car and practicing.  

I confess... For now I'll just keep on keepin' on.  There's not much else to do but keep moving forward and hope it all starts feeling better. It's oddly like a breakup-but yet not. We're friends and we always will be, but man I miss seeing him on a regular basis. I really miss having him around.

*Update* I went out Wednesday night and I feel a lot better.  It's still hard sleeping in the apartment all alone, but it gets a little better day by day.

Linking up with:

Preparing For Change & Trying Not to Panic

In a week everything changes. Not just little changes like you expect day to day, but big changes-bigger changes than I've had to experience in a while.  It's the end of something.  The end of something that has been wonderful, but even wonderful things must come to an end.  Everything changes, whether it's change you consciously make or change that is just thrown at you out of the blue.  

source

I have a love/hate relationship with change.  There is a need inside of me for things to change, but if that change isn't of my own doing it really freaks me out.  But we're all a little bit afraid of change, and luckily the majority of this change has been something I've had a lot of time to plan for.  

My roommate told me he wanted to move years ago, and every Summer I spent a lot of time stressing about whether it was the last one or not.  So, when he applied and was accepted to grad school in Canada this year it wasn't a huge surprise-in fact, it was almost a relief to know there was an actual date in the future to look out for and to plan on.  

So this Summer has been a whirlwind of activity.  Watching the roommate plan for the future and make big changes in his life to chase his dreams has been both inspiring and terrifying.  I know he's nervous about this change too.  He's moving to a new city far away where he doesn't know anyone.  He quit his teaching job to be a starving student living off of Ramen again-but when he thinks about how much he's going to miss all of us back here he breaks down a little.  But he was strong enough to realize that he hated his teaching job (loved teaching but hated the bureaucracy) and living here wasn't working for him.  It was too stifling for him here-he couldn't be himself.  He was brave enough to make a change in spite of it being scary as hell.

source

While I'm infinitely proud of him and inspired by him, the realization that this means change for me as well is both exciting and frightening.  So much of my life is going to be altered by something that sounds so simple as your roommate moving out-but it's not.  He's my best friend.

Who's going to randomly go get onion rings with me when I had a bad day at work and feel like cheating?

Who's going to wander IKEA with me and dream of tiny spaces filled with cute Swedish furniture?

Who's going to stay up way past our bedtimes talking about philosophical things? Or watching stupid shows?

Who's going to randomly cook fried rice or some other random craving with me?

Who's going to tell me everything will be alright as I fall apart after a breakup?

He's kind of been the person that is there for everything for me for the last 5 years.  The majority of my time spent with people has been with him.  He's been my roommate, best friend, and family throughout both amazing and rough times, and we have been so close.  Knowing that he wont be around... Well, that's hard.  I am far more happy and excited for him than I am sad.  I want him to go out and be happy and find everything he's looking for and I know with every bit of myself this is what needs to happen-I'm just going to miss him a lot.  While we'll always be friends (I've no doubt of it) it will never be the same again.  Things never are.

He told me the other day that he's worried that when he leaves I will hermit away, and he doesn't want me to be lonely.  I will... For a while.  Every end comes with a grieving period, and after a while I'll stop grieving, realize I'm lonely, and go out again.  I'm lucky that there will be so much to do so quickly after that I wont have too much time to be mopey.  School starts two days after he leaves and I'm taking 10 credit hours this semester on top of regular work, so I will be very very busy.

Don't get me wrong, while there is a large amount of fear (when I stop to think about him actually going as it gets closer and closer I feel my anxiety rise up in my throat) there is a lot I'm excited for.  I've never lived alone before.  I've never had a space that was entirely mine to do with what I pleased.  My bills are doubling, but I'm also getting an extra room for moving my craft stuff into-a place I can turn into a creative outlet and hopefully be more productive in.  I'm excited to see what kind of person I am when I fully stand on my own two feet with no one but myself to rely on.  Such an exciting new adventure!

I can do this-I just have to remember to breathe.  There are moments I have to completely stop and just remind myself that I am strong and independent, and that new adventures are exciting and full of goodness.

It's a Risk to Love

Dear Readers,

Today I want to take a break from regular blogging and encourage you all to go out and take a risk.  

Go fall in love with someone or something.  A new friend.  The way the sky looks...

Anything.

Do something you've never done before.  Do something you've been afraid to do.  Tell someone you love them...

Be brave.

Make a plan.  Plan that trip you've been putting off.  Book that cruise.  Register for school.  

Life is short and today is your day.  

Today.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow?

You are all bold and beautiful and I am so lucky to know you.

With an incredibly full heart,

Miss Angie

When a Car Accident is Really a Blessing

Sometimes, something that seems really awful happens and it feels all stressful... Until it's not and you realize it's going to be a huge blessing.  Friday night I was driving home from work and suddenly traffic halted.  I slammed on my breaks, fingers clenched around the steering wheel praying that I wouldn't hit the car in front of me, and I didn't.  However, when I looked in my review mirror it was suddenly clear to me that the car behind me wasn't going to stop.  The minute that driver realized it wasn't going to happen he veered left, but didn't quite make it and his front right bumper collided with my left rear bumper.  The only thing I thought was "Oh this again" and we moved to the far left shoulder before being directed (by phone) by the Highway Patrol dispatch to meet an officer off the next exit where it was safe.

Surprisingly, I wasn't upset at all.  I was shaking from the adrenaline, but the couple in the car that hit me were so nice (he was from Wyoming, she was from California, and they were both graduating from BYU this April.)  We talked and made sure each other were alright, and upon greeting the officer suddenly it was clear that the officer and the wife of the driver had grown up together in California, neither knew that the other was here in Utah now.  It was a fun little reunion and they even had me take a picture of the three of them.  I also told them that if they needed an auto body shop they should check out Steve Whitlock's in provo, since my brother works there.  I am so grateful for nice cops, and nice honest people who stop.

Remember how I was in an accident in January where the other driver opened their door as I was pulling into a parking spot?  If not, here's the photo of that too: 

Yep, my car is now crunched on both sides... It's not looking to pretty.  Some funny coincidences happened with this accident though.  Not only did the driver's wife know the Highway Patrolman, but the car that hit me was the exact year, make, model, and color of the car I collided with in January, and the accident happened in the EXACT location of when I totalled my car 3 years ago.  I mean exact.  It's bizarre.  At least this time I had NO fault and didn't end up in a massive car pileup.  

What are the blessings?  Well I took my car in for an estimate today and it was funny to learn that the driver who hit me already had their car in the shop and my brother had been working on it.  The benefit to that is that the Highway Patrol's report was kind of bare and so I didn't know the other drivers insurance policy number, so my insurance was having a hard time getting everything settled.  The office manager put me right in contact with the other driver's insurance with the right number, and that insurance company was fantastic.  They are taking care of everything, including a rental car which they have already scheduled me for.  At this point I have nothing but praise for 

Extra bonus?  I wasn't going to take care of that front accident because I didn't want to pay the deductible, but since it's down there with my brother he can put it back together and pop out the dent for free (he just can't paint it or use company resources without charging).  So now my car is going to be (mostly) repaired on BOTH ends without me having to pay a dime.  This almost makes the whole second accident a blessing in disguise, don't you think?

I also got to have lunch with my awesome brother while I was down there.  He took me to a really awesome Chinese place in Provo and we were able to sit and talk, which is something we almost never do.  It was a fantastic bonding experience, and great to see both him and my sister-in-law when we dropped off some lunch for her at her work.  I'm calling that an extra blessing because I don't see them nearly enough.  

On another note, I'm working on the #100HappyDays project where you make sure you take the time to photograph one happy thing every day for 100 days.  I'm finding it helps me focus on the good things even when I'm frustrated or upset with other things in life, and ultimately I'm hoping it helps me count my blessings more often.  

Think about it, have you had any blessings in disguise lately?

We Don't Have to Be Friends on Facebook

Oh Facebook-the simultaneously magical place where I can keep up with everyone I could ever want to and place where a good amount of stress is generated.  Stress?  Well yes, it's stressful to always be sucked into the drama that people create. Some people thrive on causing a stir and getting into internet arguments, and then there are those of us over here that are just like "Oh hey, look at this cute cat!"

It's stressful to constantly be berated with political and religious images. some are fine, but we always have at least one friend who is constantly posting "I hate the president" or "Your religion is wrong for this reason."  It doesn't matter which side of the fence they are on or what god they pray to-it's a constant stream of negativity and a lot of looking for someone to argue with.

Let's not forget about the people who hate everything.  They complain about the snow when it's snowing, then the heat when it's warm... They complain about the rain and the drought.  They complain about their family and friends, then they complain when no one wants to spend time with them.  It's a never ending cycle of hatred-and reading that is just inviting yourself to feel negative also.

But this person is your friend... You see this person every day at work, or every Friday night when you get together for dinner and drinks... Or this person is family.  It's your cousin, your aunt, your sister-so you have to put up with their posting insanity or sending you twelve invites for every single one of the two-hundred-and-fifty-three games they play right?  That's what you do for family.

There are only so many posts that feel so stupid you want to tear your hair out, or so many posts that enrage you and leave you feeling angry before you have to do something about it-and you're not about to start an internet rage-fest or argue with someone who won't listen to logic.

Let's be honest.  There is only so long you can deal with seeing all of this before you just snap.

So what are you to do? You want to be able to go on Facebook and still keep up with people and see the good things. You can try hiding their posts-but inevitably they're going to realize that you're not seeing their things and carry on their drama on your end this time. They'll leave comments on your posts/pictures hoping to incite some kind of "debate" (but we all know that debate to these kind of people really means one-sided argument-because they are incapable of logically discussing things and rather they just want to rant at you) and you'll start feeling the sadness and frustration that you were previously dealing with again. There's just no winning. Eventually you're going to start to hate this person in real life.

This is the point when you need to take a long hard look at that delete button and remind yourself that you don't have to be friends on Facebook. It's not the end of the world. You can still see and love someone in real life without the frustrations of Facebook. It will be okay-in fact it will be more than ok-it will be a lot better.

So go ahead and free yourself. That way you can get back to Facebooking and all of it's glory without the constant worry that logging in is going to ruin your whole day. The world will be a much better place for you-promise.

*Update* Check out my awesome reader's comments below-they have more funny stories and other great tips for when unfriending just doesn't feel right!  Hiding & unfollowing work really well too!*

2014: Fearless

I love this concept of choosing a word for your year.  I feel like it's a much more manageable way of improving than making resolutions you'll never stick to.  When you make a list of resolutions you have all of these things you want to achieve-and the list can get quite daunting until you either find yourself so overwhelmed with it all, or just quit worrying about it.  Either way, you don't always accomplish those resolutions.  

Picking a word is different.  It's not a "I need to complete this" thing, but rather one simple little thing that you can focus on.  One word that is in the back of your head for the entire year-a word that reminds you of how you want to live and who you want to be.  The word I've chosen this year is Fearless.

I don't know when I became this person who is afraid of everything.  In my early twenties I put myself out there and held my head high as I confidently made my way through life.  I dated without worry about my body and I did scary things like tube down the river or go on roller coasters without second guessing anything.  Somewhere along the way I've developed a fear of everything.  A fear of living.  It holds me back and keeps me from truly getting out there and doing something awesome; I can't do it anymore.

So here I am, committing to be less fearful in 2014.  Every time I feel afraid of something I'll remember my word (or look down at the necklace I'm ordering) and do it anyway-because I can't live my life in fear. I will no longer hide behind my own skirt or limit myself.  Here's to Fearlessness.

What is your 2014 word?

10 Practical Tips for Lowering Stress at Work

If you're human-things bug you.  If you're anything like me, nearly everything bugs you-sometimes even to the point of total overload.  That level of stress is not good for you, and it's certainly not good for your interactions with other people-specifically if those people are the ones who are bugging you.  I could try and be zen and tell you "just ignore it" or "water off a duck's back" but let's be real-how often does that really comfort you when you're trying not to snap?    So instead, I've come up with some practical tips to try and cut down on the stress in your life.

1. If you work in a place where you can, wear headphones at work.  This will cut down on the amount of sound annoyance you receive while working.  For example, you wont be distracted by those coworkers that never stop chatting, the guy on the other side of your cubicle who burps and farts all day, or those coworkers who just don't understand that you silence your cell phone in an office.

2. Stay out of the passing lane.  Nothing is more stressful than being in the passing/fast lane and some a-hole is going 5 miles under and holding up the line.  It's a fact that there are too many people out there that don't understand how the passing lane works-and it just causes stress for those of us that do.  But why do we always have to be in such a rush?  If we just kept to the right, went the speed limit, and put some music on we'd save ourselves a lot of trouble.  (Just ask my roommie, he gets 60+mpg staying at 60-65mph and doesn't have to stress about passing people.)

3. Leave your desk for breaks and lunch.  That's exactly what breaks and lunch are for-to get away from the stuff you do and stress over all day.  There are times I stay at my desk working on stuff over my lunch break and those are the days I go home feeling more beaten down than ever.  Give your brain a break and go talk to a coworker, take a walk, or at least get outside for some non-fluorescent lighting.

4. Don't skip lunch.  Skipping eating is not only not healthy for your body, but it also can cause stress binging later.  Avoid the overeating by eating regularly.

5.  Keep healthy snacks on hand, and a little bit of chocolate.  We all know what hangry (hungry+angry) is, and we've all seen the commercials saying "You're being a cow, have a Snicker's bar" (well, or something similar) so keep a little healthy snack on hand, something like nuts or fruit (protein without the sugar crash) will keep you happier longer and lower the stress levels.  Oh and having a little chocolate (dark chocolate is even good for you in small amounts) on hand for those mood-swing days is a lifesaver!

6. Drink lots of Water.  Dehydration stresses your body out, and if you're body is stressed-all of you is stressed.  It's hard to remember, but hydrate hydrate hydrate!

7. Kill 'em with kindness, a.k.a. be nice to people even if they aren't nice.  You'll feel better, I promise-if not for just being nice, for showing them up by being super sweet even if they were a raging beeyotch.

8. Log off of Facebook.  We all know that Facebook is a perpetual drama machine.  Even if you don't have friends stirring up trouble there's always a minefield of stress on Facebook-friends going and doing something without inviting you (hello, feeling left out is stressful), people posting political rants they haven't researched at all (I hate when something political happens, because I realize I hate like half of the people I'm friends with on Facebook), passive aggressive status attacks, inviting you to play Candy Crush eight-million-and-one times, etc.  I'm not saying forsake Facebook forever, just take a freaking break from it.

9. Unplug.  We're too attached to technology in general.  Turn off your phone and read a book or escape to the mountains where there is no cell phone coverage for a little while-even an hour helps (though I recommend an entire weekend for de-stressing).  Cellular devices are causing so much more stress now that we're all attached to them like a lifeline.

10. If all else fails, do something silly.  Stand up and dance like a fool at your desk or read Damn You AutoCorrect (I've banned myself from reading that at work because I absolutely can not control my laughter, it's ridiculous!).  A little laughter or some movement can really take the edge off.

What do you do to relieve stress throughout the day?

So Much Change

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I Confess... I'm all registered for Anthropology 1010: Culture & Human Experience on Mondays, as well as French 1010: Beginning French 1 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I had forgotten just how expensive books are-seriously.  I'm not sure which edition I need for Anthro (the professor said she'd look into it and let me know) but the latest is $196 to buy, or $95 to rent (which I think I'll go with.)  For French I need the latest edition which hasn't even been released for sale anywhere yet (next week) and so there are no used copies, it's just going t be a whopping $280-and I need to buy it due to the fact that I'll need it for further French classes too.  My roommate has an advanced copy of it, but it's the teacher's edition and I don't think my professor would appreciate me having all the answers already... 

My company will reimburse me for all of this as long as I pass with Cs in my classes, but coming up with the money to pay for this at the start right now is difficult.  I would have had it if I hadn't had to spend so much on my car this summer ($1200 in repairs-plus it needs to go in again now but it's going to have to wait!)  I applied for a student loan (I make way too much for grants) but wont hear anything for another two weeks.  This will be even harder if I have to come up with full rent for September and all of these things at once...

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I Confess... My roommate is most likely moving out soon... I mean I've known this for a long time but it just kept not happening so it was easy to become comfortable where I was.  He had a job interview for a school in Seattle which he's been hoping to get the opportunity with for a long time.  He's just not happy where he is now.  I have a gut feeling he's going to get it-which is a good thing, but it will also be heartbreaking saying goodbye to someone you've spent nearly every day with for the last 4 years.  He's my best friend and the distance will be sad-but I'll be happy for him moving on to bigger and better things and ultimately a life that makes him happy.

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I Confess... While at first I was terribly torn on how to feel about it.  I want him to get it so he'll be happy (which outweighs any selfish feelings I was having about the whole thing) but I know just how much I'll miss him when he's gone.  However I know whichever way it works out will be for the better.  If he doesn't then he stays and I get another year with him around, if he does then I learn to stand on my own two feet a little bit better.  

Sometimes I feel far too reliant on other people.  Not necessarily for every day things-I take care of things myself, I pay for things myself, etc.  I'm an adult.  However I find myself relying on the fact that Josh will be around if I do need something, or if I'm bored, or if I want company to run to the store, etc.  If he goes I'll be learning a new level of self-reliance.  I had considered taking on another roommate to help with bills and stuff, but I think I'll try living alone for a while-and it'll be nice to have the extra space in that case.

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I Confess...  If he does move to Seattle, I already know where I can visit for Fall Break!  I do love that city!  It's quite possible that one day everyone I know will end up living in Seattle anyway.

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I Confess... In case this is our last weekend with him-we planned a camping getaway to Jordanelle State Park this weekend.  We usually go to Idaho to go tubing down the river, but since it's a 2+ hour drive and we're trying to save money we decided to just keep it easy and find a closer place.  We wanted somewhere we could swim though, so Josh did a little research and decided to head up that way.  It's only 30 minutes away, has a nice big reservoir to swim in, and is known for great wildlife.

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Hurt People Hurt People

I don't think I know a single person that hasn't been lashed out by someone and not understood why.  On that same note, I'm not sure I know a single person that has never lashed out at someone for no obvious reason.  Everyone does it.  I have done it more times than I am proud of.  In turn I've far too often been the brunt of it from others as well.

Recently, I caught myself doing just this-in a moment of rejection I cracked a joke at a friend which instead of being funny, came off sounding really mean.  Almost instantly after I said it, I realized what I'd done and felt horrible.  Even now, days later I feel sad that I hurt a friend because of something that didn't even have anything to do with him.  He forgave me, but my heart still hurts to think I may have caused someone I love pain.

Hurt people hurt people.  It really is as simple as that.  People who are hurting lash out at other people who are hurting, and if you're the one being lashed out at-there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.  You can choose to take in that anger and lash out at other people in return, lash out back at the person lashing out at you; or you can choose to rise above and react to that person with compassion and understanding.

That doesn't mean you have to take it-no one deserves to be abused.  You are allowed to walk away.  You are allowed to stick up for yourself.  It's not worth starting an argument over, but you're allowed to say "I love you, I understand that you are hurting, but I cannot allow it to hurt me in return-so I'm going to walk away and we can talk about it later when we have both calmed down."

"Those who hurt us are usually hurting themselves, and their pain may be so strong that they are not even aware they are hurting us." - Joyce Meyers

But what if you find that you are the person hurting so bad that you catch yourself lashing out at the people you love?  What can you do to help prevent these things from happening?  Here are some ideas:

Allow yourself to feel your pain.

Often times when you find yourself lashing out at others, it's because you're fighting against your natural feelings of hurt and pain.  You're bottling it up so tight that it's like a carbonated beverage that has been shaken one too many times and is about to burst-little bits are spraying out from the cap that's not quite on tight enough.

We've been brought up in a society of people who are taught that we're not supposed to express our feelings-which just doesn't work.  Your body/mind/soul are telling you that you feel that way for a reason and the only way to get through it is to acknowledge it and let yourself feel it.  Let yourself be angry/sad/hurt/frustrated, etc.  The only way out is through. Just don't let that fill you up so full that you break apart and hurt the people around you.

Don't hold grudges.

Holding on to grudges really only hurts you.  The other person isn't necessarily hurt by it-they go on living their life while you are the one stuck dwelling on the things you feel they did.  You are the one that continues to hurt inside, hurt yourself further, and hurt those around you by lashing out.  In turn, forgive those who have lashed out at you-it's not worth ruining a friendship over just because a little anger burst through.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burnt." - Buddha

Always think before you speak.

Consider what is about to come out of your mouth before you let it slip past.  Always think about how it would make you feel.  If you still feel it needs to be said, perhaps the better option is waiting until you're not so hurt and angry to say it.  Sometimes it can be something not mean, or even as simple as a joke (as was my case), but your tone in that moment can turn it into something harsh and hurtful that sticks with that person you care about.

Accept that it happened, say sorry, and move on.

There will probably always be a time you slip up and lash out.  At that point, beating yourself up over it isn't going to help you or the person you hurt-so all you can do is take responsibility for your actions, apologize sincerely (because if they matter, you truly will be sorry) and keep moving forward.

Work towards healing.

Hurt people hurt people, however healed people heal people.  If you work on your issues and work towards healing (whether it's by simply accepting it and moving on, or seeing a therapist, etc.) you will then be able to go out into the world and spread that good energy that comes from you being healed.

In 27 Years I Have Learned

I am 27 years old today.  I remember being a child who thought that the year 2013 was some kind of space-age-and having no idea of what time really was I never imagined I'd see it.  However, here I am.  It's 2013 and I turn 27 years old officially at 8:15pm tonight.  In 27 years on this planet I have learned so many lessons and been through so many different experiences, both good and bad, and I wouldn't trade them for anything because I am finally becoming the woman I needed to be.  Every step or misstep has led me to where I am today, and who I know and love today.  

In 27 years I have learned...

That I am perfectly flawed, and that's okay.  I make mistakes, I put my foot in my mouth, I'm too loud/brash/honest sometimes, I speak before I think, I lash out when I'm upset, and more... But that does not mean I'm a bad person-it just means there is room for improvement.

You get what you give out. If you put good into the world, good comes back.  If you put negativity out, expect it back plus some.

Alone doesn't mean lonely.  You don't have to be in a relationship with someone else to be happy-you must learn to develop a relationship with yourself.  Being in relationships for the sake of not being alone just leads to infinitely more heartache.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't love you back.  It's really that simple. You deserve more.

People are inherently good. In the face of devastating tragedies amazing people arise and show you just how good we are as a whole.  People donate time, money, and their whole lives to help those in need-sometimes without any kind of thank you or reward or even being asked to.

Different isn't bad, just different.  It's okay to disagree.  We all have our own views on life, politics, religion, etc... It's okay not to agree-life would be boring if we felt exactly the same.  Just because I don't agree with you, doesn't mean I have to hate you or lash out at you to make you believe the same thing as me.  I wish more people understood this!

You have to love yourself at all stages of your journey.  I may still struggle with this sometimes  but I know it's true.  I may be working myself towards a new body, but I'm trying very hard to love every weight and size along the way-I am beautiful still!

Start Now.  They say "a year from now you'd wish you'd started now" and it's true.  I wish I'd started so many things I wanted to start years ago, because I'd be there now.  Oh well, time to start NOW.

Let go of the past.  Seriously.  It's over and done with, so there's no use holding on to it and struggling with it.  The only place you can be is the now, and the only thing that can change is the future.  The past is dead.

You can't change people.  I'm not saying people wont change, just that you can't change them.  People will only change on their terms and for their own reasons, and trying to change them not only hurts them, but hurts you.  If you can't accept and love/live with the way people are at this very moment, move on.

It's OK to walk away.  If a person no longer brings light into your life-it's alright to walk away from a relationship that no longer serves you.  Be it romantic, friends, family, etc.  It doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life completely (unless it's necessary for your own well-being) it just means they don't have to be an integral part of your existence anymore.

If you love it, give it your all.  You have to put forth an effort.  If you love your job, a hobby, or even a person-give that everything you have!  Don't let anyone bring you down for being devoted to those things you want.

I am stronger than I think.  So often I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to put myself out there and get a broken heart again, afraid to try and fail at something, or just plain afraid of the whole world in general.  I get anxiety.  But looking back I realize that I am so much stronger than I think!  I have made it through so much and will make it through more to come!

What are some valuable lessons you have learned?

Empathy {Musical Mondays}

What is Musical Mondays? 

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us.  

This week's song:

Empathy
by Alanis Morissette



There are so many parts that I have hidden and denied and lost
There are so many ways that I have cut off my nose to spite my face
There are so many colors that I still try to hide while I paint
And there are so many tunes that I secretly sing as I wait

You come along and invite these parts out of hiding oh
This invitation is one that I've stopped fighting ah

[Chorus]
Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I'm healed by your empathy
Ah, this intimacy

There were so many times I thought I'd die not being truly known
There've been so many moments forever lonely in my vocation

You come along to celebrate each feeling oh
And there you are all honor and inquiring ah

[Chorus]

There was a day where the trust that was being asked of me
Required too much you see to accept your generosity
To know myself enough to let you help me

[Chorus]

***

I don't think I ever thought about how hard it would be to trust again after all of those blows in the past.  For the first time in my life I'm actually dating a nice guy who wants much of the same things as I do and I'm more afraid than I've ever been.  I'm more afraid of him than I have been the jerks that have hurt me in the past.  My friend Meggy thinks that it's because somewhere deep down I knew none of them would last-that none of them were real intimacy.  Real intimacy is scary.

Thinking back I haven't had a serious monogamous relationship 6+ years.  How strange is that?  I've had people I've dated, had casual flings with, been in love with... But none of them were ever as committed to me as I was to them.  None of them reciprocated in quite the way that I needed them to-and they didn't care to either.  

You'd think now that I'm faced with someone who actually may return some of those things-you know who may actually provide a healthy and stable relationship-that I'd be welcoming it with open arms.  Yet there is a large part of me that wants to run and hide.  To tell him to just go away and stop beating at these walls I've built to protect myself from making all of the same mistakes all over again.

Still... I'm not letting fear control me anymore.  I'm working on healing myself.  I'm working on opening myself up to love again and hoping with all that I have that I don't get hurt again.  It helps that I'm not the only one.  It helps to have understanding, empathy, and mutual honesty.  We'll see what happens.

***

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com"><img src="http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww257/agofish/For%20Blog/musicalmondays.jpg"></a>

What are you listening to this week?

Don't forget to link up your musical selection and include the button! 

2013: Dedication

Last year I chose Simplify as my word for 2012.  I feel like I did actually simplify my life. I cut out a lot of the stresses and people that caused the most drama.  I decluttered a lot, I did things I love, etc.  

When I sat down to figure out what word I wanted to choose for 2013, the first thing that came to mind was "change".  I want change.  I want something new-something different than I've been experiencing.  Then it dawned on my why things weren't changing-me.  I haven't been dedicated to myself enough to make change happen.  This game will be played no longer!  This year I am dedicated to myself-so the word I choose is "Dedication."

I don't want to set resolutions or goals for the new year-because that leaves it open to failure and if I am dedicated to myself I wont fail. I can't fail again.  I am desperate for change-for success.  The cycle must be broken.

This Year I Promise Myself

→I will remain dedicated to myself, and not give up on me.←

→I will remember that I deserve MORE than I've allowed myself to want.←

→I will feed by body good things and exercise-I am dedicated to being healthy.←

→I will put myself out there and actually try to let myself be loved.←

→I will not date guys who don't want the same things I do.←

→I will stop selling myself short.←

→I will break the cycle.←

                             Source: krisheap.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest