Swaptastic!

I just received my package from Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap that I participated in. The idea being that you pick up a few of your favorite things and mail them to someone else who signed up. In return you get a package back with a few of their favorite things, and a little description of why they love it.

My partner ended up being Melissa from Above the Starlit Night, and can I just say-she is absolutely amazing? I've started reading her blogs since we were matched, and I love hearing from her! Also, her package was so well arranged and put together, I suddenly feel really guilty because mine wasn't nearly as pretty or well thought out... It was my first time, so I'm going to learn from her example for the next one I do, she's so awesome!

It was all wrapped in pretty tissue paper with little notes and ribbons. It was so wonderfully thought out and put together, and I love that she took extra care to send things that are specific to NJ where she is from.

The following is what was in the package, and the notes attached to them!


"My number one favorite thing is tea! You will never see me without a cup of tea! :)"

• A box of Lady Gray Tea: "This is one of my favorite bagged teas. :) Enjoy!"
  
• Mandarin Green Leaf Tea & Tea bags:"This is loose leaf tea from NJ! I enclosed bags for the tea. You can put 1.5 teaspoons in it and add hot water for 3-4 minutes. Enjoy a little piece of NJ! "

I'm not much of a Tea person, but I've been thinking I'd like to learn to like it. I'm excited to try these suggestions she sent, and to expand my tastes!

"I live 15 min. from the ocean. Here's a taste of home to me. The Jersey Shore!"

• 4 Sea-shells and 2 little umbrella toothpicks.

This was quite possibly the most thoughtful thing in the box. I love the little touch of home for her, and to the sea-shells are beautiful!

"I love this 'fav' because painting nails can get messy and become a hassle!"

• Dry Nail Applique - Self-stick nail police for French Manicure Tips.

I've never even heard of these, but they look fantastic! I'm excited to try them!

"This is one of my all-time favorite books! :) Reading is my favorite past-time!"

• The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell - How little things can make a big difference.

I love to read, and this book looks awesome! I've only recently found a love for self-help/reality books and am so excited to read this!

"My go to comfort food! These are yummy!"

• Chocolove Orange Peel in Dark Chocolate bar
• Chocolove Raspberries in Dark Chocolate bar

Ok, It's like 12:00am, and if I eat anything it'll go straight to my butt! However, these are sitting here next to me tempting me like no other... *Drools*

"I Love to cook , so here are some of my fav. Recipes! :)"

• A recipe for Melissa's Cheese Dip
• A recipe for Honey Sweet Cookies
• A recipe for Pizza Soup
  

I too love to cook! This was such a clever idea, I'm psyched to try these out!

Sorry the pics are so terrible! I couldn't wait until tomorrow for good light and the camera phone, and I can't find my actual camera!

Camping, Rallying, and Life In General

Over Memorial Day weekend, I went camping with my family for the first time in a few years. Usually when they go on these trips up to the family ranch I'm working, but obviously not this year. I tried getting some friends to come up with me, but they were all busy so I just went up and hung out with my family.

Tuesday night there was a Human Rights Rally at the State Capital. It was contingent on the ruling of the Supreme Court about Prop 8. They had said originally that if it was overturned it would be a celebration, but if it were upheld then we would be a protest. It ended up being a protest, because the supreme court upheld it. The minority right should never be put to a majority vote, and I have faith that it will eventually change will come to California, and eventually it will come to Utah too!

Otherwise, life is good. Planning Pride weekend and my camping trip with my friends. I've managed to sort out the issues with my emotions, and adopt a "Whatever will be will be" outlook on the whole thing. It's fabulous.

I'm moving this weekend, and I'm pretty much packed and ready to go. I've been feeling really antsy, and sitting around makes me crazy so I've been staying as busy as I can.

Well, that's all for my updates on life... Hope you and yours are well!

Letting Go...

When one lets an idea in, and lets it soak into the most intimate parts of their emotions, how do they let it go? How do you move past something that feels like it tears your heart open if you move from it in the slightest? What do I have to do to wrench this concept out of the deepest parts of me? So deep, that it will take a very large knife to cut it out, and will leave a gaping wound when I am done?

Wounds heal, and the scars left can be beautiful if you let them remind you of how much you have grown, and of all of the things you have not only lived through, but conquered. I will wear my battle scars proudly, and I will always remember how I have felt, and how it will never fully change, even if it is time to let go of some things.

My love will never change, and never disappear, just as I will always be here. However, I have realized that I have been pining, and that level of longing isn't necessarily healthy. Words have failed me, and you cannot convince someone of something they aren't willing to accept for themselves. So this is me... Letting go. I will let my heart break, on my own accord, so that I can put it together again with stronger foundations. It hurts, but eventually that will turn into a good kind of hurt, a healing hurt.

I'm laying down my weapons; I will never stop trying to show you how truly beautiful you are, but I have nothing more in my arsenal that would allow me to continue trying to be anything more than you are comfortable with us being right now. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and whether it is in this life, or another, if it is meant to be it will be. There is a strong faith within me, that allows me to accept the way things are, and acknowledge that they will work out how they are supposed to. I can keep my optimistic outlook here, and be thankful for having you in my life just the way you are, I need nothing more.

Custom Blog Headers

Hallo friends! Did anyone notice my new custom header above? If not, here it is again! (Click to see bigger version!)

I made it myself! I love it too. So, if any of you guys want a custom header (any way, color, size, style, etc.) Just let me know! I'd love to make you one!

Here's another example. I just made this one for Kristina's Myspace blog!


So just let me know, leave me a comment or send me an email at a.gofish@gmail. I'd love to spread my creativity and share my talent! :)

Life & Randomosity

Recently, I've posted a few deep-thought blogs, so I thought it was time for a life update. It seems like change is all around me right now, or more-so the stir in the air that comes right before change, almost as if I'm waiting for it. Today I moved some stuff into the new apartment. This is the temporary arrangement with Matthew, just until Josh is ready to move come August. It'll be kind of nice, I'll have my own room, but it will take A LOT to get used to being alone so often because Matt will hardly be there.

It'll be okay though, if I get to freaked out or lonely I'll just make the quick jaunt over to either Kristina's or Josh's, as I'll be about half way in-between both of them and they've been good enough to offer that should the occasion occur. My friends really do keep me sane; or maybe I should say they are as insane as I am so we enjoy every crazy minute of it together. Ca Marche.


Still no job, nothing has really presented itself so I'm surviving and getting used to finding things to fill my time with. Hey, I've even lost weight because I've been more active! There is an upside to every down, and the optimist in me is strong.

As for the glorious problem with my lappy, I ended up using superglue and a toothpick to pull out the stuck piece. I was still having the problem with the sensor at that point, however it magically started working a few days later. Go figure. I'm just glad I don't have to pay $700 to fix it, and I'm going to avoid plugging anything in there so it doesn't happen again!

I seem to be the anti-electronics person lately. After all the crap with the computer, my fan crapped out on me and various other electronic equipment has been fussy. Maybe it's all of my pent-up energy that's setting them all on the fritz... Maybe the "crazy" is spreading to the inanimate objects around me... Scary!

You don't even want to know about my love life right now, so it's probably best not to ask. (Shut-up Max. For reals.) Besides, I couldn't give you a straight answer on it anyway, I probably know less than anyone! Haha! All I can say is I'm getting used to Celibacy, but that doesn't mean I like it; it really doesn't. I thought about becoming a nun, for like a minute, but the whole "married to god" thing really scared me off. Can you become a commitment-aphobe when it comes to deities? Wait a minute... First, I'd have to believe in that religion to believe in that god... Well there goes that idea.

Oh well, we're all going to be Zombie's in a few years anyway, right? First fire ants, then animals, and then humans! I've decided that I'm okay with this outcome, I mean, what a way to die! "Hey Ben Franklin, how did you die? Oh YEAH? I got killed by ZOMBIES! Top that!"


I'm really contemplating going back to school and majoring in Psychology. I totally will when I can afford it again. Right now I'm so stressed about some of the debt collectors from my previous experience from school, and not being able to pay them, that I'm thinking of changing my name to Julio and jumping the border. Think I could survive in Mexico? Probably not. Damn, there goes idea numéro deux.

Oh! Got to meet a good blogging buddy the other day. I always enjoy reading his blogs, and he was friends with Josh before that, so it was nice to have dinner and meet. Check out his blog here: http://travelindav.blogspot.com He's a flight attendant so he sees a lot of interesting things and is a fun follow.

I think I'll go make a fun header for my blog now... Check it out, in a few days I might have something unique up there. Leave me some comments if you read, even if it's just to say "Hi! Stopping by!" or something, because it's always nice to know someone is reading! Loves!

Did You Say It?

Yes, once again I have an excerpt from a TV show that really hit me hard... I was feeling a little down, and Kristina and I watched the season finale of Grey's. At the end, this is what is said:

"Did you say it?
I love you.
I don't ever want to live without you.
You changed my life.
Did you say it?

Make a plan.
Set a goal, work toward it.
But every now and then look around.
Drink it in.

Because this is it.
It might all be gone tomorrow."

They always say to live every day like it's going to be the last one. Does anyone ever really follow this? I try to; I try to let everyone I care about know just how much I love them on a continual basis. If I have specific feelings for someone, I try to tell them without dragging it out because you never know when you're going to be getting the chance again. If I were to be gone tomorrow, I'd like to know that everyone knew just how much they had meant to me.

On that same note, I try to take chances. I try to jump in, live life to the fullest, and experience as much as I am able to experience. If it were the other way around, and someone dear to me was gone tomorrow, I would want to have been able to say that I experienced my time with them to the fullest. Regret is something I try to live my life without, but should I have not taken a risk and told someone or tried something and then they were gone, I know I would have regrets. The fact that I let fear hold me back would eat me up inside; the knowledge that I'd never have another shot at it, would haunt me until the day I died.

Sometimes I watch my friends and family, and I see them hold themselves back when they're afraid. This is the point where I council them to jump in, ignore the fear, and experience things. There has been many a time that I've said

"I would rather try and fail, than live my life with what ifs always following me around."

Sometimes I want to shake them, and tell them that they'll never know unless they try. Life is to be lived to the fullest, not just watching from the sidelines because you're too afraid to get a little dirty.

This also leaves me wondering, if I were gone tomorrow, would those I love feel like they experienced their time with me to the fullest? Or would they have regrets over things they had not done or said to me? 

I refuse to leave things unsaid, and I refuse to have any regrets. I love you all, and if it were all over tomorrow, I'd want you to know just how much you have mattered in my life, and how much I am changed because of it. Leave nothing unsaid, leave nothing unexplored, and make sure you are fulfilled, because tomorrow may never come.

Savior Complex

I've been discussing "Savior Complexes" with one of my very dear friends a lot lately, and having it said that it was thought I was only falling for him because I had a savior complex myself, it has been weighing heavily on my mind. You see, this friend is absolutely amazing, and he has the biggest heart I've ever seen, but to an extreme. He will constantly give everything he has for those he cares about, and never stop to take anything for himself, even when he definitely deserves it.

He's not the only friend I've watched go through this, just the one most prominent in my life right now. In fact, I will fully admit to having had a savior complex in the past. My first few relationships were based somewhat on that need to help, and that complex got me into some serious trouble as well. I am proud to say that after an experience with a damaging ex (which is a long story for another day) I finally learned to take some things for myself and not be taken advantage of. Thinking on that, I can honestly say it was for all the right reasons that I fell for said friend, and be proud of myself for that.

Anyway, at about 1:30am tonight, as I'm writing about the past few days in my paper journal, a thought struck me... It may not be accurate, but it makes valid sense to me, even when I relate it to my past experiences. Let me explain...

People who have a savior complex will most often completely ignore their own needs in order to help others. They will go out of their way to do anything for their friends and lovers, even when they realize they are being taken for granted; they will continue on acting like they don't care that they are constantly being taken from.

Now, in having experienced this before on my own, as well as watching some of my friends go through it, I can see where people with this complex have a massive amount of their own personal trauma and emotional scars. They will undoubtedly pretend those aren't affecting them as they continue on, helping others and ignoring their own damage. All the while, the pain inside gets worse as people continue to take from them, and they start actually believing that they deserve to get treated poorly. Thus, it perpetuates the cycle as they get worse and worse.

Finally, the point! They really want to save themselves! Deep down, they feel like they need saving, yet they're so damaged that they don't know how to deal with it. It's easier to reach out and help someone else with their problems while neglecting their own. However, the need to save themselves is still strong within them, they're just channeling it into what they're doing for other people instead of helping themselves. It stems from self-preservation but quickly turns into self-destruction!

It's so very interesting, the way people work. I can't say that this thought comes to any conclusion, as I still wouldn't be able to tell you how to fix it, but I did find it very interesting and wanted to share my thoughts on it. Right now, I'm seriously contemplating going back to school for psychology. I think I'd really enjoy it.

25 Reminders: Life is Beautiful

Did you know, that I have an amazing life? It may not always be easy, in fact at times it's rather difficult to refrain from laying down and giving up, but that doesn't mean it's terrible. Life is complicated; I have body image issues, financial difficulty, indecision, confusion, loneliness, fear, doubt, loss, heartache, and all of the other things that people experience. However, even through all of this, there are things that remind me that my life is worth living.

Here is a list of some things that remind me that life is beautiful.

1. Amazing friends that are there whenever you need them.
2. Tight hugs when the world seems upside down.
3. Toddlers that say your name over and over again until you're annoyed and finally say "What?!?!?" just so they can respond with "I love you!"
4. Cuddling on the couch, eating junk food and having a QAF marathon with your roomie.
5. Sunday morning breakfast traditions, even when all but one person bails out, because that one person still matters more than they could possibly know.
6. Saturday night game night, sitting around with good friends, joking and competing!
7. French music that you can't understand, but is beautiful none-the-less!
8. Watching a French film and being able to pick out the few words you know, because you're learning the language and get giddy that you can remember things!
9. Old books, the way they smell and the way they look on your bookshelf.
10. Curling up with an inspirational novel, something that lifts your soul, and brightens your day.
11. Wandering through Target, just so you don't have to go home, and so you can spend a few extra minutes talking with a good friend. Whether it's looking for refrigerators or buying twenty dollars worth of jelly beans!
12. Birthday lunches with grandmother's.
13. Getting back to your roots for a day or two/Visiting your family.
14. That feeling of accomplishment when the house is finally clean, or when you finish a huge project that you're proud of.
15. Happiness is a new journal. A beautiful blank journal, just sitting there waiting for you to fill it with your hopes and dreams, lining the pages with memories...
16. Comments on your blogs, photos, pages, anything... Friendly little reminders that people are actually there and paying attention.
17. Songs with lyrics that cut you to the heart, relate to your life, or make you happy when you're feeling blue.
18. Driving. Nothing but you and the open road, music blaring and no destination.
19. Road trips. You and a few friends spending time in a car on vacation. Stopping for snacks, and singing along to musicals at the top of your lungs.
20. Hearing a friend sound more confident when talking about something that used to hurt them more. Listening to their strength and watching with wonder as they grow to new heights and surprise themselves, even though you knew they could do it all along.
21. Knowing that someone noticed little details like the smile in your eyes.
22. Writing again for the first time in years, feeling the creativity flow through you.
23. Walking barefoot through the dirt and grass, feeling the earth beneath your toes and feeling one with the Universe.
24. The first warm sun of spring, bringing the world to life and warming you to the bone.
25. Inside jokes, the kind that make you laugh out loud just because it pops into your head at a random moment.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a list of the top 25 things that remind you to love life... Just thinking about each of these brings a smile to my face, and will cheer me up on my darkest day.

Just re-reading these makes me remember just how much love I have in my heart for those in my life, and how much they truly help to make life worth living. I love you all!

Happy Mother's Day!
I have the best mom in the world!

The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent. - Erich Fromm

Here's to you Mom! For always being there for me as a child and still today. For loving me unconditionally, even when I was trying your patience as hard as I could.

I love you!

Update!

Ok, so the doctors appointment with the Mac Genius did not end well. I walked out of the store feeling like I was going to be bursting into tears! It was so awful! They can't pop out the little metal piece because it's in an enclosed box with no back access. Therefor, I have to replace the entire soundboard. This is going to cost me either $700 in store, or $3oo if I mail it to Apple and wait for them to fix it and mail it back.

They told me to try calling Macdocs or another third party Apple repair shop, because they can make use of used parts instead of putting in new ones, so it should be cheaper. I called Macdocs, and they can't even give me a quote on how much it will be because it's $75 just for the diagnosis and the first hour of service. That bites. So for now, I'm soundless, as I cannot afford to get it fixed. I'm going to let Matt try getting it out with superglue and a toothpick. If it fails, I'm still in the same boat I was in before.

On another note, after all of that bad-day-stuff, Josh and I made our way to SLC for dinner and to try and catch the Star Trek movie since I had a pass for the early showing. However we weren't nearly early enough, so their was a very slim chance we'd get a seat, so we decided just to go wander around.

I took him by this house in SLC that belongs to Kristina's aunt and uncle, we're hoping that their attic apartment is a two bedroom, because they're going to be renting it soon, and it's almost perfect for us! Keep your fingers crossed!

After that we went to the gateway and did some people watching. We went into the planetarium and looked around the gift shop and stumbled across this little guy. (Look at the picture to the left) Isn't he cute? Guess what his name is! Gonorrhea. They're Giant Microbes and they're awesome! Josh got Herpes for himself, and Chlamydia for Angel! How funny is that? It totally made my day better, and even ended with us getting Slurpees on our way home!

Anywho, I'm determined to stop feeling blue about the damn computer and get out of the house today. I really want to go hiking, but haven't heard back from my friend that I invited to go. So for now, I'm going to go look at apartments with Matt, because he wants to move out next week.

Have a brilliant day friends!

Limbo

No matter how great an evening ends, the demons still make their way back to my bedside. I am haunted by questions and things I want to say, but I am afraid. I'm afraid to push it all further away, to fodder the building of those walls higher and higher until I am completely shut out. There are not words to describe how sorry I am that I failed. Failure seems to be the name of the game around me everywhere, and I have no idea how to succeed at anything but it. How can it be, that the universe puts before me a clear task, and yet I still manage to fail? Of my own creation no less; I have failed because I let emotions get in the way of everything I set out to do. My head was clouded with what I wanted, when I was not meant to want or be wanted; I have never been meant for wanting. Oh how human all these emotions seem, when I feel so disconnected from everything, as if I'm an outsider looking in on my own life, and none of it makes sense to me anymore. This heart that beats in my chest cannot decide whether it wants to let go and drift away, or cling more and more to the hope that has occasionally danced up within me. Move forward, stay back, wait it out... All of these things echo within, and yet a conclusion cannot be reached. Call it fear, call it love, call it destiny... Call it Limbo.   

I am searching for a girl. This girl is beautiful, and when she looks into the mirror she recites her daily mantra reminding herself of this fact. She is calm and centered, and not afraid of the world outside of her window. Her fears do not include intimacy, even when that affection is not returned in kind, as she can move forward throughout her life with grace. Callousness eludes her, as she has no walls or boundaries, only love and an open heart expressing her gratitude for every experience life throws her way. I find her; living deep with in me, miles below the surface. My center in the storm, with arms wrapped tightly around my ego, assuring me that I am strong and can keep the winds at bay.

She walks with me, hand-in-hand as I make my way between the worlds, looking for the door, but only catching glimpses though the double paned windows that do not open. They taunt me with the beauty on either side of me, pulling me toward them to gaze through each one at every various path. Pointing me towards the door, but leaving me without the key to turn the locks. Which door will open for me? When will I finally feel the soft soil of my path beneath my toes, and the cool wind of fortune against my cheek?

Softly whispering, the girl that is me turns, reminding me that I am incredibly unbreakable. Many hammers will only barely chip the tip of the iceberg, leaving the entire mountain below unscathed, waiting to emerge as the water subsides and life begins. Every path looks beautiful to me, and I ache to be making my way down any of them, leaving this world of gray confusion behind me as I slowly fade away into the distant stars... Making my way home... Making my way to clarity.

__________________________________________

I've finally written something, it seems the demons bring with their long time hostage that is my muse. I welcome her back, even in small doses, as I have missed the creativity flowing through me and onto the pages, leaving the small stains of my soul splattered across the page in each and every word. Sorrow is beauty, pure and amazing beauty.

Productivity & Optimism

Everyone knows how great it feels to accomplish something, and for the past two days I've been feeling nothing but productive. This is a good thing, because I have to make up for last week when I was both depressed and suffering from the flu, and thus didn't do hardly anything.

Yesterday I managed to take almost a full load of my stuff down to my grandmother's house. I'm going to store it there until I have a new place for it. The plan is to either stay with her for a couple of months, or with my current roommates a bit longer until I get a place with Josh. That's the move I'm super excited for, but we can't do it until he gets back from Europe, so until then my stuff (and myself) has to have a place to stay. We also managed to stop at IKEA and look around. That store has awesome furniture and appliances for pretty cheap! It's really nice!

Today Krisina and I managed to pack several more boxes, organize the entire garage, and fill the van with a multitude of toys and various objects for goodwill. I've been packing up a lot of Matthew's things for him as he's going to be moving out as soon as his VA money comes through and he can afford a new apartment.

Now I'm working through the mountain of laundry in my room and cleaning the kitchen, as my momentum is still going and I don't care to stop it!

So all in all, I'm feeling pretty productive. Well, or was feeling pretty productive until I sat down and broke off the end of the headphone adapter in the headphone jack of my computer! On top of that, the headphone sensor in the jack was already broken so that you can only get sound out of the computer if you have headphones or speakers plugged in. So, as for sound right now, I'm basically hosed! I am extremely frustrated with it, but being the level-head that I can be (on occasion) I made an appointment with the Apple store tomorrow to have them take a look at it and hopefully pop the little piece out and diagnose the previous sensor problem. This means, it may have all been for the better anyway, as I'm still being productive and getting something done! So tomorrow, Lappy will go to the doctors and hopefully be right as rain, and then I am seeing an early showing of Star Trek with one of my best friends! It should be a pretty fulfilling day I hope!

Hey! Did you see that? My optimism is back! It feels so good to be out of the drums and back to functioning, even better than functioning, order! I think my stars are changing, my friends, and it seems like not much can tear me down.

Candle

Candle - The White Tie Affair

I took a ride on a February morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud: I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
My baby's flying off the edge of the road,
She's saying, "I'm so sorry about that note",
That left me all alone,
But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Think,
All the things that you say,
What are the things that you mean,
What are the things that you say to me,
Cuz your tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All these plans for me,
Your kingdom is crumbling,
You're a tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All these plans for me,
Your kingdom is crumbling,

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Burning for you,
Burning like a candle,
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Since I really don't have anything witty to say, I just thought I'd leave some more lyrics that seemed appropriate. We were listening to this in the car today, and a few of the lines really made me stop and think. I really like it! Enjoy!

If It Kills Me

If It Kills Me - Jason Mraz

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

[Chorus:]
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

[Chorus]

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

I'm really digging on this song, I'm listening to it while I work on stuff today... Thought I'd share! :)

Three Word Sentences

Hunt: It's my shrink. My shrink gave me these sentences, we came up with them together. They're all three word sentences so I could have something to say to you instead of the three words that are... That are killing me. The three words that you know I feel but I can't say them, because it would be cruel to say them, because I am no good for you. I don't want to torture you, I don't want to look at you longingly when I know I can't be with you. So yeah, I'm smiling and I'm saying "take care now." I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to let you off the hook.

Is it sad that I find myself relating to the dialogue in a TV show? Oh well, sometimes Hollywood writers can say it so much more eloquently, even if it's not exactly on. :)