Another Weekend Full of Happy

*I am happy that Shawn and I went out for Buffalo Wild Wings on Friday!

*I am happy that I got to see my Kristi and my beautiful goddaughter Kailee this weekend.  I kept thinking that the only thing I wanted when I got home from work was a beer and a hug from the kiddo!

Kristi came down Friday and we all went out to grab Hawaiian BBQ for dinner, we then played Rock Band, and then Maxie came down and we all hung out watching movies until it was time for bed.   I was totally in love with Kailee's outfit, it looks so bohemian/hippie-esque. When I get skinny, I'm totally going to rock boots, mini skirt, vest and headbands! (minus the monkey on her shirt.)

Saturday we got up and went to breakfast, and then Kristi and Kailee went home for the day and the roommate, Max and I went wandering.  First we went clothes shopping for Max, but didn't have much luck finding good stuff.

After that, we wandered Furniture Warehouse since it's closing down.  We decided that when I get a house, I need a Madamme's chair, like you'd see in a whorehouse!

I'm sure the furniture store salesmen thought we were nuts! It was a hell of a good time.

*I'm also happy that I"m now volunteering for Cause for Paws! I get to use my talents to maintain their website and update their blog! Huzzah! Check it out HERE!

*I'm happy that I've been shopping for my package for miss Mamarazzi.  This is going to be such a fun package!

What are you happy about this week?

MM: Turn & Turn Again

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This week's song:

Turn and Turn Again

by All Thieves

What are you listening to this week?

Link Up! 

Grieving

"According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance."

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 2

***

I've been thinking a lot about the five stages of grief (the Kübler-Ross model) lately, and how it affects both the people I know and myself.  I'm in a weird place.  I smile and go through the day like normal, but inside I feel like a can of carbonated emotions that has been shaken so many times it's about to pop and spray everywhere. The hardest part for me is that I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like this.  I shouldn't be having a hard time letting go, I should be able to just pick myself up and move on like I usually do.  It's just not happening.

***

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.  It isn't just death we have to grieve, it's life, it's loss, it's change."  

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 2

***

I've been watching a lot of my friends go through their grieving too, and contemplating how it works for each of us.  I have friends that have experienced deaths both tragic and natural within the past year, divorces that left them aching, and all around life altering change and acceptance of past events they've blocked out for too long already.  They hurt, and I hurt for them as well.  

I'm not very good at knowing what to do or say when they're hurting like that.  I think it's mostly because I don't even know how to handle my own grief.  Everyone reacts differently.  Some people want to be held and around people all the time, and I just want to pretend nothing is wrong until it gets too hard and then I want to shut myself away from the world and be left to it until I'm ready to talk.  Then when I need to talk, I want to process it and regurgitate everything I've been thinking out loud to someone until it actually makes sense to me.

I'm grieving, and I've been having a hard time understanding why exactly I'm grieving so hard.  Why can't I just accept that he's just another asshole ex and move on instead of torturing myself with the process?  I mean it's been years since we were actually in a relationship, the last few years we've just been friends.

This weekend I came to terms with why this has been so hard.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure he's the only one of my exes I've ever actually loved.  Which would make him my first love.  Which means he's stuck being the one I never really let go of completely.  Damn it.  I hate him.

I hate him for using me for as long as he needed me and then just dropping me when he decided he didn't any more, for stopping being my friend so he could sleep with my friend, for pulling me into his life and getting me attached to those children of his and then just shutting me out, for trying to turn my friends against me, for saying hateful things about a mutual friend when that friend needed love most, and for being everything I never thought he was.

Mostly I hate that I know the hate will fade.  I want to hang on to the anger, because angry is so much easier than sadness.  I'd rather hate him than miss him, because I really don't want anything to do with him ever again.  He's proven that he'll never be the person I thought he was.  The hardest part for me is the kids.  I miss them more than my heart can take.

 I've got some healing to do, and I'm not sure where to start.  I'll just keep moving forward and hoping that with a little love and support, the pain I feel will fade as I go.

***

"And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we've got to remember is that it can turn on a dime.  That's how you stay alive.  When it hurts so much you can't breath, that's how you survive.  By remembering that someday, somehow, impossibly, you wont feel this way.  It wont hurt so much.

Grief comes in it's own time for everyone, in it's own way.  So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.  The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can.  

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.  And always, every time, it takes your breath away."

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 2

I Love Pit Bulls

I love Pit Bulls.  I know a lot of people don't, but I can't help it.  Not only are they gorgeous and adorable, but they are the most loyal and loving dogs I've ever met.  I've decided that when I get a house, I want one, so I'll be adopting one from a rescue or shelter.  Adopt not shop.

Source: google.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Miss Angie on Pinterest

Source: m.weheartit.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest

Did you know that Pitties were once considered to be "Nanny dogs". They were loved for their love and calmness with children.

Source: google.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest

Source: yellowdoggrannie.blogspot.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest

I want one so much!
What the hell, I'll probably get one when I get a house. :)

Happy List

This week I'm happy for:

• Game night with friends Friday night.  We got KoKo kitchen and then played Telestrations and it was a laugh and a half.  Seriously one of the most fun games I've played, especially when you play with dirty minded people.
• Comfort food with close friends.  Julie, Josh, and I got burgers Saturday night and then relaxed while catching up on Being Human (UK version).

• Good beer.  I've been on a beer kick lately.  Just one or two here and there and my anxiety level drops considerably.

• My comfy bed.  Seriously, I make this little fort of my down pillows on my nice comfy bed and snuggle up.

• Ortie coming down.  It was kind of a rough day, and Ortie came down Sunday night and somehow made it all better.  She jumped right in and we made Flaming Dr. Peppers before heading out to see Underworld.  She cheered me up!

• Coffee.  I'm always thankful for Coffee..

What are you happy for?

MM: Guns and Horses

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This Week's Song:

Guns and Horses

by Ellie Goulding

I think her voice is so pretty, and had to share!
I don't really relate to it, but I do groove out to it!

Enjoy!

What are you listening to this week?

Confessing About Yum

I Confess that this may be the perfect man:

Source: facebook.com via Aubrey on Pinterest

I confess that I made the most amazing Turkey Burgers the other night.

1.5 lbs fresh ground turkey (from the butcher at Whole Foods)

1.5 cups chopped mushrooms.

1.5 cups cubed cheese

1 handful Cilantro

Blend it all together and cook on the George Foreman Grill for an amazing burger!

I confess I only made them because I needed something to go with this recipe.

Source: thetalkingkitchen.com via Miss Angie on Pinterest

I confess I finally got to try a Blood Orange.

It was sweeter and more mild than a regular orange, and it really looked bloody.

I confess that I've been out to week twice this week and will again tonight.

Wednesday I went and got Pho with Jon, Julie, and Stacey.

Last night I treated my grandmother to Joe's Crab Shack.

Tonight we're all going to KoKo Kitchen for Ramen!

What do you have to confess this week?

A Happy Weekend of Friends and Family

Friday

After work Friday, Josh and I rushed to Zurchers to get costumes for Gay Bingo and it's theme this month which was Mardi Gras.  We bought masks for us and a few friends (I'm so mad I didn't get a picture of Josh in his epic mask, so cool.  Maybe I'll get him to put it on again for me ha!) and we rushed home so I could alter mine with my feathers and glue gun! 

I was happy because Maxie got out of the hospital in time to catch the train down and join us! Also Miss Brittany came for the first time.  I didn't get pictures of Doug and Julie, but Doug won twice!

Then we made it to Tryangles where we hand a few drinks, played a little pool and chatted before heading home for a few drinks and bed.

Saturday

We woke up Saturday morning and Max really wanted to go to IKEA, but first we made the trip out to Magna to go to the Kiwi Bakery there.  I was shocked that a town that was so "podunk" was only 10 minutes from the major metropolitan area.  I also got to see first hand why people always say not to drink the water there-there's a big chemical factory on the hill that has contaminated the water-yuck!

It's a little bakery run by people from New Zealand, and they make Meat Pies, Fish 'n' Chips, and yummy baked goods.  I got a Steak and Cheese meat pie and it was GOOD!

Then we headed to IKEA and wandered about for a good 3 hours.

That evening we drove up to take Max home and visit with the lovely Ortie.  We hung out and watched a few movies and played with her kitty.

Sunday

Sunday was all about family.  We hadn't had a family Christmas party with my dad's sisters in many years, so we hadn't seen most of them (other than I had lunch with Jo and Vickie in December) so we decided instead of waiting for Christmas again, we'd plan a Valentine's day party!  We even got my Grandma Dottie from Vegas to fly in for the day.

It was such a great day! For good measure, here's a picture of it snowing (it lightly snowed yesterday) on my cousin's 1954 Beetle.  So cute!

So I joined Instagram, which is why these pictures are extra cute.

If you play, follow me! I'm mysocalledchaos

If you don't, you should!

Also, Brooke turned me on to StickyGram where you can turn your Instagram photos into cute little magnets! I so love it!

Other things I'm happy about this week: 

• An amazing roommate and best friend who understands and accepts that I get emotional when I get my period-and so me crying randomly once a month (including in the car on the way home Saturday night-lol) it is totally okay.  He's seriously the best person I know and I'm lucky to have him in my life!
• Kelly Clarkson's new song What Doesn't Kill You.  Seriously, I've been rocking out to it and feeling good about leaving exes in the past.  It was my Musical Monday selection this week. 
• That Maxie is healthier and happier, and starting to do better with the world.
• I got to see Jon and Meggy Saturday, they are awesome!
• I'm starting to feel better!

What are you happy about this week?

MM: What Doesn't Kill You

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This week's song:

What Doesn't Kill You

by Kelly Clarkson

You know the bed feels warmer sleeping here alone.

You know I dream in color and do the things I want.

You think you got the best of me

Think you've had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone

Think you left me broken down

Think that I'll come running back

Baby you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong.

[Chorus]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new

They told you I was moving on and over you

You didn't think that I"d come back, I'd come back swingin'

You tried to break me but you see...

[Chorus]

Thanks to you I've got a new thing started 

Thanks to you I'm not the broken hearted

Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me

You know in the end, the day you left was my begninning

In the end...

[Chorus]

***

I SO love this song right now.  It makes me feel stronger just listening to it and reminding myself that I really am better off for all the people I'm leaving in the past.  Plus, it's fun to belt out and rock out to in the car.  :) Enjoy.

What are you listening to?

Link up with me!

I Confess

Aren't we all in some way or another?

I Confess: I am a mess. 

I've been struggling with the fact that I loved someone very much, and then transferred that love into a friendship as much as I could, and then that person could just up and abandon me after years of hard work and me bending over backward for him.  I can't believe most of it was manipulation, and that he obviously never cared enough to not up and just abandon me without real cause.  

The hardest part is that he not only just stopped being my friend over something he made up in his own head, but that he actively tried to manipulate other mutual friends into doing the same to me.  Then to other friends of theirs.  I can't believe someone I truly loved could be that hateful and horrid to people.

Source: google.ca via littlemissdiva on Pinterest

I Confess:  I wish this wasn't an issue.

I wish I could just move on and be all at peace about it because I really don't need people like that in my life.  I think it's just taking time for my heart to break again and then I'll heal.  We never really got a break-up since we moved right into being friends so I guess this is it.

I Confess: I miss these two faces more than I can bear to say.

It's hit me really hard this week, since it's now been months since I've hugged them.  My heart hurts for it.  I want to hold them and talk to them and see how they are.  But I can't.  Because they're his kids.  They're not mine, no matter how motherly I was to them for how long-and since he's cut me out-I lose them too.  I ache to hold them.

I also confess:

• I'm on a "No Dating" kick again. Just not feeling it.  Need some healing first.
• I'm tired of being sick.
• I'm glad that my friend who tried to commit suicide last weekend is getting the help he needs, and now that he's out of the hospital he's coming down to see us.
• Work is stressing me out.  Our tools suck and mis-report, plus we're understaffed, and we're taking the blame for it.
• Gay Bingo is tonight, so that's a win.
• Also I'm getting a big bonus on the 15th because I won some awards at work.
• That whole bonus is going to the flat screen tv and surround sound I just bought off of David.

What do you have to confess?