Haiku Monday: Aquatic Life

Photo from my trip to Patrick's Point last Summer...

Climb out on the rock

Peer into the depths Below

What waits beneath waves?

Hello there Starfish

What story have you for me?

Tales of life below

source

Swimming In the Sea

Something moves against my leg

Fish scales bring on Squeals

This week we're linking up with FISHY2ME and the theme is Aquatic Life.

Haiku Monday

It's been a very long time since I wrote a Haiku, so having seen Becca do it so many times for Haiku Monday I decided to try my hand at it again.  Joining up with Where Whispers Linger for this week's theme which is "Innocent Love".  (As far as I can tell, you just post your haikus in the comments-she judges two, but you can do as many as you want just tell her which ones to judge.)

[source]

To love and be loved

No hidden agenda

Ah, what pure release

To dream of true love

At such a sweet young age

Fairytale Princess

Chaotic and Filled with Wanderlust

I Am

I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust
I wonder when the time will come to move
I hear the elementals whisper "go! go!"
I see glitter-shaped sun spots on the horizon
I want to know what it feels like to fall
I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust

I pretend to be fine with these roots
I feel like I am part of so much more
I touch the hidden corners of my heart
I worry that they'll become eroded over time
I cry because I can't not cry at times like these
I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust

I understand the fine line between crazy and brilliant
I say those differences are a matter of perception
I dream sun-kissed mountain tops and far away places
I try to be everything I know I should be
I hope that I am enough
I am chaotic and filled with wanderlust

If My Life Were a Movie

Prompt: "Your life is being turned into a movie...who will play your cast of characters?"

I thought this would be really fun! 

Playing Me: Melissa Mccarthy

via
Click read more to see the rest of the cast!

This Year in Blog Posts

Joining in on Writers Workshop this week with Mama Kat.  Today's prompt is to choose my favorite blog post from each month of 2011 and share it.  So I'm going to pick my favorites, even if there may be one or two extra in there.

January

20 Ideas to Make 2011 (or any year) the Best Year Ever

I wrote a great post about things you should do to improve your life and make your easy and wonderful! I should take my own advice more often!

Take Responsibility for YOUR Feelings 

A great post explaining why we should take responsibility for the way we feel, and not allow others to affect us so much.  Also, why we shouldn't dwell on the hurt people may inflict, especially if it is unintentional.

In Memory of an Amazing Woman

My friend Megan's mother died.  She was too young to go so quickly, and the hole she left in the world was great.  I never even met her, but attending the wake in support of my dear friend and hearing all the good she had done in the world, and how many lives she affected-really touched me and encouraged me to write this post about how I hope when I go that I will have that many people with that many loving stories to share.

February

Chinese New Year Party

A great photodump of all the pictures I took at my big Chinese New Year party. It was such a great time!

March

Ready to Love Again

It was my Musical Mondays post-a song called Ready to Love Again by Lady Antebellum.  I discussed how I was ready to fall in love again, but how utterly frightened I was to try.  I laid out all of my fears there on the page.

Lonely Can Be Healing if You Make It

I shared this video that I feel is amazing.

April

What's in my Bag?

A cute quick post that shows you what I carry in my purse.

May

You Have an Impact on the World
A great little post about the impact you have on the world, and how you should do your best to make it as positive as possible-because every little thing you do affects the flow of life for yourself and others.

June

Just Once, Understand
A AMAZING quote and image, and how I feel about them.

Currently
A great post that lets you get to know me as I was at that time.  Sharing favorites and talking about things I love.

July

It's the Simple Things
A up-beat post about how the simplest things in life can really make it amazing.

Things I Like About Me
A good list of things I like about myself.

August

A Return to Dating
The story of what finally made me break my year of celibacy and my two year hiatus from dating.  How a simple apology on my part really turned my perspective around.  See also: Emotional Brain Vomit.

September

Spoiling Romance
A lengthy post about how I feel like a lot of the things I do (and probably many other people) during dating can really spoil the romance of the relationship.

Where I'm From
An artistic writing prompt induced poem about where I'm from.

October

In All My 25 Years
A post about 22 life altering things I've experiences so far in my life.

November

Shake It Out
I had a break up of sorts, and this is based on Florence + the Machine's song Shake It Out and how I'm just going to shake off the worry about it.

December

Somebody I Used to Know
A friend of mine decided he no longer wanted to be friends.  This is a friend I have a huge history of and have cared for very deeply-and something silly that he thinks I did (I didn't) caused him to completely throw all of that history and all of my support away.  This talks about how I'm just going to have to move on and he's now just somebody I used to know.

What is your favorite post?
Leave me a link and I'll come check them out!

Where I'm From

I am from summer nights filled with sounds of croaking frogs and chirping crickets, from Otter Pops, and barefoot running wildly through fields with uncut weeds reaching wildly for the sky.

I am from many a home, from basements with grandparents living lives upstairs with ovens filled with rice crispy treats and freezers filled with fudgesicles-to prefabricated ranches on acres of first purchased land. 

I am from the milk thistle, cattails, crabgrass and dirt, the sweet smell of Lilacs, Hibiscus and Mint.

I am from barbeques, daddy daughter time, and elaborate holidays together.  From Cole and Shayla and Ryan.

I am from the homemade Christmas gifts every year and old records blaring the crooners as we sipped on pineapple punch and decorated grand Christmas trees with eclectic ornaments gathered throughout more years lived and filled with love than one could recall.

From "If you make that face, it'll get stuck that way" and "I brought you into this world I can take you out." From words made to scold or cause laughter, but said with love weighing heavily behind them.

I’m from weekends and summers filled with grandparents, camping, rope swings tied to tree branches, king of the hill, going out to dinner, movie nights and back scratches from grandma's loving hands.

From the old house that great grandpa built,  and summers spent stripping fruit from curling vines to make homemade jams and juices that can never be replaced by items purchased. From the swimming pool that brought the entire community together all summer long, and running streets with cousins and not needing to be supervised.

I am from Sundays at church and weekdays filled with Scouting events, seminary, and friends.  From inactive households and forging my own way finding "God", first by their definition and finally my own. From finding peace in something I am NOT from.

I am from parents who did their best to bring us up strong and honest, grandparents who were as close to us as those parents, and love filled memories hanging on the wall-faces smiling back at us reminding us where we're from.

The Giggle Loop

I am an inappropriate laugher.

Always have been and probably always will be.

This is quite an inconvenient habit to have, and almost impossible to break.

Have a quick view of the above video.

That's exactly what it feels like.

(P.S. I love that show.)

When I was a kid if I'd get called to the principals office, I'd laugh as he explained what I'd done wrong.  Then I'd get in more trouble because of course I'm not supposed to think my misdeed is funny-I'm supposed to show solemn regret and promise to never do it again.  The interesting part is that I didn't think it was funny at all, and I was sitting there quivering in fear of the authority figure reading me the riot act-yet little uncomfortable giggles were all I could muster.

Then there was the time I was sitting there watching Titanic, and it gets to the point where Leo's character had finally frozen to death and she peels him off and watches as he sinks down into the water.  Eyes glazed over and hands stretched upwards. I burst out laughing.  To be fair, I couldn't help it because the shot looked so incredibly ridiculous.  Still, it was arguably inappropriate.

It's kind of frustrating, when people don't understand how you could be laughing at something so serious-but at the same time-laughing is better than crying right?

This post brought to you by:

Do you NaNoWriMo?

Who's doing NaNoWriMo this year?

I'm going to attempt to squeeze it in between my long hours and daily responsibilities, but I see it gets a lot of flac about writing crappy novels?  What do you all think? Yay or Nay?

IF you do, add me over there too! My username is agofish.

Let It Go; Let It Be; Let It In.

Dear Heart,

Dear Friend,

Dear Whoever Needs This,

Let it go. Those stories from your past follow you, they walk along behind you constantly whispering warnings in your listening ear.  Telling of lessons learned, and heartaches gained.  Be wary in listening.  Take it in, and let it go.  What has been, has been, and you cannot change it.  With that being the case, what is the point in regret?  Why let it ruin the beauty the future holds?

You're afraid, and you're shaking.  Can't quiet the voices in your head that tell you it might happen again... If you show your true self, will they turn in disgust and walk away?  Demons hiding deep within, if they're exposed will you lose the love you so long for?  You never know until you try, and if you don't, you will never have a chance at it.  Having it and losing it-well, that's better than never experiencing it at all, isn't it?  Even if you only have it for a little while, do you not want to taste it and savor it while it is there?  I promise you, you do.

Let go for the fear you carry, let go of the doubt, worry, and insecurity.  Just be.

Let it be.  Leave it lie there, don't poke it or scare it or try to force it to move.  You can't force things, you can't shape them into what they aren't supposed to be, and attempting to do so will only ruin their natural beauty.  If you take something with so much possibility and interfere, it may never reach full potential, and then what are you left with?  Let things be undefined and simplistic, which is how they are meant to be.  Don't complicate them with how you want them to be, and with your impatience.  Be patient.  Let it be what it is meant to be.

Let it in. Cease to block yourself off from the love those around you are offering. Open yourself up and absorb everything the world has to offer you.  It can be scary, yes, and opening yourself up to all of the good things also leaves you open and vulnerable to the negative things in life.  However, without the bad, how will you ever fully experience the good things life has to offer you?  If you never feel all the heartache and hurt, how do you know to enjoy the happiness when you have it?  How do you know not to take it for granted when life is wonderful?  It will all be worth it, every bit of bad will have been worth it when you find the happiness you've so been searching for.

You deserve to be happy, and you are the only one standing in the way of that.  Manifest your destiny, and be brave as you make your way through all of the obstacles that are between you and your objective.  These are so small compared to the greater gifts that await you at the end of your journey.  Wait for it, fight for it, and make it worth it.

Let it go; let it be, and let it in.

These Scars Remind Me My Past Is Real

Most girls don't like these perminent little marks on their bodies.  They buy creams, they have surgery, anything to remove the remains of previous wounds. 

I'm not most girls; I love my scars.

When I lay in the bathtub and look at my body, I see many markings of what has been, and each one tells a story about me.  I love tracing them with my fingers and remembering what it was in life that left that long pinkish-white mark behind as a souvenier.  It is my belief that the reason some scars never fade is because we were meant to always remember the lesson we learned from it, or those feelings we felt when it happened.

There are multiple scars along the knuckles of both my hands, and I wear them proudly as I remember the teenage angst that led me to the rough fabric wrapped around a punching bag at my parents house.  Most say it wasn't smart to not wear gloves, but besides the obvious impact of releasing my frustration on that heavy bag, in that moment the pain brought me clarity.  Call me a massochist, but as my skin tore against the canvas, the negativity was bled out of me and I felt better.

My upper-right leg has streaks of scars running down it, when I look at them I remember the trip to Lake Powell last summer and how much fun I had.  The pain from falling on the boat and seriously injuring my leg is nothing but a blip in a very pleasant memory.  

My thumb has a scar I earned as a small child when I fell in my great grandmother's basement and caught myself on a wall which had chicken wire on it.  It was nothing, but those grandparents are gone now, and the thin white scar reminds me of them when I look at it.

Even the most recent one I gained on my knee has a purpose, even if the only thing I learned from it was to make sure I close my dresser drawers at night! 

I love my scars, and I think they're beautiful and full of life.

However... Emotional scars are different story for a different day.

This glimpse into my inner psyche, brought to you by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.  Head on over and see what everyone else has to say...

DA Showcase: Oh Little Spider

Another day, and my head is yet again empty of things to write here... Date tonight, otherwise static.  So here's another piece of work from my past...

This is sort of an "adult nursery rhyme" that I wrote a while back, and really loved. 

It's called Oh Little Spider.

Oh little spider on the wall,
sing a song for me.

Remind me that I'm not so small,

help to set me free.

For if I leave this place alive,

I'll surely help you spin.

To exit webbed corridors I strive,

but I'll come back again.

Oh little spider in corner dark,

weave your colorful web;

and in it place a magic spark,

to help to raise the dead.

If this thing for me you do,

I promise yet a wish.

I'll return my love so true,

and bring for you a kiss.

Oh little spider spinning there,

cut the ties that bind.

Set free this maiden oh so fair,

and you shall have what's mine.

This my promise forever I'll keep,

through hell or heaven or war.

Back to this darkness I will seek,

and be forever yours.

©Miss Angie http://awitchkitty.deviantart.com/

Ghosts in Stony Silence

We exist in stony silence now.

It's amusing how I can go to anyone else in this room, and never have to interact with him in any way. Now and again there is the occasional glance as he walks by.  He tries to make eye contact; he wants to catch me looking at him and he wants to make me uncomfortable. 

When will he learn that you don't always get what you want?

I've learned to look right through him, as if he doesn't even exist.  He doesn't exist, other than a shadow out of the corner of my eye.  A ghost that lurks with intent to haunt me, but I'm not afraid of ghosts; I've been dealing with them since I was little. 

Go away silly ghost.  You don't frighten me.

A Hiatus in the Fog

I'm officially on Hiatus.  We went out, we sat down with our coffees, perched in our seats trying to learn about each other.  She was nice, and all of those nice things you might want in someone else; if you want someone else.  Almost instantly, I looked at her face and the realization hit me.  My mindset isn't in the right place for dating, relationships, or even for sex.

The numbness is back, but this time it brings with it a certain element of clarity.  Relationships are troubling and cause your life quite a bit of upheaval.  It doesn't matter if they're good or bad, they take center stage and you have to focus on them; at least you do if you want them to work.  These only work if both people want it to work, and both people try for it to work, that doesn't always happen.

Am I broken?  Well, everyone is broken in some way.  We all come with our share of issues, our baggage upon our backs, and the scars from previous lovers etched forever into us.  Someone betrayed your trust?  You are forever going to question future promises.  Your last lover didn't like something about you?  That will be an insecurity you carry with you along the path you walk.  These things will always be with you, stowed away in some dark corner of your mind, like the shoe box under your bed holding memories... You only pull it out when occasion calls, and it turns up a whole new set of issues with it; at least until you let it go.

Let it go?  How on earth do you let something that hurt you so harshly go?  When an incident so totally broke your heart and shattered your dreams?  The pain becomes so deeply engraved on your very existence it's hard to remember the good times you had from the relationship, and it's hard to walk away and pay attention to the lessons you just learned.  However somewhere through the fog of the anger and hurt, you need to remember to focus on what will get you through.  Put on  your high-beams and trudge through it, because you can make it to the other side.

I don't think that needing a break means I'm broken inside, at least not anymore than average.  This is just the time to step back from it all, and to gather my wits about myself.  There are things that need focusing on, like working as much overtime as humanly possible in order to pay of debt.  Also, the idea of starting my writing back up is titillating, and I must say I'm inspired by a few people that have come into my life right now.  They write so beautifully and eloquently that I can't help but remember the days when I filled my deviantart with poetry, and my computer files with novel ideas.  I really want that back, and to do so I need to spend less time focusing on being in love and finding someone else to make me happy, and spend that time alone with my muse and my heartache.  Heartache makes beautiful writing, and I've so missed the feel of the pen in my hand and the tap tap tap of the keys under my fingers. 

One day my friends, we will find our way through the fog and find that happy medium between happiness and good writing.  When we do, life will be a beautiful place.  Until then, my heart is on vacation.

You Liar Sun, Send Me Snow.

The sun lies to me.

Looking out the window to my left, I see blue skies and rays of sunshine reflecting off of the pavement. Not a leaf is stirred by wind, as it is still and bright out; yet it is a brisk forty-nine degrees. The picture-perfect day I face away from is a facade, much like the smiles many of us wear plastered across our faces like camouflage as we make our way through this masquerade we call life.

Never in my life have I wanted it to snow, like I do now.

When everything is covered in a thick blanket of snow, it is as if the world has stopped to hold it's breath, and when it is not breathing the silence is almost deafening. As the noise stops there is nothing but you and the snow-covered calm. All you can hear is your own heartbeat as you watch the soft flakes drift down through the cloudy haze your own breath makes as it exudes from between your lips and out into the chilly winter air. Oh, to look over and see the world covered in white desolation, and to stop and breath in the beautiful solitude the falling snow brings.

I want the view outside to reflect how I feel inside.

It can only be described as a snowfall, this beautiful sorrow and forlorn feeling I harbor. A sort of detached downpour of emotion, like watching the once green ground slowly being covered in layers of powder-soft ice, becoming deeper and deeper by the hour. Both awe-inspiring and disheartening; both alluring and repulsive, resplendent and disheartening...

I pray for the snow, so I wont feel so alone in this world.

It's a Bitch To Grow Up

I need to start my novel. It's six days into NaNoWriMo and I haven't even written one word. Beth's post on The Snowflake Method keeps me coming back; reading it over and over while trying to figure out how this is done. The years have flown by since I've written anything creative or inspired, and I feel like that small part of me is dead. How do I bring it back to life?

It's been 10 years of investment

It's been one foot in and one out

It's been 4 days of full of shit

and I feel snuffed out

How do I resurrect the heart of that seven year old girl who read her first chapter book and dreamed of one day being the creator of such genius?

It's been 33 years of restraining

Of trying to control this tumult

How I did invest in such fantasy

But my nervous system has worn out

How do I awaken the mind of the sixth grader who wrote stories with disturbing twists and plot lines that shocked her teachers? That provoked thoughts and questions while still inspiring the question "Where did she come up with that?"

How do I reactivate the drive of the teenager hell-bent on becoming a renowned novelist? So much so she had a head full of ideas and a notebook constantly within reach.

I feel done, I feel raked over coals

and all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

How do I rekindle the passion that led to many notebooks filled with mind-writes and poetry? Have I lost the fire and the life within me?

I've repeated this dance ad-nauseum

There's still something to learn that I've not

I'm told to see this as divine perfection

But my bones don't feel this perfection

My Muse has been gone for quite some time, and I worry she may never come back. I fear the stresses of the real world have proven too much for her and she isn't able to handle the constant worry over paying bills, working eight-to-five, putting gas in the car, balancing the checkbook, and making sure I remember to pick up groceries on the way home. She was meant for livelier things like running through the sprinklers at two in the morning or hiking up the mountain barefoot.

I feel done, I feel raked over coals

and all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I've spent life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can't survive what's below

But I've known through the kicking and screaming

That there was no other direction to go

I feel done, I feel raked over coals

and all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I would like her to come back, and I would like to let go of everything that pushes the Muse away. The things in life are not going to change. I still have to work, put gas in the car and stop at the store; but I don't have to stress over it.

Right now, I would really like to "put pen to paper" and write. I miss the feeling that comes when the ideas flow through and become reality, and I miss the way I felt when I used to write. Six days in and still the words have not come, but the weekend is here, and hopefully a little self-reflection will help. It's the first weekend in my new apartment, as I've only been able to be there for a few hours in the evenings and when I'm sleeping. I plan on some more unpacking, self-reflection/meditation, and some quality time with the roommate. Thank the Gods that it's Friday... I've needed it for so long...

Song Lyrics: Alanis Morisette - It's a Bitch to Grow Up

RTT: How Can I Write a Novel in One Month & Learn Spanish by April?

I am finally moved into my apartment! Can you believe it? All of these months of talking about it finally paid off, as Josh and I moved in over the weekend. Our living room is still jam-packed with boxes, the dishes are still half unpacked and waiting to be washed before I stick them in the cupboards, and we have no Internet yet, but everything seems to be coming along fine. I LOVE it so much. I spent the night away from it last night and have been homesick for it ever since, I can't wait for work to be over so I can go home. HOME. What a wonderful word!

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. For those of you who don't know, it's National Novel Writing Month in November, and the idea is that you write a 50,000 word (175 page) novel by midnight on the 30th. To be honest, I haven't even started brainstorming... I'm such a slacker...

Also, I need to learn Spanish. No, I don't necessarily want to, just feel like I need to in order to guarantee myself a job when Tax season is over. The company I work for needs Spanish Speakers really badly, and I have a feeling that if I could start helping with that I could guarantee my position becomes permanent and I wont get laid off after April 15th. I want to stay, I don't want to go looking for another job come April.

In order to Learn Spanish, I'll be putting aside my French studies a little. This makes me really sad, as I actually want to learn French. I may try and learn them at the same time, as long as I don't get things too confused. This might be a good approach for me anyway...

I am so freaking mad at my sister. I can't even begin to express my frustration towards her without various four-letter-words and many adult terms that aren't pretty on the eyes. She has been quite the bridezilla, and me being her maid of honor, I have tried to deal with this to the best of my abilities. Her baccalaureate party was supposed to be at my house Saturday, however none of her friends have cars (LAME) and thus can't make it to my house which is about an hour from them. She was stressing (for about the 1,560, 299th time) and texted me to complain. In the midst of my stress, and my not wanting to deal with her freak-outs, I snapped. Here's the conversation:

Me: Well, I'm sorry. Find somewhere else. I don't
know. I'm too stressed about the important things in my life right now to
add your party to my list!

Sister: Well thank you. Thank you very much.

Me: (Silently raging) Don't you dare be a snotty &!^$#
to me! I'm already trying to do this party when I'm $#!^-*$$ broke as
%$#! and I have NO time-let alone you keep freaking out on me. I
don't know anyone down there anymore. I don't know any of your
friends! I've done ALL THAT I CAN DO. If you want something
different you will have to do it yourself!
Sister: Then don't %$*#*&! do it. Save your money and your time.

Me: I'm sorry, I am completely at my wits end. I just moved in,
have absolutely no money and a full time job. I don't have any resources
left. You should just go out with your friends that night.

She responded a few choice things, but I basically just left it at that and stopped responding. I'm SO not doing this stupid party now, which is good because I couldn't afford it and I doubt I'll have everything unpacked and cleaned up by then anyway. Argh! She was completely ungrateful for any of my effort! I love her, but right now I really hate her too. I'll get over it, I just need to calm down... At least before the 13th, when I have to wear my overly-expensive bridesmaids dress...

***How funny! While I was writing the above rant, my sister texted me to say she was going to a friend's house that night (one of my old friends from HS actually, who happens to know my sister's fiance!) and she invited me to come along. I'm not so mad anymore.

Writers Workshop = Awesome. Sex with David Letterman = Not So Much.

Before I start my Writers Workshop prompts, I figure I'll jump into day 5 of my 30 Days of Awesome. After work last night I went to the grocery store with my good friend Matthew, and took Kristina's daughter Kailee with me. It was fun to hang out with the two of them for a while.
Then, Kristina and I left the kids with her hubby, and we made the drive up to Ogden to drop in on Josh. Yesterday had been such a crappy day for us both, and dropping in on him cheered all three of us up. It was so much fun! Spending a few hours laughing and chatting with two of my favorite people in the world was awesome!

• Days 1-3
• Day 4

Check out Lacey in Love's Awesomeness!

Check out Apartment 513's Awesomeness!

Now on to the prompts! I'm going to try and do all three this week!
1.) What's cooking in YOUR crock pot?
Absolutely nothing. Want to know why? I'll tell you! My crock pot is currently in storage at my grandmother's house until I am able to get my own place. So when Joshy and I find an apartment, then there will be something yummy cooking in my crock pot!
2.) Find your one very favorite picture of Summer and write a poem about it.
Ok, this is just one picture I like from my summer, and it's been forever since I attempted poetry, so here's a Haiku! Hope this works...

Water crash and break

Sand squishing beneath my toes

I feel new again.

3.) Pay tribute to a favorite blogger!

Man, I love so many of the blogs I follow and I love reading them all! Just take a look to the left, I've posted a few lists of read-worthy blogs, and I recommend that you check out each and every one of them! However, here's a few that keep me entertained on a regular basis!

Close Family & Friends

• Clete and Jenny's Clan - My Aunt Jenny.
• Anarchic Wondering - My dear friend Josh's blog.
• In The Arms of The Angels - Adorable Emily's.
• Little Red & Peter Pan - My old HS drama buddy Kara.
• Dawn Breaks Like a Bull From the Hall - HS drama buddy Sam.

Friends I've Made in Bloggy Land

The Un Mom - Keely hosts Tuesday Random Thoughts!

Mama's Losin' It - Mama Kat hosts the Writers Workshop!

Above the Starlit Night - Miss Liss - My old swap pal!

Lacey In Love - Lacey is always so upbeat!

Chelsea Talks Smack - Such an interesting/blunt read!

The Adventures of Candy Graham - This girl is so great!

Blogs I'm Addicted To

• PostSecret - I'm addicted to the secrets. I always see so many of my own!
• Youthful Folly, Jubilance & Hijinx - Up to date on all the latest geekery!
• Satans Book Club - I LOVE banned books and reviews!
• Living a Goddess Life - Tips on produce, sewing, and healthy living!
• Found Cameras & Orphan Pictures - They return lost cameras!

4.) When I look in the mirror...
What I see in the mirror changes, depending on my mood. Some days I can see a confident and beautiful woman who is ready to take on the world. On other days, nothing but insults come to mind and I just berate the girl looking back at me.
5.) The top ten things I'd rather be doing than having sex with David Letterman

• 10. Dying my hair.
• 09. Working
• 08. Doing the dishes (Oh how I hate to wash dishes)
• 07. Organizing something.
• 06. Dating (Dating also sucks)
• 05. Shopping
• 04. Hanging out with people I don't like.
• 03. Attending a baby/bridal shower. (Shiver)
• 02. Having sex with someone else.
• 01. Having sex with anyone else.

*Shudder*

Random Tuesday Thoughts & 100!

Ok, I'm jumping on the Random Tuesday Thoughts bandwagon because I need another excuse to get me writing, and because I do have a lot of random stuff rattling around in my head that I can't tie into a full on blog post. This is awesome, and comes straight to you from The Unmom, but I found out about from Miss Candy, and send out a big thanks to my newest bloggy buddy for the heads up!

Random Thought #1: I was completely tickled to hear that everyone liked my drawings from my Fairytale Friday post. Most especially, I was delight to hear Max tell me that when he looked at it, the first thought in his head was "Finally! She puts up a picture of me that I like." Yes, that tickled me right down to my little toes. Here it is again folks, Max would be the redhead on the left holding the Settlers of Catan. Love that pessimistic-ginger-kid.

Random Thought #2: Sunday Morning Breakfast. I have missed this tradition like you wouldn't believe, and this Sunday found Josh and I sitting at the Eastside Diner for breakfast again. It would have been fun having more of the crew around, but I was so glad to be having our tradition again with one of my best friends that it didn't matter! For the record, the Eastside Diner is a lot like the Star Cafe, only as Josh pointed out, the bacon is better.

Random Thought #3: Kevin Smith is having a 24 hour tweet-a-thon on Twitter as we speak, and his responses are flooding my Twitter. What do I think of that? Rock-the-freak-on! This guy is funny as hell and I've had an awesome time reading them tonight! I think he's doing this to promote his new book coming out on the 22nd. Shhh! Don't tell anyone, but I think that's a great idea for a xmas gift for Angel...

Random Thought #4: So I've been trying to figure out what to be for Halloween, and then I remember out of the blue today what I had planned months ago. I told Josh I would put together this costume, because as Angel, he and I sat around and played Street Fighter one night, I decided I liked C. Viper. So yes, I'm going to be C. Viper for Halloween. I better get working on my costume as much as I can...


Random Thought #5: I interviewed with a job at World Financial Group last week. Well, it turns out it's not really a job, but more a career that I have to be licensed in. I have to pay the State of Utah for my license, which will be $300, and I would get an education from the guy who interviewed me. While it's completely commission based, he thinks I'd be great for it, and since I really don't have a whole list of options right now, I think I might just try it. However, I don't have the money for the license now, so hopefully I can put that off.

Random Thought #6: I have to put off another Dental appointment today. This really sucks, because last week they sent me home because I was getting sick and the Dentist didn't want it, so the rescheduled for today. However, as I am still coughing a lot, I'm sure he doesn't want me coming in still. I guess they'd better give me a couple weeks to get over it, even though I'm pretty sure it's not a cold, just my asthma from all the smoke, but I see why they don't want to take chances.

Random Thought #7: I am making my peace with what I cannot have, and getting over what was never meant to be. For example, my last attempt at a relationship failed horribly, and I was mourning that fact. Really though, why was I mourning something that never really flourished at all? I suppose it was more the idea of what we could have had. In any case I need to make a clean break right now and get back into the dating world. This is both scary and exhilarating!

Random Thought #8: Angel and I are now both living vicariously through Josh as we both suspect his love life is going to be turning around rather quickly. In fact, not only do we suspect, but Angel, Ortie and I all gave him our "pussy-power" in order for him to start having all the luck. Put it to good use boy!

Random Thought #9: Max gave my number to his super hot brother. Whether or not he calls, it's up in the air and honestly, I'm fully living a "whatever will be will be" mentality here. I just think it's awesome that he did. Haha!

Random Thought #10: Pizza and beer with a super great bunch of friends=awesome. I was soooooo glad Matt could come and get out of the house and be with friends again!

Random Thought #11: Josh is the most-uber-awesome person ever. Why's that? Because the lucky-stiff got himself a new Macbook (which I have drooled over it's beauty) which just-so-happened to come with a free iPod touch, which he just-so-happens to be selling to me! Yay! We don't have it yet, they were out at the store.

Random Thought #12: On that same note, the Weber State Apple Store is not-quite-so-awesome (at least right now, usually they're great!) because they didn't have said iPod touch in and now we have to wait for it to come in and then for them to call Josh to say they have it... I. Can't. Bloody. Wait. Much. Longer. Well ok, I can wait as long as needs be, I'm just super excited.

Random Thought #13: Last one I swear-13 is a good ending number, eh? This is my 100th post! Wow! I'm excited that I have now written 100 blogs on blogger.com and that I am still loving it and going strong! I love all of you bloggy friends mucho! *Hugs and kisses to you all!*

Writers Workshop: If These Walls Could Talk.

Ok, so I told myself I was going to start participating in these writers workshops over at Mamma Kat's blog again. She usually has really great prompts, and I need to keep my creative juices flowing or I'll never sit down and write my books which also means I'll never become a writer; which is my life-long dream. So here it is.

If these walls could talk... They would tell you my entire life story, starting from when I was one year old and my grandmother bought this house. Oh the things this house has seen and been through! It would start with a grandmother, who loved her grandchildren more than anything in the world and from the first week her oldest grandchild was born, she began taking her for sleepovers on the weekend. Here this child learned how to care for animals and love all creatures equally. Within these walls, a small life was shaped and formed; setting the groundwork for what was to come.


If these walls could talk... They would show you the development of that blond little girl as her hair darkened and she became an awkward teenager. A girl with insecurities who became stronger because she was teased about her weight. Not knowing how to dress, or how to feel better about herself, she let her friends use her any way they could. However, as this girl grew older and older, she never stopped running to grandma's house to hide away. Here everything in the world seemed better, and when she was homesick, it wasn't for her own bedroom, but for these walls.


If these walls could talk... They would tell you how that girl grew older, and graduated high school. How she finally learned to dress and accentuate her body type. They would tell you of her first boyfriend whom she abandoned these walls for, but still brought here at Christmas time. These walls would tell you of the countless times she even escaped here as she grew into an adult and started making her way in the world, and of countless other boyfriends and dates she experienced.

If these walls could talk... They would whisper ever-so-softly the secrets of the girl, who is now grown and yet still spinning around. You'd hear how strong she's become on the outside, even when everything seems to be crashing down around her and there is nothing but chaos within. How she spends as much time with her friends as she can, because they are the people who most complete her life, even though she longs for something more... She longs to be held at night. These walls would betray her as they told you that no matter how much she protests she still aches to settle down, and to find that one person who fulfills her life and wishes to grow old with her. But she'll keep waiting, and these walls will keep building her secrets as long as they are there.


If these walls could talk... I would beg them to be tactful as they spoke.

Ten Things I've Left Unsaid

Yeah, I know I've done this before... But it was a writing prompt over at Mamma Kat's, and I've not been doing any of them lately (I know, kick me in the but) and thought I'd participate after reading being inspired by the beautiful Lacey over at Lacey in Love. So here it is.

10. Sometimes I completely hate the way you treat other people, especially your family. It hurts me to think that at one point in our childhood we were so close, and now all you are cynical and self-righteous. I will love you forever, but that doesn't mean I have to like you, because you don't treat anyone like you want them to like you. You're condescending, and for someone who is still young and immature, you act like you know everything and that no one else can be right. Grow up, then learn to love and treat people with respect.

09. I love you both so much, I wish you could just bury the hatchet and forget the past. I wish you could at least be semi-civil to each other so we can all hang out again. I don't know when I'm going to be able to invite you guys to the same functions, and that really really bothers me. However, no matter what happens, I'll still love you both and will still never pick a side.

08. I think you're too young, and it hasn't been long enough. But it's your life, and your decision and I'll still be here to support you in it.

07. Sometimes you drive me absolutely insane, you're overbearing and pushy, but I realize you do it out of love. I love you so much, I don't know what I'll ever do without you.

06. I really really really hope you two hook up! ;)

07. I took a month away to right myself and my emotions, and as far as I can tell it worked splendidly. I've managed to bury the extra emotions deep enough that we can just be friends and go on living our lives. I'm so glad that you're my friend, I just wish that you could take what happened then between us and use it to learn from. You need to see things more clearly sometimes, instead of letting your own self-hatred cloud reality. You really are amazing.

05. I've been so grateful to have someone to talk to that understands what I'm going through, I'm just sorry you have to be going through something similar... Something worse... I love you though!

04. I can't believe the way you two fight sometimes, it's like you don't even love each other anymore. I love you both and I really hope you can work it out or go your separate ways and be friends. Staying together for the kids isn't always a good thing, even if they have a split-up household rather than a dysfunctional example of a relationship. I really want you guys to be happy.

03. We fight a lot, but I still love you. Perhaps we fight because I'm so much like you, except that I'm much more open-minded. I wish you could see that it's my life and I see things more differently than you, that doesn't mean I think your wrong, I just think we all live our lives differently.

02. I miss you very very much! Come back home!

and...

01. I have this feeling about you... It's crazy, but you make me think about babies and picket fences and all of those things that should really freak me out, but don't when you're in the picture. You ignite such passion within me, whether it's shouting "I love you!" from the rooftops, or getting me all fired up with anger, it's because you inspire me so... I wish our timing could be better, I wish we could for once in our totally muddled relationship could feel the same thing at the same time, but it doesn't seem to be happening... You were ready, and I was scared, now I'm ready and you're not there to be ready with... I can honestly say I don't know what to do. A very large part of me wants to wait for you, but then logic kicks in and says "what if he's never ready? What if you spend all this time waiting and miss out on life because it fails in the end?" So I think I just have to go on living my life for now, and keep some small hope tucked away that eventually we'll end up together, at the right time and place. If not, I will make it past the initial sadness and be grateful for the experiences we had together... I will keep them as fond memories. You do mean so much to me.