My Heart's Too Big for My Own Body

Sometimes I think my heart is too big.  Too big for it's allowed to do, too big for the people I love, and even maybe too big for me.  All I want to do is be able to open myself up to loving without the aching, but that seems impossible.  I love with everything I have and then some-I love until it hurts, and hurt it does.  Why can't I just love without letting it tear me apart from the chest out?

I love everyone.  I love my friends, my family, perfect strangers, and the men I date-whether I'm "in love" with them or not, I love them all a little, to varying levels.  All of these loves hurt sometimes, that's just part of life and it's something you come to expect from the world.  There are wars, there are mistakes, and there is so much room for error.  We're all just human after all.  We're all just hurting in some way or another.  We're all damaged and sometimes we take that damage out on other people, sometimes we sit alone in our homes and swim in our own damage, and sometimes we work on our damage.  Life is a cycle, we've all been beaten and bruised, and we all have to accept that in one another also.

Most of the time, I love that I love everyone and feel like good about loving and continuing to love even when I'm not loved back.  It just keeps going.  This heart of mine keeps beating, and I just keep on loving.  Sometimes though, I wish I could love just a little less.  I wish I could hold onto some of that love for myself instead of giving it all away... Instead of pouring it into the people I want to pour it into me... Because they're not always capable of filling me up as I try to fill them.

And that's okay.  You can't go around loving and expect everyone to just love you back.  You have to give without expecting to receive, and you have to accept people for who they are and what they're capable of.

But sometimes?  Sometimes it's hard.  It's especially hard when you don't save a little of your love for yourself.  I'd really like to learn to save some love for myself so that when I run into those moments where someone can't give me the love back I'll be okay.  I'd like to be able to focus on other things, and enjoy life without torturing myself wondering why they can't (or won't) love me back.

I'm going to go ahead and end here by admitting that I may have already had two glasses of wine and listened to this song three times while I cried. MAY. Okay, I did. This song just resonates with me, as most of Mary Lambert's songs do.

This week's song: 

Monochromatic

by Mary Lambert

Every morning it's the same thing

Sidewalks of people with who cares stares

My heart's too big for this city

My heart's too big for my own body

My heart's too big for you to understand me

When I close my eyes I dream in color

My life's in black and white, will it ever get better?

I'm not monochromatic

Nobody is monochromatic

Everybody is hurting

There's nothing more human than that

See the pieces of hearts missing

Watch how the light fills the cracks

My heart's too big for this city

My heart's too big for my own body

My heart's too big for you to understand me

Please understand me

When I close my eyes I dream in color

My life's in lack and white, will it ever get better?

I'm not monochromatic

Nobody is monochromatic

You're not monochromatic

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com/search/label/Musical%20Mondays" target="blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtV_QpFuWBTwQpTCc7Em7jiVq3BuJNTezvriGP4loOKnoXMiFwZDw6ALEWjpQEnPKkrCx8OiyOvKnv2NLAUTGqO4Hn9gOlsd4Nor5UZo-V1r7oJmiivpnKAyRwYwT5eXlui8JBFkybxUJN/s1600/MMNewButton.jpg" alt="Musical Mondays at My So-Called Chaos></a>

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where you can share songs or other music-related posts each Monday and link up with the linky.  Then you can enter the monthly giveaway and visit the other music posts linked up. To join us:

• Write a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
• Include the Musical Mondays button (code below) and/or a link back.
• Link-up in the linky below. (NEW-It's going to be a month long linky, so feel free to add links through the month!)
• Visit other Musical Monday links in the linky.
• Enter the Giveaway below.

This month's giveaway is for a $10 Amazon eGift card!  You can spend it on music, books, or whatever your heart desires.  If international, I will just do $10 Paypal Cash.  Giveaway is open Worldwide and ends on July 1st at 12AM.  Entering below agrees to all terms and conditions within the Rafflecopter.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Musical Mondays: Rebel Heart

This past Saturday I turned 29.  I celebrated with a few close friends for what will probably be the last party thrown in an apartment that has hosted so many wonderful ones throughout the years.  It's only natural that with everything going on, coupled with a birthday, I should be feeling a little introspective. I can't help but feel like I've kind of made it through... I mean I understand that there are so many more years ahead of me that will be filled with good times and bad things.  Years that will be filled with new lessons learned, heartbreak, and a million new experiences.  But the last 29 years?  I made it through.

My friend Jan looked at me the other night as I was offering her advice on dating (it's okay to laugh here lol) and she said "I look at you and I don't know how you do it.  But I want to.  You are at such an amazing time in your life and you are so independent."  I think it was right there at that moment when it hit me that everything she'd just said was right.  I am standing on my own two feet, and damn that feels good.

Here I am, 29 years old and I have so much going for me.  I'm in school, I own my own car (two actually until my brother pays the one he's driving off!), I have a good job with grown-up benefits, and I'm buying a house.  On. My. Own.

I spent a good chunk of my twenties waiting for "Mr. Right" to come along.  I met a lot of "Mr. Right Now", and a lot of "Mr. Totally Wrong For Me", but never the right person who would love me back as much as I loved them, or who would be on the same page at the same time with me enough to try for something real. There were all these things I told myself I would do when I met "Mr. Right", and buying a house was one of them.  Buying a house is such a huge responsibility.  It requires a lot of money, time, and adult decision making-it all just sounded so much easier with a partner.  But he never came, and I finally stopped waiting and decided to just buy a house on my own.

It is both the scariest and most empowering thing I've ever done.  The scary part is understandable, but the empowering part comes from a place where I am doing this without anyone else making the decisions for me, or anyone else providing money for it... Just me.  I'm sure I"ll have a lot of help from friends and family with the process-I've already been talked down from the ledge a few times, and my friends and family have provided very valuable input-they're great like that; but the main stuff?  That's all me.

And "Mr. Right"?  Maybe he'll turn up one day, or maybe he wont, but either way I'm going to be just fine, better than fine...  I'm kind of amazing at 29 years old.

This week's song:

Rebel Heart

by Madonna

The Weekly Round-Up: My Favorite January Love Yourself Posts

Well, yes... I'm a little lot behind on getting everything done for January-but we had a great turn out for our January Love Yourself Challenge.  Thanks to everyone who joined us and worked on loving themselves more.  This was supposed to go up last week but that failed-oops!  So I have it for you today.

As we stated in our first post, each month we'll be featuring one blogger who linked up with us-our favorite post from the month.  Kenzie shared three posts  she chose (and they were good ones) and so I wanted to share a couple different posts.  I decided to link this up with my Weekly Round-Up post this week too-so here you go-five posts I loved just from the Love Yourself challenge.

♥ Love and Lighthouses shared a great list of the things she loves about herself-it's so great to hear it and I hope it was great for her to write it too.  It's always great to even stop and remind yourself how great you are-we forget too often!

♥ Anchor in the Stratosphere wrote about loving all of her broken pieces-which is a great place to be in.  Instead of letting those pieces continue to haunt you for the rest of your life, reacting with kindness and embracing them really helps you get past it!

♥ The Katherine Wheel chose the word "Present" for her 2015 word of the year, and I couldn't agree or love it more!  It's a perfect word and I think we all need to take the time to remind ourselves to be more present.

♥ Kimi Who wrote a fantastic letter to her teenage self, and I really thought it was brave!

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com" target="blank"><img src="http://i725.photobucket.com/albums/ww257/agofish/For%20Blog/WeeklyRoundUpButton_zps0b87b3d9.jpg" alt="The Weekly Round-Up"></a>

How this works:

1. Follow your hosts Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos and Aubrey at High-Heeled Love.
2. Write up a blog post sharing some of your favorite posts this week from other bloggers.
3. Add the Weekly Round-Up Button (code above) and/or a link back to your blog post.
4. Link-up with our weekly linky party on Sundays.
5. Visit other party-people to see what posts they liked this week!

Handmade Love: Love Yourself

1. Just Be Yourself Baseball Raglan Shirt from Studio Mucci
2. Practice Self Love Hand Stamped Copper Bracelet from MY PEACE of Jewelry
3. I Am Loved Scrabble Tile Necklace from WiReD Boutique
4. Bee You Encouraging Mole Skin Notebook from Made in Neverland
5. Sex and the City Carrie Bradshaw Quote Throw Pillow from Rebecca McCreary  Photography and Design
6. Love Yourself Embroidery Hoop Art from thimbleandthistle
7. I Woke Up Like This #Flawless Mug from Fox and Clover Gift Boutique
8. Strong Beautiful and Brave Print from Nan Lawson
9. You Are Enough 8x10 Print from Pen and Paint
10. Perfectly Whole Healthy Blossoming Lotus Pose Yoga Print from Noelle Rollins' Art
11. I Love Who I Am Illustration from Studio 3 Ten
12. Fierce Original Mini Drawing from Love, Teacup Kisses
13. I Love You Forever Necklace from FMJ Creation
14. Love Light Up Bottle from Light Up Bottles by Live Steamy
15. Believe in Your Beauty Print from Just Mary Designs
16. Pleated Wristlet Purse from Oyeta

Which item would you like around as a reminder to love yourself?

12X30 Challenge January: The Love Yourself Challenge

<a href="http://www.mysocalledchaos.com/2014/12/12x30-challenge-january-love-yourself.html" target="blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgACVwjvy7LPfUHGGaX-N9aj5CYPNJMnLGsNK3ZUgmBOENs4NFcFVdynDbjOtYNnSwrKCQcrrYaxq7s-cEew_Bh20D0OttPNWl1Bw8xaK-YIMKq4xaU5yATxB3M53AzL4BvT2PSOjbGSJTM/s1600/Love+Yourself+Challenge.jpg" alt="12X30 Challenge January: The Love Yourself Challenge"></a>

This month, the challenge is all about loving yourself.  That means focusing on yourself and working on doing things that promote self-love and help you see yourself in a more loving way.  We all struggle with self doubt and low self-confidence sometimes (some more than others) and it's important that we learn to love and respect ourselves.  So this January, join us in a month-long challenge where we work on the love for our own selves.

Here is a list of things you can do this month to love and honor yourself:

• Compliment yourself.  Every day you look in the mirror, take a moment to smile at yourself out loud.  Even if you feel like it's a lie at the time, studies show that the more you say it out loud the more your brain remembers and believes it as truth!
• Practice your passion.  There's something you love doing and/or are good at but don't get enough time for it.  This month, schedule a little extra time for that thing (whether it's reading, making art, dancing, etc.) and make sure you get to work on your passion.
• Pamper yourself.  Take some time this month for a pedicure, spa day, massage, etc.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.  We all do it, and it's never good for us.  If you catch yourself slipping into a comparison make a mental note to stop and remember that everyone is different, and differences are beautiful!  This is a good time to compliment yourself on something too!
• Reward yourself for your accomplishments.  Did you get 100% on a test? Did you reach a goal you'd set or finish a big project?  Reward yourself and celebrate!
• Take a little extra time on your appearance.  When you feel pretty, your day goes a whole lot more smoothly.  So add a coat of mascara or lip gloss even when just running to the store, or put together a new outfit you feel pretty in and wear it out, anything that makes you feel a little extra pretty this month.  Hey, even if it's just around the house and you want to wear your cute underwear no one can see, you'll feel great!
• Start a Self-Love journal.  It can be a nice journal or a notebook, but take a little time each day to write down things you love about yourself, and use it as a great place to work through any issues you may have that need writing out.
• Take your daily vitamins.  I'm bad at this, but they're good for you so I'm going to work on it!
• Exercise.  Studies show that this actually helps fight depression and anxiety by raising serotonin levels.  Plus, you'll feel great and accomplished for doing it.
• Let go of the past and focus on the future.  The past is the past and you can't change it now, take some time (maybe in your journal or on your blog) to think about the things you're still carrying around with you, and then let them go.  Instead, focus on where you want to be in the future, and how you want your life to feel right now.
• Give yourself a pep talk and believe in yourself.  Have a little faith.  Going for a big promotion? Want to start something new?  Psych yourself up with a pep talk and tell yourself that you have total confidence in yourself.  Just telling yourself you believe will help you believe.
• Laugh at yourself.  We all make mistakes.  We all do silly things like put our clothes on backwards or break dishes-it happens.  When you feel yourself getting upset take a moment to laugh at yourself.  Laughter eases tension and helps us not take ourselves so seriously.
• Be less judgmental of others.  Mirrors are a powerful thing, so when you're judging someone else it's likely because it's something you don't like about yourself.  When you catch yourself starting to be judgmental of someone, take a moment to stop and think about how that judgement applies to yourself, and then decide how important it is.  If it's something silly, try and love that flaw; if it's something you can't stand, think about how you can work on it instead.
• Stop being a people pleaser.  Yes, doing nice things for other people are great, but not to the point where it's harming your sense of self or well-being.  Learn to say "no" when you need to in order to keep your own sanity.  A healthier you provides healthier relationships, even if you're not bending to someone's every whim.

Great right? Now how can you participate and link up with us?  Here are some ideas! 

• Selfie Sunday: Every Sunday take a selfie and post it on Instagram. Hashtag it with #SelfieSunday and #12X30Challenge so we can check it out!  You can link up that instagram post with out linky, or you can post it to your blog and link that up.   Ignore the haters that say selfies are vane, selfies promote self-love!  Make sure to write some things you love about yourself in the caption for extra love.
• Tweet/Facebook It: Each day tweet or facebook something you love about yourself and use the #12X30Challenge hashtag in your post!  At the end of the month, write a blog post with all of the tweets/posts in it and link up with us!
• Blog About It: Throughout this month blog about loving yourself!  We have some blogging prompts down below-so make sure to check them out for inspiration and then link up your blog posts (please include the 12X30 Challenge button of the month) with us!

Want some inspiration?  Here are some great blogging prompts for the month.  If you do them, make sure to include the button and link up with us in the linky at the bottom of this post.

• What I Love About Myself. Write a blog post listing 30 things you love about yourself.
• Dear Teenage Me.  Write a letter to your teenage self and tell them all the things you wish you'd known back then, and all the things you love about your life now.
• Dear Future Me.  Write a letter to yourself in ten years, tell them all the things you hope theyr remember, and what you hope for yourself at that time.
• The Happiest Photos.  Photos are great ways to remember the good times, share the top 10 photos in your albums that make you happiest when you look at them, and tell us about each one!
• 2015 Word of the Year.  Pick a 2015 word of the year, and tell us all about why you chose it.
• The Ones Who Love Me Like I Should Love Me.  Make a list of the people in your life who truly support and love you, and share your gratitude with them!  Chances are, these are the people who love you the way you should love you, talk about how they do and how you can learn to love yourself in the ways they love you.
• My Myers/Briggs Persona.  Take the Myers/Briggs Personality test to see what kind of personality you have, and then share the results and talk about how you think it's accurate or inaccurate!
• If My Body Could Talk.  Take a moment and listen to your body, then write a post about what your body would tell you if it could talk.  Think about that response, are you being nice to it?  If not, what can you change to be better?
• My Love Language.  Take the Love Language Profile Test and find out what your love language is. Share it, and write about the accuracy/inaccuracy and how the people in your life interact with you and how it affects your love language.  Also, write about how you express your love through that language and how those around you react.  Maybe have some of your nearest and dearest take the test and weigh in as well! 
• My Favorite Place.  Where do you go to feel happy?  Take us on a tour and tell us about it!
• The Words I Need To Hear.  Write the words you need to hear, no matter what they are.
• I'm Inspired By... Write down all the things you're most inspired by.  Whether it's books, movies, quotes, people, current events, etc.
• Myself in 10 Words.  Using only 10 words (no more or no less) describe yourself.  Then react to that statement.

You don't have to do all, or even any, of these-but they make for some great post material!  Honestly, anything self-love related that you want to link up is good too!  I'm going to try to do as many of these posts as I can this month-I think it'll be a great way to work on loving myself.

Link up any related posts throughout the month below!

Don't forget that Kenzie and I will be sharing our favorites at the end of the month too!

An InLinkz Link-up

All About That Bass {Musical Mondays & Giveaway)

This week's song:

All About That Bass

by Meghan Trainor

Childless

Do you have children?  It's a question you're asked a lot by a vast majority of people, sometimes several times during a week.  In a state (Utah) where the average marrying age for women is 23 and 26 for men (the lowest in the nation with the national average being 28 for men and 26 for women), and where most often it feels a lot more like 19 is the average, being a 27 year old girl with no husband and no children can sometimes feel a lot like being the "old maid" when you respond with  "No, I'm single and childless" and get typical "Oh, I see." response.

Now, it doesn't bother me at all to be asked-I understand why it's a popular question.  People want to connect with each other in any way they can.  Mothers want to be friends with other Mothers, those of us that don't have kids like to be able to relate a little, and honestly when it comes to dating that's something important you should know before proceeding.  The harder question to answer is Do you want kids?

It's a question that has been on my mind for the vast majority of my adult life.  Growing up I never really thought about it, but as you start dating and looking for potential partners it's something that comes up and starts needing to be addressed-and let's face it-they want to know. For the first half of my twenties I thought I desperately needed to have children one day, even though I wasn't really in a rush to get started.

When I got into my first relationship at 19 it was definitely an issue.  My boyfriend was adamant that he never wanted children, mostly due to the really rough childhood he'd had and the mental illness that ran in his family.  I bounced between denying that I wanted them, and thinking that one day he'd change his mind.  (One bit of advice ladies, don't ever expect someone to change their minds-you can't base a future on that.)  So I pushed it back, we were young and it wasn't something that needed to be addressed at that moment anyway.  We didn't last due to completely unrelated issues, so it was never something we had to worry about.

After that, I dated a lot of guys who said they didn't want children.  It never really mattered too much, I kept with the same denial I had started with, but mostly I never got as far in those relationships to wonder if it mattered.  Then I met [Sneeze].  He was so badly burned from a previous divorce that he swore up and down that he never wanted to get married again or have any more children, but he had two.  They were good kids and I came to love and raise them as my own during the times that we had them, I was a second mother to them.  But eventually that came to an end, and since they weren't really my children I had to let them go.  That may have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

These days I find that the older I get, the less it matters and the less it's on my mind.  Maybe my biological clock has finally given up on me, but I no longer get "baby hungry", and I find that I rather enjoy being childless.  Don't get me wrong, I love kids-I like them once they get to the cute age where they start doing stuff (you know, once they're out of the "loaf of bread" stage where all they do is eat, sleep, and cry) and I love spending time with my god-kids and friends' kids.  They're fantastic.

What I also love though, is not having to wake up a hundred times a night to a screaming baby.  I like my mostly disposable income, not needing to find a babysitter when I go out, and having alone time.  It's not about being selfish-or maybe it is-but I don't think I should give all of that up just because society tells me I'm supposed to want and have children.

Can I honestly say I do or don't want children? No.  I'm still undecided.  I figure in time it'll work itself out when it needs to and I'm in no rush to figure it all out.  I know I tend to lean towards the idea of adopting children much more than the thought of having my own, and I know that if I ever decide to have kids I will be a damn good mother since I've had lots of practice already, but that doesn't mean that is how it'll end up.  For now, I'm finally alright without the rush.  It's not something that has to be decided right now-when did we all forget how to take our time and enjoy the ride?  I'll get to that decision when I get to it.

What about you?  How do you feel on the subject?

Being a Girl is Ridiculous But... Speaking Your Truth Isn't

I confess... I'm starting to see myself in new ways that I never thought were truly possible.  Last night I stood in front of the mirror in my ugly old Eeyore PJ pants and a tank top-no shaper top to control my rolls, hair a mess, and just looked at myself in the mirror.  I liked what I saw.  I'm still working on getting in shape and improving this body of mine, but for once in my life I'm starting to truly love what I've got in the meantime.  There's something truly amazing about that.

Even a midst this week of hormones (ugh, I totally know what's coming next week when I get all weepy for no good reason-being a girl is ridiculous!) I could truly look at myself and think "Wow, I'm gorgeous." and even more shockingly I found myself thinking "I love this body of mine-even this big ass!" without feeling like they were empty words.  It was one of the best things I've felt in a long long time.

I confess... It's pretty much winter coat weather, and I don't mind one bit.  We had our first real snowfall on Sunday and I found myself staring out the window that night after everyone had gone to bed and contemplating the falling flakes.  I quickly threw on my sweater and boots and went out to stand in the middle of the yard, face up and staring at the sky, wishing for everything and nothing all at once.  I love that sweet stillness a quiet snowfall brings-it's perfect for contemplation.

I confess... It doesn't hurt that winter clothing is adorable too.  I'm loving wearing sweaters and my winter coat again-I even bought a pair of snow boots finally so I wont freeze trekking to my car this winter.

I confess... I ordered this adorable little Brad & Janet print from Pretty Clementine and I could not be happier with it.  Isn't it just fantastically sweet and geek-tastic all at once?  I'm going to frame it and put it up in the vanity area where I get ready for work each day.  So cute!  Doesn't hurt that it was only $5.

I confess... I've been thinking a lot about risk these days.  When I was younger I was never really afraid, at least not enough to let it persuade me not to do things.  I took chances, and I was happier for it.  Somewhere over the last few years I've developed this fear, or hesitancy rather, that has made me that kid at the top of the slide (as the quote indicates) and kept me from putting myself out there.  I'm done with it.  It makes life a lot less fun and it causes way more stress than it needs to, this letting fear control you.

There are lines in the song Love Me by Katy Perry that I mentioned on Monday that say "No more second guesses, No there's no more questing" and also "No concealing my feelings" that I've taken to heart.  I'm done being afraid to just go after the things I want or to speak my truth.  So this weekend I mustered up the courage (with the aid of a little too much liquid courage) to tell someone how I felt about them, and I have no regrets.  Who knows what will come of it?  I surely don't, but I feel better for having said it and am filled with hope and optimism-which is a nice feeling.

Lastly, I'm leaving you this lovely Friday with the above video.  It's about speaking your truth and coming out of your proverbial closet-whatever it may be.  (And no, we're not just talking about closets with rainbow colored walls, as she says.)

Happy Friday!

Linking up with:

I Needed New Dice...

Hey lovelies!  Ack, I can't believe Tuesday is here again... I personally think that Tuesdays are the longest day... Mondays I feel refreshed from the weekend (or maybe super busy trying to catch up after being away from the computer all weekend?) so it seems to fly right by, but Tuesdays?  Nope.  They're too far in either direction from the weekend maybe, they draaaaaag.

However, I love Tuesdays because I get to share my weekend with you.  Friday night I left work an hour early so I could rush down to the the Super Adoption and help CFPU because they didn't have enough volunteers.  It was nice to be back volunteering with them, and I got to walk the dogs and meet them all.  I haven't done it in a while.

Left is Moose, a crazy little chihuahua rolling in the grass. Right is Billy, such a sweetie!

Saturday was pretty laid back until I went to my little brother's house for his birthday BBQ.  I had such a good time with my family, and this is the view from his front yard:

Sunday I had a date.  Yes, a first date.   It was with a friend of a friend who I had actually met a few years ago at a party-small world!  However I was a bit too honest apparently, and I was nervous so I teased the whole time... You know that whole "use humor to deflect" thing.  Haven't heard from him since so I'm guessing he's ducking out... But I looked damn hot:

Shawn was in Vegas all weekend, so he brought me back new dice.  You see he'd just told me last week (in regards to my romantic life) "Girl, you need some new dice because you keep rolling snake eyes!" So he left them for me this morning.

Seeing as I spent the entire evening downing wine last night... 4 glasses to be exact... Now is a good time to focus on my happy list.  Here's what is making me happy (other than the things mentioned above!) this week:

• My New Chewbacca shirt.  It's so cute! 

• Beth sent me a surprise book in the mail, and I'm excited to start reading it.  She told me I'm going to get a good laugh out of it!  

• It's been lovely and rainy for like a week!  That's always nice! 
• I went to Noodles & Co last night hoping to get some Mac & Cheese, but they've now posted the calorie counts on the board and I was NOT eating something that has 1500 calories in it.  I just couldn't do it.  I went for Thai soup with no add ins for only 480 calories.  My need to be healthy is finally overpowering my desire to eat tasty things-I am loving this! 
• I'm really starting to think of myself as someone who is pretty, and I'm learning to love myself despite my issue with my weight, which is a nice turn around!

LAST CALL for the Blogiversary Giveaway sponsors over at Health NOT to Health NUT is today! If you want to be a part of it and get some good publicity, make sure you join in!  You can join for as low as $5 and you'll get more than that in free ad space! Let me know if you have any questions! 

How was your weekend?

In 27 Years I Have Learned

I am 27 years old today.  I remember being a child who thought that the year 2013 was some kind of space-age-and having no idea of what time really was I never imagined I'd see it.  However, here I am.  It's 2013 and I turn 27 years old officially at 8:15pm tonight.  In 27 years on this planet I have learned so many lessons and been through so many different experiences, both good and bad, and I wouldn't trade them for anything because I am finally becoming the woman I needed to be.  Every step or misstep has led me to where I am today, and who I know and love today.  

In 27 years I have learned...

That I am perfectly flawed, and that's okay.  I make mistakes, I put my foot in my mouth, I'm too loud/brash/honest sometimes, I speak before I think, I lash out when I'm upset, and more... But that does not mean I'm a bad person-it just means there is room for improvement.

You get what you give out. If you put good into the world, good comes back.  If you put negativity out, expect it back plus some.

Alone doesn't mean lonely.  You don't have to be in a relationship with someone else to be happy-you must learn to develop a relationship with yourself.  Being in relationships for the sake of not being alone just leads to infinitely more heartache.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't love you back.  It's really that simple. You deserve more.

People are inherently good. In the face of devastating tragedies amazing people arise and show you just how good we are as a whole.  People donate time, money, and their whole lives to help those in need-sometimes without any kind of thank you or reward or even being asked to.

Different isn't bad, just different.  It's okay to disagree.  We all have our own views on life, politics, religion, etc... It's okay not to agree-life would be boring if we felt exactly the same.  Just because I don't agree with you, doesn't mean I have to hate you or lash out at you to make you believe the same thing as me.  I wish more people understood this!

You have to love yourself at all stages of your journey.  I may still struggle with this sometimes  but I know it's true.  I may be working myself towards a new body, but I'm trying very hard to love every weight and size along the way-I am beautiful still!

Start Now.  They say "a year from now you'd wish you'd started now" and it's true.  I wish I'd started so many things I wanted to start years ago, because I'd be there now.  Oh well, time to start NOW.

Let go of the past.  Seriously.  It's over and done with, so there's no use holding on to it and struggling with it.  The only place you can be is the now, and the only thing that can change is the future.  The past is dead.

You can't change people.  I'm not saying people wont change, just that you can't change them.  People will only change on their terms and for their own reasons, and trying to change them not only hurts them, but hurts you.  If you can't accept and love/live with the way people are at this very moment, move on.

It's OK to walk away.  If a person no longer brings light into your life-it's alright to walk away from a relationship that no longer serves you.  Be it romantic, friends, family, etc.  It doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life completely (unless it's necessary for your own well-being) it just means they don't have to be an integral part of your existence anymore.

If you love it, give it your all.  You have to put forth an effort.  If you love your job, a hobby, or even a person-give that everything you have!  Don't let anyone bring you down for being devoted to those things you want.

I am stronger than I think.  So often I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to put myself out there and get a broken heart again, afraid to try and fail at something, or just plain afraid of the whole world in general.  I get anxiety.  But looking back I realize that I am so much stronger than I think!  I have made it through so much and will make it through more to come!

What are some valuable lessons you have learned?

I'll Be My Own Valentine

Well heh-hey there lovelies, and happy Valentine's Day.  Or V-Day.  Or Singles-Awareness-Day.

Personally I've spent most of the Valentine's holidays of my life single-it never seems to quite work out that I'm coupled up-or coupled up long enough-to celebrate it with anyone.  I've spent a great deal of these Singles-Awareness-Days entirely too bitter about that situation-but still having fun.  Usually watching horror movies and eating good food with friends and getting drunk, all the while complaining about how I'm still single-year in and year out.

But you know what?  I'm tired of being bitter.  So this is me trying to focus on the positive-and what better way than joining in Shelby's Single Ladies Link-Up and talking about 10 things I love about myself?  I'll be my own Valentine!

10 Things I Love About Myself

1. I love with everything I have.  This used to be something I hated about myself, because loving so hard and so fast is the easiest way to get your heart broken.  However now I realize that it also makes me unique-it makes everything I do genuine and it helps me feel alive.  I love feircely.
2. I bounce back quickly.  When you love with everything you have, heartbreak is inevitable, but luckily I just keep on loving and I'm never down for long.
3. My brain is like a sponge.  I remember things-things from years ago, and I'm able to regurgitate that information back and teach other people what I know as well.
4. I can't hold grudges very well.  Forgiveness is something I do nearly as easily as loving-for me to hold any kind of grudge for very long you really have to hurt someone I love-and it had to have been BIG.  Luckily that doesn't happen too often.
5. I don't give up easily.  Yeah I try and fail alot (i.e. weight loss attempts) but I always try again.
6. I'm an open book. I don't have many secrets of my own, and I share most of what I am with people.  I like that what you see is what you get with me, and that I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.
7. I tell the truth.  Honesty is important to me, and sometimes I am honest to the point of bluntness.  It's good though-you will always know how I feel and I hope others will be honest back.
8. I'm loyal to a fault.  The fault being that I'm often loyal to people who aren't loyal to me, but I'd rather be loyal than not-and at least I can never be deemed a cheater.
9. I am an artist.  I may not always be the best at my art, writing, or creating-but I love being an artist none-the-less.  It's wonderful to be able to express myself that way.
10. I hope.  No matter how many times I say "I'm done with love" or I try to convince myself that maybe some people aren't meant to find love-I always come back to hoping.  Hope is a wonderful thing that keeps me moving forward.

(P.S. I am having dinner with Rocky tonight, but I don't think he even thought about it being Valentine's day-and I don't know where we stand right now, so that's probably a good thing.  Maybe it will all work out between us (there's that hope I mentioned) or maybe it wont (realism) but either way I will know that I tried.)

Let It Go; Let It Be; Let It In.

Dear Heart,

Dear Friend,

Dear Whoever Needs This,

Let it go. Those stories from your past follow you, they walk along behind you constantly whispering warnings in your listening ear.  Telling of lessons learned, and heartaches gained.  Be wary in listening.  Take it in, and let it go.  What has been, has been, and you cannot change it.  With that being the case, what is the point in regret?  Why let it ruin the beauty the future holds?

You're afraid, and you're shaking.  Can't quiet the voices in your head that tell you it might happen again... If you show your true self, will they turn in disgust and walk away?  Demons hiding deep within, if they're exposed will you lose the love you so long for?  You never know until you try, and if you don't, you will never have a chance at it.  Having it and losing it-well, that's better than never experiencing it at all, isn't it?  Even if you only have it for a little while, do you not want to taste it and savor it while it is there?  I promise you, you do.

Let go for the fear you carry, let go of the doubt, worry, and insecurity.  Just be.

Let it be.  Leave it lie there, don't poke it or scare it or try to force it to move.  You can't force things, you can't shape them into what they aren't supposed to be, and attempting to do so will only ruin their natural beauty.  If you take something with so much possibility and interfere, it may never reach full potential, and then what are you left with?  Let things be undefined and simplistic, which is how they are meant to be.  Don't complicate them with how you want them to be, and with your impatience.  Be patient.  Let it be what it is meant to be.

Let it in. Cease to block yourself off from the love those around you are offering. Open yourself up and absorb everything the world has to offer you.  It can be scary, yes, and opening yourself up to all of the good things also leaves you open and vulnerable to the negative things in life.  However, without the bad, how will you ever fully experience the good things life has to offer you?  If you never feel all the heartache and hurt, how do you know to enjoy the happiness when you have it?  How do you know not to take it for granted when life is wonderful?  It will all be worth it, every bit of bad will have been worth it when you find the happiness you've so been searching for.

You deserve to be happy, and you are the only one standing in the way of that.  Manifest your destiny, and be brave as you make your way through all of the obstacles that are between you and your objective.  These are so small compared to the greater gifts that await you at the end of your journey.  Wait for it, fight for it, and make it worth it.

Let it go; let it be, and let it in.