Sometimes I think my heart is too big. Too big for it's allowed to do, too big for the people I love, and even maybe too big for me. All I want to do is be able to open myself up to loving without the aching, but that seems impossible. I love with everything I have and then some-I love until it hurts, and hurt it does. Why can't I just love without letting it tear me apart from the chest out?
I love everyone. I love my friends, my family, perfect strangers, and the men I date-whether I'm "in love" with them or not, I love them all a little, to varying levels. All of these loves hurt sometimes, that's just part of life and it's something you come to expect from the world. There are wars, there are mistakes, and there is so much room for error. We're all just human after all. We're all just hurting in some way or another. We're all damaged and sometimes we take that damage out on other people, sometimes we sit alone in our homes and swim in our own damage, and sometimes we work on our damage. Life is a cycle, we've all been beaten and bruised, and we all have to accept that in one another also.
Most of the time, I love that I love everyone and feel like good about loving and continuing to love even when I'm not loved back. It just keeps going. This heart of mine keeps beating, and I just keep on loving. Sometimes though, I wish I could love just a little less. I wish I could hold onto some of that love for myself instead of giving it all away... Instead of pouring it into the people I want to pour it into me... Because they're not always capable of filling me up as I try to fill them.
And that's okay. You can't go around loving and expect everyone to just love you back. You have to give without expecting to receive, and you have to accept people for who they are and what they're capable of.
But sometimes? Sometimes it's hard. It's especially hard when you don't save a little of your love for yourself. I'd really like to learn to save some love for myself so that when I run into those moments where someone can't give me the love back I'll be okay. I'd like to be able to focus on other things, and enjoy life without torturing myself wondering why they can't (or won't) love me back.
I'm going to go ahead and end here by admitting that I may have already had two glasses of wine and listened to this song three times while I cried. MAY. Okay, I did. This song just resonates with me, as most of Mary Lambert's songs do.
This week's song:
Monochromatic
by Mary Lambert
Every morning it's the same thing
Sidewalks of people with who cares stares
My heart's too big for this city
My heart's too big for my own body
My heart's too big for you to understand me
When I close my eyes I dream in color
My life's in black and white, will it ever get better?
I'm not monochromatic
Nobody is monochromatic
Everybody is hurting
There's nothing more human than that
See the pieces of hearts missing
Watch how the light fills the cracks
My heart's too big for this city
My heart's too big for my own body
My heart's too big for you to understand me
Please understand me
When I close my eyes I dream in color
My life's in lack and white, will it ever get better?
I'm not monochromatic
Nobody is monochromatic
You're not monochromatic
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Such wonderful lyrics! :)
ReplyDeleteI've actually never heard of this song but it's beautiful! And don't worry about loving too much- I think that we as a world need more people that love freely. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.alittledailyhappiness.com
You definitely do need to leave a little love for yourself! If you are happy and love yourself much, you'll do a much better job at loving others :)
ReplyDeleteAs RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love somebody else!" Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteOh man RuPaul is wise wise wise, and I always love the advice of the coolest drag queen ever. :D
ReplyDeleteSo so true. Thanks love!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great song.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to be someone that has such an open and kind heart. It really does set us up to be hurt and let down over and over again. But loving people really is so worth it. I'd much rather love too much than not enough.
Mary Lambert is just so good! As for loving too much, I think that's much better than the alternative. There's lots of times I think I don't love nearly enough. But I'm working on it. :) Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a unique and wonderful idea, Music Monday how awesome, this will help a lot of artist and musicians out there,
ReplyDeleteI hear ya on this!! Sometimes it hurts to love and that song captures it beautifully. Thanks for bringing it to life!
ReplyDeleteI understand completely. There is always a reason for everything and love is one of those. The pain may hurt but it is worth it because love helps us live on!
ReplyDeleteThis is a cool link party! I love Mary Lambert!
ReplyDeleteGreat song!!! :D
ReplyDeleteBut your well of love is infinite- it's a resource that will never run out. Only the truly brave love, knowing it often hurts and nets you nothing in exchange. As long as you love yourself as much as you love everyone else, you'll never run out of love to give. AND you're healing the world by giving it.
ReplyDelete