A Hiatus in the Fog

I'm officially on Hiatus.  We went out, we sat down with our coffees, perched in our seats trying to learn about each other.  She was nice, and all of those nice things you might want in someone else; if you want someone else.  Almost instantly, I looked at her face and the realization hit me.  My mindset isn't in the right place for dating, relationships, or even for sex.

The numbness is back, but this time it brings with it a certain element of clarity.  Relationships are troubling and cause your life quite a bit of upheaval.  It doesn't matter if they're good or bad, they take center stage and you have to focus on them; at least you do if you want them to work.  These only work if both people want it to work, and both people try for it to work, that doesn't always happen.

Am I broken?  Well, everyone is broken in some way.  We all come with our share of issues, our baggage upon our backs, and the scars from previous lovers etched forever into us.  Someone betrayed your trust?  You are forever going to question future promises.  Your last lover didn't like something about you?  That will be an insecurity you carry with you along the path you walk.  These things will always be with you, stowed away in some dark corner of your mind, like the shoe box under your bed holding memories... You only pull it out when occasion calls, and it turns up a whole new set of issues with it; at least until you let it go.

Let it go?  How on earth do you let something that hurt you so harshly go?  When an incident so totally broke your heart and shattered your dreams?  The pain becomes so deeply engraved on your very existence it's hard to remember the good times you had from the relationship, and it's hard to walk away and pay attention to the lessons you just learned.  However somewhere through the fog of the anger and hurt, you need to remember to focus on what will get you through.  Put on  your high-beams and trudge through it, because you can make it to the other side.

I don't think that needing a break means I'm broken inside, at least not anymore than average.  This is just the time to step back from it all, and to gather my wits about myself.  There are things that need focusing on, like working as much overtime as humanly possible in order to pay of debt.  Also, the idea of starting my writing back up is titillating, and I must say I'm inspired by a few people that have come into my life right now.  They write so beautifully and eloquently that I can't help but remember the days when I filled my deviantart with poetry, and my computer files with novel ideas.  I really want that back, and to do so I need to spend less time focusing on being in love and finding someone else to make me happy, and spend that time alone with my muse and my heartache.  Heartache makes beautiful writing, and I've so missed the feel of the pen in my hand and the tap tap tap of the keys under my fingers. 

One day my friends, we will find our way through the fog and find that happy medium between happiness and good writing.  When we do, life will be a beautiful place.  Until then, my heart is on vacation.