"I Won't Know What to Say Except Fuck You"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady

i don't want nobody to follow me

'cept maybe you

i could make you happy you know

if you weren't already

i could do a lot of things

and i do

tell you the truth i prefer

the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning

and my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon

rubbing elbows with the moon

a safe haven of sleepless

where the deep fryer's always on

radio is counting down

the top 20 country songs

and out on the porch the fly strip is

waving like a flag in the wind

y'know, i don't look forward

to seeing you again soon

you'll look like a photograph of yourself

taken from far far away

and i won't know what to do

and i won't know what to say

 

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed

what was i thinking?

what will i think of next

where can i hide

in the back room there's a lamp

that hangs over the pool table

and when the fan is on it swings

gently side to side

there's a changing constellation

of balls as we are playing

i see orion and say nothing

the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

-Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco

I have loved this song since I first heard it 5 years ago, and yesterday driving home from work it came across my iPod and found me singing along to it just like old times.  It's like I couldn't have said it better... Everytime I get angry I remember to get angry at myself, because I'm the one who lets people affect me so.  I was the one who didn't see through all of the lies and bullshit, and I'm the one that's left with fears. 

Discussing this with a friend the other night (whilst bawling and under the influence of some mighty-fine rum) I finally admitted to myself my fears out loud.  I'm afraid to trust someone again, and on some small part of me, afraid to sleep with a guy again because of what he did... Because he lied about the protection, because I could have been so much worse off than I am.  Mostly though, because he was so sly that I had absolutely no clue that everything he said was a lie, so how do I know that wont happen to me again?  How can I ever trust my own judgement again?

I don't know.  Honestly, I haven't figured anything out yet, and I'm mad at myself for it.