Preparing For Change & Trying Not to Panic

In a week everything changes. Not just little changes like you expect day to day, but big changes-bigger changes than I've had to experience in a while.  It's the end of something.  The end of something that has been wonderful, but even wonderful things must come to an end.  Everything changes, whether it's change you consciously make or change that is just thrown at you out of the blue.  

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I have a love/hate relationship with change.  There is a need inside of me for things to change, but if that change isn't of my own doing it really freaks me out.  But we're all a little bit afraid of change, and luckily the majority of this change has been something I've had a lot of time to plan for.  

My roommate told me he wanted to move years ago, and every Summer I spent a lot of time stressing about whether it was the last one or not.  So, when he applied and was accepted to grad school in Canada this year it wasn't a huge surprise-in fact, it was almost a relief to know there was an actual date in the future to look out for and to plan on.  

So this Summer has been a whirlwind of activity.  Watching the roommate plan for the future and make big changes in his life to chase his dreams has been both inspiring and terrifying.  I know he's nervous about this change too.  He's moving to a new city far away where he doesn't know anyone.  He quit his teaching job to be a starving student living off of Ramen again-but when he thinks about how much he's going to miss all of us back here he breaks down a little.  But he was strong enough to realize that he hated his teaching job (loved teaching but hated the bureaucracy) and living here wasn't working for him.  It was too stifling for him here-he couldn't be himself.  He was brave enough to make a change in spite of it being scary as hell.

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While I'm infinitely proud of him and inspired by him, the realization that this means change for me as well is both exciting and frightening.  So much of my life is going to be altered by something that sounds so simple as your roommate moving out-but it's not.  He's my best friend.

Who's going to randomly go get onion rings with me when I had a bad day at work and feel like cheating?

Who's going to wander IKEA with me and dream of tiny spaces filled with cute Swedish furniture?

Who's going to stay up way past our bedtimes talking about philosophical things? Or watching stupid shows?

Who's going to randomly cook fried rice or some other random craving with me?

Who's going to tell me everything will be alright as I fall apart after a breakup?

He's kind of been the person that is there for everything for me for the last 5 years.  The majority of my time spent with people has been with him.  He's been my roommate, best friend, and family throughout both amazing and rough times, and we have been so close.  Knowing that he wont be around... Well, that's hard.  I am far more happy and excited for him than I am sad.  I want him to go out and be happy and find everything he's looking for and I know with every bit of myself this is what needs to happen-I'm just going to miss him a lot.  While we'll always be friends (I've no doubt of it) it will never be the same again.  Things never are.

He told me the other day that he's worried that when he leaves I will hermit away, and he doesn't want me to be lonely.  I will... For a while.  Every end comes with a grieving period, and after a while I'll stop grieving, realize I'm lonely, and go out again.  I'm lucky that there will be so much to do so quickly after that I wont have too much time to be mopey.  School starts two days after he leaves and I'm taking 10 credit hours this semester on top of regular work, so I will be very very busy.

Don't get me wrong, while there is a large amount of fear (when I stop to think about him actually going as it gets closer and closer I feel my anxiety rise up in my throat) there is a lot I'm excited for.  I've never lived alone before.  I've never had a space that was entirely mine to do with what I pleased.  My bills are doubling, but I'm also getting an extra room for moving my craft stuff into-a place I can turn into a creative outlet and hopefully be more productive in.  I'm excited to see what kind of person I am when I fully stand on my own two feet with no one but myself to rely on.  Such an exciting new adventure!

I can do this-I just have to remember to breathe.  There are moments I have to completely stop and just remind myself that I am strong and independent, and that new adventures are exciting and full of goodness.

So Much Change

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I Confess... I'm all registered for Anthropology 1010: Culture & Human Experience on Mondays, as well as French 1010: Beginning French 1 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I had forgotten just how expensive books are-seriously.  I'm not sure which edition I need for Anthro (the professor said she'd look into it and let me know) but the latest is $196 to buy, or $95 to rent (which I think I'll go with.)  For French I need the latest edition which hasn't even been released for sale anywhere yet (next week) and so there are no used copies, it's just going t be a whopping $280-and I need to buy it due to the fact that I'll need it for further French classes too.  My roommate has an advanced copy of it, but it's the teacher's edition and I don't think my professor would appreciate me having all the answers already... 

My company will reimburse me for all of this as long as I pass with Cs in my classes, but coming up with the money to pay for this at the start right now is difficult.  I would have had it if I hadn't had to spend so much on my car this summer ($1200 in repairs-plus it needs to go in again now but it's going to have to wait!)  I applied for a student loan (I make way too much for grants) but wont hear anything for another two weeks.  This will be even harder if I have to come up with full rent for September and all of these things at once...

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I Confess... My roommate is most likely moving out soon... I mean I've known this for a long time but it just kept not happening so it was easy to become comfortable where I was.  He had a job interview for a school in Seattle which he's been hoping to get the opportunity with for a long time.  He's just not happy where he is now.  I have a gut feeling he's going to get it-which is a good thing, but it will also be heartbreaking saying goodbye to someone you've spent nearly every day with for the last 4 years.  He's my best friend and the distance will be sad-but I'll be happy for him moving on to bigger and better things and ultimately a life that makes him happy.

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I Confess... While at first I was terribly torn on how to feel about it.  I want him to get it so he'll be happy (which outweighs any selfish feelings I was having about the whole thing) but I know just how much I'll miss him when he's gone.  However I know whichever way it works out will be for the better.  If he doesn't then he stays and I get another year with him around, if he does then I learn to stand on my own two feet a little bit better.  

Sometimes I feel far too reliant on other people.  Not necessarily for every day things-I take care of things myself, I pay for things myself, etc.  I'm an adult.  However I find myself relying on the fact that Josh will be around if I do need something, or if I'm bored, or if I want company to run to the store, etc.  If he goes I'll be learning a new level of self-reliance.  I had considered taking on another roommate to help with bills and stuff, but I think I'll try living alone for a while-and it'll be nice to have the extra space in that case.

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I Confess...  If he does move to Seattle, I already know where I can visit for Fall Break!  I do love that city!  It's quite possible that one day everyone I know will end up living in Seattle anyway.

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I Confess... In case this is our last weekend with him-we planned a camping getaway to Jordanelle State Park this weekend.  We usually go to Idaho to go tubing down the river, but since it's a 2+ hour drive and we're trying to save money we decided to just keep it easy and find a closer place.  We wanted somewhere we could swim though, so Josh did a little research and decided to head up that way.  It's only 30 minutes away, has a nice big reservoir to swim in, and is known for great wildlife.

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Confessing on a Desperate Need for Change

I confess that somewhere along the way I lost site of my goals and dreams.

Since I was 7 years old I have dreamed of being a writer.  I have not written anything other than a blog since I was a teenager.  Though I love my blog dearly, why have I never sat down and written out the novel that's been in my head since I was 13?  Why have I never successfully finished participating in NaNoWriMo?  Or tried to be published?

The day I received my scholarship in 2004.  I was so excited-just not to have my photo taken! HA! 

When I graduated high school I received a small scholarship so that I could go to school to become a theatre teacher.  Teaching was always something I had a high regard for and wanted to do.

I took a year off after graduating to work full time, which was a big mistake.  I should have just gone straight to school and kept moving forward.  By the time I finally tried college I was working 60 hour weeks to help support myself and my boyfriend in a little apartment in Ogden.  Working 60 hour weeks and trying to go to school full time (12-18 credit hours were the same cost) to get the most out of your tuition is difficult.

A photo of me from 2006.

About half way through both semesters I attempted, I broke under the pressure and quit.

I stopped attempting to go to school and just went into working full time or more.  First in a restaurant, as a nanny, in a bowling alley, and in 2008 I was offered a better paying position in technical support.  I have now been working in technical support for 5 years.

While I've been extremely grateful for the opportunity, the pay, the benefits, and for not smelling like a grease fryer any longer-what child dreams of being a Technical Support Representative when they grow up?  Certainly not my wandering gypsy soul.  Working in a cubicle every day is soul-sucking.

It's been extremely difficult lately to continue working all day in this little box.  Not getting enough sunlight is depressing.  Sitting on my butt all day and getting fatter and fatter is depressing.  No options for career advancement is depressing.  You get the picture.

I need a change, and in a big way.  But I'm not leaving this good job for a job with less pay, less benefits, or in another technical support position.  This is a good job, with a good company, and hey-I get to blog during the day.  So the change has to be in a completely new direction, and I need a serious attitude adjustment in the meantime.

I confess that I filled out an application for Community College yesterday.  The goal is to go to SLCC and get my Associates, and then transfer to the U to finish up my bachelors.  I am going to go into Education, and go back to my original dreams of both becoming a teacher and a writer.  In the meantime I'll keep working my job here (which should help pay for school) and I'll take a lighter class load until I get into the swing of things.

We'll see what happens, but this time it has to work out.  My soul/heart/life/you name it depends on it.  Now if I can only get over the stress about the fact that it will take me 4 years at the very least and I'm just now starting... blah.