Now That I Am Clean I'm Never Gonna Risk It {Musical Mondays}

Many of you may remember an ex of mine who I've nicknamed Sneeze on this blog.  Sneeze and I met a long time ago via Yahoo messenger.  I was just getting my hopes crushed by yet another in a long line of guys that did (and would) stand me up or disappear after we'd been intimate, and he was hopped up on Ambien and decided to shoot me a message and ask me out.  This was probably about eight or nine years ago... At first I was put off-I mean who meets a guy who's badgering you over instant messenger?  But he was persistent, and we scheduled a date.

That date just so happened to date number three in a week of four dates.  The other three included the guy I'd originally been crying over when Sneeze messaged me originally, a guy who made me cry on the first date and was a total jerk who played mind games, and a nice guy who was very into me but I just wasn't into him at all.  I still remember my first date with Sneeze, and somehow he's the only one I really kept in touch with out of that week.  For our date we met at my work, a bowling alley, and he brought me a bag a cough drops since I'd almost backed out of the date because I was sick.  We bowled, we had a few beers, and when he left we had a friendly hug but otherwise he made no moves on me.

I don't remember exactly how he was the only one I stayed in long-term contact with out of all those dates, mostly because I'd thought "he's nice, but I don't know if I feel anything for him", but we very quickly became inseparable.  He was just getting out of a messy divorce and getting custody worked out for his two and three year olds, and we just about became insta-family.  We were spending a lot of time at his house, taking the kids to the zoo, and throwing parties.  When I moved back in with my grandmother, he moved to an apartment nearby so we could stay close.  I loved him, and I loved his kids like they were my own.

If You'll Stay in My Past {Musical Mondays}

What is Musical Mondays? 

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us.

This week's song:
If You'll Stay in My Past 

(Parts 1, 2, & 3) by Maria Mena

(Part 1)

I understand 

You need to switch the rules around and despise me for the fact that we did not last

And I will be your punching bag

If you'll stay in my past

I understand

To want to have a mature dialogue is too much to ask

And I will be your one regret 

If you'll stay in my past.

(Part 2)

I understand, 

You delude yourself and sleep with a different girl each night, in order to recover fast

And I will let you cheapen sex

If you'll stay in my past

I understand

That we can never speak again

And your resentment towards me will last

And I will let you forget me

If you'll stay in my past

(Part 3)

I understand

That you will one day love again

And that it's selfish for me to want to ask

If you can only live off the memory of me

So please stay in my past.

I don't know what it is lately with people from the past popping up, especially exes, but this song immediately comes to mind this week.

A week or two ago I received a Facebook friend request from my very first ex, DF.  I just looked at it and went "Errr... I don't know" and when I didn't add him he sent me a message stating that a lot had been happening and he'd like to talk to me.  After some debating about whether to reply or not, and then some debating about how to reply if I were to do it, I settled on "Hey, what's up?" to keep it simple and await his response to see how crazy it would be.  The last time we really talked (many years ago, even though we've had some contact since-we didn't really talk) he told me how he'd tried to kill himself and he was so upset he ever let me go.  That is when I knew I had to put some distance between us-because it didn't take long after my heart started mending to realize I was incredibly grateful he did.

When he responded last week he told me he'd rather talk to me in person, and that the short of it was that he was having legal trouble and "didn't have much time."  Nope.  I have a lot of compassion for him because of what he once was to me, and because of everything he's been through-he had a very rough and abusive childhood, and he's dealt with mental instability most of his life; but there is no way I'm getting sucked into anything again.  The thought of it makes my stomach hurt.  I can't do it.  I wont do it.

Not only that but there is talk of another ex wanting to make contact and be friends again.  This is the big one, the one that broke my heart more than any other and treated me terribly in the end.  The one that still hurts sometimes, and the one with the kids I'd grown to love as my own only to have them taken out of my life due to it.  He makes comments to mutual friends about how he'd maybe like to be soft of friends with me again but he's burned those bridges.  He chose to cut not only me out, but a lot of those close to me out, and none of us want to do it again.  I told said mutual acquaintances that if he came back and apologized for how he treated me I'd consider it, but I know him to well.  I know that he will never in a million years apologize, or even consider that he was in the wrong, so I know I don't have to worry about it.

Exes really should stay in your past.

What are you listening to this week?

**Please if you are linking up include the button in your post**

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Blog Standards & Why I Don't Delete Posts

I have always considered my blog to be a record of my personal history.  Since I was a little girl I was taught that a journal was important, and I have been reminded of that fact by the journals of past ancestors and the published journals of inspiring people.  I have old journals going all the way back to first grade, and I still have a paper journal at home to this day-even though I mostly use my blog.  To that effect, I believe my blog is just as important as my journal.

Sometimes I go back and read old posts and wonder what I was thinking when I wrote the post.  There are even times when I wish I hadn't written a post-but I never delete them.  The reason I dislike those posts is because I am not that person any more.  What right does the person I am now have to delete the history of that person I used to be?  Someday that history will be very important to me.  That record of how I was feeling, who I was, and what I was going through.  I do not delete posts.

The reason I am writing this now is because I was recently contacted by someone from a long way back (or at least it feels like a long way) in my past; an ex to be specific.  Looking back now, I can't say I was ever actually in love with this person, but I did like him very much and at the time that felt like love.  We dated for a while, and I finally ended it because he stood me up all the time and I felt I deserved better.  Which I did. 

After we broke up I found out he had cheated on my with multiple women.  Not just sex, but to the extent that all of these women thought they were having the same serious relationship with him.  Among the women his ex-wife who thought they were working on getting their marriage back together even.  I found this out because I wrote about finally ending things with him, and another woman he had been seeing commented and together we blew his whole story out of the water.

I was angry, and rightly so.  I wrote a huge post ranting and raving about what a terrible person he was.  It was not pretty.  I even called him a limp noodle-referring to his manhood.

I had completely forgotten about this post until I received an email from him the Monday before last.  It is a complete shock to open your email like you do every day and find a letter from someone you haven't thought of in a long time, especially when that bridge burned down long ago.  Wanna read it?  Here you go:

Color me floored.  I went back and read the post-and I have to say I was highly impressed that he could read through such a scathing review of his personal moral character and still send me such a well put together and kind apology.  Impressed as I am, I remember who he is-or was-but still is to me.  It sounds sincere, but chances are he isn't actually sorry and only wants me to take down the post because it just so happens to be the number one search result if you put his name into Google.

At that moment in time I was torn.  On the one hand, I have long since gotten over the anger I felt and this blog post no longer represents what he is to me-even though it's completely true.  

Part of me felt like it wasn't fair to him that this came up every time someone searched his name.

Part of me felt like it was my duty to women everywhere to leave this post active and whole.

As I mentioned above, I do not delete posts.  I wasn't about to take this post down simply because he'd requested I change my mind about our history.  However, I was ready to be done with the whole thing and sort of "let it go" without deleting the post.  I went through and deleted every trace of his name in any post I've ever written on my blog and replaced it with "[womanizer]" instead.  An accurate and fair representation of what he was to me, and now his name will no longer be listed in my posts. 

Google hasn't let go of pulling that post as the first thing that comes up if you search his name, but that's not my problem.  His name is forever stricken from this blog.  From here on out he is only [womanizer] to me and this blog.

My friend thought that was too nice of me, and that I was caving into him by allowing his name to be publicly removed from my history.  However, I don't feel like that is the case.  I feel like I'm just letting go now, free to move on from all the drama he caused-because I really don't care any more.

Moral of the Story: Use nicknames for guys I date from now on! :P

Updated: He asked my friend out, check out her post on Adventures in Dating.

How do you feel about using real names on blogs?

Do you think more anonymity should be kept in situations like these?

Good Friends & Avoiding Exes

I confess that taking a Thursday off for my free day at work was just the thing that I needed.  I spent Wednesday night at Kristina & Ken's house, and then most of the day Thursday with Kristina and the kiddos.  We got up and made waffles together, dropped kids off at school, and went shopping.  It was a lot of fun!

I confess that having dinner with Kristi, the kids, Josh, and Max last night, and then going home to play games with all of the above plus Courtney, Taylor, Ortie, and John, was so much fun.

I confess that I played a card game called Kittens in a Blender and loved it.  It was fun!

I confess that before I drove up to Kristina's Wednesday night-my ex (the one I am no longer friends with due to issues in December) was hanging out there.  Kristi looked at him and told him he needed to go home because I was coming over, and responded with "I can be civil if she can." She just said "No, she doesn't have to be GO HOME!"

I confess that I could probably be civil if I had to, as civility is not the issue here; thing is-I don't have to.  He doesn't deserve to have me around, and he certainly needs to learn that if he's going to play this game where he just drops friends, then he gets to also not be around those people-even if that means he has no other friends.  He made his bed and he can lie in it.

I confess that I know what he'd do.  He wouldn't just be civil; he would play nice and try to do what he always does where he weasels his way back in and never admits he was wrong but somehow is a friend again.  NO. I refuse.  I do not need people like that in my life.

I confess that it was HILARIOUS when we went to the store to get food and he was there.  His brother came up and started talking to us, and asked me why I hadn't been around lately.  I told him "I just don't come up much.  That and I'm not talking to your brother."  He looked at me and said "I know, he's hiding over there!" Hahahaha.  Kristina and I laughed so loud and spent the rest of the evening giggling over the whole experience.  Then his brother hit on me... *Shudder*

I still laugh about it when I think about it.  Loser.

What do you have to confess?

30 Letters: Day 22: Dear Lucky Recipient of a Second Chance

A Letter to someone who received a second chance.

Dear DF,

You were the first person I ever gave a second chance to, and I swore you'd be the last.  Unfortunately to me I never stuck with that rule, but I should have.  Everyone I gave a second chance after that only repeated the same steps, as you had before, and as I should have remembered when debating whether they got a second chance or not. 

You were so lucky to get a second chance, and yet you still screwed it up.  I was young and naive at the time, only 19 or 20... It was a tough lesson to learn with the first person you ever loved.  At least I can say when you asked for a third chance I was smart enough to not go there, I would have hated myself even more should I have allowed it.

I don't hate you for it, I'm not even mad any more, just thinking back on choices and mistakes and re-teaching myself not to make the same ones over and over again.  If I can get to the root of the problem, maybe I can weed it out and stop it from ever growing again.  

I really do hope your life goes well and you get everything working for you.  It's a little sad that we can't be friends now, not because of animosity (you are my friend on Facebook, just not in real life) but because I can't handle the drama.  I can't hear your suicide attempts anymore. I can't handle it when you say "I wish I'd never let you go" because I am so completely grateful you did.

Peace and blessings old friend.

Have you ever given anyone a second chance?

30 Letters: Day 12: Dear Most Hated

A letter to someone I hate.

Dear Pothead,

You're a total douchebag and I am glad you moved to Arizona so I never have to see your face or the piece of crap car you drive ever again.  

Also, quit trying to have sex with your mother-which is basically how your mommy issues make you look.  We all know that your mother is a schitzo and that you always say how bad she was when you were a kid, so that's why you keep trying to date 55-60 year old women.  We get it.  But you're a douche none-the-less.

Also, a moron.  Who dates 3 people in the same office and expects them never to find out about it?  Or expects them to be ok with it once they do?  Ew.  You're gross.  So so so gross.

Peace out, sucker.

Got something to say?  Spill it!

 

30 Letters: Day 7: Dear Ex

A letter to an Ex.

Dear [Womanizer],

Boy you made a mess of things, didn't you?  You were the longest mistake I've ever made.  Standing me up 8 out of 10 times was a pretty dick-ish thing to do.  I can't believe you were the one I thought had it all together, and I let you make me feel guilty because I couldn't decide whether or not to commit to you.  NO WONDER I couldn't decide, it was my subconscious screaming at me saying "That asshole is dating other women behind your back AND he stands you up all the time-You really wanna deal with that bullshit?"

Yeah, even when I don't always think clearly, it's nice to know that my subconscious could see you for what you really were.  I complete asshat. 

It's a hilarious story actually... Seeing as I finally grew the balls to tell you "No, I'm not going to meet you for sushi because I am completely tired of your bullshit.  Please move along now, never going to happen again." and then posted about it in my blog only to have comments left saying "Hey I was dating him at the same time as you!" and "This is his ex-wife and we were working on our relationship that whole time too!" You were really playing the field, weren't you?  Toying with all our hearts, telling us you wanted something real and lasting with each of us and then completely taking our trust and using it to be the worlds biggest jack-ass. 

I'm over it, I really am.  This is a great exercise in creative writing, and I love putting it all down on paper in a public forum where you have ever opportunity to see it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the link shows up on your Yahoo friend connect page (I hid you so I wouldn't have to see your stupid updates, couldn't figure out how to disconnect so you couldn't see mine-oh well!) but I know you are much too self-centered to worry about it.  I really do wish you could read it though, because most of all I feel sorry for you.

It's really kind of sad and pathetic... I think part of you desperately wants a real relationship, but for some reason you get in the way of yourself and screw it all up.  You hurt people as you desperately try to hurt yourself.  Also, I hear you're drinking yourself silly now, is the self-torture only going to get worse and worse?  I think you should double your shrink appointments, and maybe you should actually be honest with him so he can help you figure your shit out.  You're a total mess. I know part of that is because of the military, and part of you is still stuck at 17 because you were so young when you joined... You are acting like an immature teenager and a lot of it can be chalked up to that.  However, I know plenty of people that have gotten out of the military, and even though they still deal with PTSD and other stuff, they are mature, responsible individuals.  Grow the hell up.

I hope you figure it out before you completely screw up your life forever.

Peace out.

P.S. I was recently linked to your www.benaughty.com profile, and whoo-wee was that some funny stuff to read! Expecially when you say you "work hard both in and out of the bedroom."  Pretty much you work hard to end up in the bedroom with as many people as possible.  Ha! 

Wanna get it off your chest?  Join the fun!

Dear So & So: A Laugh At A Dumb Ex's Expense

Dear TW,

I am shockingly glad that you didn't hire me back.  The new job is SO much better, and I'm happy and plan on excelling very quickly here.  Have fun being an old boys club and losing all of your good employees because they're so frustrated with how you're treating them.

Peace Out!

Dear Spoiled Brat,

I've been feeling sorry for you, because you had such a rough go of it with your parents.  Yes your dad was an alcoholic ass and your mom was too drugged up to be a mom, but that doesn't give you the right to still act like a spoiled five year old at 19!  I think at some point you REALLY need to learn to grow up.  I've been excusing how you've been acting because I knew your Dad and how he acted, but you know what?  Your little sister had the same dad and she's the sweetest and most considerate 15 year old I've ever met.

I've done nothing but try to help you with your wedding that's coming up.  Since you don't have parents, I figured I'd help and be a great faux auntie, but your selfish bratty actions have made me decide not to.  You demand things, even when they're not offered, and you make snarky public comments about the help I offered you.  So I'm done.  You're on your own.

Maybe being on your own will help you grow up for once.  Also, you can't act the way you have been in your workplace, sometime you'll realize it when your employers start laying you off more frequently.

Time to grow up.

Dear Spoiled Brat's Sister,

You are the sweetest little faux niece I've ever had! I'm so glad to know you and I'm hoping to get to know you better!

Stay awesome! 

Dear Someone Else,

I do kind of like you, except for the fact that I'm feeling pretty happy being single and you don't seem to be interested.  But maybe you're just dense.  Men can be that way, especially nerdy ones.

It's probably for the best.

Dear Readers,

Please enjoy this next letter, as I fully expect it to give you some laughs.  In fact, I was in class when I read it, and had to hurry and clamp my hand over my mouth in order to keep from bursting out in a very loud guffaw. Heather said she was literally rolling when I texted it to her.  So please, have a laugh at the expense of one of my dumbest exes.

Love you all!

Dear Pothead,

So I heard you said you could understand how your other ex, Heather, and me hate you, and that you're "over it."  In fact, I believe you said "I'd even date Angie again if it wouldn't be weird."  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Really?

First off, way to pretend to "be the bigger person;" no one buys it.

Second, what would make you think you'd even remotely have a chance at that?  I'd sooner join a nunnery than ever have to spend 5 seconds in your insipid company.  If I had to sit and hear you make up random factoids about songs and musicians (with which google or wikipedia would quickly disprove) or if I had to look at your mangy hair or even the bull-dyke cut you soon sported after that, I would vomit.

I really hope you and the Soggy Rotten Mango NEVER break up.  I honestly wish you guys a long-lasting relationship so that no one else in the world has to put up with either of you.

You're funny when you pretend to be open minded.

Just a Quick Update...

So I'm still struggling to find the time to blog, and right now I'm too tired to sit down and write out all the things I want to talk about.  Maybe I should just give you all a little taste? 

Today I went swimming.  It's still not quite warm enough, so everyone else got out to get warm, but I stayed a while.  I have a nice little sunburn too.  Just light enough that it'll turn into a lovely little tan; just dark enough that I'm grinning over my first sun-stained skin of the season.

I still haven't heard from the new job, but all signs point to a very delightful looking outcome.  I'll keep you updated.

My two friends (Megan and Andy) that I set up a while back?  They're crazy about each other, and they just made their relationship official! I'm so happy for them, I couldn't have picked two better people to introduce to each other.  Here's hoping they have a long and prosperous relationship.

One thing that this proves-I am way better at picking matches for other people than for myself.

We're going to leave my slight infatuation at the moment off the books.  It's probably not a great idea anyway and/or he's probably not into me back... So it's better left unsaid at this moment  BUT, it is the first infatuation I've felt in a very long time... No matter how unrequited it may be, it feels pretty damn good for a second.

Want to hear something rather bizarre?

I seriously can't believe the random stuff that happens to me and that I find out about now that I have this blog.  

The girl who had been dating my ex at the same time as me, and who left me anonymous comments a month or so ago on a post talking about him (many of you may remember these posts, if not the link is coming) emailed me today.  She said she was looking at THIS POST and was shocked to come across yet another anonymous comment.  This time, however, it wasn't from her.  It happened to be [womanizer]'s first ex-wife, and she'd stumbled across my blog and learned what had all been happening.  She was surprised, because apparently while he was dating both this other girl and me, he was also working with her to try and fix their relationship. 

It's just funny to me now, other than I feel bad for these women that he's hurt them.  I no longer care about my side of the story, as I'm healing and moving on.  I have no doubt he will get his Karma, and I hope these two amazing women can go on and find men that will be worth their time.  He so obviously is not.  

Anyway, wish me luck in the job market!

(and maybe the crush, if you feel so inclined... ;P)

Keeping my fingers crossed, and sending you all buckets full of love.

I'll leave you all with this adorable pic I found on Photobucket.

I Ache To Remember... (Nostalgia)

Last night my big plan was to go home, nap on the couch and then crawl into bed and catch up on missed sleep since I've been feeling drowsy in class all week.  However that plan was quickly thwarted when my phone rang, and on the other end was a tiny little voice saying "Angie!  I wan you to go bowing wiff me!  I wan to go bowing wight now!"  Then the phone was quickly passed and another tiny little voice said "Angie are you going to go bowing wiff us?"  How could I say no?  I told them to tell their dad to come pick me up, and received "Ok, I luff you bye!" in return.  Too cute for words.

We didn't end up going bowling because the place was packed, but we got Iceberg and went to the park to eat and watch the kids play.  It was rainy and too cold, so we didn't stay long and ended up watching The Princess and the Frog at my house.  While there, we ended up looking through old pictures of the kids on my computer... I mean just look above, Hailee is getting HUGE.   They both are, but Devin (the ever-moody Pisces) wouldn't let me take his picture.

Oh the nostalgia... Isn't it funny how you can watch old home movies and look at old pictures and still ache for all those things you once wanted?

Two years ago, I would have told you this was going to be my family.  

I loved him and I loved those kids like they were my own; truth is, I still do.   I couldn't believe that looking through those old photos and watching those old home movies I took of the kids would make me ache again.  I guess it's hard to remember a time when you thought you would be with this person forever, and that you would make a family out of his family.  

I really thought I could convince myself that I was poly-amorous and handle the open relationship in order to be a part of that family.  Matt and I were just so perfect.  We worked so well together, and I could certainly excuse away his fear of commitment due to the massive divorce he was going through.  I would have sacrificed anything to hang on to that feeling of home and family I found when it was the four of us.

Not forgetting, I wanted to be a mother to those two beautiful children so bad. (Stepmother, anyway.)

However the time came when I finally had to stop pretending, and after a year of being with this man and his children I sat him down on our bed (we were living together at the time) and explained where I was coming from.  I told him that I loved him very much, but that someday I would want to get married and have a child of my own.  He never wanted that again. We parted amicably (even lived together still for another 8 months-AWKWARD-but a story for another time) and are still great friends.

This is good because it means that I get to keep this friend that I so bonded with, and I get to see these two little children who have my heart forever.

However, if I told you trying again didn't cross my mind every time I hang out with them, I'd be a dirty-rotten-liar. 

I think about it when he makes me laugh, and I remember the same sweet and funny guy I'd fallen in love with. 

I think about it when his son runs up to me and tells me he missed me, and when I pull his tiny little girl up to me and kiss her sweet little face.  When they're their cuddled up next to me watching a movie; I'm thinking about it.  I miss having them as my little family.

I ache for it; but then I remember that everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason it's not meant to be.

I think it's time I started steering my life in the direction that will eventually bring me to a family of my own.  Thankfully, no matter who I'm with or whether or not I have my own children I'll always get to have these beautiful people in my life.  They mean the world to me.

I'm ready Universe, send it my way, ok?

Stunned. Shocked. Appalled.

So for those of you who read Saturday's post, you'll know that I finally stood up for myself and told [womanizer] that I wouldn't be seeing him again because of how shitty he's treated me in the past.  If you didn't read it, check it out really quick HERE for a little background on today's post.  No need for me to go into it again, other than I was really proud of myself.  In fact, I was pretty much walking around with my head held high and in a good mood over the whole thing.  On that post you may have also seen the anonymous comments left for me, it's just too bad you couldn't see the shocked look on  my face.  Jaw. On. Floor.

Basically it was another girl writing in telling me that she's been watching me for about two years, because we were dating the same guy.  What. The. Hell?  WE WERE DATING THE SAME GUY!  I never knew about her, but apparently she knew about me, and apparently he treated her the same way.

I am shocked.  He always just said he was working two jobs, or really busy, I didn't expect him to be out seeing other people and not telling me.  There were promises made about always telling the truth and being honest with each other, no matter what we were up to.  Call me naive, but I took his word and trusted it.

I am shocked.  That makes two guys in a row!  How does this shit happen to me?  I swear to god I'm just a regular little person in this world, but lately my life seems like a scene from a Soap Opera!  At least it provides me with good blogging material right?

I am appalled.  Here's the part where I add the following:  WHAT AN ASSHOLE. 

In case you missed it, here's what she said, and what I was thinking when I read it.

Hi Angie,

You don't know me but I know of you and exactly what you are going through with [womanizer].

The reason I know this is because I've gone through the exact same thing with him as well. I met him the spring of 2008, just before you met him. I was however told of his assignment in Ft.Benning and wished him well as he left to do his job. When he came back however I was never told of a Brothers wedding, I in fact know he only has one sibling (A Sister) I was told he was sent home on medical furlow due to a accident involving sky diving. Who know what the truth actually is.

He told me he didn't know about his assignment, and that it just happened to fast to let me know.  Yeah, what a douche.  I should have realized that was a lie, but even through my annoyance at it, I felt a connection with it and took him at his word.

But in any case, I started a relationship with him for the few months he was home. Things had gone really well and I thought we had grown closer and had such a fun time with him when we were together. He had told me that while he was gone we would stay close. Then he left again late that summer (Around the end of July if I remember correctly) We also had that same long distance relationship and alot of sweet loving words were said over the phone. It was while he was gone I found out about you. 

Again, what he told me and what happened were apparently two different things.  I was told that he was only in town for three days!  That's why we only got together once, and then it was just phone calls after that.  Also, he was probably saying all the same things on the phone to us both!  What a bastard!

I am a pretty gifted witch and something he said to me one night back in the fall of 2008 just didn't sit right, so I did some magical work and was led straight to you. Not only you, but other women as well. I knew of his sexual past and some of his more interesting fetishes so I tried not think to much about it at the time. (I had really fallen seriously in love with [womanizer] at this time and didn't want to face the truth)It wasn't until he got home a year ago last march when things started to happen in a more serious manner.

I saw him the day after he got home....And like you, he was ready to start a serious relationship with me. I had let go of the feelings of untruthfulness with him because I was so in love with him and really really wanted to believe I was the only one. The sex for the first 4 to 6 weeks was incredible but then the lies started to come to the surface again, He started to stand me up as well, sometimes I wouldn't even get a phone call.

He was ready to start a relationship with a both!  He was telling us both he wanted something serious!  WHAT A BASTARD.  I don't think there is any limit to the number of times I can call him a bastard, in fact I think we should contact Merriam-Websters and have them change the definition from "an illegitimate child" to "[womanizer]: See also, dick, asshole, prick, fucktard, and whiney little bitch."

After I dug around a little and with my special gifts, I learned he was standing me up to see you and other women. And I get the feeling that he was standing you up to see me and the others as well. I confronted him about you, told him I knew all about you....his answer to me about you was....Angie is a child who doesn't know what she wants, I would never in a million years be with a girl like Angie.

So I'm a little child who doesn't know what I want?  Yes, I didn't know what I wanted back then, mainly because the guy I was dating was gone all the time and treating me like shit.  He can't expect to come home and jump right into a serious relationship (with multiple women, but that's another story) and expect me to be ready right away.  He can't expect me to just forget all the times he stood me up.  Normal people date for a while (you know, in person) before deciding to be serious with each other.

What I LOVE about that statement is the way I signed my email to him Friday night, before I knew any of this.  After telling him I deserved someone more worthy than him, someone who was a decent human being, I said "I finally know what I want, and I wont settle for less."  It doesn't get any more perfect than this.

The lies were flooding out of him. I stopped talking to him around June of last year. It was around 2 months(About August)when he came knocking on my email window with an apology and wanting to see me again. And of course the old feelings of love came forth and I let him back in my life. This time for only about 6 weeks when the lies started again. I was finding out he was lying to me about the stupidest things and when I actually called him on it he turned it all around on me and told me I was crazy needy and clingy and he needed to step back. The truth of the matter was he was trying to hide the fact he was becoming an alcoholic.(Which I can clearly see that right now he is a full blown alcoholic, its really sad)

A:  Karma's a bitch.

B: August was just about when he came knocking at my door again too, then had a total break down and said he couldn't handle a relationship and said he started seeing a shrink.  The guy was actually telling me he couldn't date me until he was healed (as per his shrink) but that he wanted me to wait for him to be ready.  That's when I finally said "Fuck this noise" and started moving on with my life.  I'm so grateful that I did!

4 months went by and once again, here he comes knocking on my Yahoo IM wanting some love and forgiveness, With extreme caution, I saw him once around his birthday and that was the last time I've seen him. He's stood me up twice times since then and it has become very clear he is avoiding me. I truly believe it was because I told him no sex till he got his shit together and started to treat me right.

Wow, it really shows a man's character to see that when you present him with the option of not having sex, he disappears.  This shows what he really wants you for, the sex.  I never want to be with another person who uses me for just sex, in fact, I'd kind of like to cut off his balls..

Oh.  Enough taking the high road, the dude already had a hard time getting it up.  He blamed it on shrapnel or something, which could be, but it doesn't change the fact that the boy is still a limp noodle.  Maybe it's really guilt, since he's treating all of these different women like trash.  Serves him right.

I'm so happy to see you grow stronger and be able to move on from this man. Something I'm finding a very very difficult task. Ive watched you for the last two years from afar Angie and this last blog you've posted has shown me just what a remarkable young lady you truly are. Even when I knew about you and became extremely jealous I sent you blessing from afar that you may one day grow into your own power and into the wonderful individual you truly are.

I knew who she was when I saw her anon comments.  It's funny, I know because the first fight [womanizer] and I ever had was over her and I playing that stupid "Own Your Friends" game on Myspace.  It doesn't take gifts to remember that he was upset that we were both buying him in that stupid game, and at the time he just told me that she had been a friend with benefit in the past that he was only friends with now and he hardly saw her because she still had feelings for him that he didn't return.  I should have seen right through it then.  Asshole.

Being the gifted witch that I am, a witch who can manifest nearly anything into my life, who can bring myself money when I need it,that I never worry about a job nor do I worry about a lack of abundance in my life due to my craft, yet I seem to not be able to move past this thing called [womanizer]. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him and have just not been able to let go since that day. I am so proud that you were able to the hard thing I just can't. You have given me hope.

I give you blessings Angie that you continue to grow and be strong in yourself. That your power may manifest beautiful wonderful magnificent things into your life. I bless you Angie that your true soul mate may one day find you and treat you just the way you deserve to be treated. I bless you in this way that maybe the Gods may see me and take pity on a broken soul, a soul broken by [womanizer], and that they may help me to put it back together again and move on from the pain he has caused me.

My the Goddesses help me for I still love him.....Trusting him, that's a whole different story. I don't trust that big man as far as I can throw him......But Love him yes.

I Bless you Angie!!!!!

I wrote her back, sympathizing with her and offering her support, and she has since emailed me trying to explain why she is still waiting for him even after all of this bullshit.  She said the Universe/Gods/Guides are telling her he's her soul mate and she needs to stick it out.  Unfortunately at this time I don't think I can be that support  for her.  The Universe told me to stick it out with him, and look where it got me?  I thought I was going to marry him and be with him forever, and it was honestly a feeling I felt I was getting from the powers that be, but I was wrong.  So very wrong.

Though I had moved on before I found this out, it doesn't change the fact that it was a serious blow to me.  That's two guys in a row that were liars and cheats, two guys I settled for when I should have been out finding someone real.

Two fakes that can really go fuck themselves.

I wasted just over two years of my life with these jackasses, and I'm done wasting time.  The next guy is going to be Mr. Right.  Not Mr. Right Now.  If they can't make the grade, I'm done.  If I catch them in a lie, they're gone.  No second chances, no more bullshit.  I will not go through this again.

Sorry, I just can't do it right now.  I appreciate all of the nice things you've said, and I'm sorry you have to go through it too... I just need time to step back from the whole thing and breath.  For now, all I can do is wish for you the healing and strength that is due you.

*Post edited on 9/11/12: Check out my post called Blog Standards & Why I Don't Delete Posts to find out why! 

I Wont Settle For Less

Today I feel slightly slightly vindicated. Care to know why?

Those of you who've been with me since the early stages of this blog will remember this guy:

Those of you who don't remember, or have just joined us (and there are so many new followers, I'm so excited about you all!) meet [womanizer].  [Womanizer] was an army boy who I met the summer of 2008, where we had two really awesome dates, and then I was stood up for the third date only to find out days later that the military had shipped him out.  He didn't feel the need to call and tell me our date was off.  Then, after not hearing from him for an entire month, he comes home for his brothers wedding and we finally hook up for our third date before he went back to his assignment.  After that, we talked nearly every day.

I fell for him.  I honestly thought I would end up marrying him.  I was a hopeless fool.

We had our fair share of troubles, as any long-distance-military-relationship is bound to encounter.  I'll admit he wasn't totally to blame for the dysfunctional relationship we shared, however it just kept getting worse.  He came home ready to have a relationship with me the minute he got back, and I wasn't ready.  Then after a few months we decided to give it a go again, I was ready to give it my all, but this time he decided he wasn't ready.

Throughout the whole relationship I was stood up quite often, 8 out of 10 times on average, and the two times he was there he would be late or it would be a rescheduled time.

He kept coming back, as I have found they are prone to do, however every time he'd try to set up a time to see me again, he'd just not show.  No call, no text, nothing but me waiting my the telephone pissed off because he made me a fool yet again.  The last time was just after New Years, after which I stopped speaking to him and haven't worried about it since.

However, last night he felt the need to email me saying how he missed me and wanted to know if we were ever going for sushi.  THE NERVE!!!  He'd only stood me up for sushi about eight million times before this!

I responded and told him that I don't think we will go for sushi because he stood me up every time before that.  I also told him that it's time I grow up and stop playing these childish games, and that for once I know what I want and don't plan on settling for less!

via

Aren't you proud of me?

I'm proud of me.  I feel like a new woman!

I don't need any man to make me whole, and I certainly don't need to go back to a dysfunctional relationship because I miss the companionship.  I'm doing just fine on my own!  Thank you very much!

I love ME too much to let that happen again.

Oh, and it's true; 

I do know what I want, and I wont settle for less! 

I leave you with a lovely quote the beautiful Lacey shared.

 

Bitches Be Crazy

*Warning* There is some fowl language below, it's in the screen-shots. *Warning*

So I have had this "friend" named Amber.  In fact I talked about her last year on my blog by wishing her a happy birthday and telling her I loved her.  Last year, I also talked to her nearly every day, hung out with her, and even accompanied her as the third wheel for a date in Tooele she was worried about.  I even drove on that date because she didn't want to drive!  I try to be a good friend, and I think that goes above and beyond.

Now, as a pre-statement, this isn't the first time she's acted like this.  Last year a group of friends and I went camping, and a few weeks before we texted (both Josh and I) Amber to tell her when we were going and let her know she was welcome to come.  We never heard from her, so we went ahead and went.  When we got back, she freaked out at us both and called us horrible names saying we were liars and had never invited her.  We didn't talk for months after.

Well, we made up and I added her back to Facebook and she sent MASSIVE amounts of invites begging everyone to join her and play Farmville and Petville, and various other games; Except, I didn't want to.  She even popped up on my messenger telling me to do it, and when I told her I didn't want to, she freaked.  She said "What, are you too good for these games?"  I told her no, and that my life was too busy and I didn't have time to waste online playing games, and that I did have a farm, but had created it at a time when I had nothing better to do.  Her response was "ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?" I tried to calm her down and say I wasn't implying anything, and then I avoided talking to her because she picks a fight over everything.

Well Monday on Facebook was the absolute end of any kind of friendship we ever had.  All because she did what she always does and freaked out over something insignificant.   I took screen-shots, because it's so bizarre I didn't think anyone would believe me.

(Last names are blurred to protect the innocent, y'know, except for the non innocent.)

So it was my status, where I was just being funny, that SHE left a rude comment on.  I figured I'd just joke around back (even if there was a little truth in that joke!)  So this is what I was greeted with the next day.

I'll admit, at first I was shaky, because that's how I feel when someone is attacking me, but then I just didn't care.  She's caused enough drama in my life and it's about time I was done dealing with her.  I texted a few friends and had them go look, especially since we were mutual friends and I wanted them to understand my decision to cut her out of my life.

*NOTE* Where she said "I'm sure you'll tell me the same thing that, that's the way everyone feels about me"  That's what all of my friends HAVE told me.  They told me she's drama and throws fits over stupid stuff so I should just not worry about it, I should have listened and deleted her the first time they told me!

My good friend Ortie texted me with: "She must be talking about herself!  She must not consider me part of the group, because I never talk to her and I love you."  Which immediately made me feel better.  Then, as the day went on I quickly learned that one kind word from a true friend can override many hateful words from a fake.  My amazing friends quickly came to my defense and I felt so much love from the way they spoke about me.  See for yourself!

Heather's right, she probably reacted that way because I struck a cord with something she doesn't like about herself.  A lot of Psychologists say we attack the things in others that we hate about ourselves.

A little light joking is great in a stressful situation.  David also texted me "Let's forget the crazy lady and be happy!"

I was so touched by what Bree had to say, she's such a sweetheart!

I love how Anjula totally stood up for me!

Yeah, my sister was probably the most correct. LOL!  Honestly, I generally never have problems with my friends, but little sisters always know the part of you that can be "pissy and mean" don't they?  Haha!

At first I was a little offended at what Josh said (this is my roommate) but then Heather said "Aren't we all drama queens?  She's just the one with the problem about it!"  and Josh agreed with her.  He's just reinforcing what I said earlier about people attacking things in others they don't like in themselves.  I love how he signed it kisses!

Thanks Andy!  You rock my socks off too!

Haha!  Kristina is super protective of me.

Haha!  This is extra funny because she freaked out over the Farmville thing, go Jon, and thanks for thinking I'm a great friend!

I love my friends they really are awesome!  If you'll notice, I never responded to her, and I didn't need to.  The love of my friends spoke volumes, and each of their comments touched me deeply!

Then my friend Angel messaged me the conversation they had.

2:48pm Angel

are you ok?

2:49pm Amber
yeah why?

2:49pm Angel
just saw what you wrote on Angie's wall

2:50pm Amber
yeah so.. honey, I've never liked angie.. big deal. ya know?

2:51pm Angel
ah. ok. i thought you did
 

2:51pm Amber
no, honey I tried to like her but she's 2 much drama for me

i have enough drama duh!
 

2:52pm Angel
lol yeah
 

2:53pm Amber
I hate reading all her stupid post every fucking day and I was only joking at first, but as usual she had to make it drama lol

WTF?  If you'll look back to that first screen-shot-I'd like you to be the judge of who started the drama here.

That conversation is just funny to me, because it either makes her A: a liar and hypocrite, or B: A user.  Because she sure thought I was a great friend when I coaxed her through her boy drama (when she texted her boyfriend a million times because she hadn't heard from him and freaked out until he eventually dumped her.) or when I drove her to Tooele and had a horrible time playing the third wheel, but did it to be a good friend.  So she's either lying now about how she felt then, or she was using me then, which is good to know because I don't need either of those traits in a friend!.

Since all of this happened, her 10 year old daughter tried to add me on Facebook and we're thinking either Amber wanted her to so she could check up on me, or she wanted to be able to chew me out for her mother.  When I didn't add the little girl, she started messaging my friend Angel and asking her if she liked me and calling me a drama queen.  It's funny, I only met the girl once, and it was because I gave her a ride to her friends house on the other side of town... That must make me a horrible person.

Amber and her daughter are deleted and I've blocked them, and the only sad part is she deleted me before she got to see all of those wonderful responses from my friends (and a couple of hers) that pointed out how crazy she is; but that's ok, it's not like she would have changed anyway.  I'm much better off having all of these wonderful friends in my life than wasting time worrying about her.  Losing her was no skin off my back, I just thought I'd post all this because it was HILARIOUS!

Personally, when drama comes into my life I get a good laugh, share it with all my wonderful readers (that's you, hope you laughed too!) and then cut it out of my life!  I foresee a lot less drama now.  :)

*NOTE: I didn't post this to be negative, rather to show the outpouring of love and support I received from my friends and family.  I am so lucky to have them in my life!*

You're So Vain

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don't you?

Well guess what, this particular one... IS!

I thought I'd just take a quick moment to tell you that every time we're over here laughing and having a good time, and you get all butt-hurt because you think we're talking about you.  We're not.  Sure, sometimes one of your idiotic actions gives us something to have a good chuckle over, but mostly we're just having fun without you.

Whaaaaaa?  You mean you actually thought we couldn't have fun without you? 

News flash:  It's A LOT more fun without you! 

Also, the fact that I'm somewhat of an ex, and I'm friends with your big-time ex-doesn't have anything to do with you either.  We get along, we sit by each other, and we have fun!  Sure, you being a total dick-face to us both probably encouraged the bonding, but now?  Now we're friends despite your constant pleas for her not to speak to me because I "don't really know you."

I don't care what you do, I don't care what you think, and I certainly don't care enough to be over here telling her things about you.

Not everything is about you, so BUGGER OFF.

Really, go cry in a corner or something, you're pretty good at that.

This lovely little insight into the psyche of The Pothead, is brought to you by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, and this weeks Prompts.

1. You’re so vain. You probably think this post is about you…don’t you? 
2. Tell us about your trip.
3. A difficult conversation.
4.  Can you almost stop time with your words? Write about the fastest ride you ever had, but describe only a few seconds of it…as though it was happening to slow motion.
5.  Who blind-sided you? Write about a time someone caught you totally off guard.

Choose one, or as many as you want, and write about it, then head on over and link up with the fun!

I Totally Giggled When He Kissed Me

Hello Lovelies!  It's Monday and I'm back at work after five whole days of laying around on the couch being sick.  I'm still a bit sick, but functional enough and surprisingly happy to be sitting in my cubicle at work.  Nothing like feeling useless nearly a week to make you appreciate your job.  I'd much rather be dealing with grumpy customers than feeling like I was hit in the face by a two-by-four.  That's what a sinus infection will do to you.

Anyway, I also notice that when I'm not working my blogging is lacking.  Basically because it's the only thing I can do in my spare time at work, and when I'm home I don't get to it as much.  That's sad, I really love blogging!  Another reason I'm happy to be back, because I'm giving my lovely little blog some much needed attention.

I decided I'd like to play along with All About MEme Monday, which I haven't done in a while, and they want us to write about our first kiss, so I thought it could be fun to try and recall it.  So here goes!  It'll probably be a bit long as I've been meaning to write this story down for a while.

When I was 18 years old, my best friend from high school moved two hours away to go to college.  We had been nearly inseparable our Senior year and the summer that followed; so this was a big deal for me.  I missed her so we talked nearly every day on the phone, and I found myself making the two hour drive up to visit her every couple of weekends.  

One night on the phone, she was telling me how she'd met this guy at school, and they were getting along pretty well.  The problem being, he had feelings for her and she had already decided he was just a friend.  However, she enjoyed his company and said she'd like for me to meet him.  So we planned that the next time we came down, we'd all get together and do something fun.

I still remember the first time I met him, it's as vivid in my mind as a snapshot.  He pulled up in front of her dorm, and got out to meet us.  The moment I saw him looking at us over the top of his car, I liked him; it was as if we clicked then and there. As things progressed we became friends and I spent a lot of nights chatting with him on AIM (Does anyone remember that anymore?  Haha!) and falling head-over-heels for him while listening to him talk about how much he was in love with my best friend. It was almost tragic. 

Then, one day when I'd finally had enough, she told him that there would never be anything between them and I promptly confessed that I was in love with him.  Without a word, he logged off of messenger leaving me worrying and wounded.

However, after he'd had time to process it, he called me and smoothed things over and we set up a plan to get together with a group of friends.  That date had to be one of the most awkward I've ever been on.  It was my first actual date (even if it was with a group of friends) and I earned myself the nickname "Ice Queen" because I was so awkward I almost seemed cold; but as time went by I warmed up to him, and we kept talking while apart.  Two hours distance is difficult in relationships, especially for your first one. 

The day I had my first kiss, I had driven the two hours from Spanish Fork to Ogden to meet him for the evening.  We went to dinner, and then found ourselves at the little park by Beus Pond where we laid in the grass next to each other and looked at the stars.  He was a physics major and I had always been a big fan of a starlit night, so he took delight in pointing out all of the various constellations, and I took delight in him laying next to me and the joy he received from teaching me.  I was hopeless, as all girls are apt to be with their first love. 

Since it was a cold October evening, we were shivering after about an hour of laying in teh cool grass staring at the clear sky; though neither of us wanted the evening to end.  The only solution seemed to be to climb into the back seat of his car and run the heater while we cuddled up and talked.  Two young people snuggled up in the back seat of a beige Saturn was bound to bring something more, but we were both inexperienced and awkward in our affections. 

He wanted to kiss me, he stated it out loud, and I giggled.  I'd never been kissed, and even though I longed for him to kiss me, I felt nervous and jittery at the thought of it. 

He kissed my cheek and it flushed red as I giggled again.

The boy was persistent, and eventually our lips met and sparked as fire shot through me.  Or at least that's the way my naive self experienced it.   It was amazing, and all I wanted to do was keep kissing.  From that moment, I was hooked.

It's funny how the world works, and how you remember things looking back.  You never get that very first kiss again, even though life is still filled with first kisses.  The first kiss with so-and-so, the first kiss after this or that, but never THE first kiss.  That kiss is forever etched into my history, and he's forever etched into my memory as my very first.  The rest of that bizarre relationship is another story for another day... A "to be continued" sort of post; if you will.

For now?  I can't wait for my next first kiss with someone special... I do so miss kissing, and I'm on edge, as if waiting for the next chapter in my life, and the next leading role to be filled... We shall see what comes of it...  Who's lips will meet mine next? One can only guess!

Just for kicks, here's a picture of this particular ex, the best friend, and me from around the time when this story took place. This photo would have been October 23rd, 2004 on her 19th birthday.