Dear So & So: A Laugh At A Dumb Ex's Expense

Dear TW,

I am shockingly glad that you didn't hire me back.  The new job is SO much better, and I'm happy and plan on excelling very quickly here.  Have fun being an old boys club and losing all of your good employees because they're so frustrated with how you're treating them.

Peace Out!

Dear Spoiled Brat,

I've been feeling sorry for you, because you had such a rough go of it with your parents.  Yes your dad was an alcoholic ass and your mom was too drugged up to be a mom, but that doesn't give you the right to still act like a spoiled five year old at 19!  I think at some point you REALLY need to learn to grow up.  I've been excusing how you've been acting because I knew your Dad and how he acted, but you know what?  Your little sister had the same dad and she's the sweetest and most considerate 15 year old I've ever met.

I've done nothing but try to help you with your wedding that's coming up.  Since you don't have parents, I figured I'd help and be a great faux auntie, but your selfish bratty actions have made me decide not to.  You demand things, even when they're not offered, and you make snarky public comments about the help I offered you.  So I'm done.  You're on your own.

Maybe being on your own will help you grow up for once.  Also, you can't act the way you have been in your workplace, sometime you'll realize it when your employers start laying you off more frequently.

Time to grow up.

Dear Spoiled Brat's Sister,

You are the sweetest little faux niece I've ever had! I'm so glad to know you and I'm hoping to get to know you better!

Stay awesome! 

Dear Someone Else,

I do kind of like you, except for the fact that I'm feeling pretty happy being single and you don't seem to be interested.  But maybe you're just dense.  Men can be that way, especially nerdy ones.

It's probably for the best.

Dear Readers,

Please enjoy this next letter, as I fully expect it to give you some laughs.  In fact, I was in class when I read it, and had to hurry and clamp my hand over my mouth in order to keep from bursting out in a very loud guffaw. Heather said she was literally rolling when I texted it to her.  So please, have a laugh at the expense of one of my dumbest exes.

Love you all!

Dear Pothead,

So I heard you said you could understand how your other ex, Heather, and me hate you, and that you're "over it."  In fact, I believe you said "I'd even date Angie again if it wouldn't be weird."  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Really?

First off, way to pretend to "be the bigger person;" no one buys it.

Second, what would make you think you'd even remotely have a chance at that?  I'd sooner join a nunnery than ever have to spend 5 seconds in your insipid company.  If I had to sit and hear you make up random factoids about songs and musicians (with which google or wikipedia would quickly disprove) or if I had to look at your mangy hair or even the bull-dyke cut you soon sported after that, I would vomit.

I really hope you and the Soggy Rotten Mango NEVER break up.  I honestly wish you guys a long-lasting relationship so that no one else in the world has to put up with either of you.

You're funny when you pretend to be open minded.