There is a drive deep inside of us that pushes us to get close to people. It doesn't matter who you are, or how much you deny it, contact is a part of our baser human needs. Science has proven that babies who aren't touched enough, die. So it goes as we get to be adults, those of us who are not loved and touched, tend to hide ourselves away from the world and continue to shut people out until it gets worse and worse and we finally try to kill ourselves because we just can't take it anymore. Therefore even as adults if we aren't touched enough, we die.
My father often tells me that at about the age of two I stopped cuddling. I was always too busy for such things and when you're a toddler on the go, you're lucky if you stop to give hugs and kisses. As I grew older this stuck with me, and I eventually gained a bubble in which I didn't let people through for much more than a quick-awkward hug. When you're constantly blocking the physical attention, you also learn to distance yourself emotionally. You start to justify it in your head, calling yourself "self-reliant" and "independent", but deep down you're shutting yourself off and blocking people out. What they say is true; old habits do indeed die hard.
Since my first boyfriend had to burst through the bubble, I've done pretty good for dropping my defenses and starting to let people close. Physical contact has become much easier for me, but I'll still admit to a certain level of emotional distance. Yes, I call it "self-reliance/Independence" but honestly, it's a self-preservation tactic I've picked up to keep myself from getting hurt over the years. If I let someone in, I get attached quickly and easily, and that attachment only gets stronger over time. I have several dear friends in my life that I feel as if I couldn't live without, and I like it that way, but attachments don't always end as well as these have.
This distance, has also gotten me into trouble a few times. The most recent being my first date with [womanizer] after he got back, where I distanced myself so far that I pushed him away even though I very much wanted him close. Fear is stupid, but I let it get in and build walls and I didn't fight hard enough to keep the door open because I was afraid. For my last date, I tore the walls down and left myself open and vulnerable. This was a much better night which has left me feeling a bit "twitterpated" and attached, as usual. Now I can't help but keep thinking about it and I'm trying very hard not to over-analyze anything.
This was a very long post when what I really wanted to say was that I'm not sure I like being left open and vulnerable. It's been a long time since I let myself start to fall for someone who might actually reciprocate the feeling, and it's making me feel a bit... Needy? Is that the word I want? I want him to call me, and it's making me a little crazy that I haven't heard from him... I know he's busy, I just want some inkling that he's still feeling the way I am. Or that I have indeed been forgiven for the freak-show that was our first date, because I was so incredibly awesome & natural (though klutzy - which is also natural) on our second date. Gods help me, I don't know if I like being a girl in the relationship!
*Sigh* I'm definitely going to fall for him...
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