Numb

Today finds this blank "create post" screen taunting me, as I am finding it difficult to make any sense of the emotions that are swirling around so quickly inside of me that they leave me numb. At this moment, numb is good. Numb keeps me from breaking down in public, it keeps me closer to the edge of self-control, and it allows me to distract myself with work and editing stories. However, numb is not conducive to good writing and/or good blogging.

So here I sit, staring at the screen in front of me and typing out my numbness in hopes that it will flow into some form of actual expression, anything at all. Even as I explain this emptiness inside of me I am teetering on the verge of breaking that barrier, that thin line between numb and overwhelmed, that I dare not cross for fear I will lose my ability to function. When you're working an eight hour shift dealing with customers and coworkers, some sense of normal functioning is a necessity. That ability must be maintained until I find myself in the security of my bed, under the blankets where I can hide myself away from the world once more and allow myself to fall to pieces.

Something slightly funny, in an effort to distract myself I decided to check my horoscope today. How accurate can these things be really? "Boost your blue mood with some nice conversation today. Seek out a funny friend." My moods generally don't get any more blue than what I'm feeling right now, and how I wish I had contact with a funny friend right now... I could use a pick-me-up. Unfortunately the people that I would normally contact first, are inappropriate or unavailable at this time. That leaves me wondering who to turn to besides myself, and feeling awfully alone.

I'm just not sure exactly what to say or do to make everything ok, I'm not sure how to turn things around and make it better. How can you show someone that everything you say has more meaning that they're absorbing? That you not only speak from your own heart but with the wisdom of the Universe whispering in your ear as well? There's no way I can give up the fight, not when it's this important to me, I will not lay down and surrender. This is not over.