Just a Quickie - Cuz I'm Freaking Out!

I just got a voice mail... [[Womanizer]] is in Salt Lake!!!! I'm really freaking out right now, I don't know why it freaks me so badly, but it does...

I thought I had a few more weeks... A few weeks to prepare and reconcile some emotions I've been having, but I DON'T! It's now! He's home and I have to be ready now! Whoa..

I had a bit of a panic attack... I'm so not ready!

Let's Psycho-Analyze Me

I am exhausted. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Kailee, Devin & Hailey Waiting for their story at bedtime.

First off, I'm physically exhausted because I went to the midnight showing of Watchmen last night which was an absolutely awesome movie! Totally worth it to get less than three hours of sleep because I had to get up with Kristina's kids which I'm watching this weekend. Matt's kids are here as well, which makes it super exhausting. Beyond exhausting as I just cannot always handle 4 kids under the age of 4, it's too much. By noon I was craving adult conversation, and let's face it, Matt doesn't count. (Usually because he's too focused on legal stuff, so he doesn't really count for conversation at all most of the time.) It can be fun playing Mommy, but it can also be WAY too much. I was happy to read them a story and put them to bed tonight.

Otherwise, I'm emotionally exhausted because I just don't get why it all has to happen at once when it isn't wanted. I came to the conclusion tonight that I choose to have messed up relationship issues. Matthew told me that I was like a cat - If you love me and want to come up and pet me I run from you, but if you're unavailable and don't want me at the time... Well then I go chasing you and try to climb into your lap and beg for loving. It's so messed up, and it's so damned true! So how does this apply to real life? Let me break it down...

I have this awesome guy who is madly in love with me, who is probably perfect for me in so many ways, who is coming home from the military in two weeks and is all psyched to be with me. How do I feel? I'm freaking out. The line from Dr. Horrible keeps going through my head "With my freeze ray I will stop, the pain..." All I can think is how I wish I had a freeze ray to stop time because I feel it's going too fast... Mr. Awesome? Don't know if I want him. Why? Maybe because I just don't know him enough to be in love with him yet... OR just maybe it's because he's emotionally & physically available and he wants me back!!! WTF mate?

So ask me what I'm going to do, hell if I know... Maybe go chasing after the one guy who doesn't want me to chase after him? The one guy who doesn't want me! Yay! Let's go fall in love with that one! Better yet, let's make him the one that doesn't like intimacy and is probably a raging homosexual. Yes, you can see the real him, and you honest-to-god love the real him because he's super amazing, but he DOESN'T WANT YOU!!! That will be fun... He can reject me, I can let myself be heartbroken for a day (because I always bounce-back super quick), and then go back to having a good reason for being single... Uh oh, I think we may have just found the root of the problem here Doctor!

Maybe I'm not built for real relationships... Do you think that could be the case? I've had one serious long-term relationship before, and we all saw how that went. Granted, it was my first relationship at all, and it was my first heartbreak when it ended a 2 years later, but that was 2006... But come on, it's 2009 now! And I've had 3 years filled with meaningless flings, short-term relationships and one night stands... Oh let's not forget the poly amorous stint and also the FWBs along the way... But oh how much fun I've had with my FWBs. I'm not sure I really want to give that up just yet...

So is it my fear of failure? Or a fear of commitment? I'm deathly afraid of stagnancy, and even more afraid of becoming some caged little bird... I need a partner that is ever changing and growing with me, and who can be spontaneous and give me space to spread my wings when needed. Someone who understands that I'm a total freak who is positively giddy when they cut the guys arm off with a chainsaw in the movie, but who is also a lover and a nurturer who has an uncanny way with children and animals... That I'm the girl who's drinking and dancing and flirting, and then the next day meditating on some rock in the forest all earthy and beautiful. The girl who secretly longs for the picket fence, but who also wishes that picket fence had wheels so she could keep moving, and that if it's posted into the ground... Well she worries that one day she'll get bored and tear it down...

Wow... I just re-read this and I sound like a total psych case... I mean really... It's probably just because it's tonight, and I feel a little emotionally unstable, so I'm just writing and pouring out thoughts as they come... Please take everything I just said with a grain of salt, because knowing me... I may feel entirely differently tomorrow... Also, a lot of it is complete exaggeration! LOL, because it was just fun to tear into my issues for a moment... lol

Commitment Issues?

Yes, I'll admit it, I have commitment issues. I probably should have been born a man, doesn't it seem like they have the excuse for being afraid to settle down? Maybe it's just a stereotype, I've known plenty of men who were happy to settle down and start a family, but I honestly haven't known very many women. It's strange to me, that I should feel this way, and I don't know just at what point it was that I started feeling like this. Growing up, I had your typical girl fantasies about meeting "prince charming" and settling down in a big house with a dog and a couple kids. However, now that I'm grown up and moving ever closer to that reality... I find myself actually dreading it. However, and here's the kicker, I also still want it. That's the story of my life, I'm always most afraid of the things I want the most, every time! What's with that?

In any case, I'm going to have to decide what I want, and sooner rather than later. [Womanizer] called me last night, and he actually has papers in his hand that say he will be in Salt Lake City on the 20th of March. Wow! I knew he was coming home soon, in fact it was originally planned for the 20th of Feb, but you know the US Govt. They pushed it back to March, which I'm sorry to say was a slight relief. It's not that I don't want to see him, because I really do, it's just that whole "I'm afraid of what I want" thing.

For those of you who I don't see often (like my family) [womanizer] is a guy I started dating last May, but he got called away to Georgia by the Army right after our second date. The first month he was gone I didn't hear from him much, but he then came home for a wedding, we had our third date and we talked on the phone every day after that. He came home for the holidays briefly and accidentally met my parents, and that was a little weird for me, but at the same time impressive because him and my father got along shockingly well. My dad has never liked any of my boyfriends, but he even pulled me aside at Grandma Delight's on Xmas eve to say "Now don't rush into anything because he's on the other side of the country, but I think this one is a keeper. He has his head on straight." Which is a huge compliment if you're dating his daughter. Ha ha! So weird, but still... Kind of cool... From the first moment I met [womanizer], I had a feeling about him. It wasn't one of those "girly-hopeful" feelings, but a gut feeling where I just knew that no matter what happened I was probably going to end up with him. Which both frightens and intrigues me.

So [womanizer] called me last night and told me the news about his orders, and then he made me talk about why I was so afraid of it, and how I felt about him. For being a fairly gifted writer, I sure have a hard time when it comes to putting my own emotions into words, I get so emotionally blocked off. To my humiliation, I cried, and I felt so dumb! I'm also surprised just how much information I finally shared with him. We've always had really good communication, but there are certain things you hold back from someone. He managed to get me to confess about my feeling, and then shocked me by telling me he'd had the same feeling all along and hadn't shared it with me. I admitted to him that I had seriously contemplated whether or not I could survive 8 years with him in the military (because at the time he was planning on going for full retirement) and that I had about decided I could do the traveling thing for a few years and then settle down at 30 when he retired. Another shocker came when he told me that if I had confessed that months ago, he would have stayed here and take then position the army offered him in Tooele. Wow.

Suffice it to say, our whole conversation last night, pretty much put each other in our futures. We spoke of the future like we expected the other to be there. He admitted his dismay at the fact that I have asked him to start over dating me when he gets home, and that he thinks it's because I want to date other people to. That's not why, not to say I hadn't thought of it, but the real reason is because I really want to be wooed. I've never really been chased and romanced (not by available men anyway) and have never received flowers, or felt like someone was trying to woo me. If he's to be my last, I want to experience it all! He said that if we end up together, he'll spend the rest of my life wooing me, even after we've been married for 30 years... So sweet.

So the conversation put me a little more at ease, I'm a little less freaked out by it and a little more twitterpated with him. For now, however, I'm not done playing. I have a month until he gets home to play and party with my friends and other dates, and when he gets home I'm going to ease into it with every intention of making it last. I don't want to rush into it, only to be rushing out of it in the future. We shall see how this goes...

Je Suis Fatigué

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I'm trying to learn French... Yes, it's kind of in bits and pieces as I pick it up from my friends, but it's certainly fun! Kristina and I downloaded a program too, but it's on her computer and we haven't sat down and played with it much... Maybe I should copy it to my computer, or burn it to a cd and listen to it in my car. In any case, I'll decide something I want to say and then ask Ken how to say it and go around using that phrase all day. Today it is "Je suis fatigué" which means "I am tired." LOL, I know a few small things here and there too, and certain words... So when Josh and Jon sat together and spoke french, I could actually pick up on a few words, which leads to me figuring out the basic gist of the conversation. It's fun! I am actually really enjoying learning it.

On another note, I have to mention that I love-love-LOVE Joss Whedon's new series Dollhouse. Josh messaged me last night and said I really needed to watch it, so I pulled up Hulu and watched the first two episodes. Brilliant! And Eliza Dushku really rocks my socks in this role. The only thing I worry about, is that it currently is airing on Fox. I don't trust that they wont make me fall in love with the show and then yank it out from under me like they did Firefly. Bastards. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts right?

And yes, je suis fatigue. I don't know why I'm so tired, I went to bed fairly early last night... It was like 11pm, and I slept til about 9am this morning... (Give or take tossing and turning a slight bit, and some strange dreams I don't quite remember.) I thought that sleeping for almost 10 hours would make up for the minmial sleep I received this weekend, but I was wrong. It's been a long time since I went 48 hours on less than an hour of sleep. I miss those days when I could continually not sleep (i.e. working theatre until 3am, going home and reading my book until 5am and then getting back up for school/more theatre.) I'm only 23 years old, I should still be able to party and then get up and go to work! Haha!

In any case, the weekend was eventful. Saturday (following my previous blog) I had a bit of a freak out about my personal space and broke down a bit. Kristina recognized this and we totally gutted my room and re-arraged everything so I can put it in the closet and close the door and have good organization. We also moved the futon into Kailee's room so that I had more walking space. It felt good to clean it, and I dubbed it my pre-spring cleaning and felt amazingly better after. However, now when I walk in my room... It feels too... Empty. I need to put pictures up or find some new furnature for it... Maybe I'll get myself a bookshelf so I can finally put my books out.

After I felt better I swung up and picked up Josh and Max and brought them to my house where we played strategy games. The games only allow for 6 players so I sat the first one out and finally finished my book. I'm going to blog about it next, it's amazing and I think everyone should read it. It's The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz, and I plan on re-purchasing it in the future. Haha, it'll be the third time I buy that book, and I think it's awesome. I bought two copies just before Yule, and gave one to [womanizer], and then I read the other. I had the strongest urge to give it to another friend to read, so when I finished it I jotted down a quick note for him in the cover and turned it over to him perminantly. I love that feeling. I like when I feel like a book chooses me, and when I feel like it has a further purpose and I can pass it along... That's love, books = love for me.

OH! I forgot to mention that I actually made it up to the bowling alley on Friday to get my W2. Bree, I see what you mean about the car they had painted, it's... special. Really special. I got to say hi to Bob Scadden and catch up with Evelyn for a bit. Monty and Dick weren't there at first, but I did get to see the Kim, Savannah and the new baby which looks like a miniture Bridger, and therefore a miniture Monty. Shauna was there, and I bumped into Terry and Jay Jorgenson on the way out the door. How I miss that place sometimes! I did also get to see Dick and Monty as they arrived just as I was leaving, hugs all around and catching up. Apparently the Syracuse alley is coming along and is set to open in April, I need to check it out as it's just down the road from me. Is it wrong that I kind of want to go work there again?

Sunday morning I went to breakfast with Josh, Angel, Max and Jon at the Star Cafe, where we enjoyed ourselves and got to chat and have good food. After I dropped them all off at home, I stopped for gas at the Chevron on 21st and Harrison, and guess who I bumped into? Dick again, blue corvet and all. It was a strange coincidence, twice in one week after all these months... So we gabbed for a minute, and I told him I need to come visit Holly, and he said I should come over and see his new carpet. I might just do that. (Shut up Bree. I really honestly know what is going through your head right now and I don't like it! LMAO!)

I'll end this blog now, with one question... Why are my blogs always so long lately?

Je t'aime mes amis! I love you my friends!