Commitment Issues?

Yes, I'll admit it, I have commitment issues. I probably should have been born a man, doesn't it seem like they have the excuse for being afraid to settle down? Maybe it's just a stereotype, I've known plenty of men who were happy to settle down and start a family, but I honestly haven't known very many women. It's strange to me, that I should feel this way, and I don't know just at what point it was that I started feeling like this. Growing up, I had your typical girl fantasies about meeting "prince charming" and settling down in a big house with a dog and a couple kids. However, now that I'm grown up and moving ever closer to that reality... I find myself actually dreading it. However, and here's the kicker, I also still want it. That's the story of my life, I'm always most afraid of the things I want the most, every time! What's with that?

In any case, I'm going to have to decide what I want, and sooner rather than later. [Womanizer] called me last night, and he actually has papers in his hand that say he will be in Salt Lake City on the 20th of March. Wow! I knew he was coming home soon, in fact it was originally planned for the 20th of Feb, but you know the US Govt. They pushed it back to March, which I'm sorry to say was a slight relief. It's not that I don't want to see him, because I really do, it's just that whole "I'm afraid of what I want" thing.

For those of you who I don't see often (like my family) [womanizer] is a guy I started dating last May, but he got called away to Georgia by the Army right after our second date. The first month he was gone I didn't hear from him much, but he then came home for a wedding, we had our third date and we talked on the phone every day after that. He came home for the holidays briefly and accidentally met my parents, and that was a little weird for me, but at the same time impressive because him and my father got along shockingly well. My dad has never liked any of my boyfriends, but he even pulled me aside at Grandma Delight's on Xmas eve to say "Now don't rush into anything because he's on the other side of the country, but I think this one is a keeper. He has his head on straight." Which is a huge compliment if you're dating his daughter. Ha ha! So weird, but still... Kind of cool... From the first moment I met [womanizer], I had a feeling about him. It wasn't one of those "girly-hopeful" feelings, but a gut feeling where I just knew that no matter what happened I was probably going to end up with him. Which both frightens and intrigues me.

So [womanizer] called me last night and told me the news about his orders, and then he made me talk about why I was so afraid of it, and how I felt about him. For being a fairly gifted writer, I sure have a hard time when it comes to putting my own emotions into words, I get so emotionally blocked off. To my humiliation, I cried, and I felt so dumb! I'm also surprised just how much information I finally shared with him. We've always had really good communication, but there are certain things you hold back from someone. He managed to get me to confess about my feeling, and then shocked me by telling me he'd had the same feeling all along and hadn't shared it with me. I admitted to him that I had seriously contemplated whether or not I could survive 8 years with him in the military (because at the time he was planning on going for full retirement) and that I had about decided I could do the traveling thing for a few years and then settle down at 30 when he retired. Another shocker came when he told me that if I had confessed that months ago, he would have stayed here and take then position the army offered him in Tooele. Wow.

Suffice it to say, our whole conversation last night, pretty much put each other in our futures. We spoke of the future like we expected the other to be there. He admitted his dismay at the fact that I have asked him to start over dating me when he gets home, and that he thinks it's because I want to date other people to. That's not why, not to say I hadn't thought of it, but the real reason is because I really want to be wooed. I've never really been chased and romanced (not by available men anyway) and have never received flowers, or felt like someone was trying to woo me. If he's to be my last, I want to experience it all! He said that if we end up together, he'll spend the rest of my life wooing me, even after we've been married for 30 years... So sweet.

So the conversation put me a little more at ease, I'm a little less freaked out by it and a little more twitterpated with him. For now, however, I'm not done playing. I have a month until he gets home to play and party with my friends and other dates, and when he gets home I'm going to ease into it with every intention of making it last. I don't want to rush into it, only to be rushing out of it in the future. We shall see how this goes...