The Calm is Starting to Slip

I woke up surprisingly calm this morning, and with the way I left my conscious state last night, that was a surprise to me.  Mostly, I feel fine, other than my eyes are extra puffy from all the crying I did last night, and my stomach did not sit well with five shots of Canadian Host in it overnight. 

There really hasn't been an occasion on which I've downed liquor because I wasn't feeling emotionally well; I'm really not much of a drinker.  However, last night I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.  My head was spinning in so many directions, I wanted something to dull the thought process and basically knock me out.  The Whiskey was disgusting, and those five shots in succession without a chaser were foul, but I took it quick like medicine, and let the warmth flow over me.  Feeling all my emotions through the alcohol haze was a new and interesting sensation, and though it took longer than I had hoped for, it did the trick and I slept as soon as put down the computer and laid my head on the pillow.

 This morning I climbed out of bed as normal, acknowledged the eerie peace I felt, climbed in the shower and consciously told myself not to think about it.  The thoughts cannot all be kept at bay however, and the conversations with myself were endless.  Should I pack a bag?  No, I shouldn't, I'm not going to stay at his house like previously planned.  What if I change my mind?  Should I pack a bag anyway?  No, I really shouldn't, even if I change my mind I need to stick to my guns today.  Should I shave my legs?  He's not going to see them.  But what if?  And so forth throughout my morning routine. 

The drive to work was quiet and slow, the roads had yet to be plowed and the freeway moved at a steady pace of twenty miles per hour.  My radio was tuned to Radio From Hell, talk radio avoids songs that may trigger an emotional reaction, which would in turn ruin my makeup and poised exterior.  I don't want to cry again, at least not yet.  When I'm ready for the catharsis I will immerse myself in it and let it flow through me, but now is not the time.

It saddens me that I was supposed to go over there tonight. I have loved going over there, and now it's over.  If I wanted to, I'm sure I still could.  He probably doesn't even know I'm upset yet, but with news like this, how can I not be?  I sit a mere three feet from him all day, and have found that not even looking at him or speaking to him is probably what will get me through this day.  It's strength and maturity I need to show here, and I do not want to lose this composure I currently carry.  There was one moment today when I made eye contact, and I felt how easily it would be to slip, and I don't want to lose my footing here. 

Some gratitude is in order here, as for the last month and a half I have been happier than I have in a long time.  There have been moments of pure joy and love, where I felt lost in the moment and the feelings I began to feel deeper and fall harder.  At this moment in time, I miss that more than I can possibly say, and the loss is tearing at me... But I will survive it, I always do.

So this is my question:  Was it better for me to be living on in oblivious happiness?  To be content thinking he really cared about me when he was out seeing other people and not being up-front with me?  I was so happy... Now I'm miserable, but aware.  I know what is going on, and I know that in the long run I'll just get more attached and end up being more hurt... We never agreed to exclusivity, I can't fault him for that, but we did agree to honesty, and he didn't disclose the information to me.  Do I walk away now before I end up screwing myself over?  Or do I go back and try to be happy and content with what I have, because I care about him so? 

I'm not sure I can go back without feeling like I am not enough.  I want to be enough for someone.

I feel lost.  There are some difficult decisions to be made.  The calm is starting to slip...