This week's song:
Ready to Love Again
by Lady Antebellum
by Lady Antebellum
I know I posted about this back on an old Mixtape Monday post, but it's Spring and I'm feeling it, so I feel it warrants a re-posting. It's just a song I connect to very strongly, almost every single line.
I do feel like I've spent most of my life walking in the wrong direction.
I really don't recognize myself anymore; I am scared of love but scared of life alone.
I used to go out on dates all the time, I was confident (even with my insecurities) and dating was fun. Then I was burnt hard, and burnt again, and burnt again. Eventually the walls started coming up. I decided that taking a break from dating and sex was in my best interest. I was good at being alone, I'd done it most of my life, so after a brief stint in the dating world-with some good experiences and a lot of bruises from the bad-I needed to remind myself that it was ok to be alone. I needed to give myself time for the wounds to heal and the bruises to fade.
The few months I promised myself turned into a year, and as the year came and went I tried my hand at a few dates. I'd talk to these guys online, they'd seem really awesome, and then we'd go out and after 10 minutes I was ready to go home. I found a fault in them big enough to scare me away (to be fair, I wasn't attracted to them-but it does kind of feel like finding fault because I was afraid) and make an excuse to end the date early. I'd go home and give up dating again for a few months, then repeat the cycle.
Eventually there was one I liked, however I followed my pattern, I slept with him early and he didn't call again for a few months. Then he turned up and I gave him another chance, and he stopped calling again. This is a horrendous pattern that needs to end, I recognized this and gave up on the dating again...
Many more months have gone by now and I find myself with the urge to follow this song. To let go and be ready to love again. I want to go on a date, meet someone wonderful, and not be afraid of the fall down. I want to move on now without the fear of how it might end.
But I'm scared.
What if I repeat the same cycle?
Or what if I go out with someone and find fault enough to stop dating again?
What if I'm stuck in this forever and there's no happy ending?
What if some people are meant for love and some are not?
Maybe we're not all supposed to be happy...
If that's the case, how do I convince myself to be ok alone forever?
How do I forget that desire to love?
I'm about to make a plunge...
I'm tired of playing on the safe side
building walls around my heart to save me...
So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight
What's your song this week?
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A very personal post. I hope that you find that love soon.
ReplyDeleteOh you are so not alone! I have a bad pattern I need to break, as well.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why amazing gals like us get into this cycle where we feel we need or have to sleep with a guy we're interested in right away, or bend over backwards to give him a chance.
In truth, we should let him pursue us, woo us, and EARN us. And if he doesn't want to expend the energy or take the chance to do that, then he is fundamentally missing something that we need, no matter how many other great characteristics he has.
If it helps, I have found that waiting for 5-7 dates to sleep with a guy is a great way to weed out the ones who will just not call, versus the ones who are actually into you for you (as opposed to for the lay). We don't need to use sex to nab guys- it's much better used as a reward for those that stick around. ;)