To Feel OR Not To Feel

I miss writing, I mean really writing. It seems that all I've done lately is participate in Memes from other blogs (which I enjoy) and I haven't posted much from the heart. Did this stem from realizing how public my blog is? That not only my mother reads what I write here, but also my coworkers? Is that reason enough to mask what I'm feeling and hide my true thoughts? I honestly don't know...

I'd love to post something deep and agonizing here. To bleed it out like I can with my paper journal, letting everything flow directly from my heart to the paper in dark obsidian ink. I just can't. I sit here and stare at the blank "New Post" window, willing myself to be vulnerable. Begging the Universe for something thought provoking and terrifying that I can spill forth for the world to be astounded by; but I feel nothing. The feelings in my chest are as numb as the cool black keys that click with every stroke of my fingers. There is nothing.

Recently, I started taking St. Johns Wart, an herbal anti-depressant that you can buy over the counter nearly anywhere these days. Having many of the same mood-elevating benefits as prescription anti-depressants, it has far fewer side effects than most of the chemical remedies we too often give out in our culture. This small herbal capsule once daily is a test for me, as I've never seriously considered doing anything about the lows I often feel due to genetics and other influencing factors I've recognized since my years in high school.

I love feelings, and I love to feel them as strongly as possible. When I feel sad, I want to dive into the despair and wallow in it, feeling every heartbreak and as much ache as humanly possible. On the other end of it, if I'm happy I love to engulf myself in the joy and ride the high as far as I can. I just like to feel things, to taste every different emotion on my tongue, and to really live.

So for me to knowingly put something in my body that levels out those highs and lows, goes against everything I've been telling myself for years. I have been able to tell how it affects me, and I feel... Numb.

Numb is at once both saddening and relieving. To feel numb is to stop experiencing the wide spectrum of emotions and energies the world throws at you, and to stop learning from them. However, it is occasionally a very nice reprieve from the overload emotion can cause.

The way I see it, I'm due for a little numbness.

I have always been a person who is pushed towards love. Chasing it, aching for it, and waiting for it to happen. Taking a break from the overwhelming emotions I've experienced this year is allowing me to step out of this race for love, and to just enjoy being with myself, and making decisions for myself, and not because of how I feel a relationship may or may not turn out. It's strangely liberating to feel so free, without the constant manipulation my affection can be.

This is not the time for foolish dreaming, it is the time for taking control of my life with logic, and not emotion. It's time for my heart to take a rest and stop dictating towards my mind. That same mind which can now take the lead and make something happen using cool intellect instead of the usual fire that burns too hot to let anything else through...