Maybe We Aint Meant for This Love

Here we stand, somewhere in between this moment and the end

Will we bend? Or will we open up and take this whole thing in?

Everybody else is smiling

Man, their smiles don't fade

And you don't even wonder why

You just don't think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on and we can't stay here

Well maybe we've just had enough

Maybe we ain't meant for this love

You and me tried everything

But still that mockingbird wont sing

Man this life seems hard enough

Maybe we ain't meant for this love

Take my hand, and I will lead you through the broken promise land

Yes I can, oh yes I can, I can be there when you need it

I give it all til you can't feel it anymore

I don't wanna love you now if you'll just leave someday

I don't wanna turn around if you'll just walk away

[Chorus Repeat X2]

-Mockingbird by Rob Thomas-

I don't know why I haven't blogged about this song until now, but here I am, finally writing with it repeating in my ear.

A lot of you here in bloggy land have witnessed me writing about the relationship troubles I've had, and the back-and-forth my heart has had to endure over the last year and a half. Granted, my first blog was written in February, so you didn't see all of it, but you did see the most brutal part of it; that which has been the last 6 months. I'm going to be the first one to admit, a lot of it was my own damn fault. However, it takes two to tango (as the old saying goes) and I was really put through the ringer on a lot of stuff that wasn't fully on me.

I've always been a person who moves forward with life, and if I set my mind to getting over someone, I usually can, and there have been times I've really needed to. So what is it about this year that seems to have stopped me in my tracks? It seems like both times I tried to move forward when I knew full-well that I should, I fell flat on my face. Like quicksand, the harder I tried to pull out of it, the faster I was sucked back in.

I've made my peace with the one experience, and accepted what we actually are now. Great-moving on-we're not talking about him. However, the experiences were so intertwined with each other, that I can't help but mention him in the same post. It's inevitable, but it's also not the point, so we'll move on. We're talking about E, and the fact that he the memory still pops up and haunts me now and again.

Are you wondering how this song relates? Well, I think I connected with this song because the lyrics (and I am SUCH a lyric person) woke me up a little bit. I was in the driving with my iPod on shuffle, and it came on for the first time and stopped my thought process dead in it's tracks while the song registered.

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on and we can't stay here

Isn't that the truth? Somewhere in the shuffle, and the back and forth of the relationship, we lost ourselves. Maybe I shouldn't speak for him, but at least I know for me. I lost the strong, logical person that is me, and turned into this emotional doormat who hung on to what wasn't there. Oh, how I wanted it to be there, and I think I hung on to the "idea" and not reality. Reality was, if he'd wanted to be with me he would have made time. He was too busy and I couldn't take being stood-up and canceled on all the time.

Again, I'm not passing the blame here... I did my fair share of being uncertain at a time when he was, and he wanted something real. However, after working through most of those issues, and me being ready to step-up and have a real relationship, he wasn't anymore. Our timing just never matched up, no matter how hard I tried. It was a year and a half of trying, and failing every time. You can only fail so much, before you just have to give up and move on.

Well maybe we've just had enough

Maybe we ain't meant for this love

I wrote a blog on Myspace the other day, that I didn't post here because it was so angry. Truthfully, it was all of the things I had wanted to say to him, all of the truth that I had kept locked up inside of me, and it had to be let out. Since I wrote that blog, I've felt much more free and able to move on and let go. I think I just had to stop bottling up the emotions and vent them out before I could move on and continue with my life and other options.

I've always been a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to be will be. So maybe we weren't meant for that love. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

So this is good. This is me letting go and moving on to bigger and better things, and planning on being happy. :)