I Ache To Remember... (Nostalgia)

Last night my big plan was to go home, nap on the couch and then crawl into bed and catch up on missed sleep since I've been feeling drowsy in class all week.  However that plan was quickly thwarted when my phone rang, and on the other end was a tiny little voice saying "Angie!  I wan you to go bowing wiff me!  I wan to go bowing wight now!"  Then the phone was quickly passed and another tiny little voice said "Angie are you going to go bowing wiff us?"  How could I say no?  I told them to tell their dad to come pick me up, and received "Ok, I luff you bye!" in return.  Too cute for words.

We didn't end up going bowling because the place was packed, but we got Iceberg and went to the park to eat and watch the kids play.  It was rainy and too cold, so we didn't stay long and ended up watching The Princess and the Frog at my house.  While there, we ended up looking through old pictures of the kids on my computer... I mean just look above, Hailee is getting HUGE.   They both are, but Devin (the ever-moody Pisces) wouldn't let me take his picture.

Oh the nostalgia... Isn't it funny how you can watch old home movies and look at old pictures and still ache for all those things you once wanted?

Two years ago, I would have told you this was going to be my family.  

I loved him and I loved those kids like they were my own; truth is, I still do.   I couldn't believe that looking through those old photos and watching those old home movies I took of the kids would make me ache again.  I guess it's hard to remember a time when you thought you would be with this person forever, and that you would make a family out of his family.  

I really thought I could convince myself that I was poly-amorous and handle the open relationship in order to be a part of that family.  Matt and I were just so perfect.  We worked so well together, and I could certainly excuse away his fear of commitment due to the massive divorce he was going through.  I would have sacrificed anything to hang on to that feeling of home and family I found when it was the four of us.

Not forgetting, I wanted to be a mother to those two beautiful children so bad. (Stepmother, anyway.)

However the time came when I finally had to stop pretending, and after a year of being with this man and his children I sat him down on our bed (we were living together at the time) and explained where I was coming from.  I told him that I loved him very much, but that someday I would want to get married and have a child of my own.  He never wanted that again. We parted amicably (even lived together still for another 8 months-AWKWARD-but a story for another time) and are still great friends.

This is good because it means that I get to keep this friend that I so bonded with, and I get to see these two little children who have my heart forever.

However, if I told you trying again didn't cross my mind every time I hang out with them, I'd be a dirty-rotten-liar. 

I think about it when he makes me laugh, and I remember the same sweet and funny guy I'd fallen in love with. 

I think about it when his son runs up to me and tells me he missed me, and when I pull his tiny little girl up to me and kiss her sweet little face.  When they're their cuddled up next to me watching a movie; I'm thinking about it.  I miss having them as my little family.

I ache for it; but then I remember that everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason it's not meant to be.

I think it's time I started steering my life in the direction that will eventually bring me to a family of my own.  Thankfully, no matter who I'm with or whether or not I have my own children I'll always get to have these beautiful people in my life.  They mean the world to me.

I'm ready Universe, send it my way, ok?