"I will always love the false image I had of you"
My dreams have been wreaking havoc on my psyche the last few weeks. I'm not sure if it's the change in the air that comes with Fall weather and carries an element of nostalgia with it that is causing them, or something else, but I do know that they've left me unsettled nearly every morning for the last little while.
Most night I'm having vivid dreams about people from my past. They're not memories. They're not even set in the past, they're set in the future-and they're not even necessarily that person as I remember them or as they were. It's almost as if it's bringing up old fantasies of these people-as if they are what would have been had I been with that person still, and had they been what I'd hoped that person would be-had they lived up to the false illusions I had of them before it ended and reality was fully presented.
As with all things that start making their appearances and toying with your mental state, I feel this is something I need to address-to either speak aloud or write it out in order to process why my subconscious is bringing them to my attention, and why that attention is causing my chest to feel burdened the entire day after. I guess it's somewhat of a byproduct of vivid dreams and one should expect to feel affected by it when the illusion felt so real... Almost as if it were textured and you could feel, taste, touch, and smell the surroundings of the dream; in those few moments after you awake it's hard to tell which is real-what you were just feeling or the darkness of your bedroom that now surrounds you.
That being said... What the hell? I honestly have no idea why these things are popping up at this point in my life, or what I'm supposed to do to address it. They carry that same nostalgia the wind does, leaving me missing something I shouldn't be missing. Something I wasn't missing or necessarily thinking about prior to these restless nights with their taunting dreams.
In speculation, maybe it's time to look for something new elsewhere and stop making excuses? I haven't been one to cling to the past (not for a very long time) but I have been one to make excuses as to why I shouldn't move forward with anything romantic in the future. It's just easier to be here in the present-a present that doesn't include dating or giving my heart to anyone. What if I don't want to?
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