It's 11:52pm MST, and I need to post something today.
It'll just have to be another post filled with random lines.
Not everything has to add up.
Right?
It seems like nothing is adding up in my brain lately anyway.
Besides... It could be a little phase, these random lines.
All adding up to a bigger picture.
I'm leaving them all unedited too.
Kind of raw.
Each thought goes straight through my fingers and onto the blog.
No filter, no fluff, no making the words prettier.
What do you think?
Work is currently frustrating.
Other than a few of my coworkers, I love them.
I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for this other job.
Shhhhhhhhhh....
I'm as good as hired someone there said.
He also said I have his word on it.
AND he can't wait to work with me.
I.
Am.
So.
Excited.
Hopeful too.
I really hope it all works out.
How can people hurt little children?
Especially their own child?
That four year old that was missing was murdered by his stepdad.
While his own mother watched and did nothing.
I can't even fathom it.
The world is a horribly messed up place.
It makes my heart hurt.
I used to think myself incapable of hate.
Tom told me that meant I was also incapable of really loving.
I have to give him this... It makes sense now.
I let myself hate him.
Hating him opened me up to hating more people
I hate Tom.
I hate Amber.
I hate [womanizer]. (More though, I feel very sorry for him)
I hate this girl in my class who can't keep her mouth shut.
But Tom was right about one thing.
Allowing myself to feel an emotion as strong as hate helps the love.
The people I love, I love much more fiercely now.
I love them so much in fact, it makes my heart hurt.
It feels like it'll burst.
A million tiny pieces flying everywhere.
Drenched with the love I feel for my friends and family.
And all of you.
Talked to my roommate about relationships.
They're so messy.
I'm such a cynic when it comes to love lately.
Kristina is proud that I'm a love pessimist.
She said "Optimist Angie got her heart broken a lot."
I said "But Optimist Angie got laid too."
We both laughed.
Truth is, I have chosen to be celibate.
Going on 6 months now, with no sex and no dating.
I think I'm ready to start dating again.
But not sex.
How weird is that coming from me?
I think I'm afraid of sex.
I think I still feel a little broken.
I feel so fragile.
Like a vase held together with Scotch tape.
Having sex might just shatter me.
The Pothead and [womanizer] broke me.
Correction: I let them break me.
I am piecing myself back together now.
Stronger than ever.
But it takes time.
Besides, I want to be loved for me.
If the guy is right, he'll wait for sex to be right,
Right?
I figure it'll feel right again when it actually is right.
It'll all start falling into place when I meet the right person.
Someone who doesn't want to take a hammer to this vase.
Someone who will cherish it.
And maybe put flowers in it.
Flowers never hurt...
(Pic from Photobucket)
Wow, Angie, what a great post! You expressed so much so honestly. It was very refreshing to read it. I must say that you sound like a female version of me here. Your feelings and views ring so true.
ReplyDeleteAbout love and hate and not being able to truly love if you don't also understand how to hate. It's always been there; quite basic, really. With out evil, no good; without hate, no love; without poor, no rich; without sadness, no joy. Well, you obviously get the picture.
And you're very right about the screwed up world we are living in. When I was a kid I used to be scared by monster movies: Frankenstein, Werewolf, Dracula ... stuff like that. As I got older, I realized that "normal" people scare the hell out of me so much more than monsters. Monsters are fiction, people are real. And they are a lot more frightening. Hence, my interest in writing crime fiction. I don't like the who-dunnit of the mystery genre per se, but prefer the WHY-dunnit. Why is much more interesting ... and it deals with that fear I mentioned.
Anyway ...
I also agree with your current feelings on love. The right guy will wait. And, yes, he should love you for you. That's what it's supposed to be about, right? I've always believed that. Of course, I too have been broken and battered and find myself avoiding putting myself out there. I'm sure the right woman will catch my attention and sweep me off my feet.
At least the hopeless romantic in me believes that will be the case.
Well, you pretty much summed up love didn't you? And very well, I might add. You can't know love till you open up and opening up is fraught with pain... still keeping yourself from feeling it is just as bad.
ReplyDeleteThough I will say the person who said "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" needs to be taken out and smacked about a bit. I'm told that feeling fades after a while. I'm hoping it does.
I'm willing to bet your piecing together, your scotch tape will get stronger everyday. Anyone who can so clearly, even while in pain, say what you have said will come out stronger than you went in. Just hold on, you'll be back and in better form too.
M
I absolutely LOVED this. So real. I can't fathom how anyone could ever be cruel to a child.
ReplyDeleteThe entire section about hate really resonated with me. I was always taught that you can dislike someone, but you can never hate them. Why not? There are people I hate. With passion. But there are people I love with even more passion. I think you're right. You should know how to feel both.
I admire you for your celibacy choice. Not a lot of people could do that (I know I could not have done it!) You're right...if they love you for you, they won't mind the wait!
Again....loved this post.
Beautiful ramblings from a beautiful girl.
ReplyDeleteDon't let the hate consume you. Feel it, learn from it, and move on. You will live and love better for it.
((((hugs))))
[:
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing all of this. glad that the job situation sounds hopeful (if not certain!) that's awesome!
ReplyDeletei'm sorry that guys have broken you down and left you feeling incomplete. i know you'll be back to youself in no time :)
Good luck with the other job. I hope you get it!
ReplyDelete