Was I giving up on myself entirely by deleting it? Was I conceding to a life of cats and celibacy if I clicked the little delete button in the settings? It's almost painful to think about when you're someone who is very into sex and relationships in dating. In today's society, a society centered around the web, what other ways are there to find and meet new people to date? All I do is work and go to school, and work is definitely out for dating (had that backfire more than once) and none of my classes are particularly social-except French, which is all girls and one guy-who likes guys also.
However, when it came down to it I hit that delete button with only a cringe as a side affect. Removing eight years of dating history from the web. Removing any online dating possibilities. Why? Because I couldn't do it anymore.
Logging in and checking emails had become something I procrastinated so long, that while I received quite a few emails, they'd all but given up on me by the time I forced myself to respond. The idea of going out on a first date from the internet had become physically painful, and I found myself filled with anxiety over each one until I was actually on the dates, which I was ready to bail on about half way through. My heart wasn't in it. It had become something I forced myself to do in order to not be alone anymore-and it wasn't something I actually had any desire to do. So why was I doing it?
Fear. Fear of being alone forever. Fear of never meeting the right person. Fear of having to actually be social in real life and find new ways of meeting people. Fear of change, since I'd been doing it for so many years... Friends, fear is no reason to force yourself to do things you don't want to-that's not a healthy way to live. Remember my 2014 word of the year? Yeah, it was fearless. I realized that by forcing myself to do online dating because I was afraid of ending up alone, I was just feeding the fear monster inside of me. I was letting it win, and all I got in return was more fear. So I deleted it.
Can I honestly say it was the right decision? For now it is. Will I ever go back? Maybe. I've told myself I'm going to give myself some time without it for now. The goal is a year, but I'm not setting an exact amount of time because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, let alone in a year. I'm just giving myself some time to focus on me and my weight loss journey, to try and be social and go out and meet people in real life, and to just breathe without those profiles looming over me for a while. If at some point I feel like I can try online dating for the right reasons, none of which being fear, then I will. We'll see what happens. I've already had a few twinges of lonely-induced-wanting to go back, but I wont let that be my reason. So maybe I'll try it again in just a few months, or maybe I won't ever go back... We'll see.
So that brings us to my Musical Mondays choice this week. I got this song when it was an iTunes free single of the week, and I was glad I did. It's one of those songs I just needed to hear, because this is where I am right now. I'm done looking. It'll happen if and when it happens.
However, when it came down to it I hit that delete button with only a cringe as a side affect. Removing eight years of dating history from the web. Removing any online dating possibilities. Why? Because I couldn't do it anymore.
Logging in and checking emails had become something I procrastinated so long, that while I received quite a few emails, they'd all but given up on me by the time I forced myself to respond. The idea of going out on a first date from the internet had become physically painful, and I found myself filled with anxiety over each one until I was actually on the dates, which I was ready to bail on about half way through. My heart wasn't in it. It had become something I forced myself to do in order to not be alone anymore-and it wasn't something I actually had any desire to do. So why was I doing it?
Fear. Fear of being alone forever. Fear of never meeting the right person. Fear of having to actually be social in real life and find new ways of meeting people. Fear of change, since I'd been doing it for so many years... Friends, fear is no reason to force yourself to do things you don't want to-that's not a healthy way to live. Remember my 2014 word of the year? Yeah, it was fearless. I realized that by forcing myself to do online dating because I was afraid of ending up alone, I was just feeding the fear monster inside of me. I was letting it win, and all I got in return was more fear. So I deleted it.
Can I honestly say it was the right decision? For now it is. Will I ever go back? Maybe. I've told myself I'm going to give myself some time without it for now. The goal is a year, but I'm not setting an exact amount of time because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, let alone in a year. I'm just giving myself some time to focus on me and my weight loss journey, to try and be social and go out and meet people in real life, and to just breathe without those profiles looming over me for a while. If at some point I feel like I can try online dating for the right reasons, none of which being fear, then I will. We'll see what happens. I've already had a few twinges of lonely-induced-wanting to go back, but I wont let that be my reason. So maybe I'll try it again in just a few months, or maybe I won't ever go back... We'll see.
So that brings us to my Musical Mondays choice this week. I got this song when it was an iTunes free single of the week, and I was glad I did. It's one of those songs I just needed to hear, because this is where I am right now. I'm done looking. It'll happen if and when it happens.
This week's song:
Dear No One
by Tori Kelly
I like being independent, not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself, don't gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to
But sometimes I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you til the end
So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I"m done looking for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right you'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
I don't really like big crowds, I tend to shut people out
I like my space
But I'd love to have a soul mate, and god'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait
So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I"m done looking for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right you'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
But sometimes I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you til the end
So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I"m done looking for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right you'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
(Dear No one)
No need to be searching
(Dear No one)
Dear no one, this is your love song
What is Musical Mondays?
Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where we share a song we're into for the week, and talk about why we like it-or why it effects us. Along with talking about music, I host a month-long music related giveaway.
What are you listening to this week?
Please grab the button and link up your Musical Mondays post in the linky!
November's Musical Monday's Giveaway
This month's giveaway is for an MP3 copy of the album Heart on My Sleeve by Mary Lambert.
If you already have this album, or are international, you will receive a $10 Amazon Gift card instead.
Giveaway is open worldwide from 12AM November 3rd 2014 to 12AM December 1st 2014.
Entering below agrees to all the Terms and Conditions within the Rafflecopter.
Wow - this is so brave of you! I know that was terrifying, but I'm positive you won't concede to a life of cats and celibacy. Maybe this fearless act will bring you to live more freely and meet someone in a new and exciting way! Also, I'm totally in love with Mary Lambert. Her words are so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLove this post! You are very strong-willed, and I know you'll find the right person when the timing is right. Not everything in life should be dictated by the internet - sometimes it's just easier to let the chips fall when they should and not force them. Ironically, my husband and I were matched on eHarmony before we met on Myspace, but he didn't want to pay for the profile. I don't know whether we would have worked out if we had gone through EH, but I am happy that my chips fell the way they did in the long run.
ReplyDeletePower to the fearless!
I cuddle with my cats or go for a long walk!
ReplyDeleteThat's wonderful! It's so good you were able to meet, through either means, and that it worked out so well! :) Thanks for the encouragement, I agree-we spend so much of our lives on the internet that it's nice to move something offline for once.
ReplyDeleteThank you love! I sure hope I don't end up with cats and celibacy! haha! I hope you're right-I need to be more fearless and actually get out there! :) Good luck on the giveaway!
ReplyDeleteI sure hope so, I've been failing so hard at my health and I'm feeling it badly! And thank you! :D
ReplyDeleteYeah I should... Shawn and I used to go for walks together during breaks, but then school messed up our schedules and it was crazy hot, and then crazy cold for winter lol. Something!
ReplyDeleteThat's a great debt, I need to add a little of that too.
ReplyDeleteUgh, same here! We're in the same boat!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure whether to say, "congratulations"" or "good luck!" Maybe both. In years past, I had considered joining an online dating site, as all the dates I'd met through real-life situations turned out horribly and were short-lived. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about it anymore as I met my fiance earlier this year. I hope your break from online dating works out for you and I look forward to reading all the fun posts you'll have about meeting people in real life.
ReplyDeleteI listen to music or take funny pictures with my daughter.
ReplyDeleteI relate to this deleting your dating sites on so many levels. SO MANY. Fill free to email me if you need a hearty vent session. We can swap stories of dating horrors. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel very proud of you... because I get it. I too have no idea how to meet anyone outside of online dating. Everyone I know either met in college, at a bar or somewhere similar, or online. Well I'm not in college, I don't frequent bars or clubs (wouldn't want to meet someone in either locale anyways) and I couldn't figure out how to meet others either.
ReplyDeleteI met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish 6 months ago. I've had good luck with that site in terms of long-term relationships. OKCupid has provided me a lot of dates, a few friends, and some crazy stories. :D I still have both although my profiles say I am in a relationship. I'v never deleted them before - not because I feel like I need them, but mostly due to the nostalgia behind them. And if I'm being really honest, it's nice to get an email every now and then from OKC telling me someone likes me. That's probably pathetic... lol
I gave up for a while. I realized I was pushing it. I was ready for a new relationship and felt like I needed to put myself out there and be active on those websites. I needed to be looking at profiles, going on dates, chatting up men. And so I stopped. I wanted someone to pursue me for a change... and that's exactly what happened.
What got me by was focusing on myself. The right guy would come along eventually and I wanted to enjoy everything about ME without someone and have myself together so I could be even more awesome with someone else.
Wow, that blog post hit close to home. I am on a few dating sites now. Now I don't mind emailing back & forth, but when they say, wanna hang out sometime?, I freeze & go into panic mode & sorta shut down. I have been divorced for almost 4 years & have only been on 3 total dates since & haven't even been on a date in 2 years! I know it's fear of being hurt again, but I just don't know how to bring myself to get over it. Thanks for posting about this topic.
ReplyDeleteSeriously! Dating is so rough! lol
ReplyDeleteThat's so great to hear, and I can totally relate. I feel like I'll probably try the sites out again when life calms down a bit (after the holidays sometime) but for now I just don't have the energy to put into it. I also sometimes think I need a therapist lol.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm sorry to hear that but I can totally understand! It's like all of these walls are made up of anxiety and they go higher when the possibility that the things that caused the walls might come back around again. I have seriously contemplated seeing a therapist about this-because I'm tired of my anxiety getting the better of me. I think time is important. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm feeling blue I lay in the bathtub and cry. Those are the really bad days. I don't even turn on the water. But on the the not so really bad days play a games with my girls and try to focus on their laughter.
ReplyDeleteMy mom told me this for years and I didn't believe her (and didn't know how to make it happen), but it's true: the best way to meet people (friends and lovers) is through the activities you enjoy doing. Step outside your group of friends and join a club or group, or volunteer at an event, and meet people. It's risky and scary, but you find like-minded people, and they have friends, and friends of friends, etc. I know so many couples who met through a mutual friend just doing what they enjoy doing. And even if you don't meet a lover, you're still having fun because you're doing something you like.
ReplyDeleteI think we all could use a bit of therapy! ha But seriously, focus on you. I know people say that all the freaking time, but much to my surprise, it worked. I feel like I am in a much better position for being in a committed relationship than I would have been if I kept pushing for one.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I wanted to push myself to do! I haven't yet, seeing as I have no time for anything... But I don't exactly have time for dating either lol so it measures out.
ReplyDelete