Musical Mondays: I Wanna Get Better

When it comes to making changes, sometimes, you can really only make lasting ones if you actually want it.  I mean really want it.  You have to want it with every fiber of your being-and that want has to drive you.  That want has to push you harder than you've ever allowed yourself to be pushed, and it has to keep pushing you even when you get discouraged or start to lose faith.

Sometimes it's hard though.  What you want can seriously clash with what you're willing to do, and you really have to evaluate and weigh out whether you're willing to do the things you don't want to in order to get the things you want most.  That's hard.  Sometimes, it's even harder when you're battling inner demons... The voices in your head.  Those things hold you back and sometimes convince you that what you want isn't worth it.

There are things I think I want more than anything.  Things like a relationship with a nice guy or to finally lose all this weight and get healthy.  I know what I have to do for both, but year in and year out I somehow find myself in the same place battling those same demons.  Have I lost the weight?  No.  Have I found a lasting relationship?  No.  Have I put in the work?  For a little while, then I get discouraged and lose the battle.  So, no.  

Let's break it down, shall we?  If I want a relationship I have to put myself out there. I have to actively date, meet new people, and give them a chance further than the first date before giving up on them or on myself.  I can't hide from it.  I can't chicken out.  I just need to bury the fear that I'm not good enough, or my fear of losing my independence, or my fear of getting my heart broken and TRY.

If I want to lose the weight I need to eat right and work out.  I need to continue to do this even when I get discouraged because I've gained or not lost as much as I wanted, and I need to continue to do it even after I'm feeling better and have lost the first 20lbs.  For some reason I always give up at that point-I'm feeling great, it's working, and then poof-I quit.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it's the unknown... Having self-identified as the funny fat girl my entire life, I'm not sure of who I'll be when I'm no longer what I identify as, and that is scary as hell.  It's a stupid fear, but there none-the-less.

I want to get better.  I want to be better.  I want to stop getting discouraged and push myself in spite of the fear and the doubt.  This year everything changes.  No more giving up on myself.  So this is me-"standing on the overpass screaming at myself hey-I WANNA GET BETTER!"

This week's song:

I Wanna Get Better

by Bleachers

Hey I hear the voice of the preacher from the back room

Calling my name and I follow just to find you

I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather

And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause I've frozen time between hearses and caskets

Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

I wanna get better

Well my friends we're getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines

Always losing my mind because the love the love the love 

That I gave, wasted on a nice face

In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet 

Counting seconds through the night and got carried away

So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars

Hey, I wanna get better!

[Chorus]

I didn't know I was lonely'til I saw your face

I wanna get better, better, better, better-I wanna get better

I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change

I wanna get better, better, better, better-I wanna get better

I go to my room and there's girls on the ceiling

Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling

Of an 18 year old who didn't know what loss was and now I'm a stranger

And I miss the days of a life still permanent

Mourn the years before I got carried away

So now I'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself 

Hey, I wanna get better!

[Chorus]

Woke up this morning early before my family

From this dream where she was trying to show me

How a life can move from the darkness

She said to get better

So I put a bullet where I should have put a helmet

And I crashed my car 'cause I wanna get carried away

That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself

Hey, I wanna get better!

[Chorus]

What is Musical Mondays?

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where you can share songs or other music-related posts each Monday and link up with the linky.  Then you can enter the monthly giveaway and visit the other music posts linked up.

How to Play Along:

1. Write a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
2. Include the Musical Mondays button (code below) and/or a link back.
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