A Better Friend

I haven't been this low since high school, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I've known I'm chemically depressed, but always refused to be put on medication for it. I usually revert to the mind-over-matter theory. Just after high school I made a conscious decision to bury the depression as deep as I possibly could so that I could continue with life and not feel so terrible all the time. It's worked fairly well (on and off, of course) until now, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

Even when I'm out with my friends, it's a very rare moment when I forget the ache inside and am able to just be. It's like being miserable all the time, and just pretending it isn't right there under the surface waiting to bubble up and destroy me. I try so hard to put on a good face, to smile and pretend, but I just cant anymore... Where did my act go? Why can't I pull myself up from this? I'm scared. So very scared. It used to be that even when the rest of the world was tumbling down I could be with my friends and feel sanity. What happens if I lose that?

When I was driving home today, a thought occurred to me, and I started bawling. Is this how you feel all the time? How could I have overlooked it? I've felt the depression before, but it's been so long since I've been at these depths that it's almost as if I had forgotten how bad it can be, and then I overlooked it in you... How could I have done that? How could I look at you and mentally log how you felt, but not realize the magnitude of it, even though I had been there before? I have kept thinking "If only you could pull yourself out. If only you could hear everything we're telling you, and how much we love you. If only you could accept that and pick yourself up." Oh my god, I feel so terrible. I had forgotten how it feels, and now I'm reminded and I hurt for you much stronger than the hurt inside of me is.

How could I have been such a bad friend and not recognized the level of hurt here? I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I hope you know I love you, and I wont try to fix you anymore. I'm just here, as your friend, someone you can rely on and talk to. Maybe now, I'm finally in the right mind set. Perhaps I had to feel this way to understand, and to be the friend that you deserve.

I love you my friend, and I really hope it gets better for you. I hope it gets better for us all some time soon...