My So-Called Chaos: Love & Fear

Dear Blog (and Readers),

It's been a while! I used to write here every day at work, when the days would drag and I needed something to entertain myself. Now, I find myself sitting at home, unemployed and trying to find inexpensive things to fill my day with. That's what you get when tax season ends and they have to lay a whole bunch of people off. So I filed for unemployment, and there's a large chance that they'll call me back when their fiscal year ends. That would be nice.

Life has been a bit muddled and crazy as of late, especially when it comes to emotions and such. Monday and Tuesday I escaped to my mothers house (see last post) to try and sort some stuff out. Yes, I did get it sorted, which is good. Bon!

First off, I've been in this limbo when it comes to E. You see, I care about him a great deal, but he's never there. It's been nearly 3 weeks since I've seen him, I rarely hear from him, and the boy didn't even make an effort to be at my party. What's worse, he didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday. To say the least, I felt a little hurt that there was no effort made. So, in my moment of clarity I decided I need to tell him we're taking a large step back. For now, I just want to be friends. I don't pretend to know what the future holds, so if we end up there somewhere down the line great, if not then at least I have a friend of it.

Next, as a lot of my good friends know, I am falling for one of my best friends. Wait, that's a lie, I have already fallen for my him. It's not my fault, I couldn't help it, he is just that awesome. The main problem being, he is the only one who can't see how truly amazing he is.

You know what though? It's okay. I learned a long time ago to not be afraid to let myself fall. I don't need someone there to catch me, I can catch myself. Also, I am not one of those girls who needs to be in a relationship to feel whole, I do perfectly well on my own, and can be happy single. Life will continue perfectly well any way it turns out, and I will be happy with any outcome. My heart is open, and I let people in and I love with every fiber of my being. This is not a flaw, but a gift. Everything is a gift.

Loving someone, even if it is unrequited, can be a wonderful thing to experience. Feeling the ache and the longing can be beautiful emotions to live through. I love to thrust myself into the emotions I feel, whether they be "good" or "bad" (as considered by most) they are still something I want to feel in full! Though, I do not deem them "good" or "bad," they simply are, and I love the experience. Not to forget the writing I am able to do when I am yearning! It's such a wonderful muse for me!

Wait just a minute, does this mean I'm an adult now? Looking over what I've written, it all seems so very adult of me to say. Maybe it's not that it's grown up, just that I feel enlightened when it comes to matters of the heart. Sure, I have my weak moments. There are some moments when that old fear creeps back up on me and I think that maybe I'll never find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, or that it will never work the way I eventually want it to. Other moments, it's more specific, like sitting at home missing him like crazy and wishing he were there. Let's not forget when I'm face to face with him, watching his lips as he talks and wishing (oh how I strongly I can wish) that he would just kiss me...

But I digress! If I start talking about kissing, I'll get distracted, and this blog is already too long!

The point I was trying to get to, is that even though I have those moments of weakness, fear and self-doubt; Overall, I am still above it all. In the back of my mind, there is always this amazing understanding, and this strong knowledge that I am going to be okay no matter what happens to me. It's a beautiful thing, this sense of surety, I just wish I could show more people how to feel it. Then, I would also feel accomplished in life.

So to all of you, dear friends of mine, I hope you chase after what makes you happy! Don't be afraid to let yourself experience things, and to let yourself fall in love at every available opportunity, even if it seems hopeless. Most of all, don't let fear hold you back from anything! The only thing in life you should regret, is not doing something because you were afraid of the risk! Rejection is temporary, so push away that fear in order to prevent the "what-ifs" later down the line. Try anything at least once, and live and love to the fullest!