Coming Clean

This morning was blissfully easy-going, as I was able to spend the morning with one of my best friends for breakfast and chatting. Once again, I am reminded of what is most important here, and that is my friendship with someone that I hope is in my life to stay. I am also reminded that no matter what happens, there will always be that friendship, and for that I am extremely happy. There is no doubt in my mind that we will always be close, and I have full faith that nothing will harm that. It is an amazing thing, and I am so grateful!

At this point in my life, I am remarkably secret-free, and I think I like it. It's a place that feels like I'm on level footing with all of the important people in my life, and it feels good to be fully honest and not feel like I'm bottling anything up or keeping anything from them. I've always been a person who talks things out before they get out of hand, but I have never been so fully honest about what I'm feeling about people until now. It's incredibly freeing.

This all started with me finally confessing my full feelings for this friend of mine that I started falling for, and just seemed to spiral onward. On the one hand, I feel a little guilt for laying all of my feelings on him like that, but on the other hand... It was only fair for him to know where I honestly stood, and that I will be perfectly fine no matter where he stands. If I'm to expect people to open up and be honest with me, then I must take strides to put myself out there as well.

It doesn't end there, I finally had my talk with E. That was possibly one of the hardest phone calls of my life, and I cried for a very long time, both during and after. It started out as an argument, both of us trying to plead our case for why we felt the way we did, and then transitioned into something different. It quickly became a conversation about previous expectations, honest feelings, and where we wanted to go from there. It's not really taking a step back, more like just clarifying where we are and saying we have no expectations. There's a possibility we'll have another go at it down the road, and in that case I will have built a valid friendship first; if not, then at least I have gained a friend. It feels very good to finally be open with each other, no more dancing around it or invalid fantasies.

I've never been so open in my life, and part of me thinks I should be afraid of it, but I'm not. I feel surprisingly "zen" about it all, very "whatever will be will be." You know what? I think I'll stay open, and wear my heart on my sleeve for a while; let's see where this road takes me.

So where does that leave me in general? I've come completely clean with the people in my life, taken a step back, and am just experiencing great friendship. I am so glad to have them all in my life, anyway they may be.

I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new, and that is ultimately good for the artist. - Billy Joel

Where will I go from here?

I have no clue. What I do know, is that I'm going to relax and enjoy the ride. If you want something, you go after it. I've done that, I've put myself out there on all accounts, and now I'll just see where I naturally end up. Life is about the journey, not the destination.

It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters, in the end. - Ursula K Lee Guin