Waiting For the Hint of a Spark...

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

by Death Cab for Cutie

***

I hadn't heard this song in years, but it came on the radio today and sent a wave of nostalgia washing over me. 

When I was first introduced to this song I was 20 or 21 and in the midst of figuring out who I was.  I was living in an apartment up by Weber State and trying to figure out the whole dating and sex thing since I was still only a few months to a year out of my first heartbreak.  

At the time, I'd begun seeing an older guy.  I was 20 and he was 40 (yeah, my parents didn't like it-but I was testing the waters of this world for myself.) He was a very good looking older guy, dark black hair, chiseled jaw, muscles and he smelled like Aqua di Gio.  It was a slightly Dominant/submissive relationship-him being older and pretty much in charge, and me being young and naive and trying my hand at a different kind of relationship than I'd ever been exposed to.  He was so much older, wiser, and more experienced and I was completely enthralled with him.

He was the CEO of some company that dealt with computers, and he used to work from this little coffee shop up the street from my apartment.  I still remember how I'd pretty myself up and go in for a cup of coffee just to feel the thrill of seeing him sitting in the corner working away.  We'd lock eyes, he'd wink at me, and I'd feel that flutter.  Twenty minutes later he'd be knocking on my door and I'd be caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and that musky scent I grew to love.

He introduced me to the song above, and we lay there and spoke of our hopes and dreams, of wanting kids and a love that lasts forever.  Always with a bit of hope in our hearts, even though somewhere deep down neither of us expected it to ever go much further than where we were currently.  Suffice it to say, whatever it was we were experiencing only lasted about 3 months.  Soon I found myself unable to continue in something I knew wasn't going anywhere, unable to continue down a path that would inevitably end in heartache, and I ended it with him.

Even though it's been 4 or 5 years, sometimes I still think about him when I walk into a coffee shop or catch of whiff of that cologne.  It's an involuntary reaction, but it leads to some kind of sweet nostalgia that I don't mind thinking of once in a while.  I hope wherever he is out there, that he has found happiness and the love this song implicates that he so dearly treasured the thought of.

Do you have a song that takes you back?

Tell me your story! Write about it and link up! :)

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Confessing, Hooping, & Dating

I Confess...
I have been slacking so much on my eating healthy goals and my exercise.  I don't know where I lost the motivation, but it better be coming back on now.

I Confess...
I had this weird moment where I looked in the mirror last night and thought "I look so lovely and natural."  I don't feel that way often, but my makeup had worn off, my hair was soft and curly, and I was digging it.

I Confess...
But then I looked at my body and felt mortified.  I promptly ran in the living room and hula hooped for 20 minutes.  I'm instituting mandatory hula hooping every day again-I need it!

I Confess...
Hooping makes the heart lighter.  It was just the pick-me-up I needed after this week.

I Confess...
I'm a little sad about it not working out with the guy I was seeing.  He was so nice, handsome, honest, and chivalrous.  He got the doors, he paid, he got my sense of humor and had a great one of his own-it seemed a little too good to be true.  Which I guess it was, because go figure a great guy comes along and three dates with me remind him that he's still in love with his ex.

I Confess...
I'm not mad at him at all.  He was honest, that's good.  I told him once I get over the rejection-ish part of it we can be friends.  We're supposed to have friend coffee next week.

I Confess...
I am proud of myself for breaking the cycle though.  My first instinct was to say "Well let's keep dating and see if that changes." But deep down I knew that meant I would just be putting myself back in that place where I'm hanging on to someone who doesn't want me back.  I wont do that again.  I'm above that.

I Confess..
Now I'm a bit nervous to try again... I think I must, but still...  It's rough out there.

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Spoiling Romance

*Note: Since I wrote this a few days ago the circumstances have changed and I'm not dating this guy anymore.  Go figure, he still had feelings for his ex-but I wanted to post this anyway because it will probably apply when I find someone else to date too.*

***

"They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever."

-Oscar Wilde

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately.  It's been one of my favorite ones for a while now, but since I started dating again-it's been running through my mind on repeat. 

How often is this statement true? How often do I spoil romance by trying to make it last forever?  Is it that I simply hope to find that one person I spend my life with, and then end up ruining it by trying to make it so instead of letting it take it's natural course? Like trying to force something that isn't ready to fit yet?

When I decided to start dating again, I told myself that I wouldn't have sex with anyone until I either knew that it was going somewhere special, or knew that they were no longer sleeping with anyone else.  I felt like it was a pretty reasonable goal, seeing as I'd sold myself short in the past and slept with more men that actually cared for me.  After a year of celibacy, saving myself for something special seemed like a logical conclusion.

Then I find myself out on a second date with a really nice guy.  I'm attracted to him, he's been nothing but kind and sweet, he's earned my admiration by never bringing sex up as we messaged each other for the first week and a half, and I have been nothing but honest and blunt with him and he's received it well.  Impressive.  

I end up going quite a bit farther than I had planned to go at this point.  No home run, but we rounded most of the bases... While I quite enjoyed myself, I am left with this nagging at the back of my mind accusing me of selling myself short again.  The little voice in my head saying "Now he'll be done with you before you even know if there was possibility." Yet, the logical me doesn't really feel like he's the type to do that.  He's been nothing but forthright and honest with me, and we've been texting each other a bit since.  Yet due to circumstances in the past, I'm left less than trusting.

But he proves himself and keeps talking to me, we have a third date-and then this quote hits me again and I decide I can go ahead and round those bases if it feels right to me.  It did.  I suggest it, but he wasn't fully on board in the interest of not rushing things.  That was very shocking for me.  I've never met a guy who was worried about rushing or anything like that-I don't know whether to continue being extremely impressed with his reality or to be wary...

Now how am I relating this experience to this quote?  What if I'm spoiling the romance by always trying to press things further instead of just enjoying the moment? I find myself wishing for some kind of magic crystal ball that would tell me if this works out down the road before I get too attached-I guess on some level we all wish for that when starting to feel things for people.  We'd all like to have some kind of guarantee that all this hope and effort will pay off, or that at least they wont be the "love 'em and leave 'em" type. 

Unfortunately there's no magic crystal ball, and no guarantee you can rely on.  You just have to take life as it comes, hang on for the ride, and hope that everything ends up in a place that feels right.  For now, I think it's more about enjoying the romance along the way.  The first kiss, the hand holding, the butterflies before you get to see them, their little texts that make you grin, etc.  The real work comes in not stressing about whether he's "the one" and not trying to force it to be a perfect fit before everything is meant to fall into place.

I guess that's my goal for now.  Stop trying to force it, and enjoy the romance before I ruin it by trying to push it along.  Patience is something I've never been very good at, but in this case I need to remember the old virtue, take a deep breath, and enjoy taking my time.

What do you think?