Update!

Ok, so the doctors appointment with the Mac Genius did not end well. I walked out of the store feeling like I was going to be bursting into tears! It was so awful! They can't pop out the little metal piece because it's in an enclosed box with no back access. Therefor, I have to replace the entire soundboard. This is going to cost me either $700 in store, or $3oo if I mail it to Apple and wait for them to fix it and mail it back.

They told me to try calling Macdocs or another third party Apple repair shop, because they can make use of used parts instead of putting in new ones, so it should be cheaper. I called Macdocs, and they can't even give me a quote on how much it will be because it's $75 just for the diagnosis and the first hour of service. That bites. So for now, I'm soundless, as I cannot afford to get it fixed. I'm going to let Matt try getting it out with superglue and a toothpick. If it fails, I'm still in the same boat I was in before.

On another note, after all of that bad-day-stuff, Josh and I made our way to SLC for dinner and to try and catch the Star Trek movie since I had a pass for the early showing. However we weren't nearly early enough, so their was a very slim chance we'd get a seat, so we decided just to go wander around.

I took him by this house in SLC that belongs to Kristina's aunt and uncle, we're hoping that their attic apartment is a two bedroom, because they're going to be renting it soon, and it's almost perfect for us! Keep your fingers crossed!

After that we went to the gateway and did some people watching. We went into the planetarium and looked around the gift shop and stumbled across this little guy. (Look at the picture to the left) Isn't he cute? Guess what his name is! Gonorrhea. They're Giant Microbes and they're awesome! Josh got Herpes for himself, and Chlamydia for Angel! How funny is that? It totally made my day better, and even ended with us getting Slurpees on our way home!

Anywho, I'm determined to stop feeling blue about the damn computer and get out of the house today. I really want to go hiking, but haven't heard back from my friend that I invited to go. So for now, I'm going to go look at apartments with Matt, because he wants to move out next week.

Have a brilliant day friends!

Limbo

No matter how great an evening ends, the demons still make their way back to my bedside. I am haunted by questions and things I want to say, but I am afraid. I'm afraid to push it all further away, to fodder the building of those walls higher and higher until I am completely shut out. There are not words to describe how sorry I am that I failed. Failure seems to be the name of the game around me everywhere, and I have no idea how to succeed at anything but it. How can it be, that the universe puts before me a clear task, and yet I still manage to fail? Of my own creation no less; I have failed because I let emotions get in the way of everything I set out to do. My head was clouded with what I wanted, when I was not meant to want or be wanted; I have never been meant for wanting. Oh how human all these emotions seem, when I feel so disconnected from everything, as if I'm an outsider looking in on my own life, and none of it makes sense to me anymore. This heart that beats in my chest cannot decide whether it wants to let go and drift away, or cling more and more to the hope that has occasionally danced up within me. Move forward, stay back, wait it out... All of these things echo within, and yet a conclusion cannot be reached. Call it fear, call it love, call it destiny... Call it Limbo.   

I am searching for a girl. This girl is beautiful, and when she looks into the mirror she recites her daily mantra reminding herself of this fact. She is calm and centered, and not afraid of the world outside of her window. Her fears do not include intimacy, even when that affection is not returned in kind, as she can move forward throughout her life with grace. Callousness eludes her, as she has no walls or boundaries, only love and an open heart expressing her gratitude for every experience life throws her way. I find her; living deep with in me, miles below the surface. My center in the storm, with arms wrapped tightly around my ego, assuring me that I am strong and can keep the winds at bay.

She walks with me, hand-in-hand as I make my way between the worlds, looking for the door, but only catching glimpses though the double paned windows that do not open. They taunt me with the beauty on either side of me, pulling me toward them to gaze through each one at every various path. Pointing me towards the door, but leaving me without the key to turn the locks. Which door will open for me? When will I finally feel the soft soil of my path beneath my toes, and the cool wind of fortune against my cheek?

Softly whispering, the girl that is me turns, reminding me that I am incredibly unbreakable. Many hammers will only barely chip the tip of the iceberg, leaving the entire mountain below unscathed, waiting to emerge as the water subsides and life begins. Every path looks beautiful to me, and I ache to be making my way down any of them, leaving this world of gray confusion behind me as I slowly fade away into the distant stars... Making my way home... Making my way to clarity.

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I've finally written something, it seems the demons bring with their long time hostage that is my muse. I welcome her back, even in small doses, as I have missed the creativity flowing through me and onto the pages, leaving the small stains of my soul splattered across the page in each and every word. Sorrow is beauty, pure and amazing beauty.

Productivity & Optimism

Everyone knows how great it feels to accomplish something, and for the past two days I've been feeling nothing but productive. This is a good thing, because I have to make up for last week when I was both depressed and suffering from the flu, and thus didn't do hardly anything.

Yesterday I managed to take almost a full load of my stuff down to my grandmother's house. I'm going to store it there until I have a new place for it. The plan is to either stay with her for a couple of months, or with my current roommates a bit longer until I get a place with Josh. That's the move I'm super excited for, but we can't do it until he gets back from Europe, so until then my stuff (and myself) has to have a place to stay. We also managed to stop at IKEA and look around. That store has awesome furniture and appliances for pretty cheap! It's really nice!

Today Krisina and I managed to pack several more boxes, organize the entire garage, and fill the van with a multitude of toys and various objects for goodwill. I've been packing up a lot of Matthew's things for him as he's going to be moving out as soon as his VA money comes through and he can afford a new apartment.

Now I'm working through the mountain of laundry in my room and cleaning the kitchen, as my momentum is still going and I don't care to stop it!

So all in all, I'm feeling pretty productive. Well, or was feeling pretty productive until I sat down and broke off the end of the headphone adapter in the headphone jack of my computer! On top of that, the headphone sensor in the jack was already broken so that you can only get sound out of the computer if you have headphones or speakers plugged in. So, as for sound right now, I'm basically hosed! I am extremely frustrated with it, but being the level-head that I can be (on occasion) I made an appointment with the Apple store tomorrow to have them take a look at it and hopefully pop the little piece out and diagnose the previous sensor problem. This means, it may have all been for the better anyway, as I'm still being productive and getting something done! So tomorrow, Lappy will go to the doctors and hopefully be right as rain, and then I am seeing an early showing of Star Trek with one of my best friends! It should be a pretty fulfilling day I hope!

Hey! Did you see that? My optimism is back! It feels so good to be out of the drums and back to functioning, even better than functioning, order! I think my stars are changing, my friends, and it seems like not much can tear me down.