When I was in my early twenties I bounced back from things quickly. Heartbreak? Yeah it hurt, but it didn't take long for me to feel again-or at least to try again. Friends used to compliment me on my ability to try again with everything I had-no matter how disastrous the failure had been before, and I loved that about myself. I chalked it up as one of my prevailing qualities-and I prided myself in it.
As I've gotten older I seem to have lost this quality. I don't bounce back and I cannot even bring myself to try again. Going on dates? It feels like torture. I never like them, and it's starting to feel like it'll be impossible to ever like someone as much as I've liked someone in the past. I'm starting to feel like it'll be impossible to love anyone ever again.
One part of my brain realizes that that is a ridiculous thought. Of course I'll love someone again, but it feels impossible when your heart still belongs elsewhere and every guy you go out with seems completely not right for you. It feels even more difficult when those guys that you don't feel attracted to are completely nice guys that are very interested in you and you end up having to let them down.
To be completely honest, the next time I'm feeling rejected can someone please remind me that I'd rather be rejected than have to do the rejecting? That feels really awful and feeling guilty on top of feeling discouraged makes things even more difficult.
I want to forget. I want to forget the heartache from the past, the guilt from the present, and the apprehension of the future. I just want to forget it and move forward with home again. I want to bounce back, but first I have to forget.
One part of my brain realizes that that is a ridiculous thought. Of course I'll love someone again, but it feels impossible when your heart still belongs elsewhere and every guy you go out with seems completely not right for you. It feels even more difficult when those guys that you don't feel attracted to are completely nice guys that are very interested in you and you end up having to let them down.
To be completely honest, the next time I'm feeling rejected can someone please remind me that I'd rather be rejected than have to do the rejecting? That feels really awful and feeling guilty on top of feeling discouraged makes things even more difficult.
I want to forget. I want to forget the heartache from the past, the guilt from the present, and the apprehension of the future. I just want to forget it and move forward with home again. I want to bounce back, but first I have to forget.
This week's song:
Forget
by Marina & The Diamonds
Sometimes I think I'm not that strong
But there's a force that carries me on
Sick of my small heart made of steel
Sick of the wounds that never heal (Never heal)
'Cause I have lived my life in debt
I've spent my days in deep regret
Yeah I've been living in the red
Because I can't forgive and I can't forget
Forget, forget, forget, forget
Ain't no time for regret
Yeah it's time to forget
Ever since I can remember life was like a tipping scale
Like an abacus played with counting every win and fail
'Cause I have lived my life in debt
I've spent my days in deep regret
Yeah I've been living in the red
Because I can't forgive and I can't forget
Forget, forget, forget, forget
Ain't no time for regret
Yeah it's time to be letting go
Baby you know what I'm talking about
Got nothing to lose and nothing to prove
Oh baby I'm bowing out, out
I'm bowing out
Yeah I've been dancing with the devil, I love that he pretends to care
If I never get to heaven when a million dollars gets you there
Oh all the times that I have wasted chasing rabbits down the hall
When I was born to be the tortoise, I was born to walk alone
Forget about it, forget about it, forget about it
Forget, forget, forget, forget
Aint no time for regret
I'm gonna leave the past behind
I've had enough I'm breaking free
No pressing stop, erase, rewind
The chain of thought that followed me
I'll put my money where my mouth is for the first time in my life
I've made mistakes but I believe that everything was worth the fight
'Cause in the end the road is long but only 'cause it makes you strong
It's filled with peaks, and twists, and turns-sometimes you have to learn to forget about it
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This is a beautiful song.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think of Marina's new album now that it's all out? Are you digging it more? Or just really loving this particular song?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, friend. I know it's hard. In fact, this is exactly why I basically forsook dating for, like, four years. I absolutely did not look for any dating opportunities. If they found me, I went, but otherwise, I swore it off. I just couldn't take the heartache anymore. I'm glad you aren't closing yourself off, though. Putting yourself out there may hurt, but it's what will lead you to the one you're looking for.
ReplyDeleteI like it. It took me a couple of listens before I really got into it.
ReplyDeleteIt really is!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard! This is something I'm working on in therapy now.
ReplyDeleteIt is! I know! And the lame thing is, it will be hard until it isn't. There's no formula. No rhyme or reason. Just one day, you're going along like everything is normal and then you meet him. But it's hard right up until then.
ReplyDeleteThanks love! You finding that gives me hope. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone may of us find we do not bounce back like we did in our 20's it is part of growing older
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing my post and being a great co-host. Working on my Round-Up now so there won't be any delays while I'm on vacation.
ReplyDelete