Emotional Brain Vomit

I am having a really hard time getting back into regular life.

Not to mention I can't think of much to write about here in blogland.

And when I do think of something-I lack the energy to actually sit down and do it.

I haven't even uploaded the photos from the trip yet.

Yet I couldn't bring myself to just post another quote or picture.

So forgive the rawness of this post-the lack of composition and deep thought.

I'm just going to brain-vomit all over the page.

I've been back for 4 days now and I still can't sleep well.

I am still not back on track with my diet, and I've only picked up my hula hoop twice.

 Maybe I just haven't had enough of a break for my brain... 

It was traveling and then getting home just in time for 4 hours of sleep before work.

Remember how I said I wanted this trip to be healing?

I got what I asked for-but the universe had different plans for what kind of healing.

Instead of just getting over the sadness I felt about life situations.

It decided it wanted to attack the walls I'd built so high around my heart.

It started tearing them down leaving rubble in their wake.

The last night of the trip was emotionally exhausting.

There were long emotional conversations about good and bad qualities.

Especially little quips I make that don't come out like jokes.

Especially to my friend and ex boyfriend.

I've never fully gotten over the relationship-we've always been too close.

I've always still felt in love with him, and like part of his family with the kids.

I realized I was making stabs with my jokes, but couldn't help it.

I was still so hurt and bitter.

So in the midst of our discussion I called him.

I apologized for the way I had acted.

And I did so through my tears-because I started bawling half way through.

I promised to watch myself, to heal, and to someday just be easy friends again.

Somewhere after that I felt a great weight removed.

I felt as though I'd released him from this grudge I'd been holding.

A grudge I wasn't even fully aware of-or at least accepting the existence of.

Somehow the other grudges started washing away too.

The trip also provided long conversations about emotional states.

Especially the night we went camping on the OR coast.

We stayed up late talking around the campfire.

K is happily married to the love of her life for 7 years now.

J and I often talk about how much we admire their relationship.

She often tells us how much she wishes we'd put ourselves back out there.

Instead we tend to wall ourselves up and hide from such things.

Somehow coming back from the trip.

Having talked stuff out, and healed some grudges.

I feel like I might finally be ready to put myself out there again.

Which is both incredibly scary, and a little exciting.

I'm not sure how I feel about this yet...

 Found on Pinterest. Buy this print HERE.