Spoken Resolutions

Today is a much better day than yesterday. Being Wednesday, it automatically starts off better because it means the week is half over, and the weekend is getting closer by the second. The drama has been minimal today, and the ache and frustration I was feeling yesterday seems to have been mostly resolved.

It is possible I overreacted a bit, I'll admit to that, and for you readers I should clarify that he and I had never agreed to exclusivity in any sort. He told me right from the beginning he wasn't ready for a relationship. The fact that he was dating someone else, is not what I was upset about, instead it was that he hadn't told me when it started, and instead I had to hear it from someone else. Had he been the one to tell me, I'm sure I would not have been so hurt, as I would have remembered that I trust him and that he's always been honest with me.

We talked about it. First at work through text, but that ended up being too difficult because you can never fully understand what someone else is feeling or expressing without seeing their faces and hearing their voices. I sent him the links to both my Dear So & So letter where I first expressed my feelings toward him, and yesterday's post so that he would know how I was feeling at the time. That was a big deal for me, as I have never shared my blog with him because I try to fully express myself here, and that leaves me very vulnerable. He appreciated the gesture, told me my writing was beautiful, and asked if I would come and talk to him later that evening so we could discuss it face to face. I reluctantly agreed.

We were awkward, well; mostly I was my usual awkward self that comes out when I have to discuss my emotions in anything other than text format. Writing letters or blogging it out, that I can do well, but if you put me face-to-face or even on the telephone I freeze up and turn back into "the Ice Queen" we all know I can be. I don't mean to be that standoffish, I just get uncomfortable and the words don't come nearly as eloquently, and sometimes not at all. Somehow I managed to work through the wall I throw up when confronted with such things, and we did talk.

He was able to apologize to me for not telling me sooner, and he also apologized multiple times for causing any hurt, and when he asked for a hug I told him I wasn't ready yet. To be honest, I regret denying the hug now, because I very much wanted it at the time and I was letting my idiotic pride get in the way. Had I dropped the pride a little bit faster, I would have felt comfortable more quickly, and perhaps wouldn't have prevented the further discomforts of the evening. In my defense, I was feeling hurt, and usually I use my pride as a shield to protect from further damage.

Talking proved very valuable though, because very soon after we talked I was able to let go of the anger and move forward. I'll bet he was shocked, and perhaps he didn't understand how I was able to do that so easily, but it was such a relief for me to drop it. Everyone has baggage, but any opportunity to drop those extra heavy bags that I really don't need to carry, and I will take the opportunity. Also, I can't possibly express how badly I wanted to forgive him, to have things be ok again. It's hard to be mad at someone you care for.

When it got dark I decided I didn't want to drive home on the icy roads, so I stayed. It pretty much stayed awkward all night, and I went to bed very unsettled. Sleep isn't easy when you keep waking up over and over again stressing, and the only thing I wanted all night was to make sure he was comfortable and happy.

On the car ride this morning we managed to work it out a little better, and I had the chance to apologize for reacting badly. I really should have given him the chance to explain his side of the story, and should not have reacted so harshly on mere gossip. However, when people are hurt (and this is how it was for me) they don't always think clearly. The only clear thought that stays in your mind in those moments is "What do I do to protect myself from this so it doesn't hurt more." I'm not saying I was right, or anyone was wrong, I'm simply analyzing it to understand it better.

I'm going to keep seeing The Musician, but I'm going to slow this rolling ball of emotions down. I get attached easily, and I love very easily; and that may be who I am, but it doesn't mean it has to be such chaos all the time. He hasn't been out of a long-term (I mean seriously long-term) relationship very long and I can understand and accept that he doesn't want to just jump into another until he's ready. In fact, that is very smart, because if we ever do get the chance to be more I'd want him to be whole and healed, because otherwise relationships cannot work. I don't care what he does with other people; I only care what he does with me.

So, in order to be happy and healthy myself, I have come to the conclusion that I will keep dating him, but I'm also going to start dating other people too. They say "don't put all your eggs in one basket" and thus I interpret that to mean I shouldn't put everything into one person who isn't ready to put everything into me. I can't even begin to predict how this will all turn out. Maybe we'll both get lucky and when we're done dating around we'll get to have something more or maybe someone else will sweep me off my feet... Who knows? Either way, everything will all work out fine in the end, and I'm comfortable with that.

Que Sera Sera, my friends, whatever will be will be.