Doth I Protest Too Much?

I'm not threatened by every pair of legs you watch go by

I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your sideways glances, or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous, I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged, not insecure as such
Not going insane, rational stays in touch
And doth I protest too much?

I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, cuz I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss me, cuz I don't need you to

I'm not needy, I don't get clingy much
I am not scared, I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent, rock Solid Stays in touch
And doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you, who I cant possibly be
So much energy to prove to you, I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened, and I don't miss you, because I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover, cuz I've a new lover too

I'm not depressed, I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent, I am not dark as such
I'm never sad, keep chin up stays in touch
And doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous, I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged, not insecure as such
Not going insane, rational stays in touch
And doth I protest too much?

"Doth I Protest Too Much" by Alanis Morissette

I have been thinking a little bit lately about how often I put on a brave face. It's as if I feel showing emotion is a weakness, that's also why I hate (I mean actually loathe) crying in front of people. All these feelings that swirl around inside of me don't get out much, because I don't want everyone to know what I'm feeling all of the time. It's possible that's why I've been making more of an effort to blog them out, because I want to learn to not be so emotionally fuck-tarded.

Thursday, I spoke with E on the phone. It was the first time I'd spoken to him since I decided to stop waiting and to go ahead and move forward without him, even though we were going to be friends. Three weeks. I'd gone three weeks without hearing his voice. Twenty-one days of trying to heal and move on with my life. Five hundred and four hours of trying to forget all of the little reminders that I still cared for him a great deal, and wanted to be with him.

Honestly, I don't know what made me do it. After all of that time I was feeling pretty whole again; feeling like I could just pick up the phone and talk to him like it had all been nothing. It was a good conversation, we chatted and talked just like old friends should... I'll admit I was extra chatty, and you could hear the excitement (to be talking to him after all that time) in my voice. There were a few moments where I felt the old familiar emotion start creeping in, but I pushed it away, and I was a completely rational and charming friend.

It was only a few hours later when it hit me. I missed him. I missed him and it hurt like hell. After all of that time, all of that getting back to normal, why does it still cut me so deeply that we're not together? Why can't I let go of the "idea" of us?

I've been trying to remind myself that it wasn't the greatest relationship. He's a great person, I'm a great person, we had AMAZING chemistry; but in all of our attempts to be together, it wasn't really that great. It's just this idea that I had in my head. The knowledge that he's amazing, and I'm amazing, and nothing tops our chemistry, so it had to work out at some point, right? I think I spent so much time waiting for that moment when our time-lines would finally match up and we would succeed at the wonderful union that I always suspected we could have, that when it seemed like it could possibly be the end-I forgot to forget it.

I still miss him, that phone call just reminded me of this fact, and also the fact that a very small part of me is still waiting. Still hoping that something will work out. I don't know how to let go of that... Maybe it just takes time...