Turmoil, Turbulence, and Torment.

Oh what turmoil I find myself in at the moment. Physically I am caught up in a whirlwind of filling out paperwork, finding a job, thinking about finding an apartment and trying to spend time with so many of my friends and family... Emotionally, well you could say I'm a complete mess at the moment, though I have carefully composed my exterior presence to conceal such turbulence.

It wasn't so easy yesterday or the day before, as I was wracked with emotions just pushing themselves out of me. There was no way to hold them in, and I was too weak to try anymore. How can I be so wrong about things sometime? Also, why do I let my fiery Aries impulses have the better of me and ruin things? I've always been prone to impulse, it's my nature being a fire/fire/water-Aries/Leo/Scorpio combination. However, I have also been more logical than most women, able to seem pretty normal and not crazy like most girls come off. That is why I have so many guy friends, and all of my girlfriends tend to fall into the same category, because we generally want to avoid drama at all costs.

Unfortunately right now, I am feeling very much the emotional woman who is weak and vulnerable. I'm at a complete loss of things to distract me from the internal torment of being in Limbo, and the worry about losing something I've felt so right about for the majority of the last year and a half.

I love him. There's no denying it, I've admitted it openly to him now, and I've accepted it within myself. There is this future I see with him, one where we end up together, where we spend the rest of our lives together, and where he loves me back as much as I do him. Is this a complete fantasy? Is this feeling I've felt in my gut since the first day I met him simply misleading? It has always felt like he's the one, and now I find myself questioning whether or not he is going to end it and I am going to be completely wrong... It's never felt this right, I don't want to have to give up on it now...

He canceled on me again, which I know is not his fault because of his work, but it's still hard to not blame him sometimes because it happens so frequently. After being away for a month, and so looking forward to seeing him, I let my emotions get the better of me when he canceled. That is one of my flaws that I am working on, I usually manage to get my hopes up pretty high, so that the disappointment hits me very hard. I was angry, and hurt, and I texted him a couple of times to let him know that. Why couldn't I have just sucked it up and said "Call me so we can talk about this later?" and then vented to someone else? Maybe it was because I wanted to always be open with him, and he wanted me to always be open... Maybe being completely open with someone can equal being too open, and some things are better left bottled up. In any case, it was certainly the wrong timing... I should have waited.

I honestly don't know, but I do know that I am now completely consumed with worry that he's going to end it before we've ever had a real chance to try. Especially because I don't want to imagine my future without him. The knowledge that I will survive anything is there, because I am strong and I have done it before, but I also know that it will take immense pain to deal with the loss of "us," as well as the loss of someone I care for so dearly.

"I'd be lying if I told you, losing you was something I could handle."
- The White Tie Affair (Candle)

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr