*Note: Since I wrote this a few days ago the circumstances have changed and I'm not dating this guy anymore. Go figure, he still had feelings for his ex-but I wanted to post this anyway because it will probably apply when I find someone else to date too.*
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"They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever."
-Oscar Wilde
I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. It's been one of my favorite ones for a while now, but since I started dating again-it's been running through my mind on repeat.
How often is this statement true? How often do I spoil romance by trying to make it last forever? Is it that I simply hope to find that one person I spend my life with, and then end up ruining it by trying to make it so instead of letting it take it's natural course? Like trying to force something that isn't ready to fit yet?
When I decided to start dating again, I told myself that I wouldn't have sex with anyone until I either knew that it was going somewhere special, or knew that they were no longer sleeping with anyone else. I felt like it was a pretty reasonable goal, seeing as I'd sold myself short in the past and slept with more men that actually cared for me. After a year of celibacy, saving myself for something special seemed like a logical conclusion.
Then I find myself out on a second date with a really nice guy. I'm attracted to him, he's been nothing but kind and sweet, he's earned my admiration by never bringing sex up as we messaged each other for the first week and a half, and I have been nothing but honest and blunt with him and he's received it well. Impressive.
I end up going quite a bit farther than I had planned to go at this point. No home run, but we rounded most of the bases... While I quite enjoyed myself, I am left with this nagging at the back of my mind accusing me of selling myself short again. The little voice in my head saying "Now he'll be done with you before you even know if there was possibility." Yet, the logical me doesn't really feel like he's the type to do that. He's been nothing but forthright and honest with me, and we've been texting each other a bit since. Yet due to circumstances in the past, I'm left less than trusting.
But he proves himself and keeps talking to me, we have a third date-and then this quote hits me again and I decide I can go ahead and round those bases if it feels right to me. It did. I suggest it, but he wasn't fully on board in the interest of not rushing things. That was very shocking for me. I've never met a guy who was worried about rushing or anything like that-I don't know whether to continue being extremely impressed with his reality or to be wary...
Now how am I relating this experience to this quote? What if I'm spoiling the romance by always trying to press things further instead of just enjoying the moment? I find myself wishing for some kind of magic crystal ball that would tell me if this works out down the road before I get too attached-I guess on some level we all wish for that when starting to feel things for people. We'd all like to have some kind of guarantee that all this hope and effort will pay off, or that at least they wont be the "love 'em and leave 'em" type.
Unfortunately there's no magic crystal ball, and no guarantee you can rely on. You just have to take life as it comes, hang on for the ride, and hope that everything ends up in a place that feels right. For now, I think it's more about enjoying the romance along the way. The first kiss, the hand holding, the butterflies before you get to see them, their little texts that make you grin, etc. The real work comes in not stressing about whether he's "the one" and not trying to force it to be a perfect fit before everything is meant to fall into place.
I guess that's my goal for now. Stop trying to force it, and enjoy the romance before I ruin it by trying to push it along. Patience is something I've never been very good at, but in this case I need to remember the old virtue, take a deep breath, and enjoy taking my time.
