My So-Called Chaos

8.25.2011

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A Return to Dating

The course of a year can be both a very long and very short time.

When you first start off looking down the barrel of an entire year, dedicating yourself to that vast amount of time-it can seem like the finish line is nearly impossible to reach. Yet once you're there and looking back on it, it's but the blink of an eye.

I took a year off of dating. An entire year where I swore I wasn't going to date, I wasn't going to have sex, and instead take the time to focus on me. The year started as an escape; it started as running away from the frustration and heartache that had been imposed on me from previous attempts at love. Even though I knew I was hiding from the emotions and the self-inflicted pain of investing my heart where it didn't belong-I just kept telling myself I was doing this to heal and just be me.

Without even knowing it, this year transformed into exactly what I was trying to convince myself of.

Somewhere in the last few months my closest friends started "calling me out" on the fact that I had been telling myself lies and hiding from the world. Though I met each situation with some amount of denial-their words begin to sink in. It then took an apology for feeling bitter and some tears, but the weight of all those previous misgivings started to fall away. I was released.

Suddenly I returned home with the desire to put myself out there again. I was craving the human interaction I had denied myself for the last 365 days and I was going after it with zeal; no matter how scary or daunting the task may be.

However this time, it will be entirely different. No more disrespecting myself, no more selling myself short or settling for less than I deserve. This time I'm in it for something real and meaningful, and I will get what I set out for because I'm dedicated and because I love myself.

I love myself. It has taken me a year to finally realize that no matter what I look like, which job I go to every day, what clothes I wear, who I'm friends with, where I live-or how many pounds I lose; I love myself enough to stop settling and start striving for more. Loving myself means I am going to find someone who truly loves me too, just as much or more!

This is all made possible because, the course of a year can be both a very long and very short time.