Some Getting Used To

Last night I stared at the sky

The stars were nowhere to be seen

but the hope of tomorrow night

Gave me the power to dream

But it's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

It's been too long since I've seen you

I've been doing what I've gotta do

Everyday I tell my heart

Someone is coming for you

And I hope to God

That my words tell my heart it's true

But it's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

It's been too long since I've seen you

I've been doing what I've gotta do

I wanna know the further I go

There's somethin' out there for me

I will find my place to show me

Who I'm made to be

Who I'm made to be

It's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

Well, it's taking some getting used to, some getting used to

Well, it's taking some getting used to, Some getting used to.

It's been too long since I've seen you

I've been doing what I've gotta do, what I've gotta do.

-Eric Himan "Some Getting Used To"

I've been listening to this song over and over and over again.  Perhaps repeating the words will make it sink in, will help me stop feeling the way I do.  I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to feel this hopelessness that overwhelms me and suffocates me.  

I don't want to spend every night curled up on the couch watching my comfort show because I can't face the weight of the world;  because I can't face the fact that I'm alone and may always be.  The fact that I can't seem to pull myself out of this sadness is daunting, and I keep trying to rally but I can't help but feel as if I'm losing everything, and that every time I love something it will be taken away from me.  Happiness ends, and I tell myself every day that it was worth the time to have had it-to have loved and lost rather than never loved at all-but it doesn't help...  I still feel this loneliness like a knife to the chest.

I'm praying that it passes, and that I make peace with the facts that things will never be the same again, but god I miss people so damned much.  It's as if there's now a distance with all of my friends, and I never thought it would happen to those that are closest, but it is.  I feel clingy and needy, and I"m not used to it so I'll fight it.  I'm not a selfish person, I have no right to feel this way, no right to make a claim on anyone's time.

Just like the song says, it's taking some getting used to... One day I'll be used to being alone; I'll be used to everyone going off and doing their own thing with out me; I'll be used to being left behind.  Maybe when I'm used to it, it wont hurt so much and I wont feel so lost.  So I'll keep telling my heart that it wont always be like this, and perhaps someday I'll convince it.  Please God, let me convince it...

For now, I try to be positive, but the optimism has left me... Here's to brighter tomorrows.

Dear So & So: Year of the Crazy Bitches

Dear Body,

What is going on lately?  I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I get.  The only thing I can think about doing after work is going home and falling asleep on the cozy couch, and then dragging myself into bed when it's time to actually go to bed.  Yes, I do plan on doing this tonight, because obviously you need it, but what the hell?  Really?  Maybe I'm getting sick?  Ugh.

Sincerely,
Someone who doesn't want to spend every day sleeping.


Dear Office,

It's too cold in here, my poor fingers are so frozen they can barely type.  How is that for productivity.  The thermometer says it's 68° in here, but I think it may even be colder than that.  I'm FREEZING.  Can we have a little more heat?  Just in the mornings?  Please?

Sincerely,
It might just be the sick thing, but I'm shivering!


Dear Roommate,

I miss you.  I think I'm feeling too clingly lately because I am lonely, so I know it's my own thing that I don't like being home alone all the time, so go and do your thing.  I just wanted to say I miss you when you're not here.  Thanks for always being my best friend, and I'm SOOOOOO happy for you!

Sincerely,
Someone who loves you very much!

Dear Eric Himan,


You are absolutely amazing.  I know the roommate has loved you for years, but I finally downloaded your  music from iTunes and I am completely in love!  You're writing talents are amazing, and the emotion you convey with your voice?  I'm hooked and you're getting me through a potentially rough patch right now.  Can't wait to get the rest of it!  Thanks for being so brilliant, and I'll keep listening!  Come to SLC soon!

Sincerely,
You're new fan who's hooked for life!

Dear Jon,

Change your locks, and hang out with me more often!

Signed,
That ex of yours is nuts.


Dear Carrie,

What. The. Hell?  The ex and I are still very good friends, and I was happy he found someone he really liked and that I liked you well enough to hang out with too, but are you freaking crazy like the rest of them?  I mean all I've seen on Facebook from you two lately is "I love my girlfriend so much" (He hardly ever said he loved me, and especially not publicly, so that's a big deal!) and "I love my boyfriend too!"  Also, "I had the best Valentines ever, my boyfriend is amazing!"  Then all of the sudden you talk to  your abusive ex in Oregon on the phone and  you decide you want to up and move back there to be with him?  Matt says he's ok with it, that it's ok, but you are definitely not who I thought you were.

Signed,
Someone who doesn't understand weak women who go back for more.

Dear Pothead,

Yeah, this is officially you're new nickname, because The Musician seems too endearing.  Pothead fits more anyway.  Anyway, WHY WONT YOU LET IT DIE ALREADY?  I hardly ever think about you anymore, I don't even notice when  you are or are not around, and I don't really talk about you to people anymore.  So why is it that you keep bringing stuff up?  Having your sister tell Josie not to talk to me because I "don't really know" you?  Well dude, I have you pretty well figured out, and I'm pretty sure  you don't really know you.  Maybe if you laid off the drugs a bit, you might be able to start seeing reality and not your little made up world where you never tell a lie (you even believe your own lies) and you can do nothing wrong.  Stop being the victim, stop worrying about what your exes are up to.  You kicked us out of your life with your lies and bullshit, so move the freak on!  We are!

Also, we don't spend our time talking about you.  We talk about our other dates, our social lives, and pretty much stuff that actually matters; because you don't.

Signed,
Get over it already!!!

Dear Life,

Why are you so lame lately?  I just feel bored with everything, and like there's nothing to look forward to.  Well, nothing but sleep.

Signed,
I wonder if people ever commit suicide simply because they're bored.

Dear Dating,

You suck, I'm still taking a break.

Signed,
On Hiatus.

Dear Trendy Treehouse,

Thanks for letting my participate in Follow Me Fridays!






Signed,
A New Follower! 


Dear Readers,

Thanks for taking the time to read my letters!  If you haven't noticed, I'm pretty sure The Mad Woman was right when she said on Facebook that this was the year of the "crazy bitches."  What's with these crazy women up and going back to abusive boyfriends and thinking that living together doesn't constitute a serious relationship?  Wow.  Just wow.

Also, if you want to check out the amazing talent of Eric Himan or his band Eric & the Adams (which I HIGHLY recommend) you can find him on iTunes and also at his website.  If you need to listen to a sample, I recommend by Eric & The Adams, Every Move or Frozen in the Sun.  By Eric Himan himself, I recommend Heart Clean, Tulsa, or One Night Stands.

Also, take some time to write your own letters!  You'd be amazed at how therapeutic it is!  Then link up over at Kat's and see who everyone else is writing to!

Also, check out Trendy Treehouse's Follow Me Friday!

Also, go back to yesterday's posts and see if you received either the Beautiful Heart Award or the Going Places Award, because I left them for quite a few of you!

Signed,
Me!

Two in One Day? So Awesome!

Wow, in visiting all the blogs I read this morning, I found not only one award, but two!  You people brighten my day every day with your blogs, so it's even a brighter surprise when you leave me a pretty award I can share with everyone! Thank you so much!

So here's a big thank you to Cuppycake Lies for being such a sweetie and giving me this award.  She's also an amazing blogger, so I recommend you check her out!

Please look at the last post too, as I left another award for a bunch of you! 

Instructions:

1. List 4 things that keep your inner self beautiful.

2. List 4 things that keep you physically beautiful.

3. Tell us about a precious memory you keep close to your heart. [Optional]

4. Share this award with 5 other people that you think have a beautiful heart too.

5. Link the blogs of the people you chose and link the person's blog who awarded you.

6. Have fun!

#1

How do I keep my inner self beautiful?

I spend lots of time with friends who love me for who I am.

These people are not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, and to love me for it anyway.  I can tell them anything, and not be judged for it.  They're always there to help me, and I'm always there to help them.  My life would truly be empty without these people.

I blog, and read your blogs.

I can't begin to express how much my inner self is enriched when I blog out my feelings and check back to see your wonderful compliments.  Then I browse around and read about you guys and fall in love with each and every one of you!  ♥

I find God/Love in everything.

I've always said I can't find God in a man-made building, but the truth of the matter is you can find God in everything.  The Universe = God, so that tree, that rock, that stranger passing by-That is God.   The lyrics playing quietly in my ear right now-God.  God is love, and no matter what you believe in, that's a fact.

I am optimistic and rally around things.

My friend Kristina told me once that I rally around anything the world throws at me.  Something awful can happen, and I'll find a reason to accept it and incorporate it into my life.  I can rally around just about anything, no matter how it makes me feel.

#2

How do I keep myself physically beautiful?

I try to act confidently.

It doesn't matter what you look like, if you have confidence you're beautiful.  Confidence is sexy.

I take care of myself.

Shower regularly, take the time to pick out a nice outfit and do my hair and makeup.  So much can be said for someone who takes the time to take care of themselves.

I surround myself with beautiful people.

These people make me smile often, and brighten my life.  If you are surrounded by people who make your life beautiful, you in turn will shine a bit brighter and be more beautiful.

I keep myself beautiful inside.

I have a beautiful heart, which in turn reflects outward and makes me a beautiful person to those who matter.  

#3

A precious memory I keep close to my heart.

There are so many, it's really hard to narrow it down to just one.  A few of my most precious memories are also the most simple.  Just the other night, there was a wonderful moment when I was laying on my bed with my roommate and his boyfriend, and we were just talking.  It made me feel like I belonged, and that I always would.  The same can be said for a time when I stayed at his house last year, and I was in bed with him and our friend Angel one morning just talking.  Just those simple little moments curled up to my favorite people and talking.  It's a beautiful thing.

#4 & #5

The beautiful people I'm sharing the Award with.

 Sam @ Dawn Breaks Like a Bull Through The Hall

Angel @ Confessions of a Mad Woman

Travel & Dive Girl @ Journey & Adventure

Katie @ Katie La Vie en Paris

Miss Liss @ Above the Starlit Night 

Crazy Mom @ Aint She Crazy!  

MS @ Swimming and Floating

Blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell 

Diane @ Created by Diane
Katherine @ Another Day, Another Moment 

(Shhhhhh... I broke the rule and gave it to too many people!  Oh well, you all deserve it!)

You are all so beautiful!  Thank you for everything you do!