Let's Psycho-Analyze Me

I am exhausted. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Kailee, Devin & Hailey Waiting for their story at bedtime.

First off, I'm physically exhausted because I went to the midnight showing of Watchmen last night which was an absolutely awesome movie! Totally worth it to get less than three hours of sleep because I had to get up with Kristina's kids which I'm watching this weekend. Matt's kids are here as well, which makes it super exhausting. Beyond exhausting as I just cannot always handle 4 kids under the age of 4, it's too much. By noon I was craving adult conversation, and let's face it, Matt doesn't count. (Usually because he's too focused on legal stuff, so he doesn't really count for conversation at all most of the time.) It can be fun playing Mommy, but it can also be WAY too much. I was happy to read them a story and put them to bed tonight.

Otherwise, I'm emotionally exhausted because I just don't get why it all has to happen at once when it isn't wanted. I came to the conclusion tonight that I choose to have messed up relationship issues. Matthew told me that I was like a cat - If you love me and want to come up and pet me I run from you, but if you're unavailable and don't want me at the time... Well then I go chasing you and try to climb into your lap and beg for loving. It's so messed up, and it's so damned true! So how does this apply to real life? Let me break it down...

I have this awesome guy who is madly in love with me, who is probably perfect for me in so many ways, who is coming home from the military in two weeks and is all psyched to be with me. How do I feel? I'm freaking out. The line from Dr. Horrible keeps going through my head "With my freeze ray I will stop, the pain..." All I can think is how I wish I had a freeze ray to stop time because I feel it's going too fast... Mr. Awesome? Don't know if I want him. Why? Maybe because I just don't know him enough to be in love with him yet... OR just maybe it's because he's emotionally & physically available and he wants me back!!! WTF mate?

So ask me what I'm going to do, hell if I know... Maybe go chasing after the one guy who doesn't want me to chase after him? The one guy who doesn't want me! Yay! Let's go fall in love with that one! Better yet, let's make him the one that doesn't like intimacy and is probably a raging homosexual. Yes, you can see the real him, and you honest-to-god love the real him because he's super amazing, but he DOESN'T WANT YOU!!! That will be fun... He can reject me, I can let myself be heartbroken for a day (because I always bounce-back super quick), and then go back to having a good reason for being single... Uh oh, I think we may have just found the root of the problem here Doctor!

Maybe I'm not built for real relationships... Do you think that could be the case? I've had one serious long-term relationship before, and we all saw how that went. Granted, it was my first relationship at all, and it was my first heartbreak when it ended a 2 years later, but that was 2006... But come on, it's 2009 now! And I've had 3 years filled with meaningless flings, short-term relationships and one night stands... Oh let's not forget the poly amorous stint and also the FWBs along the way... But oh how much fun I've had with my FWBs. I'm not sure I really want to give that up just yet...

So is it my fear of failure? Or a fear of commitment? I'm deathly afraid of stagnancy, and even more afraid of becoming some caged little bird... I need a partner that is ever changing and growing with me, and who can be spontaneous and give me space to spread my wings when needed. Someone who understands that I'm a total freak who is positively giddy when they cut the guys arm off with a chainsaw in the movie, but who is also a lover and a nurturer who has an uncanny way with children and animals... That I'm the girl who's drinking and dancing and flirting, and then the next day meditating on some rock in the forest all earthy and beautiful. The girl who secretly longs for the picket fence, but who also wishes that picket fence had wheels so she could keep moving, and that if it's posted into the ground... Well she worries that one day she'll get bored and tear it down...

Wow... I just re-read this and I sound like a total psych case... I mean really... It's probably just because it's tonight, and I feel a little emotionally unstable, so I'm just writing and pouring out thoughts as they come... Please take everything I just said with a grain of salt, because knowing me... I may feel entirely differently tomorrow... Also, a lot of it is complete exaggeration! LOL, because it was just fun to tear into my issues for a moment... lol

In Response To My Previous Post

These comments were in response to my previous blog called I Support Human Rights and were posted on a blog of Josh's called My Comment on Angie's Blog and I just felt I should share them.

Josh said the following:

Max brought up and interesting point the other day. He said "the LDS church has been kicked out of how many states and be persecuted against for years and they constantly whine about it and they are willing to persecute another group extremely quickly. It doesn't make sense!" I don't know a whole lot about the church. I did when i was younger just so i could argue points but then I realized I didn't need to argue and since I don't believe in "missionaring" I didn't see the point me trying to change peoples minds. Laissez faire, if people choose that faith and those beliefs that is their choice, I don't agree with them but I don't need to change them to my thinking because that would be just like them and I don't believe that way. Love is what I believe in and anytime there isn't love in that space it's not the best space to be in, so going from their beliefs if god is love what is the other? I throughly believe that inhibiting the rights of a human being is not love and I implore christians to ask WWJD? Remember Jesus loved everyone and did not discriminate and never said anything about people being evil, shellfish being a sin, or beating your wife is ok, or homosexual acts being a sin, read your praised book Jesus never said any of those things so think "judge not least ye be judged" and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

My reply to this, that I felt I had to share:

I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, even back when I was actively attending church and trying very hard to believe it, I didn't see how the rest of the congregation didn't see it the way I did. I think that's one of the main points that allowed me to rethink my believe and my choice of religion as a teenager. I had friends that were gay, and friends that weren't LDS, and I was constantly taught "Jesus said love everyone no matter what" and in the same breath "Don't associate with sinners, and being gay is a sin. Also, try and convert those friends that arent." I didn't see how the two could go hand in hand, because they can't.

They can use their bible, and find millions of passages to throw at you. Like 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." OR Exodus 22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." But they also say "We believe in the bible so far as it is translated correctly." But it can't have been translated completely correct because it was originally written in ancient Hebrew, and even with more modern languages things don't always transfer over with the same meaning. Even look from French to English, there are so many things that don't have the same meaning when translated.

Not to mention it's been translated how many dozens of times by how many dozens of different men who could have let their own bias get in the way of what they were translating? I mean look at how many different versions of the bible we even have available to us now, there are about 11 and each christian religion chooses a different version to base their beliefs off of. Even the Book of Mormon (as per their own legends) was translated by Joseph Smith using glowing stones inside of a hat, while he dictated it to Martin Harris who scribed for him. There are two different men translating an ancient text (that neither of them knew previously) by "the power of god" allowing them to understand.

The way I see it, the entire religion (and most Christian religions) are based on bias. No person is completely unbiased in their beliefs, and no person can translate anything without putting a tiny amount of their own biased into those pages. So yes, Jesus really could have existed - I personally believe he did and he was a good man with a good message to spread. I don't beleive he died for my sins, but I classify him with Ghandi, and Buddah, and other great teachers/prophets who had a good message of love and peace to spread. But somehow that message gets lost in translation, and even if they get the basic meaning of it, they don't seem to understand that what he taught, and what they teach now days - are two totally separate things.

I Support HUMAN Rights

Growing up in Utah, and also spending the first 17 years of my life as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I know the teachings pretty well. Since I was old enough to be a sunbeam I was attending church on my own, as my parents were inactive and my grandmother would take me. At the age of 10 I was baptised on the same day as my 8 year old brother Cole, and I still have the picture of my standing next to the missionaries. Into my teenage years I continued to go, even when I would be the only one in my family to attend. Called into positions such as Beehive Secretary, Mia maid President, and I was even serving as the Laurels President when I stopped attending church at the age of 17.

After 4 years in LDS seminary throughout high school, I have read the Book of Mormon, The Old & New Testament, The Pearl of Great Price, and various other readings. I spent nights on my knees, praying that god would teach me what was right, and that he would allow me to feel that the church was right. Fast Sundays, I would stand in front of the congregation and my classmates and bear my testimony nearly half-hearted because it was just a repeat of what everyone else says when they say theirs. My mother and father still don't think I tried hard enough to believe in it, but I know that I did everything I could do.

I wanted to believe, I wanted desperately to live that life and to follow the teachings of the Mormon doctrine. That was what everyone told me was right, that was what everyone else around me believed was the right way. I'll admit, there are quite a few of the teachings I am very grateful for, and still believe in; but there are also quite a few of the teachings I strongly disagree with, and that is why I do not consider myself as that religion anymore. This is probably one of the strongest reasons: I support equal rights.

A brilliant friend of mine, who actually is bisexual, said something very awesome to me. He looked at me and said "I don't support gay rights." Then in response to my confusion, he said "I support HUMAN rights. That everyone should be equal, and not treated differently because they are a minority." I completely agree.

To me it is inconceivable that anyone should have any lesser rights than anyone , and that any organization should fight so fiercely to prevent it because of a word. Back in the 60s it was equal rights for people of different races, and now it's a matter of fighting for equal rights for people of different orientations. There really is no difference in the fight or cause, just a difference in the people who are fighting for it, and yet it is still the same issue! How does saying that they shouldn't have the right to love as freely as you any difference from saying a black person should sit in the back of the bus or go to a different school than your children? How does this make you any different than a racist?

I honestly don't know how some of my family and friends will feel when they read this, and by no means do I intend to offend anyone, but I do feel the need to bear my testimony here that bigotry is wrong! Discrimination in any sense of the word is WRONG! These are people, they were created in God's image just as you were, and they just want to be allowed to love and live and raise a family just like you do. All of these rights you take for granted, all of these things you do without even thinking twice, are being withheld from honest citizens who come from the same place as you do. They have the same ancestors who immigrated to this company for freedom, and yet this country really isn't free. This country, and so many of it's people, are hypocrites.

I will continue to stand up for this belief, and continue to fight for equal rights. Last November I marched in an equal rights march and shouted with the crowd, and I will do it again at the next available opportunity. At that time I truly felt like I was part of something marvelous, and that I was fighting for a most worthy cause. What if your rights were taken from you because of something that was not uniform? Because you were a blond, or because you didn't like milk? It doesn't make any sense.


So suffice it to say, I really hope that Prop 8 gets overturned tomorrow. With all of my heart I hope that the government comes to it's senses and stops segregation and discrimination. It's not right, it's immoral and it's disturbing that human beings can be so horrible! Also, I hope the rest of the country comes to it's senses, and that we can fix the laws in all 50 states!

Here are some links I feel are important:
Sign The Petition Here!
Stop8.org
Gay_Blog.blogspot
Article: Amnesty, Overturn Prop 8
Article: March 5th, Overturn Prop 8
Article: The Court Will Overturn Prop 8


*All of these photos were taken by me at the November Equality march that I attended.